Friday, September 28, 2007

Brain Wipe

I felt kind of bad earlier after I re-read what I posted (Pain...) I don't know why but I have been thinking about it all day long, and it's driving me crazy! I'm not sure what I'm going to do anymore, with anything not just my situation with Jordan. (sigh) Awwwwwwwwwww...What am I going to do..?

I'm tired, I feel like I just got a complete brain wipe. (sigh) I just came from my robotics meeting which started at 1630. We were working on bread circuit boards, my second time working with one (previously I used a different kind-which needed soddering)

I neeeeeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!

I'm going home already so hopeful since it's the weekend I've be able to get some extra sleep (key word- HOPEFULLY) well I guess I'll have to do my philosophy and programming homework before I can even think of sleep. (I'm behind in philosophy journal entries)

Well bye for now...

Pain (Tears of saddness)

originally written 7/23/07

As if things weren't bad enough with us bing so far apart and the age difference, now this?
I just don't know how to react now finding out one of my biggest concerns, religion, doesn't hold the same meaning to you as it does me.
I thought that I would have learned my lession with how much pain was casted upon me when discvering this same thing about "R"
I always told my friends of the pain and how much I wanted to avoid experiencing it once again.
I thought that I would ask about religion right away when I was enterested in someone, but to tell the truth, I thought that my feeling for you could never amount to more than those of a friend.
When I began to like you, I still thought that there was no use in asking you.
As my feelings developed into stronger feelings, I eventually fell in love with you.
I guess that's when I was just afraid to ask and I was still douting the amount of love.
I never could have imagined that our love would be so strong as it is now.
Now here am I with all these thoughts unning through my head, pain int my heart, and countless tears of saddness falling from my eyes.
And now I don't know what to do...

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Someday

originally written 6/18/07

Sometimes I can’t believe just how alike we really are.
When I think about it long enough, it’s kind of scary.
Why do we have to be so alike and in love,
and live so faraway from each other?
I wish we could be together but for now that seems impossible.
“Someday we’ll be together,”
that’s what you always say to me when I question our future.
I wish there would be a way to know for sure,
what is to come and what lies ahead.
I don’t know what’s in store for us,
and I’m sure neither do you.
What are we going to do?
I suppose we must not give up hope,
and in time we’ll see…
I really want to believe someday we’ll be together.
For now that will have to do, I guess...
Awww… I love you so much and I don’t want to wait much longer.
But I really must be patient and just never give up hope.
I wish we were older so we could know what to do.
Will we really wait for each other?
I guess only time will tell if we’re meant to be.
Someday we’ll find out our fate, and if we truly are meant to be.
So for now we’ll wait for that day…someday.

A Piece of my heart

originally written 6/04/07

Throughout my day I find it hard not to think of you
my feeling I have for you, sometimes scare me,
They really do.
I’ve been in love once before,
but the love I have for you feels like so much more.
I want to be with you forever,
but it hurts me that we’re not together.
It makes me sad and want to cry that we’re so far apart.
I want you to know, no matter what,
you’ll always have a piece of my heart.
I love you, I truly do.
I will always love you.

Untitled

I often think of you, here so faraway from you,
I’m not sure, what am I going to do?
Why did we have to meet and fall in Love?
Now just talking to you is not enough,
why oh, why, did we have to be so
Faraway and fall in love?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Moving on...

It's time for me to move on, finishing my post of "R" will finally let me do just that, move on. I have just one problem with this, I can't fully move on because my love is so far away. I have no idea what to do about this, he always says "We'll figure something out", but what and how? I don't know what to do any more I think about him all day long and sometimes it makes me happy but other times I just feel so alone. I still can't move on because Jordan's not here and we can't be together so far away, it seems like we already are together but we're not. :(

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this sucks, what should I do?

Oh how can I tell you?

(Don't know when this was originally written but for sure it was towards the end when I already had it with the way things were going.)

