Last Blog for a while :(

To all of my readers, sadly this today is my final blog for a while. I just want everyone to know that I should be fine, but I will be limited to only cell phone internet. So if any of you really must contact me for some reason, you can email me to my yahoo email ONLY: KO_Engineer_SNR@yahoo.com I can’t get Google on my phone, I’ll check it everyday just to make sure.

Okay, this being my last blog in a while, I must explain why I hadn’t been posting lately. As always it had to do with school and sickness, I’ve been focusing on finals while fighting sickness and it was driving me crazy!!! Finally I can focus on resting a bit. My plans for the holiday break?

Rest =)
Clean L
Spend time with my family =)
Do lots of reading -don’t want me going brain dead over the break now do we? ;)
Open Christmas presents :)
Give Christmas =)
Stress over going back to school L

Jordan’s B-Day is this Saturday the 15th so in advance, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, honey! I love you! FY! 392!

Don’t worry everyone, I won’t change, I hardly ever do, just one thing that makes me so adorable. ;) tehehe =D j/k but seriously I should be the same when I return. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! & A Happy New Year! Take care and be safe! I will return in January, try not to cry too much for me, ;) this is not bye forever its only bye for now! =D

I'll be around for about an hour if anyone wants to post something for me to see, nows your last chance in a while...

Quick blog

Yes I'm aware that I haven't posted my side of the story. Don't worry Julie, everyone, I will, eventually...probably/most likely tomorow. So hang in there just one more day I have a lot to say.

Long Day

I really want to start this blog off by saying thanks Julie, you're comments always hit right at home. I know some, but not all, who knows...those some could be all. It makes me feel glad and sad at the same time knowing how much my blog means to you, I almost feel souly responsible for your sudden out burst but maybe you too have something deep down waiting to come out, who knows it maybe the same as me. (I hope not, no one should ever have to go through what I've suffered through- but still I count my blessing for what I do have and that I'm still here because some people can't say the same.) I just really can't explain everything and I think that's one of my big problems, I need to.
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Yesterday I went looking for Jose at the two usual places, when I discovered him not to be there I went to sit outside I figured the fresh air would do me some good.

I've been feeling really bad lately and I missed 2 classes because of my illness. Happiness is a good cure, it made me so happy to discover those who really are my friend instead just talking to me during class and ignoring me outside of class (which sadly has happened many times) I ran into my friend Al yesterday and he nicely said sarcastically, "Guess who didn't come to class?" Well dumb me, you could tell I was really out of it when, me, usually the one that picks up on sarcasm and frequently gives it, responded, "Who?" He just looked at me with a smile on his face and that look that says come on I'm being sarcastic. I finally snapped to it and briefly explained how I've been feeling sick. We said our goodbyes, departed.

Then as I was walking to library to hide out from see anyone else from class, I could see another friend, UG in the short distance. I thought of walking slower so that we wouldn't cross but I was spotted, I smiled to myself as he stopped and waited for me with a smile on his face as usual. Once again I had to explain about being sick. It was ok and nice that he cared as well.

Oh yah, why was I walking around for no apparent reason? As my nephew would say: Dodo Me, I forgot my cell, actually it feel out of my pocket. I tried calling my mom from a pay phone but it was not working (great just my luck) I told her an estimated time I would be out so I went outside where she usually gets me from, from 2:30- 3:15pm. Don't worry, I wasn't looking all dumb waiting there by myself the entire time, my friend Peru (not actual name) came along and we had a nice talk. I was reading Jose's Blog when he came and he showed me his. I showed him my blog (which I rarely do) He was waiting for someone and they came for him just as he asked me to go back to Jose's blog and he had to leave.

It was then that I tried my luck again with the pay (still no luck) but one girl that was walking by told me that I could use the phone at the front desk where I was, DUH!!! I never even thought of that, finally I contacted my mom and head back to my waiting spot this time for only about 15mins.

As I was walking towards our van, I heard my name being called. When I turned around it was my philosophy professor Dr. Mustain she asked me if I knew where Jose could be apparently he was just in her office and forgot his laptop of all things (lol!) I told her his normal places, she thanked me and I went off. Homeward bound at last!

Overload of Heartache

First of all I must warn all my readers, this is going to be an extremely long blog.

I’m soooooo upset. I’ve been upset a lot lately so I’m going to say everything and not hold anything back. Okay here goes…

It's Christmas time, it should be the happiest time of the year, but not for me... at least not anymore... Does anyone remember the post "Drift Away," it probably seemed like a simple little poem to those of you that read it or will be curious to go back to it; but it means so much more to me than that.

