I don't want a copy! :(

I am going to be in KICK ASSSS shape! Lately when I get frustrated or want to distract myself, I work out extra hard. I had a great work out this morning and mini sessions through out the day, it really helps me relieve stress.

I figured something out today, actually I think I already knew but just wouldn't admit it, I don't want to date Jake anymore. It makes me feel bad when I'm out with him, thinking of Jordan. My friends and I can tell that he really likes me, but I just don't feel it with him. Remembering an old blog about our hands, they do but not the right fit. My feelings for Jordan have never change, I just had to make myself cold to be strong and not break down. I could have easily done it, I was really broken, and I wasn't just "rebounding," I kind of liked Jake in the beginning, but the more I'm go out with him, the more I see that he's not who I want. He is nothing like Jordan, and I thought that was a good thing at first, I didn't just want someone "like" Jordan, I don't want a copy, I want my original nerd back. :( I miss him so much, and hopefully we can be together again someday, we both agree that we would like to try but not like this, things need to be different. I hope we can make it happen.

FRUSTRATED!!!!! FREAKIN JAKE!

I have no freakin' idea, what to do right now!!! Grrrrrr!!!! Freakin' Jake! Sorry, but really need to vent right now, because I am just sooooooo frustrated with the way things are right now. I've been on the fence about Jake lately, I was talking to my friend Daniel the other, because he knows Jake. AAAAAAA, I told him that I'm not sure about Jake, the thing with Jake, is that I've been focusing on all the positive, I needed to, to keep myself positive. The thing is, everything is not so positive. AAAAAAAA, I can't hide the bad just because I don't want to face it, now I break my silence because I am so frustrated and confused!

Jake and I were suppose to over to his house today and watch an old movie together, maybe two, anyways, that was the plan for after he got out of work. I just talked to him a little while ago and nope. Apparently he didn't get a chance to "clean up," I know he's been busy, but I told him it would be alright with me, he got that annoying voice I haven't spoke of to anyone but Gabby before this point, it's almost like he's winning, "Aww, trust me, I want take you over, but my place is so dirty that it bothers me, I don't even want to see it like this." Ok, why does this annoy me so much, well like I said, first of all he gets that winey voice, not to mention he was the one that thought of this since about Tuesday, do you mean to tell me he couldn't clean up or at least make his place look decent sometime between then and now. He reminded me last night, and he was up late, off doing an interview of a band for the radio station, ok, fine, but after, he was up late into the morning hours, just messing out around the house because he didn't feel like sleeping. Ok, why didn't he clean or straighten up then? AAAAA...

It's bad enough for me that I'm trying to see if something could come out of this, he's a good guy and he's treated me right up to this point, but he's flaking again, we almost didn't go out the other night too, but he changed his mind and came to pick me up for a late date. I wanted to talk to him tonight, it was important, I've been talking to Jordan a friend again, and I didn't want to hide it from Jake, I also wanted to talk to him and let him know that I might not be here next semester, I'm waiting for my scholarship offers from OSU, I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I registered for my classes here just in case I do stay, but I'm not sure about him either. Dam it! I'm more mad about the fact that I didn't get tell him today, I thought it would be better to tell him in person, that's why I waited until tonight. There goes that plan. I'm so frustrated and confused where I'm almost ready to just call him and tell him just what I've been thinking!

The thing that's really getting to me is the fact that I told Jordan about all this already, I told him even though it's been complicated with Jake, he treats me right and he's there for me, this does not reflect the side of Jake I was talking about. I don't even know if I want to talk to him today or anymore, I still cold, I have to be, I might be frustrated, but I don't want to get hurt. This just suck to me!

Great Day. :)

I talked to Jake last night, and you know what? He was so understanding, it was great, he said he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable or rush things, but he really likes going out with me, I like going out with him too, and he treats me right, so I like the way things are after all.: )
My last session for Monday, was rescheduled because of finals, so today was my final session. I felt great, it seems like she tries to pick at me to try to break me, but I’m not the same girl that first walked into that office, I was feeling great and strong, and for the first time since going there, I walked in and out unbroken and with a smile on my face. I’ve showed great progress, that’s what the counselor said, she’s kind of puzzled how strong I am; I feel so great and stronger than ever, I might go to a referral location just to keep me going strong, but I think I’m going to be fine, I feel fine. : )

I’m feeling the burn less in my abs area, however now my arms are torturing me! Still I don’t give up, and trust me, with the pain I’ve gone through, I’ve seriously considered it. I think I met Jake at a perfect time in my life, he’s gone through this, by looking at him, you can’t tell, but I’ve felt his abs and muscles in his arms. Wow! It’s cool, at least he doesn’t show off, I thought he was joking at first, like I said, you can’t really tell by looking at him; but yesterday he held me tight and that’s how I he was not lying. : )

Today was great and productive! I got up early despite being out late with Jake, or should I say, out early. : ) I think I did great on my math final, I finished, worked all the bonus questions, and had time to go over my answers, with still over an hour left. To my surprise, when I got out and headed to the Loftin, Jake was there waiting for me, we talked and worked out some more math problems, I felt so pumped even though we couldn’t figure them all out. He stayed a while before having to go to work, but it was nice, my friend Daniel was hanging with us, it was cool, but I think Jake was making him feel a little uncomfortable, he was just messing with him for laughs though; Daniel was checking this girl and Jake convinced him to go talk to her. :D They were talking and it seemed good, but Jake had to leave, I updated him later that they’re only going to be friends, because it turns out, she’s actually with one of his friends, oops…

I helped Daniel schedule his classes for next year and I chose mine as a backup just in case it comes down to it and I chose to stay, I’m still keeping my options open and looking for the best offer, so for now, I’ll have 15hours in the Spring. As part of my degree plan, I had to take either a dance or physic education class, I didn’t like the dance classes and the one was interested in was too early and too long, so I signed up for swimming, I figured, hey why not? Besides I have the body for it, I told Jake, and he wants to join it with me, man, wouldn’t that be something,?

Jake picked me up late yesterday after he got out of work, and we went to Jim’s. Big surprise, my mom was alright with it, she just told me to be careful, and not to forget my key, things have been great with my family lately, I finally feel like I have a family. : ) We ate first, I wasn’t that hungry and it was already late, Jake got out after 22, so I just had a drink and mozzarella sticks. ( I don’t eat that much anyways). Well, after eating we got down to studying for our math finals, poor Jake, he needed more help than I did. : ) We really got stumped on two problems, I joked with him that it was because of his chicken scratch notes. I didn't get home until after 2, and my mom was cool with it, she actually asked if I was going out again, tonight, nope. We were fighting with one stupid problem last night and today at school as well. It was nice seeing him at school today, he didn’t even have any classes today. : ) My sister’s in a different class, but taking the same course as Jake, so I asked her for help today, just one example and I got it, Jake called during “Power Hour” at work, and I told him, it was so funny how excited I got, tomorrow we’re going out on another “study date”, what, we actually study…for a while… ; )

I’m tired, I have work in the morning,, and another late “study date” with Jake, so really should be going to sleep soon. I was listening to Jake DJ on the radio, his third job (only once a week) he just got off the air at 1, I told him I would listen, thank God it’s only once a week, don’t get me wrong, he’s awesome, but I want to sleep, I think I can spare time to stay up once a week, but any more and I wouldn’t. So…until tomorrow, goodnight me, I doubt I even have any readers left, but oh well, this is a great way of releasing stress. : )

Slow down...