I need to talk to you,
I need to tell you what's on my mind
Oh every time I try, it seems as if you hide.
Oh how can I tell you how I feel
if you don't even answer the phone?
Oh how can I tell you face to face
if we don't see each other anymore?
I have so much to tell you but with little time
Where do I start?
Oh, my feelings of love for you have died.
I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I feel this way,
but my feeling for you have changed.
Oh how can I tell you?
I want to go back to being just friends.
When I do tell you, I hope you understand,
but for now one question remains...
Oh how can I tell you?

(It wasn't easy but I finally did, over the phone-the only way possible. He didn't understand and it seemed like he was angry with me, I think the way things were going, I was intitled to be more mad then him. Oh well... We tried being friends afterwards but it's now been a month or more since we last spoke. The "R" time is now over. Yay time to focus on the present-Jordan! )

Why are you doing this to me?

(once again I'm not sure when I originally wrote this, oh well...)

My love is pure and it's always been true
And now this, I have to say,

Oh why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are you slowly taking my heart and then lsowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

Our love wasn't like andy other,
Oh I don't know why we found each other.
You were always there for me,
When for a friend I was in need.
But now I don't even know what to say to you.
Oh I don't want to break your heart,
but now, oh I think it's now time for us to part.

Oh baby why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are yo slowly taking my heart and then slowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

Monday, September 24, 2007

BRILLIANT!!!

I just realized today by looking in my journal that I am almost through my book to the part of which I began writing about Jordan. Yay! There's only two or three more about "R" and then I get to start talking about the present.

I finally got my laptop back from the shop and I discovered that it was competely wiped clean as they told me that might have to be done. It kind of sucks because I spent at least an hour reinstalling software from my programming class. BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! The only thing I could do while I was waiting for it to finish was catch up on my reading in my programming class.

Another thing that sucks, I have to re-do a 6-8 page paper which was also wiped off my laptop and I'm sooooooooooo brilliant that I did not think to save it to my USB. D'oh! Oh well, you live and learn but you would think that I would have learned since this is not the first time that something like this has happened to me. Once again...BRILLIANT!!!

Change

(I stopped writing dates after a while because I just wanted to express my feelings that I forgot- but there all in order anyways.)

Things always seem different, as nothing is ever the same.
I was never happy and I never knew why.
I couldn't believe how much my life changed after I met you.
I began to feel happiness that I could have never before,
even imagined.
When did things change back to those unhappy feelings?
Why did things have to change?
Why didn't things stay the same, encluding my feelings for you?
I ma never know, but I know one thing for sure,
I hate too much change.

(As you could imagine this was written when I began to realize that my relationshop with "R" was not going to work out.)

Drift Away

(once again I don't know when I originally wrote this)

Sometimes my mind can't help but drift away.
I often think of that day.
I still have so many reminders of you.
I use to wonder what to do.
As one of my friends, you were one of the best.
But ever since you entered your enternal rest,
sometimes I still drift away,
and when I think of that day,
I can only think of good times with you.
I wonder what we'll do,
if you're still one of the best,
will we still be friends when I join you in enternal rest?

-In loving memory of a good friend: M.M.O

Panic Attack

(I don't know the original date because I didn't write it, it wasn't a top priority at the moment)

It's getting really cold, tears in my eyes, I try to hold.
They want to come out.
"Perfect" playing on the radio, now "Unwell".
My heart is raccing, pounding, lights flicker, rain pounding outside followed by thunder,
police sierenes are to be heard, I'm so terrifed at the moment.
I need some help!
Tears begin to form, still in my eyes they remain.
Radio goes off allowing the sounds more in.
Fear runs through my body as tears run from my eyes as I cry.
Radio came back on I can still hear the outside sounds inside.

(This was during a thunder storm. I'm terrified of storms because my family and I got caught in a flood one year. Our car filled up with water while we were still in it, we had to save ourselves but climbing out the drivers side widow, on the roof of the car where my brother was and pulled us up, down the back window and trunk. There were two men that stopped to help, they held a rope which my brother through to them and we pulled our way through the water and then we walked home-lucky a street away which somehow wasn't flooded. See I have a reason to be afraid, very afraid.)