You see..."Drift Away" was written for one of my best friends at the time, Michelle (I know, weird that two of the blogs I read are from girls named Michelle) I hardly mention her anymore because it still hurts to think about it, Michelle passed away when we were in high school. If you haven't guessed it already, it was around Christmas time. I use to love Christmas so much and I still do to a certain point, every year I would turn on my radio to "soft rock 101.9" (now Q101.9) starting the day after Thanksgiving they would play nothing but Christmas songs, I loved it.

It was my favorite time of the year up until Michelle's passing, what would really get to me was when I would here certain songs especially "Come Home For Christmas," all I could think about while the song was playing was, how is her family doing with knowing that she couldn't come home. How were they? I had to fight back tears just thinking about her, imagine living with constant reminders of her (which I did because we were so close she would give me many little things which were scattered all over my room in plan sight) but her family had to live with non-stop reminders. I don't know how they could have ever survived without her. :(

Michelle was the first person to get me into hugging everyone at school, I thought it was weird at first but it felt really good. I didn't get a lot of hugs from my family so it was a new thing that I soon became addicted to it just suddenly came naturally to me; so much that Michelle and I would constantly get in trouble at school because we weren't suppose to be touching anyone even if it was in a friendly manor. As you could imagine we ignored the warnings and would hug all the time, every time we would see each other and I'm happy that we did because I will always have those memories.(And no one can ever take them away) =)

I always get sad and lonely around the Christmas, I just can't help it, I don't purposely think of her to make me sad she's just in the back of my mind and I guess she always will be.
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I’ve been thinking about “R” a lot lately and as usual I’m really worried about him. I called him on Thanksgiving to talk to him and see how he’s doing it was after 11:00PM. It took a while ringing so I figured he wasn’t going to answer when finally he did. He sound like he was tired and kind of frustrated, I reluctantly asked him if he was busy and he reply,” Yah, kind of.” I pretended like it didn't bother me and I told him I just wanted to see what he was doing and to say Happy Thanksgiving even if it was late. Then we said our goodbyes and I felt sad when we hung up.

I told Jordan about this and he said just what I feared, I’m guessing everyone can figure out what I’m getting at. What Jordan doesn’t know is that this really, really hurt my feelings to think of this. :’( I’m crying right now as I type this. All I can think is if he could do that with someone he barely knows and barely got with after everything we went through, does he really care? :’( Care about respecting himself, his new girlfriend, and me? :’(

I can’t fight back the tears any more; this really hurts me to think of that. :’( We had almost 4 years of an innocent relationship (sure we had our little crazy moments but nothing as extreme as what I’m thinking he’s doing now, not even close.) I really want to talk to him but I don’t know when that would be possible (I have a feeling I’ll just break down and cry badly making myself look like a fool or what if he just wouldn’t want to.) :’(

When I was thinking of breaking up with him the thought ran through my mind, could we really stay friends? I really wanted to but he didn’t, after we broke up he was depressed around me and he told me that it hurt being around me or even talking to me. :’( That really hurts me most of all, does that mean that he didn’t care about our friendship within the relationship? Did he just pretend to care about our conversations while we were together just so we could stay together?

Dam it “R!” You probably will never read this but you have no idea how much you hurt me! :’( When we broke up you would still come around granted you were all depressed but was it all just a show? :’( Yah, I was kind of relieved when we broke up and I felt happy that I didn’t have to hide how I felt, but that’s the problem, I still did. Up until this point I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I was over everything, but now I must come clean. Yah, I felt better when we broke up but I was hurting deep down because the way that our relationship took a turn in the wrong direction. :’( Dam you! Why can’t you understand that you weren’t the only that was hurt here! :’( You weren’t the only one that lost something you cared about! I lost you! :’( I loved you! The way we were together and the way we talked about things of the future, I really thought that someday I would marry you! :’( I tried so hard to make things work between us and you just didn’t see that. Throughout everything people would try telling to leave you for different reasons and I would just ignore them because I wanted to work things out with you! :’(

After we broke up and we watched our video that day that we both broke down crying in my room; we decided to start over and that’s when we went on those dates to see if there was still something there. The first date I felt the difference that was in you, you had already gone back to drinking and you just weren’t the same but still I went on another because I thought maybe, just maybe we could work things out and get back together dispite the heartache and confusion I was going through towards the end. It wasn’t until the third date (that you kind of snuck up me on after church), that was the day that I really realized that I lost you for good; you weren’t the same at all. :’( You told me straight out that if I wanted to get back together that I had to take you as you were, that you weren’t going to change anymore (this included all the drinking among other things-not drugs, or at least not that I know of) and I knew that I didn’t want anyone that would drink before so why was I going to jeopardize my wants and needs so I could watch you destroy yourself!? :’( I realized I had to let you go. :’( You told me ever since we broke up that you still loved me and wanted to get back together then why didn’t you act like it? You said that you thought that we were just going to be separated for a little while and then get back together then why did you act so different. If you really wanted me still, why did you do everything that you knew wouldn’t get us back together!? Why did you push me away? :’(