I saw Jake at school today, I was hanging out with Gabby, he wanted to meet up and she really wanted to meet him, so she went along with me. He doesn’t quite know Gabby’s kind of craziness, so he asked her if she was drunk, that was a bad thing to say, she had a bad weekend and wants to move on from that, not the greatest thing to say to her, oh well, he didn’t know and I wasn’t about to explain it, it’s not for me to tell him Gabby’s personal life.

Well, one things for sure, he is definitely no Jordan, he needed my help with math, I can do higher math, it’s just funny to me that Jake struggles with it. I’m going to help him study for his final and he’ll help me with mine as well. Here’s the thing, I like Jake, but I’m trying not to rush into things, I want us to date for a while and get to know each other more, Jake on the other hand, likes me a lot, he’s told so, and I can tell. I just don’t want to rush into something, I think things are kind of going fast as it is, but Jake’s not making it any easier, he’s been calling me his dork, I keep telling him, “Oh really, we’ll see about that,” his response, “What do you mean? I really like you, and you are my dork.” I know he means well and it’s kind of flattering that he feels this way so soon, but that the thing, it’s so soon.

We’re going to go out and study together tomorrow after he gets out of work, I’ll already be out too, so I think we need to talk about things, talk in person, I really like him too, but it seems like things are moving too fast. I just want to be sure this is what I want, I’m doing for myself now, I need to look out for myself and be sure. By the way, I’m still so freakin’ sore, I still worked out but it was not easy. : (

Venting :(

Dam, having trouble sleeping, I have so many things in the back of my mind that I’ve been thinking about, I really need to vent and let out, timing sucks and than it doesn’t at the same time, because Jordan and I were planning my trip to go see him for Christmas and than he broke up with me, I had the best surprise for him, it just kind of sucks thinking of it, than again, maybe he didn’t even deserve it. (that’s how Gabby and Lucy have been encouraging me to think like lately) The Saturday after Jordan broke up with me I finally brought myself to unpack, that sucked, I had so many surprises he’ll never know about, I think it would probably drive him crazy knowing all the things I did for him, and would have, oh well, now what hell am I suppose to do with this stuff? Some things were for him, things which would have been useful, I know how he hates getting crap presents, so I had practical gifts in mind this year, some things he could have used everyday, I even had something for his mom, knowing her, I’m sure she would have loved it too, I thought of sending it to her, after all things were between Jordan and I not her, but why? I guess I’ll just figure out something to do with them. The thing that really drives me crazy is the fact that I actually had a few things planned, just for the two of us, one just for his enjoyment, that really sucks, I don‘t know what to do about that now, oh well. : (

I had a care package for him, that I was going to send out, and I was still thinking of sending it, but decided not to. I had been wanting hot chocolate for sometime now, why I didn’t think of it sooner? I open the package and had some hot chocolate along with some of the snacks I had packed, I’m taking care of myself now, I must admit though, I should eat too many treats if I really want to reach my goal. I had something for his B-day which I was going to send him ahead of time so it would be there the night before, I know he would have really liked that, screw it, its mine now, I like it too. Man! I don’t know, thinking of all this is sort of pissing me off, I did so much for us, for him, and he’ll never know, because while I was getting ready what was he doing? He was planning the trip with me, only to break up with me before it even happened, the crazy thing is, we even talked about me still going up even after breaking up, I am so much stronger than I was then, I probably would have still given him everything, but why? I know now that, that was a stupid and weak thing for me to think, he doesn‘t deserve any of the things I have to offer, he had no idea how lucky he was, I knew, that‘s the beauty of a surprise, the person being surprised never suspects a thing. I love surprises, but still, that really sucks! I guess I have really changed the way of looking at things, in my life, the crazy part about all of this, is how quickly I have adjusted to all of this, I am definitely not the same person that was broken just a week ago, but it still doesn’t change the past, I’m glad, things are kick ass for me right now, my life feels worth living for, it’s still crazy to me. : )

Feeling the burn...

I’m still thinking of my date with Jake, we had been working on studying for finals all day today, only taking a small break in between to text each other. Finally we got to talk, he called me, and when I answered, I got a pleasant greeting, ”Hello my beautiful dork.” Last night throughout the date he kept telling me how beautiful I am, not to sound conceded or anything, but I have been looking really hot lately. I have actually been keeping up with my workout schedule, I’ll admit, I’ve been struggling to keep it up, but my body has never looked better, I’m firmer pretty much everywhere, and my stomach actually has the little dividing lines, I really want to keep up with that, I’ve always been insecure with my stomach, but it’s looking great. I want to be able to wear a two piece this summer without feeling uncomfortable, I probably always could have, but I never felt comfortable with my body enough to do it. I can feel the burn more and more every time I workout, that’s a good sign, I’ve been slowly increasing my routine and I think that’s what’s helping.

I think it’s pretty awesome, Jake actually works out too, he’s not completely ripped, which is a good thing, I don’t like too much, I think I actually prefer a little something, but I can tell he works out, not to mention last night we were talking about it, he told me to feel his stomach, he’s on a four pack so far, that’s cool, I think he’s steps ahead, it’s nice, I‘ve never really kept up with myself enough to be this far. I think it‘s been about a little over four months, with short stops here and there, it‘s a miracle I was able to keep up with it even through my tough times, and now it‘s finally showing some pay off. : ) today we were talking about it more, because I was so sore, I told Jake, I’ve actually been feeling the burn for good while now it’s almost to the point that I want to stop. I just need to keep motivating myself, no stopping now, I’m this far and determined, after a while it should go away, right? I think that’s the way it work, feel the burn, that means its working., and boy do I feel the burn, its only been burning more and more. Jake thinks he could give me some tip on working out to get results faster, but I’m not sure I want to feel more burn than I already do.

My date with Jake :)

I went out with Jake! I was right, it was great! I was so nervous and excited before he came to pick me up. It’s kind of funny, I had to give him directions how to get to my house, I’m horrible with giving directions, but somehow I did it. He called me when he turned down a wrong street, but I helped him find his way, I told him to park in the front and I would come right out, and I did. I knew he had a truck, but I didn’t know what it looked like, when I came out I saw a normal size truck parked with it’s lights on, I got in and he starts laughing and said jokingly, “You didn’t know what my truck looked like, how did you know it was me? You’re crazy, just getting into a strangers truck.” Obviously it was the only one there waiting so I knew it had to be him. He had most of the date planned, he said he wanted to go to the Quarry and Diversions, but he wanted to take me to eat first, I really didn’t care, so on the drive we saw a Whataburger, he asked if I wanted to eat there, he hadn’t had it in a while, I agreed so our first stop, Whataburger, he got off quick and opened my door for me and gave me a big hug before we headed inside. We joked around with the guy at the register, I think he was kind of a newbie. There were only three others tables being used, one left after we went to sit down, three guys, including the one from the register came over to clean it, it was weird, it look like they kept checking on us. I noticed Jake's eyes were light blue again, so I asked him what color are his eyes, somehow he's not even sure. Jake is a fry monster, I told him that and he started talking like Cookie Monster, saying, “French fries,” a few times, I told him the last one sounded almost like Yota, he then changed his voice more like Yota saying, “Fries French.” I just could stop laughing, he is such a dork, score! After we finished eating we were talking for a while, somehow we got into some of his embarrassing childhood stories, they were funny, I guess he’s been crazy all his life. We decided to head out, it was so cold outside, but it was a nice warm drive.