Fixed a Door

originally written 9/07/03

A night out on the town is not the same because you're not around.
After returning I see my ex-bf but I really wish it were you.
It's true and weird, I see him more often than you
I really am truely lucky, most guys would e jealous,
but you trust in me, the way I trust in you.
Today I fixed a door that wouldn't close in more than one way.
Now please don't get mad, ut I sometimes would still wonder,
why didn't he ust want me, was I not enough?
I also wonder what my life would be like if he did choose me,
would I be just as happy? Probably not.
I now, with you am as happy as I could ever be,
and I don't wonder why, but I'm glad you chose me.
I wish you could have know the kind of satifaction I felt today,
knowing that I don't need him as much as he needs me,
so helpless, he can't even figure out how to pre-heat a stove, boil water for a cup of noodles, program a radio or VCR, he can't even figure out how to fix a door
that just won't close, I can, i took it apart and in an hour or less put it back
with it being able to close.
While I was fixing it he returned and tried to see how it was being done,
It was than that another door was fixed,
I no long wonder about life with him.
I can fix things on my own.
I don't need anyone, I could live alone,
but still I'm glad that I have you.

(I don't wish to comment now but maybe later I will)

Life and With you

originally written 9/06/02

I actually feel pain in my heart when we're apart
things that happened in my past, memories still last.
My 2 brothers and my sister left home at an ealy age.
My mom's so afraid that I will too,
that she tries to not let me have a normal life,
as the kid I rfeally am.
I was forced to grow up too soon,
I'm too mature for my age.
Sometimes I'm glad, but other times I wish that,
I could enjoy being and acting likde a kid.
I've never gone to the mall before, or out just with friends.
I've never even been out on a "real" date before.
I always felt left out like I'm not part of the crowd.
I don't even know how to cry out loud.
I try to hide them from my "friends" and "family" and even you,
sometimes but mostly from myself.
No matter what you say, I feel ashamed of myself,
and alone without you here with me.
I believe that when you start off with a good life,
you suffer later on, I've suffered all along,
so maybe life is getting better for me, starting with you.
You always tell me that youu're the lucky one,
but I wonder what I did to deserve a person like you.
You make me feel like the lucky one here.
I always tried to think of myself as lucky but,
I never started believing it until now.
I'm to try until I'm at least eighteen,
to remain in the same house under my mom's roof.
Then I'm moving out with or without you.
But things are better with you,
so I hope that's how it'll stay, you and me only.

(Now looking back on this, I don't think I ever felt like this with "R" as I do for Jordan. Reading what I wrote seems like it applies to Jordan than it ever did for "R". "R" didn't really know what I meant by this and Jordan does. - Isn't this kind of weird how life turns out completely different than what we expect? I would have thought that "R" and I would have been together forever, or at least gotten married, but now he doesn't want to talk to me because I wouldn't get back with him. I'm not even sure if we would make good friends the way that he's changed over the years.)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Until I Met You.

originally written 8/31/03

Things I never did before,I still can't believe, I'm trying then now
I was afraid to, or I would often quit,
I gave up on the world because I thought the world had given up on me.
It was hard for me to trust because all promises people would not ever keep.
It was hard for me , at night I would often cry myself to sleep.
I always felt weak, no matter what I would do, it always felt the same.
That's of course, until I met you.
Ever since, I gave the would a 2nd chance, just as it has me.
I'm beginning to trust easily starting with you.
At night I sleep so peacefully.
Now I cry only tears of joy.
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
And no matter what I do, I'm happy because I'm with you.

(Well now looking back I think whoever I end up with owes "R" a huge thanks, because I was I project when we met and he improved me for the long run. -Thanks "R"!)

Tears

originally written 8/10/03

It use tyo be that when tears formed in my eyes wanting to cry, the tears were those of saddness.
I don't quite know why when a song plays on the radio it reminds me of you and the happy times we've spent on the phone.
I have to stop and smile whenever I think of you.
Even when I am, I don't feel so alone,
It's true, when I'm alone in my room, I'm not, because you're always in my thoughts and deep in my heart, but still I can't figure out...
When my tears of joy, love, and happiness made my tears of saddness fade away.
In my everyday life, in every possible way,
I love you and I hope you remember that and never forget.