Now here I am, left out again, sad, depressed and alone with no shoulder to cry on and no one to hold me as I so badly need. My poor niece and nephew take way too many hugs from me and I know that sometimes I hold them too tight or too long that they start to scwarm out of my embrace. Back in high school, all my friends would hug me on a daily bases every time we would see each other and I think even that wasn’t enough. I'm so hug deprived. :(

I seriously need some therapy for so many things, too many things, I wish that I could just sit down with someone for one whole day and just talk about everything. Just to let everything go would be so nice. -(small smile of wishful thinking) I think that if it wouldn’t be for my belief in God, I wouldn’t be here today; I would have been long gone. I know that God has some purpose for me and I just can’t give up on that, that’s my only hope. Even my family is too distant from me, they never were really there(they were there physcally but not in the sense that I needed them). Right now I teach the children’s class at my church and I always think of the children, I can’t leave them they need me and somewhere out there someone else needs me too and when I think of this; I don’t just think there’s a God, I know. :' )

Short Blog

Can't really post today but I will write something tonight and post it tomorow trust me there's a lot going on right now it'll be worth it. ;) (Julie you'll probably really enjoy this)
Jordan, it'll explain a lot about the way I've been lately. I love you! 394!

Just A Dream..?

Ever since Jordan and I met up again back in October during Fall break, I sometimes have to stop and think about it… could it all have been just a dream? I often get that strange feeling, everything was so great and almost perfect; could it have been too good to be true or could it have all been just a dream? Where do we cross the line between knowing and thinking? Could Jordan being here for those three wonderful days, had just been my hopes so strong of it coming true that I no long understand the difference between reality and fantasy? If in fact that is what it is, could this be realities pay back for tricking Doh and not telling him about Jordan being here? [Oh yah, I forgot to mention that Doh (although denies everything) is not very fund of Jordan so for Jordan’s safety and happiness we decided not to tell him that he was here.]

I know that this may seem weird, maybe even for me but I just can’t stop these thoughts from entering my head and it seems like most recently these thoughts have been tormenting my life. [Not so much the part about Doh] I mean seriously can anyone tell me how and when we ACTUALLY know the difference?

This scares me, what if in fact it was just a dream, what if THIS is just a dream as well and I’m really some nut job wear all white sitting in a padded room somewhere? Even if I’m not, all these thoughts may soon get me a one way ticket there. (lol) Straight to the loony bin for me! HA! HA! HA!

I’m not feeling well today, my stomach is really bothering me and I feel drained out. I just want to go to sleep right now but I know that will be impossible for now. Maybe later I'll get some sleep, MAYBE... :(

I'm BAAAAAAAAAACK...! :D

I see that I haven't gotten any new comments, sorry everyone, don't be upset...I have 4 drafts that I just haven't gotten around to posting. I also noticed that I've only received feeds from two, where are you (you know I'm talking to you) Well I have word that Jose will be posting soon so if anyone is interested in controversy..? This is kind of short but I'll be back with the scoop tomorrow on what's been going on in my life and what I did over the Thanksgiving holiday. [hint: I went to Sumo's house] (nothing happened except two friends catching up and hanging out... to be continued...

Jordan, thank you for finally posting I know we talk everyday but I really want read what's going on since we don't always talk about everything. FY, 394 =)

Brain Wipe2

Just got out of IEEE meeting followed by Robotics. Not good, we did not complete the circuit for the line follower project that we were working on. We wired everything and then we began to have the problem.(we thought it was one of the pots but apparently not) My brains dead... to be continued...

Trip to downtown :'(

Just so everyone knows, I never posted on the subject to tell you that Jordan and I made it offical and we have been boyfriend-girlfriend since October 18th when he came to San Antonio.

On Saturday we took our van to the shop to get a leak repaired, the mechanics told us that it would be ready in about 4hours so rather than waiting(it was before 9am. and we hadn't had breakfast) we walked to a resturant that was adjacent to the shop. That didn't take too long so we crossed the street and took the bus to downtown(not far from where we were) my fear of returning downtown came true, we walked right in front of the hotel (several times as if I was meant to be tormented) which Jordan stayed at during fall break.