As we were driving, it was non-stop joking back and fourth between us, he was pretending to be a tour guide pointing out these dumb little places, pretending they had history, and I pretended to believe him asking stupid questions, it was funny, that lasted a while then we both just couldn’t believe how dumb we were being. He decided on going to Diversions first, we talked about it and I told him that I hadn’t been there for a long time, I use to go there, I love arcade games, I’m suck a dork. Well, we talked a lot and then all of a sudden he reached for my hand, it fit! I use to tell Jordan how I noticed that holding hands never felt right with anyone before him, or during the time we broke up, it just seemed like no one’s hands fit with mine, besides Jordan, even Henry tried on our date, but I forgot to mention it since it too was a disappointment; so I was surprised that it felt so right, our hands fit together! That made me all kinds of happy. J Once again Jake opened the door for me, and we went in to play some games, he likes most of the same games as me, it was so funny, he almost beat me at air hockey, it’s okay, I warned him that usually win. We played Guitar Hero, and he killed us, it made me laugh that even my niece and nephew could play better. He rocks at shooting games, which is cool, because those are my favorite! He didn’t try the DDR but I did, I can never pass up DDR! We both placed in Area 51 and I found out his initials are J.W, weird, still won, placing 6, he was 9.

That was so much fun, we left and head to the Quarry, I hadn’t been there for a long either, it was so nice and peaceful since it was night, I bet it would be a nightmare during the day with the holiday season, Jake agrees. We walked around outside and sat on a bench talking, it was so cold! Even with my jacket on, I was freezing! Jake wasn’t even wearing a jacket, just a thermal shirt and t-shirt over, he saw how cold I was and started holding me, as we watched the lights, he liked my jacket, saying it was warm. We kept talking as he held me, and then he held one of my hands with the other still around me and he kissed me. Wow, wasn’t expecting that one. It was nice, then he held me some more, the warmth of my jacket made him realize he was getting cold, so we headed back to the truck for his jacket. Instead we got in and he drove us back around where we were sitting, leaving the heater on so we could both be warm, much better, I actually had to take off my jacket. We talked more, and he asked me to sit closer, I did, he held me and he kissed me some more, and I don’t know what happened, we just broke into a long make-out session, it was really good, we held each other tighter and he started rubbing his hands up and down my back, so I started running my finger through his hair, it was so soft! :D It was late, so we finally decided to leave, even though neither one of us really wanted to. He drove the long way home, and held my hand most of the way. I still can’t believe how much fun we had, it was so great, when we got to my house, he opened the door for me once again, he hugged and kissed me. It was so nice, by the time I got inside, it was exactly 1am. Oops.

From green to blue :)

I saw Jake at school today, I was heading to my class and he was as well, but he called that he wanted to see me, we decided to be late for our classes, besides, they were just review days, we met half way and went somewhere to talk. It was really nice, he is such a dork! :D I thought Jake’s eyes were blue, that’s what they looked like when we first met, but to my surprise, when I saw him today, they’re green! :D After my class he called again, asking where I was, I told him I was let out of my class early and was heading to my next class, but I had time, he told me to wait for him, that he was close, before I knew it, he was behind me. He hugged me and we talked outside on a balcony just outside the building of my next class. It was nice, I could see through the door, and I saw my professor pass through heading to class, he always get there about two minuet before class, so I knew I had to go, so Jake walked me inside, and we went our separate ways again. :) I have been talking to Jake more and more, I actually don’t call him, he calls me, so far our conversations have been short, because we both have school and work, I like it, I don’t want to be dependant on talking to him, I don’t want to fall for a voice, I need more, I deserve more than that. Jake asked me out the same night we first met, it will be tomorrow, he hasn’t forgotten, he‘s going to plan it, he’s been throwing ideas out there, but we‘ll see how it turns out. I think it will be great, he seems really cool, and we have a lot in common. I’m not going to let myself do anything I don’t want to do, so I want to go out with him, it’s not just because I can, I want to, and I think it will be great! :)

Jake :)

I met someone today, it was really unexpected, his name is Jake, my math class ended early, and I had an unfinished rough draft due, so I went in search for a spot to work on it. After finding that all seats were taken up stairs, I went downstairs to my luck, I saw people leaving from a table, the whole table to myself, score! I sat and began working, not long at all, this man comes up to me, with his hands full with a large book, and a lot of papers, he asked me if he could sit down. Of course I was not going to use the whole table, so I said it was fine, and he sat in front of me. He told me that he needed to work on homework, and I told him I had a paper due. I still think it was kind of funny, somehow we got into a conversation starting out asking basic info about each other., he asked what’s my major so I told him I’m studying Electrical Engineering, he’s majoring in Radio broadcasting among other things. Needless to say, neither one of us completely finished our assignments, but it was worth it, he gave me his number, so I entered it in my phone and hit dial so he could have my number as well, and we went on to our separate classes. I was in such a good mood to began with, but I felt a little guilty, I was suppose to go out later to see a movie with my friend Henry, we hung out as friends before, but this time he already knew Jordan broke up with me, so he asked me out. I knew I was going out with Henry later, but I was so excited after talking to Jake, he reminded me of Jordan at first, and I remembered Jordan told me I would find someone like him, but the truth is, he is soooo not like Jordan, and that’s a good thing for me. :) Everything has been great!

I’ve been going to the counselor a little over a month, and it has really helped me, for the second time I walked in there happy, but this time I felt so strong. I told her about the break up, and how hard it’s been, but that I realized I need to move on, continue with my life to the fullest, I will not allow myself to shut down. I told her how, it would be pointless to hold on to something that’s not there anymore, I have to let Jordan go, and live my life. I felt so empowered, and then came the fall, she asked me what I would do if Jordan would ever ask me back, I pause as tears formed in my eyes, I told her how much I loved him, how much I still love him, but I have to move on; I told her, even with as much as I love him, I don’t think I could do that to myself, it hurts too much. I need to live for myself, I would still be on the fence, but I would have to be strong for me, I couldn’t do it, I would say no. Probably reluctantly, but it hurts too much, I am going to be fine. Even with me saying this, I have a homework assignment, I need to write a pros and cons list with Gabby, about why I should let Jordan go, or why I shouldn’t give up hope, I broke, my confidence was broken, I know it’s not good to keep hoping in this situation. I agreed but, I really didn’t want to do it. L I did not leave the way I entered, but the good news is, that I am doing well, both counselors agree, they think I’m going to be good enough to end my sessions, only one more to go! :D I’m soooo happy about that! It hurts when I relive memories, but I don’t want to forget, instead I will just have to forgive and let go if I ever have to deal with more difficult situations like this, I want to be prepared and know how to handle them. I can’t believe she broke me again, I was not going to cry anymore, but I was obviously wrong, it’s still a process. I love Jordan, I know some part of me always will love him, I just wish him the best. I still miss him, I’m still tempted to text or call, but that’s a habit I will have to let go as well, I have toughen up, we can’t talk, I won’t let myself.