(as you culd imagine once again I have both tears of saddness and joy= love sucks! )

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Blood Drive

Today I posted a few poems from memory lane and reflected on them but it was kind of getting depressing so I will now write about the present.

I'm here at school (college, oooo, how nerdy am I?) and to my surprise I walk into the UC and there's a blood drive going on, beds, blood draining machines, the whole works. ( I should probably mention that I had a blood test last year in which only a small amount was taken... long story short I would not be able to donate blood, my blood is perfectly heathy but I just got dizzy for a good while-not fun, never again-hopefully. )

I can't even watch it being done to someone else (which is weird because one of my favorite shows, "House" shows a lot of blood) As you could imagine I found myself a seat to which the blood drive is out of site :D (I guess now may be a time when I can honestly say I love the snack machine.)

Well I should be going now (I have homework which is due 2morr @ 09:20, barely started on two of the five question. Oh yah...I actually have to fininsh by today to be able to send it through the digital drop box, I have no internet at home and I am not going to come to school that early-I made a point to have my earliest class alittle after 1000.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay, that's all for now.

Love

originally written 8/3/03

So sweet and very smart, that's what you are,
I don't know what exactly it is,
A kiss is just a kiss, so people say...
Maybe so but it means much more.
Every time we kiss, it's easy to say,
I'm falling deeperr in love, in a new way.
Will our love last long? I just may.
I'll love you forever and always.

(sigh... oh well it was a good run while it lasted and I do still love him but as nothing more than a friend)

So Happy In Love

originally written 8/3/03

The time we've spent together, I'll never forget
Things we say and do, runs through my head
People thought we wouldn't last more than two weeks
Now look, aren't they surprised,
We're still in each others lives
I'm so happy when I take a look in your eyes
I love when you hold me in your arms
I feel the love deep in my heart
Nothing or no one can take us apart.

(if you haven't noticed the pattern yet the "R" stands for a name, my ex-boyfriends name to be exact. The only one that took us apart was him, he changed so much from when we first met some good, some bad-more bad as the years went on. That's right I said years ,almost 4. )

Never End

originally written 7/10/03

Whenever I go out, there's never any doubt
I love you with all my heart, even when we're apart
When we talk on the phone, I know I'm not alone
When you speak of problems at home
I wish I could be there to comfort you
Because my feelings are true
I wish out love will never end.

(as every other relationship, our love eventually came to an end)

Left out again :(

(I wrote this last night before I went to sleep.)

I made an attempt to contact my dad today (and that’s not easy for me to do) he answer but he was working as usual (not to my benefit since he lives in another city and my mom is single handedly struggling to keep everything barely together) I asked him if he would please call me after work and he agreed…he never called.

I’m supposed to be part of the IEEE and I have heard nothing from anyone, it’s as if I don’t count. I see other members and the only one’s that would talk to me either:
1.) Don’t recognize me with my new haircut and semi new colorful style.
OR
2.) They just don’t want to even talk to me anymore. (as if that was a lot to begin with)

I was talking to a new friend of mine about IEEE while walking to my class and he said he was thinking of joining. He told me that he got a email that there was a meeting on Friday (I did not receive that email and that’s cause I was on the list the past two semesters.) I’m being left out again and this really sucks! I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not only a “blue person” I’m a “green person” which part of it’s description is that I recharge by being by myself; but I hate being left out of the loop when it comes to something important. :@ I also heard that robotics (which I’ve been waiting for) has started or is going to start and I once again did not get an email!

I was talking to Jordan and I was telling him everything that I have been going through lately. Well I didn’t tell him, but when I mentioned being left out again with the IEEE and robotics (just like in high school) and then my dad, and tears began to roll down my face. I wanted to really cry out but I held it in hiding it from him.

