Life and With you

originally written 9/06/02

I actually feel pain in my heart when we're apart
things that happened in my past, memories still last.
My 2 brothers and my sister left home at an ealy age.
My mom's so afraid that I will too,
that she tries to not let me have a normal life,
as the kid I rfeally am.
I was forced to grow up too soon,
I'm too mature for my age.
Sometimes I'm glad, but other times I wish that,
I could enjoy being and acting likde a kid.
I've never gone to the mall before, or out just with friends.
I've never even been out on a "real" date before.
I always felt left out like I'm not part of the crowd.
I don't even know how to cry out loud.
I try to hide them from my "friends" and "family" and even you,
sometimes but mostly from myself.
No matter what you say, I feel ashamed of myself,
and alone without you here with me.
I believe that when you start off with a good life,
you suffer later on, I've suffered all along,
so maybe life is getting better for me, starting with you.
You always tell me that youu're the lucky one,
but I wonder what I did to deserve a person like you.
You make me feel like the lucky one here.
I always tried to think of myself as lucky but,
I never started believing it until now.
I'm to try until I'm at least eighteen,
to remain in the same house under my mom's roof.
Then I'm moving out with or without you.
But things are better with you,
so I hope that's how it'll stay, you and me only.

(Now looking back on this, I don't think I ever felt like this with "R" as I do for Jordan. Reading what I wrote seems like it applies to Jordan than it ever did for "R". "R" didn't really know what I meant by this and Jordan does. - Isn't this kind of weird how life turns out completely different than what we expect? I would have thought that "R" and I would have been together forever, or at least gotten married, but now he doesn't want to talk to me because I wouldn't get back with him. I'm not even sure if we would make good friends the way that he's changed over the years.)