So, like I said, I went to the movies with Henry after I got out of school, we missed all the good movies, so we had to watch a foreign film, “A Serous Man”, neither one of us could figure it out, and that’s because it was in English! That had to be one of the weirdest movies I EVER saw! We kind of understood the point, but it left sooo many things unanswered. After the movie we ate at the deli in Target, I know that seems cheesy, maybe because it was, but we both really wanted to go look at the Legos and Kentex, so we killed two birds with one stone. :D He met my mom, today, it was kind of funny, he was his crazy self, he didn’t even try to hide the way he was. Surprisingly, he made my mom laugh, and we got to pick on him. J When I got home I got a text from Jake, he wanted to know what I was doing, after texting,” Nothing, just at home”, he called me, I liked talking to him more than going out with Henry, at least I went out and tried, but there won’t be another date. Jake and I talked for a while, and learned some basic stuff about each other, he is 28, seven years older than me, going to my college, (obviously since that’s where we met) in his fourth year, works near by our school, has a truck, and lives by himself in his own house. I told him about me, and after getting to know each other more, Jake asked me out for Saturday, that seem cool to me, I think it could be great, he seems more my type than Henry, and that’s because I wasn’t even sure if I had a type, apparently I do, it must be the dorkyness. :)

Regrouping

It has not been easy, and I don’t expect it to be. I was having a hard time at work, I can’t let myself, shut down. I went to work after an almost complete melt down last night. I had to help some guy with his little girl, he was walking around without a clue, I approached him and asked if he needed help, after all he was in the lingerie department, he laughed and told me his wife sent him to find her something. I asked what he was looking for, bras or panties, he told me she wanted something sexy for Christmas, but she wanted him to pick it out. I took him over to the sexy Christmas outfits we had, he told me she has a lot of black and red, so he wanted something different. I took him over to another area, where we had more black and red, black and pink, and white. He really liked the white one, I asked if he knew her size, he didn’t know how to pick out the size, but he knew her cup size and waist, so that helped, really that’s all you need to know. He also liked a black and pink one. He wasn’t sure which he wanted, and asked me, if I was married, I told him no, than he asked if I had a boyfriend, I sighed and said, “Recently, no,” he apologized, and told me he just wanted an opinion of what I would get, he apologized again, and said, “ You know what, screw him, he doesn’t deserve you,” my eyes got a little teary and my voice cracked as I said, thanks with a small smile. I told him he could have one for Christmas and save one for Valentines, so he wouldn’t have to worry about it later, he laughed and said he doesn’t get twofers, that’s why she has so many, he said, “ I’m easy, Ill just take both.” He looked at me kind of sad, my eyes still glossy and fighting back tears, he thanked me for my helping and went on to pay. It’s crazy, but I rebuilt myself fast thinking of what he said, he was right, screw him, maybe Jordan didn’t deserve me, I did so much for him over the years, much more than he realized or ever gave me credit for. I was still a little hurt, but I regrouped and got back to work.

It's Over and it hurts.

I’ve been going through a lot lately, I’m going to be honest about what happened. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately with memories haunting me from my past that I just hadn’t let go. I told Jordan everything, he knew my deepest darkest secrets, I trusted him with my life. It hurts me so much that I put too much pressure on him for so long, I pushed him away with all my problems. I wasn’t being myself, so as a result, he eventually told me he fell out of love with me, he said that he didn’t love me the way he use to, he only loved me as a friend. It hurt so much, because my love for him was so strong., I was still happy in love with him.

For a while now, I’ve been driving myself crazy in a very bad way remember my past, it was uncontrollable for me. I began having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, at first I wanted them to stop, I didn’t know why I was having those thoughts, I still can’t believe I let it get so far. Jordan was there trying to help me through it, he made me promise him I would call anytime I got those thoughts, I don’t know what happened, we hadn’t been talking for a while and then I was going through this and their he was; I don’t know what was going on in my head, the thoughts just kept becoming more and more frequently. I think in my mind I was liking the attention I had from Jordan once again, I am so ashamed that I didn’t realize this sooner. Through this process, I scared him and pushed him away. I lost my boyfriend, and I begged him to take me back, he said that it wasn’t my fault, he just fell out of love, but I wasn’t being me, how could he love what I was becoming? He broke up with me, and I told him I was going to kill myself, because I only allowed myself to live this long, for him, I lived for him. He said he would stay with me for a while, until I was better, I asked him to just try and he could love me again once he got to know the me that was gone, the me he fell in love with in the first place.

The next day, he was calling non stop, and I couldn’t answer, I was busy, but I didn’t even text him to let him know. He then text me to call, that it was an emergency, so I got away from what I was doing and I went to my room and called him. He was so upset with me, he thought I did something to myself. I told me that despite what he said before, he couldn’t do it, he talk to his friend and his mom for advice and they both told him he needed to get out. I cried and begged him not to, but he said that he made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it anymore, I begged him so much and still he would change his mind, he was not my Jordan at that moment, his voice was completely different than I had ever heard before. He told said he would still be my friend but he couldn’t be with me anymore, that hurt so bad, it still does, I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. He said he would call me later, I panicked and I called my friend Lucy, I couldn’t stop crying, and I told her everything. I told her what I thought he was doing, that he just needed to give me one more chance, I was in so much pain. I made the final mistake, I asked her to talk to him for me, that I was afraid he wouldn’t answer the phone or want to hear my voice anymore.

She agreed that she would talk to him, I was just crying and crying after I got off the phone with her, it only got worst, I was really hurt. After a while, Jordan called me, I answered it, he knew I was crying and asked me what was wrong, I told him,” What do you think Jordan? It hurts, a lot.” He told me he had just got off the phone with Lucy, I apologized and told him I just really needed to talk about it. He was angry with me, then the non- Jordan voice came out again, he told me, “Sarah listen to me, it’s over, we are not going to get back together, I am not going to just fall back love with you.” I started begging and crying, I had given him several chances before, he screwed up so much and I always gave him another chance, I had even gone through a point where I fell out of love with him, I thought I needed someone else, I didn’t even know who, I just thought I wanted someone new, I fell out of love with him for a while but I never told him, I kept talking to him, and when I went to see him in the summer, I fell back in love with him the moment I saw him, I remembered, I loved him.

I had told him about this the first night he tried to break up with me, we were planning a trip for me to go up and see him again over Christmas and New Years, I told him to wait and just see until then, he agreed then, but not this time. I told him not talking to him would be like he was dead, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. I told him he had to give me a second chance, he told me, ”This was your second chance, you I know you don’t want another guy, but you can’t have me.” when I begged with him to just wait he told me we were done, “Sarah, I am not going to fall back in love with you, I won’t let myself fall back in love with you. I can’t talk to you anymore, not even as friends, I need to move on and so do you, and you won’t be able to if unless we stop talking, I’m sorry, goodbye Sarah.” I said, “ I love you, goodbye” I said, “I love you, goodbye”, and hung up the phone. I cried so hard, I called Lucy and I couldn’t even talk for a while, I was just crying out, letting it all out. I was so upset, she tried to calm me down, but it seemed hopeless. I had worked things out with my mom the day before, that itself was a miracle, I thought I would never be able to talk to her, so I gained my mom and lost my boyfriend the next day; I was crying to Lucy that I wanted my mom, but she wasn’t home, and I didn’t want to call and scare her. My only choice was to wait for her, which really sucked. I had Lucy to cry on, it was so hard, I just wanted my mom, I never felt this close to my mom, but things were different, I felt like I had a true mom there for me, telling me everything was going to be alright. I received a call from my mom and asked Lucy if I could call her back, it turns out my mom was home, but I accidentally locked her out.

She came in with a lot of stuff, which my little sister was helping her with. As soon as she put them down she asked what was wrong, I was still crying, and I told her,” It’s hard mom, it hurt so much.” She hugged me and told me that I was going to be fine, she told me, ”Just let him go, he’s the one that will see the difference, he’ll be the one to regret it later. Just be strong, you can do it, you’re not alone, just don’t let it get you down, you’ll fine someone who will really know how to appreciate you, and who will love you more, the way you deserve to be loved.” At first she sounded kind of mad and cold, but I know she was giving me the kick I needed, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I went up to my room and I called Lucy, she answered right away, I wasn’t crying anymore, I told her that it really helped talking to my mom. She agreed with her, and I kind of perked up, Lucy’s always known about the guys I know, I have a lot of friends that want to date me but I was always blunt about my feelings I had for Jordan, so they always knew there was no chance.