Right now I’m crying, ever since I was on the phone with Jordan, he has no idea how bad things really are, I’m not sure if I really want him to know. He was trying to cheer me up because he knew I was upset by what I was telling him but only tears ran down my face so he was clueless to my crying. :’(

Jordan’s the only one other than Sumo that I can talk to about just about anything, I wanted to tell Jordan but he was in too good of a mood that I thought he didn’t need me pulling him down. He always has problems of his own just like anyone else so why pull him down with my troubles now?

As we were getting off the phone Jordan convinced me to lay down and try to take it easy and I guess at least try to forget everything that’s going on. I wish that I could say it helped but it just made me have to hold back more, as soon as we got off the phone I sunk my head into my pillow and I CRIED, I mean I really let it out. That helped but I’m still crying and I have a feeling that I will cry myself to sleep.

I don’t know how Jordan’s going to react when he sees this blog. (sigh) I’m just going through so much right now as I stated before and I don’t what to do about anything. Everything is just coming at me so fast and I’m afraid that I don’t know how much more I can take before I have a melt down. (Which has happened before in the past and was hard on me for a good time period) I hope and pray that I can get past all this before that happens. :’( I better figure something soon or I’ll be in trouble.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Just you & Me

originally written 6/22/03

Whenever I think of you, a smile spreads across my face.
I know now my heart's in the right place.
With you I'm glad to be.
My feeling are beyond what eyes could see.
My love for you runs really deep.
I will try for you to keep, that loving heart that lyes beneith.
I love the way you are always so sweet.
I've been hurt before, I hope with you no more.
I've never felt this way before.
With each day I'm loving you more.
When I'm with you everyone else is out.
There's no doubt, their opinions matter not to me.
Together forever, I hope us to be.
Together forever, just you and me.

My Thoughts

I can't help but feel sad when I think of the situtation Jordan and I are going through. We are almost perfect for each other in almost every way yet we just can't be together.(at least not now) I'm not really sure what to do anymore, I really love him but I'm afraid of the future (or lack there of) I want to be with him, and I want us to be happy with each other but now it's seems that instead of happiness we only continue to cause each other heartache. I know that this is real because if it wouldn't be then we wouldn't have spent all those nights crying over simular conversations. I feel like screaming!!! I wish that we could do something, but what? I have no idea what other people might think of this but it's driving me CRAZY!!!

I'm not sure when I'll get to post the rest of my poems but I will post one of my poems right after this journal, hopefully it will be soon.

Monday, September 17, 2007

First blog

This is my first blog so i want to post my most recent writing before I dive into my past so here it is...

Written: 9/13/07

What if things don’t work out the way we want them to? I love you so much. I never had this strong of a connection with anyone other then you. I don’t know why things have to be so difficult. I just wish we could be together. I want us to be together but I’m afraid that, that may never happen.
Why do we have to be so far away from each other and feel the way we do? At night and any chance I get during the day I just lay in bed and hold my pillow tight thinking of you. At night I often cry myself to sleep because I miss you so much and I really want to see you. I want to hold you instead of my pillow.
It hurts so bad to think of but what if everyone’s right and we should try to find other people? I know it’s possible but I just don’t want to! I feel bad for even considering it. If they only knew how we felt they wouldn’t even suggest it.
I really hate feeling like this… I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know if there ever will be an “us”. I could imagine it as if were already true but then it only saddens me to know that my minds just playing tricks on me.
We are just so alike that it worries me I may never be able to find that closeness with anyone else (at least not the way it is with you.) I feel so alone at times and other times I feel like your right here with me. Sometimes I can actually hear your voice, feel your touch, I mean I really feel you.
Sometimes I wake up a little bit later and I can feel you gone as if you were there all along and when I look at the time I realize that you would be gone. How can I feel this when we’re not even in the same state? How can I feel you when you were never here to begin with? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I wish someone could explain it to me because I may never know otherwise.
I should really go to bed now, I can hear you crying as well and you’re calling me so we can just hold each other, cry together, and fall asleep together. Goodnight Jordan. I’m coming to bed.