Hey There D

I’ve been listening to the song “Hey There D” and it makes me both happy and sad when I hear it. Jordan, whenever I hear it I think of us. It’s a really sweet song that this guy is singing to D, they live far away and he’s telling her that one day they’ll be together and they’ll have it all along with other things that could really make a girls’ heart melt. I love guys that can sing with a modest sounding voice and this guy really has it down, it only makes me fall for what he’s saying, which brings me to my point…

Jordan talks to me about our future all the time and I think of it like it’s a true possibility.

There are too many emotions to describe how I feel about you, there’s just no way to explain my feelings for you. I love you so much that it hurts me just thinking of all that we’re missing out on. I wish you were here so I could hold you and be held by you as well. This really isn’t fair, why did we have to fall so deeply in love as we did and be doomed to suffer so? All we have are memories of an almost perfect love, but now, they are just reminders that play a part in my daily torment every time I think of them. I never felt love like ours, not even with ”R”, no one from my past could even compare, there’s just no way at all.

Clear

Build season has now come to its end this allow Jordan and I talk at our normal times instead of it be a late night,”I can’t talk, I just wanted to tell you I love you and say goodnight.” I thought this might fix our problem but the truth is it only made things clear, things are different.

Hurting me

I can't stop thinking about what you said, it's going to always be in the back of my mind.
Why does this bother me so? The reason isn't explainable but it's pretty much obvious.
I'm not the average girlfriend, I want to know what's going with you which is why I didn't mind hearing about the letter in the first place.
But I just could have never prepared myself for you planning on leaving me.
Weather you deside to or not that fact of it is going to be that actually thought of it and had the nerve to tell me as you thought it.
I know your sort of new to this whole thing but come and use it.
I really love you, but you still just don't get it!
You really don't know when you're hurting me.
I know you didn't mean to do it intentionally but the fact still remains that you hurt me one way or another.

Realization

After thinking about everything that has happened lately, all the memories of “R”, I thought I was angry at him but I’m not. I have come to really appreciate “R” and the “haunting” that he was doing to me. I now realize what this whole thing was all about, I kept thinking about it and I figured out that “R” lied to me. He said that he loved me, and I believe that he did I still believe that, but after we broke up he said that he still loved me and that he didn’t want anyone else but me, he said couldn’t, he didn’t even want to try. Now that I have been “haunted” for a good while, I figured out what was really going on with him, he wanted to have someone to love he just thought it had to be me which turns out not to be true. The thing now is that it has made me think about my relationship with Jordan.
Jordan recently received a “love letter” from his “secrete admirer” at school which I wrote about in a previous blog. The thing about it, I did not mind, I thought that it was funny actually. That was until after we got off the phone when I had the chance to think about what he said. I wasn’t upset about Jordan getting the letter or what it said, the thing that really bothered me was how he reacted to it. He was trying to figure out who sent it, really thinking hard, I guess I kind of encouraged it when I brought up one girl that he told me about before. He agreed with me that it probably was that girl, then he started questioning it. “Well what if it is that girl? Remember I told you I use to have a crush on her? She’s here. What if I would leave you for her? No, I can’t leave you for her, even if she’s here, I love you Sarah. I want to be happy but I want to be happy with you.” As we were talking I kept thinking , aww…he really loves me, he has a chance to have someone there with him, instead he wants me. However, like I said I thought about it after we got off the phone, I wanted to talk to him about it the next day but I didn’t have enough time to talk to him about it so I told him that the next day we needed to talk about something which was yesterday.
Yesterday to my surprise, Jordan remembered that we had something to talk about and he was willing to hear it. I must admit I thought he was going to try to avoid the whole conversation as he use to but he really has been keeping up with his promise he made me back in November. Well any ways, he reminded me about wanting to talk, he first asked if it was bad and I told him kind of. With that note he said he had to put up some clothes first so that I could have his full attention.
I told him how it really bothered me how he was acting and that he was actually considering leaving me for someone that wrote him a letter. He remained casual saying he had a feeling it had to do with that. DUH!!!! What else could it possibly be?! It’s only common sense, I’m not a jealous person at all, people are surprised with how much of a relaxed and trusting girlfriend I am. Sometimes I surprise myself. So now what am I suppose to do? How can I trust you if you don’t even trust yourself?
Well you told me that you were thinking about it earlier this morning and you realized that you didn’t care about the letter or whoever wrote it, you wanted to stay with me. You decided that you wanted to stay with me no matter who the letter was from. The way you talked about it you made it seem like I should have been thrilled with what you said and just take your word for it. You actually had the nerve to ask me if I was still upset with you, once again, DUH!!! I’m not going to just magically forgive you because of what you said. You honestly don’t get the whole picture, do you? You think that by telling me in a casual way I’m going to just forgive and forget. For now I forgive you, for now; but I’m not sure if I will ever forget what you said, how could I
If only I could forget as easily as you. Well I can’t, not this so if I seem different you’ll know why. In the famous words of Sumo, “I don’t know how you’re going to dig your way out of this one.”
I have come to figure out what the “haunting” was really about. what if the whole “haunting” is just some kind of a warning to me that something isn’t right here and I should really think closely about my relationship with Jordan, is it all Really worth it?
In a way, the “haunting” isn’t just “R” coming back to torment me, maybe he is the only way I could actually figure out what’s been going on. As these “haunting came about I kept remembering things about my relationship with “R” and then I realize, wait a minuet, Jordan and I are going through similar things at the moment. Do I really want history to repeat itself?