Lucy started talking to me excited, telling me that I could finally go out and have some fun with one of them or meet someone new (not very hard for me to do) it kind of helped me, and I really started to feel better, but then our conversation was cut off, I called Lucy back, then after talking some more, once again it was dropped, she called me back and told me that her phone was dying and that’s why the call kept dropping, I told her I would fine, and we hung up. I texted Jordan for the final time,” I have Lucy and my mom now, u were the push, they kicked my ass into gear. The things u were “trying”, I hope u’ll b ok. It hurts but I’m done crying. J ” He replied,” Good. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Goodbye, Sarah.”

Fresh!

I don't have to put up with all the crap from work anymore but I still have crap to deal with anyways. I'm glad I have Jordan there for me to get through the crap as I'm there for him, we're always there for each other and we wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting over and on the hunt again, putting out apps. and I'm feeling good. I have an interview tomorrow so, YAY! :)

My room has been looking good for a while now but yesterday I replaced my bed. It is such a space saver! I love it, I still can't believe my room, it looks so GREAT!!! It was hard work to it in my room because it was so heavy, specially stained all wood frame with thick 6" matching legs. I fell asleep so tired last night but I woke up feeling really good and well rested, the bed was so comfortable! My old bed was already really starting to hurt my back and neck. I slept so good and pain free. I'm now making some minor adjustments, I wanted a new bed and desk to complete my room and now I have them so I am happy am I'm done with the major stuff. One rule I'm going to try to follow, to keep your surroundings from become dull and boring you should always rearrange minor things such as pictures, decoration, books; the littlest of things can go a long way to keep your room looking fresh.

I can't wait to start my classes this fall semester.

Why parents should watch their kids at the store...

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I have my love back so I can release directly to him. Jordan always makes me feel so much better, I love talking things out with him. We've been catching up on what we missed since we couldn't talk.

Let me first start by saying, "Boys will be boys."
I work in retail and I have seen a lot of crazy things that kids do while their parents shop. I've seen kids fall off of shelves, knock down entire displays which where just put up, and many more things. Today I saw two kid(boys) so bord they decided to play, what and how did they play you may ask? Well, I could see them off in the distance, they were probably between the ages of seven and nine. I saw one boy reach for a baseball helmet (the only one left) so I guess the other boy wanted something on his head, his choice? He turned around and grabbed something white with straps, what was it..? I'll give you a hint, it was with the sports wear and sports equipment... if you can guess I would just like to say I never knew that what a jock strap look like until today, strapped to the little boys head. I was shocked that their parents weren't around to see them and tell them why it's so wrong to up just anything on your head.

Oh yay, on a random note, I ate animal crackers the day before and yesterday. Something about writing the blog about animal crackers really made me crave them. I shared with my nephew and at least I eat the head first to put the animal out of it's misery, he eat the feet one by one while making the animals noises to match. I was just giving him random animals and all of a sudden he tells me," Look, I got happy feet." It was a penguin so I asked if he was going to bite his little head off, he told me," No, I'll eat his feet first so he can stop dancing." The crazy things that come out of kids mouths, I thought I was evil, he's worst! He makes his poor little animals die a slow and painful death. CRUNCH!

Speak no more, so tired...

I woke up an hour before work, (late) I didn't want to get out of bed because was so tired. By the time I actually got up there were about forty minuets, I didn't iron my clothes (I didn't even know what to wear) I found clothes, ironed them, dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face, feed my dog, and cleaned up after him. No time for a breakfast energy boost, I grabbed a soda and a mini muffin (not enough) I was so tired at work, I just couldn't stop yawning. Why was I so tired? Well if you read my blog from yesterday you would know that it was late enough when I posted but then I typed out a letter, exercised (10mins. a day), rearranged some of my books on my new shelf, and took a shower. You would think I would be so tired, tired enough to just knock out, I was but I didn't. I tried to cry in the shower but it always just relaxes me so I couldn't, I really needed to cry, bad. So after my shower I laid in bed thinking of the main character Melinda in my book, "Speak," big mistake! I couldn't cry and it only hurt more, I was so tired but I couldn't sleep I had no other choice: I started reading the book. I was almost done, so close to the end, the story was at the climax I could stop! About an hour later I finished the book, 3:38am when I looked at the time. Bad news: I didn't get enough sleep. Good news: I bawled like I knew the character personally, I cried and it felt so good, I felt so good. Closure at last!

Through all this I still thought of Jordan, I miss Jordan so much, it Tuesday night so his plane should be returning him home soon, and he promised he would call as soon as he was home, YAY!!! I can't wait to hear him voice again, I love the sound of his voice, I him. I love Jordan so much! Thisssss much! (arm stretched out as wide as they possible could) I know, I'm such a dork, oh well I don't care. :)

Well I'm going to try to go to sleep early, Jordan usually helps, over the phone he drags me top my bed, I don't know how he does it but he does, I love him. :) I think I need a not-so intense book this time around, hopefully I will choose one that won't drive me crazy again. JORDAN! he just called, he's riding home from the airport, he'll call me when he's back home! YAY!!!! I'm so happy! Got to go, he should be home soon.

"Speak" :'(

As you may have noticed I didn't blog yesterday, I wanted to but I just didn't find the time. I had to distract myself so I did rearrange some of my stuff as I said then I went shopping with my mom. I'm still so proud of myself because I've kept up with my rule that I would only buy things that I need, I serious needed a bookshelf so I bought on among a few other items. I knew I needed one but I really didn't know how much I needed the bookshelf until I started putting I my books on it. It filled up fast but it looks so good and organized, I love it! Still not as much Jordan, though, I would still leave it behind for him but at least I can enjoy being in there for now. (my dog loves it too, he just loves the way he has him own area set up with plenty of roaming space, Freedom!)

The new book, "Speak," is really getting to me. Sadly I was right about my guess, I hate being right because that means I can see the signs. I wanted to cry as I read the big secrete but I couldn't I had to hold it in so I feel very sad. I still want to cry but I can't just yet, not until I'm in the safety of my room. I needed to write a letter and blog before I could take my late night shower (I switched to nights it's easier to sleep) I have to work in the morning so I should probably hurry up.

I just can't believe the impact a book could have on my life, I really picked some good books I can't wait to read my final pick then I'll have to buy some more, good thing my shelf is big enough with an extra shelf still! :) I can't wait to go to my room and cry it all out, I always feel so much better after a good cry. I really need to cry, I can feel a knot of emotions in my chest waiting to let lose. I really miss Jordan, I need a hug, not just any hug, a hug from my love. :( There's something about being with Jordan, we fit perfect, it just feels so right. I miss that feeling, I need that feeling right now. One more day, tomorrow night I can talk to my love, still one night too long. :'(

Jordan withdraw :(

It's not the same. :( Nothing feels the same without my love, Jordan. I worked today and it really sucks not to have someone to talk to about my day, I can't talk to my mom about it, the sad thing is I've become so desperate I've actually tried but she's no help. I want to cry. Things are getting worst, I'm stressing out too much and I won't have that going on in my life when I go back to school. I mean, I know I might have some stress when I'm back in school but even school never got to me this bad, I'm a NERD! I love school! I can't wait to go back! Yay, school! I feel a little better now thinking of my escape from home and work.

Actually I don't really mind being at home so much my room is now improved big time and I love spending time playing with my little dog. My friend "Ceci" actually compliment me on how oragnized it is in there, if anything it's improved even more since her visit. I still have things I want to get rid of but I'm glad that everything has a place and I keep it in that place. It feels kind of weird not having anything to do to my room so I might just start re-arranging my furniture again, maybe, I don't know. I've still been reading the new book, "Speak," it's getting better and better!

