It's Over and it hurts.

I’ve been going through a lot lately, I’m going to be honest about what happened. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately with memories haunting me from my past that I just hadn’t let go. I told Jordan everything, he knew my deepest darkest secrets, I trusted him with my life. It hurts me so much that I put too much pressure on him for so long, I pushed him away with all my problems. I wasn’t being myself, so as a result, he eventually told me he fell out of love with me, he said that he didn’t love me the way he use to, he only loved me as a friend. It hurt so much, because my love for him was so strong., I was still happy in love with him.

For a while now, I’ve been driving myself crazy in a very bad way remember my past, it was uncontrollable for me. I began having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, at first I wanted them to stop, I didn’t know why I was having those thoughts, I still can’t believe I let it get so far. Jordan was there trying to help me through it, he made me promise him I would call anytime I got those thoughts, I don’t know what happened, we hadn’t been talking for a while and then I was going through this and their he was; I don’t know what was going on in my head, the thoughts just kept becoming more and more frequently. I think in my mind I was liking the attention I had from Jordan once again, I am so ashamed that I didn’t realize this sooner. Through this process, I scared him and pushed him away. I lost my boyfriend, and I begged him to take me back, he said that it wasn’t my fault, he just fell out of love, but I wasn’t being me, how could he love what I was becoming? He broke up with me, and I told him I was going to kill myself, because I only allowed myself to live this long, for him, I lived for him. He said he would stay with me for a while, until I was better, I asked him to just try and he could love me again once he got to know the me that was gone, the me he fell in love with in the first place.

The next day, he was calling non stop, and I couldn’t answer, I was busy, but I didn’t even text him to let him know. He then text me to call, that it was an emergency, so I got away from what I was doing and I went to my room and called him. He was so upset with me, he thought I did something to myself. I told me that despite what he said before, he couldn’t do it, he talk to his friend and his mom for advice and they both told him he needed to get out. I cried and begged him not to, but he said that he made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it anymore, I begged him so much and still he would change his mind, he was not my Jordan at that moment, his voice was completely different than I had ever heard before. He told said he would still be my friend but he couldn’t be with me anymore, that hurt so bad, it still does, I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. He said he would call me later, I panicked and I called my friend Lucy, I couldn’t stop crying, and I told her everything. I told her what I thought he was doing, that he just needed to give me one more chance, I was in so much pain. I made the final mistake, I asked her to talk to him for me, that I was afraid he wouldn’t answer the phone or want to hear my voice anymore.

She agreed that she would talk to him, I was just crying and crying after I got off the phone with her, it only got worst, I was really hurt. After a while, Jordan called me, I answered it, he knew I was crying and asked me what was wrong, I told him,” What do you think Jordan? It hurts, a lot.” He told me he had just got off the phone with Lucy, I apologized and told him I just really needed to talk about it. He was angry with me, then the non- Jordan voice came out again, he told me, “Sarah listen to me, it’s over, we are not going to get back together, I am not going to just fall back love with you.” I started begging and crying, I had given him several chances before, he screwed up so much and I always gave him another chance, I had even gone through a point where I fell out of love with him, I thought I needed someone else, I didn’t even know who, I just thought I wanted someone new, I fell out of love with him for a while but I never told him, I kept talking to him, and when I went to see him in the summer, I fell back in love with him the moment I saw him, I remembered, I loved him.

I had told him about this the first night he tried to break up with me, we were planning a trip for me to go up and see him again over Christmas and New Years, I told him to wait and just see until then, he agreed then, but not this time. I told him not talking to him would be like he was dead, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. I told him he had to give me a second chance, he told me, ”This was your second chance, you I know you don’t want another guy, but you can’t have me.” when I begged with him to just wait he told me we were done, “Sarah, I am not going to fall back in love with you, I won’t let myself fall back in love with you. I can’t talk to you anymore, not even as friends, I need to move on and so do you, and you won’t be able to if unless we stop talking, I’m sorry, goodbye Sarah.” I said, “ I love you, goodbye” I said, “I love you, goodbye”, and hung up the phone. I cried so hard, I called Lucy and I couldn’t even talk for a while, I was just crying out, letting it all out. I was so upset, she tried to calm me down, but it seemed hopeless. I had worked things out with my mom the day before, that itself was a miracle, I thought I would never be able to talk to her, so I gained my mom and lost my boyfriend the next day; I was crying to Lucy that I wanted my mom, but she wasn’t home, and I didn’t want to call and scare her. My only choice was to wait for her, which really sucked. I had Lucy to cry on, it was so hard, I just wanted my mom, I never felt this close to my mom, but things were different, I felt like I had a true mom there for me, telling me everything was going to be alright. I received a call from my mom and asked Lucy if I could call her back, it turns out my mom was home, but I accidentally locked her out.

She came in with a lot of stuff, which my little sister was helping her with. As soon as she put them down she asked what was wrong, I was still crying, and I told her,” It’s hard mom, it hurt so much.” She hugged me and told me that I was going to be fine, she told me, ”Just let him go, he’s the one that will see the difference, he’ll be the one to regret it later. Just be strong, you can do it, you’re not alone, just don’t let it get you down, you’ll fine someone who will really know how to appreciate you, and who will love you more, the way you deserve to be loved.” At first she sounded kind of mad and cold, but I know she was giving me the kick I needed, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I went up to my room and I called Lucy, she answered right away, I wasn’t crying anymore, I told her that it really helped talking to my mom. She agreed with her, and I kind of perked up, Lucy’s always known about the guys I know, I have a lot of friends that want to date me but I was always blunt about my feelings I had for Jordan, so they always knew there was no chance.

Lucy started talking to me excited, telling me that I could finally go out and have some fun with one of them or meet someone new (not very hard for me to do) it kind of helped me, and I really started to feel better, but then our conversation was cut off, I called Lucy back, then after talking some more, once again it was dropped, she called me back and told me that her phone was dying and that’s why the call kept dropping, I told her I would fine, and we hung up. I texted Jordan for the final time,” I have Lucy and my mom now, u were the push, they kicked my ass into gear. The things u were “trying”, I hope u’ll b ok. It hurts but I’m done crying. J ” He replied,” Good. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Goodbye, Sarah.”