Letter from a secrete admiror

Jordan, you received a letter today. Not just any letter, it was a letter from a secrete admirer.
When you told me about it we both thought it was strange and funny.
You read it to me word for word and I had no problem with it.
Together we tried to figure out who was this secrete admirer?
We laughed and joked about the possibilities.
Then I made a suggestion which agreed with.
You started to think about it and then kind of considered it.
I thought you should talk to her to find out for sure.
Questions started to come up, “what if it is her and she would try to kiss me or something?”
“What if I kissed her back, you questioned your faith in yourself.”
“What if I would leave you for her? After all I use to have a crush on her, remember? Plus she’s here and you’re not.
I want to be happy but I want to be happy with you.”
While we talked I thought positively, aww…he loves me enough to stay with me instead of going with the other girl.
After we got off the phone I started to think about things.
If you love me so much, why would you even think twice about staying with me or leaving me for someone else?
I didn’t care about the letter, I laughed it off, but your reaction bothered me.
How dare you! I myself have had other offers which I told you about and not once did I think of leaving you!
I honestly don’t know what the heck you were thinking when you started thinking those questions out loud!
With each thing you kept saying, I pretended as if I care not, but I didn’t want to come across as one of those crazy jealous girlfriends.
The truth of the matter is, I really wished you were telling me all this in person so that I could slap you!
I really wished I could slap you!
Here I am, so far away from you, staying faithful and devoted to you (even though I’ve been advised not to) taking a chance with our love from the start, rejecting those that were interested, simply to have you not show the same loyalty to me in return!
How dare you!!!
I spent seven months trying to get over “R” with you there basically reserving yourself the role as my boyfriend.
I really didn’t have time to grow, to reflect on what went wrong, or even take the time to give someone else the time to get to know me and vice versa.
No, instead I excepted the feelings we had for each other and waited to just miraculously heal from an almost four year relationship, in a way it was like I was never alone, you were there waiting for me to heal and give myself time to get over it while you were there as I said, reserving your spot as my future boyfriend!
I can’t believe that! I can’t believe you!
Now that I think of it more, I thought you were there for me, to help me heal, instead you were there shoving the idea in my head why I needed to get over the whole ordeal.
Now, I see what you were trying to do, you wanted me for yourself, so you helped yourself!
And me, little ol’ me, I was so stupid to let you.
I thought that you backing off, not constantly asking about my feelings you were being a good friend, nope!
You wanted me to think that way.
You won!
I lost!
And now, what’s your prize?
This…
I see how things are, I now see how it is with you,
You didn’t want to be with me just because we were in love,
You wanted me because you never felt love,
You used me!
You took advantage of my feelings and now, this “Secrete admirer” came in the picture and you thought of leaving me for her because she’s there and I’m not!
Wake up and see what’s really going on here!
You said you love me and you would never want to hurt me.
HELLO! Does that sound familiar to you?
You are making me repeat history in a way, “R” said he loved me and he never wanted to hurt me, and he did, granted it was in a completely different way,
What he did seems like nothing now, but you considering leaving for another girl…
You are almost as bad 6, he didn’t leave, he wanted us both,
But you want to leave me, what does that tell me about how much you really care?
If you want to leave me for someone that’s been there all that time and said nothing about it until you were finally happy with a girlfriend, what does that tell you about her?
You have the right to happiness, as do I.
Now I really have a lot to think about in what to do next…
You hurt with your words before,
But this, this really hit me bad…
I’m not sure how I could get over this.
Just you thinking about it…
Made me see the way you really think about our relationship.
Enjoy your letter from your secrete admirer, soon that may be the only love you’ll know.