To escape my Jordan withdraw I have turned blogging, tea and, ice cream (not at the same time) throughout my day. It helps to relax me and calm my nerves which I so need right now. I miss talking to Jordan I can't wait until he gets back from vacation and we can talk again, he's my lifesaver! I don't know what I would do without him, I just have to keep counting down, only three more days, yay. :( That's still three days too long for us. I miss him like crazy. :(

Prooves and Animal Crackers

I've been thinking about this book I read a while back, "The Last Book in the Universe," I can't seem to get it out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I can't believe how much of an impact that book had on my life. Through out the book I imagined every detail described and tried to relate it with the world around me. It takes place in the future and it makes our time look really good, the book kind of makes you appreciate what we have now because you never know when it could all be taken away. Well yesterday we were driving from downtown heading to my brother's work and there are a few incomplete building structures along the way; it was really weird, all of a sudden I was pulled into the story. I could see the world as it was described in the book and I didn't hear or see anything going on around me, in my head the sky turned a grayish-red with rubble and metal on the ground below. I could see the main characters standing in the rubble: Spaz, Wrider, Little face (Chox), the latch leader- Billy, and the Proove- Layana. Before I knew it we were pulled up to my brother work place and I had the image of Red world in my head before I knew it just started talking about the book to my mom. This isn't the first time it happened either and it's sort of freaking me out, I just finished another book,"Talk to the Hand," after "The Last Book in the Universe" and it didn't catch my attention as much. Now I'm reading another book called "Speak" just like the "TLBIU" I'm getting pulled into the story, it's serious with some everyday humor and a big secrete which I'm already guessing (I always do that when I get into a book) I can see the characters but for some reason it always comes back to the Prooves. Why? I have no idea why I keep imagining these things but it's really weird for me and almost uncontrollable. Maybe I should change the subject...

Ha, Ha! Jordan should appreciate this one, other than Prooves I've been thinking about animal crackers. They're haunting me! The day before I was talking to Jordan after work and I was eat animal crackers. Yep, biting the heads off one by one. Elephant, crunch! Awww, cute little little penguin, crunch, crunch, crunch! Jordan felt sorry for the poor helpless little animal. Oh well that their fault for not being able to fly. Ha, ha, ha! I felt like a little kid playing with their food, I mean what kid hasn't? A kid or an evil giant crunching away at the tiny little animals. Man I want some more animal crackers! Mmmm... animal crackers....

I miss Jordan. He gone right now and I miss him, last night I fell asleep for the first time without talking to him on the phone saying how much we love each other. It felt kind of weird falling asleep without telling Jordan goodnight. :( I ended up saying, "Goodnight Jordan I love you," in the darkness of my room. It wasn't the same. (sigh) I miss Jordan.

SOOOOOOOO BORED!!!

I've been really frustrated lately because of work. I need to get away, I use to love my job but lately things have been different. I wouldn't mind but it's really different now. I don't now what to do anymore, on my days off I have really nothing to do but look for other jobs online and check my email. I now have my long-time project(my room) done so I can't even do that unless I make a mess solely for the purpose of of cleaning it up again. For a while I actually forgot I had a blog otherwise I would have been posting in my spare time. I'm so bored but I'd rather stay home than be dragged around in the car all day. It's been so hot lately, scorching hot! I love the heat and even I'm wishing for rain and cloudy skies.

I don't know what to do, I've been reading books again but my choice of book this time isn't catching my attention, the last book I read- ironically was called The Last Book in the Universe, the story was so good it made me cry at some parts. I wish the ending would have been different it made me want to read more, I heard rumors of a movie- that would be AWESOME as long as they don't ruin the story line. Maybe I should try changing books to something more interesting to me I think even when it comes to books I get bored easily. I guess I'm just someone that want to be entertained in all aspects of my life. Any suggestions?

Now, for one day.

I know Jordan loves me and I love him but lately I've been having these feelings of uncertainty, not of our love for one another but something else. The truth is I just don't know if I'm good enough for him. Am I really enough for him? I love him so much and I'm just so terrified of losing him. I can't lose him, I'm crying just writing these words. I've never felt this strongly about anyone else, I know I may have said that before but I never meant it in the way I do now. I am madly and hopelessly in love with Jordan to the point of worry and fear of one day losing him.

Lately Jordan and I have been talking about getting married someday and having kids, we've even picked out names and discussed how we plan on raising them. Our ideal family: One boy and one girl (both nerds of course) our children will be well behaved due to our strick parenting and constant envolvment (to a certain point of course.) We will teach them to be independant when it matters. They'll learn about robotics and computer programming. There's more but you get the idea.

The more we talk about it the more we seem to agree. I would love for Jordan to be the father of my children one day and that's not something I've said before. I've thought about marriage in the past however it never seemed right, I never thought to myself this is it, this is the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love Jordan so much and I really can't see myself with anyone else but him nor do I want to try. If I could I would give up everything right now and go wherever Jordan wanted, I really would and I wish I could.

Whenever I tell this to Jordan (I've mentioned this many times) he respnds, " I know, one day. I love you so much, one day will be together all the time." It makes me so happy to hear him say that and it motivates me to strive harder towards my goals. He makes me who I am and who I want to be. I want to change my life now to ensure that I'll have a future with the love of my life. Jordan is the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with so you could see why I would be so afraid of losing something so wonderful, so perfect, I just can't bare to think of it so I'll think of the now for my future with Jordan as much as I can. Our future together, and one day we'll be finally HOME.

My second trip to see my love. :)

Hello everyone, anyone reading this besides Jordan. Happy Father's Day!

I'm just here thinking of my love right now when I realized that I haven't posted an update in a long time. To those still reading this, I went back to visit my love last month, it was so wonderful to be with him again. We had a great time just spending every day with each other.

My trip to see Jordan was wonderful! I hadn't noticed just how peaceful and wonderful it really is over there. I'm seriously considering moving over there, I like Jordan's college and I already know they have my major couse study courses. Maybe one more year here and then I can venture out, we would both love that. I need to save up and maybe get my own place. I need to move, things are only getting worst at home. Yep, I need a place for just me and JoJo (my little dog)

While I was visiting Jordan we looded up the price reanges for me to go to school at Jordan's college since the prices are different for out of state students; it turns out for what I was paying at my old college I could have been with Jordan for a lower cost.

A prayer for my love

I had a wonderful day, I started out feeling great(not so great last night I was terribly sick) I felt pretty good, I spoke with Jordan my love as I do every morning-he's been feeling a little bad himself. My good friend/co-worker picked me up and stole me away first to breakfast (at a Mexican restaurant which she's close friends with the owners) then some unfinished business that's been really stressing me out (she was such a LIFESAVER today!!) We went to her lovely home, then work for our schedules and afterwards we went to this donut shop/restaurant that I 've never been (she's friends with the owners as well) we had drinks and a donut as we had a talk with a very friendly employer which appearently has worked there for a long time. (Of course I had to buy donuts to go for my mom and little sis, I love them no matter what) She took me home and I called my mom when I discovered she wasn't there, she was with my brother so I walked over and met her to go for a drive= on the road again. :)

So what could possible bring me down today? It seem like nothing, then I spoke with my love once again, he thought he was experiencing bad allegeries only to finally come to the conclusion that he is really really sick. I told him to get some rest since he already took his medicine. It's been a long time since I've felt heartache but it really broke my heart to hear him so sick, I don't think I've ever heard him sick. I let him go and then; I cried and I hugged my pillow tight wishing I could do something for him and I realized I could, I prayed. I prayed and cried my heart out to God to really watch over him, Jordan's not really religious but I am and I believe there is nothing more powerful then prayer. So I cried my eyes and heart out as I said a prayer for my love, I'm still a little worried about him but I put him in God's hands for him to be better soon, I love Jordan so much and it hurts me to hear him sad or sick just as it effects him to hear me that way.

Ash Wednesday & true love

Today was Ash Wendnesday, the day where Catholics take time to repent, get there cross shaped ashes on there forehead, and give up something they really like for 40 day. 40 days until Easter when Jesus arose.
- I don't have anything against Ash Wednesday or the people that follow it however I do have one thing that makes me feel alittle uneasy about it; I really don't like the stares I get from the people with ashes, I see them looking at me as if they see me as a sinner just because I don't the ash cross on my forehead. I'm not a Christian-Catholic, I'm Christian-Christian, we don't have Lint and so we don't get ashes. Really I personally don't have a problem with it I just don't see the point in asking for forgiveness and a chance to repent on just one specific day? I suppose there must be a reason but I'm just not familar with the Catholic beliefs. I wanted to wore a Christian rock band T-shirt to show my Christianaty and you know what, I didn't get those weird stares today.
- So today was just another day for me to awake and say "Good morning God, Good morning Jesus", and smile as the morning light shown through my window. Just another glorious day, a new day, better day (I could feel it) I was right. Lately the past few days I have not been feeling myself, they were not my best days but today was wonderful, I truly felt God's blessing today.
- I started out my day feeling refreshed and well rested. Joy, happiness, hope, and love feeled my heart. I felt so great today that I even got some exercise in using my dance game I have at home after a nice hardy breakfast (I can't start my days off without it anymore, so I thank God that I've been blessed with the time and Jordan's influence to have breakfast every morning.) I had hot tea to relax me, water, and Gaterade to replenish after, a small lunch and a nice healthy dinner prepared using a healthy cook book I purchased about a week ago. This was my second dinner from that book and they were both delious and very healthy. We had been eating out a lot and I really got tired of the fast food junk so I tired eating salads and then I thought,"Why not eat at home as we use to", my mother is a great cook and taught us to eat our veggies and now I actually crave them. I think my mom really just hasn't been in the mood to cook so that's why I decided to step up, I would watch her cook but she wouldn't let me help. Now that I'm older I can do the cooking myself and really there's nothing to it all you have to do is add the right spices to it for the flavor to be just right. I love cooking, I already have the next three breakfast and dinners planned (lunch is still a mystery) but they are healthy, filling, and gooooood. :) I plann to keep up with my health, not as a new year resolution (I didn't make any) but as something good I can do for myself to better myself.
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JoJo is my little dog, he is so adorable. He was laying on my lap for a while falling asleep, as you could imagine it starting hurt just alittle so I made an adjustment. He then lay with my arm as a support, one paw on my stomatche and the other on my rist as if they were his arm rest, his head laying back on my arm. It looked like he were lay on a lazy boy with his eyes closed and a smirk on his tiny face, he was like a prince sitting on his throne. I just watched him mainly because he looked both funny and cute at the same time; but mostly I couldn't believe how tiny he was in my arms. He appears so helpless yet trusting, just one squeeze is all it could take to ruin his perfect serenty but he knew I wouldn't disrupt that, I joined him in closing my eyes also trusting that he wouldn't just jump up on me or bite me. No... we were harmonious together, It was a wonderful feeling.
As strange as it may sound: It remind me of being with Jordan. We have those moments all the time with each other. We let our gaurd down and trust in each other. :) It's really a wonderful feeling, never before had I felt this way, not one other soul has made me feel so trusting, so safe. I love the feeling. It fills me with a calm, I could be in Jordan's arms forever and I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't mind at all. I know everything happens for a reason, I think God has sent me Jordan to show me what really love is suppose to feel like, I know I said I was in love once before but I know now that couldn't even begin to compare with the love Jordan and I share. Looking back I think of the love Jordan and I share would have been unimaginable, I had to exeperience it to know the possibilities. If a love like this with another person exist on earth.., I could only imagine the love that awaites in heaven, I could only imagine the eternal love God has for us all and I thank God for Jordan. He has shown me so much but, Jordan, of all, I treasure our love. Thank Jordan, for loving me and allowing me to finally know love. I love you Jordan, fy394. :)

? Feeling Off.

I've been off these past few days, I'm not quite sure what it is but something is just different. I know I haven't been posting much, it's not that there isn't anything for me to post about, really I actually have a lot going on in my life lately. Let's see:

-I turned 21, yay! I still can't believe it, I don't feel any different then I did before. That's my story every year, all birthdays are, another day we've been wondering around on the earth. Really it's no big deal, I spent it relaxing after going to work in the morning and then having lunch with a friend of mine. It was all good. :)
-Thursday I spent the night over at one of my BFF's house (Chips). It was fun seeing her again we talk on the phone but the last time we actually saw each other was Halloween (which was a blast by the way- one of the best Halloween's every!) Well the next morning I was suppose to be returned home before she had to go to school, instead I tagged along, it was so much fun. I met most of her friends before she went to class and I stayed hagging out with them. It was so cool I ran into two of my friends one of which I knew went there (L) and the other just an added bonus. (You know I'm talking about you D.) I got alittle time to talk and catch up with what's been going on, a lot sure has changed including me (L) kept on commenting on how different I look now, I'm the same but with some adjustments. She says it's because of Jordan but I don't mind, I feel good and that all that matters. Any ways it was so cool to hang out with them again and now (D) subscribe to my feed and will probably read this so, Hello to you! :)

I will be going for now but I will try to post something more interesting tommorrow so until then goodnight everyone! Yay!

Hot girl..?

I never thought I would be saying this, but am I a hot girl? I've noticed that I've been getting more attention for strangers (more than I would like) but I was in denile thinking that it was all in my head or there must have been a prettier girl behind me. Man I feel weird about this topic, I still can't believe the attention I've been getting, it's all too... WEIRD! The only thing that I could think of is Jordan, it must be a glow I have from being with Jordan. Really that's when I started noticing the extra attention, after I came back from seeing Jordan over the Christmas Holiday.

Many people tell me that I look different, I sure feel different, I feel so happy and it's all because of Jordan. :) The last time I saw my friend Lucy she told me that I looked different, she said she knew why- I'm in love was her reasoning. I've been in love with Jordan so long but something about the trip just brought us closer and made us love each other even more- we didn't even know that was possible.

I feel more confident not and I've been trying new things and do more things for myself. I love doing things for myself, I don't think my mom likes it because she wants me to always be around. I think it scares her to think of me leaving home, I do everything she asks me to - I'm the only one. She always talks and cries to me about things going on and if I leave who will she have? My little sister doesn't understand what's going on, I don't really want her to and neither does my mom.

Even my mom's been looking at me differently like she knows something. When I first came back she was mad at me for a while, she said I left them with no warning. I guess a month isn't enough warning according to her, really I think she thought I wasn't going to leave. I day she told me," Well if you want to go then go I'm not going to stop you, I don't care." I don't care, that hurt me some much and she had no idea just how much; at that moment was when I decided to go. If she didn't care why stay when there's someone that does care waiting for me? I needed to leave and I'm glad that I did. :)

Now I feel better, I'm more rested and look better and apparently I'm hot. My ex before "R" is trying to get back with me, he's never stopped but he gotten more annoying asking my mom and step dad if he could date me. They didn't know I was with him before but they know I don't want to be with him now. It's the curse, waite a minute... maybe I was in denile. Maybe I have been hot I look the same to me sort of, I haven't lost or gained any weight, why does the curse happen? Could me being hot be part of it? It's still weird for me to think of myself as hot, to those who know me- am I?

Where do I belong?