Haunting

Today I got to be lazy and just lay around after leaving Marie at school. I have a huge problem though, I have become haunted by the memory of “R.” It just hit me all of a sudden, I’m not quite sure what is wrong with me. Everywhere I go I see things that remind me of old times with “R” and it makes me sad, not because I miss him, that’s the thing, I don’t know why I’m thinking the way I am. I just want to be friends with him but it seems like that is not really possible, and that makes me sad. Every relationship I had in the past I always said I wanted to stay friends after we would break upI don’t want “R” like that anymore so I have no idea why I’m have these constant reminders.
************************************************************************
Lately I’ve been seeing constant reminders of you. You are haunting me.
It seems as if I will never be able to escape your memory.
I was fine and free for a while but now all of a sudden, you’re back and it’s driving me crazy.
I can’t get you out of my mind although time and time I try.
Why? Why most you haunt my everyday. Why most I think of you in every way?
As if the day time isn’t enough now you’re haunting my dreams turned into nightmares with your presence.
How can I awake from this nightmare I dream and live?
You were once the love of my life but you changed so I had to let go.
I had to let you go, and I did but you wouldn’t let me go.
You said you couldn’t
Now it’s been a long while almost a year and we both have moved on.
We both have found a new love, a new life so why now?
Why have you come back to haunt me now.

Letter to our Lord, God

I’m afraid. Lord, I know you are with me and my family, I know this because no matter how bad the situation I can always turn to you. You are the one that will never leave me though I have been through a lot I know this, and I choose to keep my faith in you. With everything going on in my life, faith is all I have left when even my own family has turned away from me, you are there to guide me through these hard times. It feels like we have hit rock bottom and if so, there’s own one way to go, up. I believe if I keep my faith and never give up, I will rise again just like the story of Job. You never left him; you were only testing his faith in you, now maybe you’re testing my faith in you as well.

It seems as if I have only sacrificed one happiness for another. I should be happier now but I’m not going to lie and say I am when I really am not. I know that there are a lot of people in world out there that have it worst off then me so I shouldn’t be complaining now should I? With all that I have been through, and all that is to come, Lord, I know that one set of footprints is not you abandoning me; no, I know that they are yours’ and that I am in the safety your arms as you carry me through these difficult times.

Lately I have been finding myself worrying through out the day and crying in the privacy of my own room. Who would ever guess that I, always so cheerful and full of laughter am really hurting deep down inside? In my own silence I find myself. It is then that I truly find the time to think about my life and it’s worth. I regrettably find myself thinking; wouldn’t it be so much easier on everyone if I were gone? Would anyone even notice or really care?

It seems that death is all around me. I heard from a friend of mine today that someone of which was in my high school robotics team, died, he was in a car accident. I could only think of two things when hearing this, why was he so lucky to be away from this horrible world? When will it be my time to join my Holy Father? I feel so bad for even thinking these awful thoughts but I must tell the truth. I often think of my old suicidal thoughts, and I wonder, what is my purpose?

There is a reason for every living creature to be on this earth and when they are done serving their purpose, then and only then will they finally be able to rest and meet our creator. Such a strange thing to envy, death. When most people are afraid of it, I can only wonder when it will be my time.