I can't sleep, so I blog to calm my nerves. (Hopefully)

I've spent yesterday and today with my family(mom, brothers, & sisters) celebrating two B-day's. Most would assume it would be fun to go bowling and then out to a pizza place in two days but,(sigh) nope... not when it's my family. I feel like the one that's always left out of everything, since I was little it's always been that way. I'm not the oldest nor the baby of the family, I'm not even the middle child so why me? Why am I always feeling this way? And before anyone makes the assumption that it's all in my head, it's not, in fact; I wish it were just all in my head but there's actual proof.
I might not show it but I've always been the "Loser" of my family, I've never been cool enough for any of them. This doesn't bother, the way my own family treats me, that what bothers me. I'm the one that doesn't follow the crowd or try to prove myself to anyone, I'm just me, that the way I've always been. My brothers and sisters have always followed the crowd even when it comes to stupid things. Well there's always one in every family and I guess I'm that one, I was always picked on, mental and physically (I have both scares to prove it.)
I never did anything but help my brothers and sister all my life and they have hurt me in so many ways in return of my kindness (and I realize what you might be thinking& no I don't do it for them to treat me differently, I've just always been the kind-hearted person of the family) I believe in honoring thy mother and father, and respecting, caring, for my siblings as well as others. I'm one of those persons that can show kindness to someone even so heartless just at the thought of showing them what humanity should be like. It's hard and trying to show it constantly to those whom wronged me but I continue to be an 'opt' looking on the bright side of the half full glass.
Seriously, as odd as this may sound: I've always been the ONLY white sheep of my family surrounded by individual black sheep which makes the white sheep look odd. (Jordan: I'm sure you would agree with me, you know about them, you know what I'm referring to)
I'm nothing like my family, I don't see where I fit with them other then someone to pick on and use as a life preserver when needed. I promise you this, with every little thing I do for them; if I wasn't there to do it, I don't know what they would do without me. I'm a freakin' life saver, and I honestly don't know how I've put up with all this for so long. I've been saying no and trying to distance myself from them when I get a chance-which I've been trying to do more ever since my return. My mom still likes to bring up the fact that I abandoned her without warning(which isn't true unless you consider about a month no warning, and then actual proof warn of two weeks. It's not my fault she chose not to believe it until the night before.)
They all need me to a certain point but won't admit it, my mom probably most of all.
Well I've always had these thoughts but yesterday and today it really hit me hard, how am I even related to these persons? I really can't see it. I feel like the poor white sheep that doesn't belong. Where do I belong? The sad thing is I know where I belong, I feel like myself, better than myself, "Sarah 2.o", complete when I'm with Jordan no matter where we are. I want to go home Jordan, just like you've told me in the past, you're my home, you're where I belong. :'(

Another Year Gone By

Another year gone by I feel so useless, that's crazy I know I'm not but I feel like I am. I wish I could change my life. It's been a year since Heath Ledger's death. It's so weird to think of it already that long ago. It was weird for me to hear it's been an entire year already, all the news had a short mentioning of him and there have been some of his movies showing on T.V.

I glad I don't feel the same as I did one year ago when I first blogged about his death. I feel much better and I'm looking forward towards the future, my future. :) I'm in love with Jordan and that's enough of a reason for me to feel good. It feels so good to think positive so just forget my first comment, I feel great and so should everyone! Have a great rest of the day, I'm going to go and do something useful with the rest of mine.

A New Year!

Hello to everyone!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I know I did. :)

First of all, I hope that I didn't worry anyone the way I just completely stopped posting after Jordan and I broke up. I kept on writing but I just never had the chance to post any of them, later I'll try to post the document link for anyone that wants to read them all but I must warn- there are a lot, I wrote practically every day.

**Just a quick recap, things were hard after Jordan and I broke up, we would still talk everyday and he had a different reaction than any of my past breakups. Instead of pulling away he was sweet, caring, and still there for me no matter what. It was painful but for a long while we didn't tell each other how we felt but there were moments when I cried, then he cried with me.
**I started dating for while but sadly things just couldn't compare to what Jordan and I had, I think I was trying too hard to make myself have feeling that weren't really there. The way things were only farther help me realize my feelings for Jordan weren't going to go away, and they still haven't.

This Christmas holiday I spent two amazing weeks with the love of my life, Jordan and I'm glad that I took the chance because it only brought us closer to each and fall more and more in love with each. I still can't believe, I didn't think it was even possible to be in love as we are now. I've felt so great ever since I decided to take that chance, I don't regret it at all.

I went by train because I had never been on one and I always wanted to try it.

My Train experience:
4. Well it was a long train ride but it was so quit compared to all the craziness I was use to.
3. I was able to sleep A LOT (which I disparately needed)
2. I saw beautiful landscapes along the way.
1. The best thing of all, I did it all on my own!

When I arrived it was really cold, but I didn't have to be in the cold too long because Jordan was there waiting for me on the platform . I nearly cried but the cold wind kept me from my tears.

It was so great to be with him again, I love him so much. I spent Christmas with him and his family, they are so nice and fun to be around. I got some presents but the best present of all was just being able to spent Christmas with Jordan I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! :)

We stayed at Jordan's Grandma's house for three days and we saw a lot of movies and played Guitar Hero World Tour with his brother and sister. It was fun! After the three days we drove down to his dad's side of the family for an after Christmas, Christmas. We were there for most of the day then we went back to his house. We drove around a lot but I liked it, he is such a good driver, I felt so safe with him.

On New Years Eve we went to other city to eat lunch and Jordan bought me a t-shirt from there. He kind of picked it because he liked the way it looked and it was two shades of GREEN! I love green so I really liked it. When we got back in town we went over to his friends house so we could meet but he was with his girlfriend so I met his parents and we watched Across the Universe I really liked that movie since the first time I saw, (I LOVE the Beatles!) When we got back to his house, his sister was having a New Years party so being the losers and nerds that we are we just went to his room and watch a Battle Star Galactica season.

For anyone who's into robotic: The First Robotic Kickoff was on the 3rd and we were there! It was so different than what I was use to. The game is so different now, a lot has changed. Jordan being the nerd I know and love, had to help teach many persons how to work with the new programming. So I had the pleasure of watching him at his nerdiest. :D

We stayed late so Jordan was pretty much brain dead, hungry, and on a sugar crash from all the sweet snacks he ate. I said goodbye to everyone I met there because it was my last night then went to eat at Chili's. I had never been there so Jordan was determined to take me there as he had pomised, he's so sweet. That's just one of the things I love about him, he always does what he says he's going to do.

The train station is about two hours away from Jordan's house so just he and I spent the night at his grandma's house about twenty mins away. On the drive over there he had to pull over on the side of the road because I was crying from the thought of having to leave the next morning. He cried with me, we cried so much and we held each other tight. I don't remember the last time I cried the way I did that night, I felt dead afterwards, it was like I cried out almost all my tears.

The next morning I was as strong as I could be and I held back my tears that I desparately wanted to cry on the drive to the train station and as we waited for my train. He walked with me to the train and he gave me one last hug and kiss than walked away. I think he trying not to let me see him cry but I saw the tears in his eyes and I'm sure he saw the ones in mine. I cried to myself for a little while on the train as I looked out the window, eventually I took a nap. It was kind of sad, I woke up and I looked around in search of Jordan before I realized where I was.

Don't worry everyone, I've been feeling great lately, I'll admit it was hard at first but I really have been feeling great and it's all because of Jordan. I will go back again in April but not for as long. :( Any time with him is better than none at all. :) I can't wait until I get to hold him, kiss him and look into those bright blue eyes again.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JORDAN! FY394. -FY392 :)