Right away, my heart sunk and I felt like I just wanted to cry right then and there. If that wasn't bad enough we stood waiting for a troll to come, right on the side of the hotel and my mom kept bring up fall break when Jordan was around(that only made things worse for me), there was a bridge there and we all looked down and there was the river floor exit of the hotel where Jordan and I went through several times, I fought back the tears as I am now.

That still wasn't the hard part, when we got on the troll we all sat in the exact same spot where Jordan and I sat (mom my and sisters choice) as we rode around my mom continued to ask questions about when Jordan was around and when/ if him and his family were going to come back. I don't know was all that I could muster out without my the sound of sadness being able to be deteched in my voice.

I talked to Jordan about the whole thing (there was more, much more but I really don't want to cry at the moment) and he felt so sad for me, with me. I could tell in his voice that he was as sad as I was about not knowing when and if we will see each other again.

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In case anyone's wondering what's going on with us we were doing pretty good, until now. I told Jordan that I talked to my cousin ("R's" bestfriend) and I let him know that I wasn't upset about "R" because I already had Jordan but what Jordan doesn't know yet, last night I told my mom about us being together(before Jordan and I talked on the phone until it was time to go to bed. Yay, no not really. :( Jordan, I'm sorry honey that I didn't tell you first, but I just didn't know how to. I always thought of it that when I would tell her, I would be all excited and that would be one of the first thing that I would want tell you.

As you could see where this is going, things did not go as well as I would have thought( where my mom would want to know all the details, when, where, ect...) This would be her normal reaction as with all my previous relationships. I love my mom and we're really close so I value her opinion very much and I wanted her to be curious and happy for me. That was not the case, she basically confirmed my worse fears.

To my surprise, my mom sort of scolded with a mini lecture on how this will never work out. I had tears in my eyes which I had to fight back as we pulled into our driveway, because I know my mom so well, it seemed to me like she was frustrated and kind of disappointed in me. (and that's what really hurt the most) She hit on some really strong points that I originally had and that brought a deep sense of sadness to my heart as I thought of everything that Jordan and I have been going through.

I still feel so sad right now. She reminded me of the age difference and the distance(Ponca City,Oklahoma and San Antonio,Texas) She told me that that is not a way to be with someone because we really aren't together. She told me that we could never really learn enough about each other over the phone, we'll never know how we are really feeling when we talk on the phone. We could sound a certain way and then be feeling another way which we would only know if we could see each others facial expression.

As usual, mom is so right :'( Yesterday I kind of didn't want to call Jordan because I just wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I knew if I didn't call, he would so I called him. The whole time that we were talking, Jordan didn't know that I was holding back the tears in my eyes. Because he couldn't see me, he went on talking as if everything was fine, when it really wasn't. After we ended our conversation I really wanted to release those tears that were still in my eyes but instead I still held them in and went to take a shower. I took a long shower and in the course of the time I was in there I let it all out and just cried. When I came out I wanted to cry myself to sleep but it felt like I just didn't have the strength to, hopelessly, I fell asleep with sadness in my heart and the thought of my mom's disappointment in me.

Made in China much longer?

I heard about this on Good Morning America this morning and it really bothered me to find out that yet another toy recall had been brought to the public eye. I'm starting to really think about this and wonder if this is more than, just a series of ascendants as we are told. Today, probably even yesterday but I didn't get a chance to see the news, it was announced that the now booming popular toy "Aqua Dots" have been added to the list of most recent recalls.

For anyone reading that has not heard of this below is the actual report that I heard this morning. I don't have kids (obviously that's not possible until the far future) but have a niece, a nephew, and plenty of younger cousins that like to follow the new toy craze. This really worries me to even think that any of them could have easily had access to this toy which contains a chemical so dangerous that there have been several reports of children appearing drug and disoriented and in many of the cases the result much more serious to where the kids fall into a comae. The chemical that was found in the spray which holds the "Aqua Dots" together contained a substance which is commonly found in the "Date Rape Drug." Now this is where I question once again, was this an ascendant?

After all the recent recalls I wonder why are we still doing business half way across the world? Just for the government and major corperations to save a few bucks by exploting sweat shop workers in china, but at what cost? What real cost, the saftey of our child here in America? I'm sorry but I don't find this exceptable, something must be done. I think that China has slipped up one too many times and dispite their "suppose it" extra percaustions and paying more attention so that these little mistakes would not happen again. Let me remind you, the only differents that was noticable was ONE chemical that was specifically told to the makers not to be included because of it's harmful effects.

So I leave all those which read this with this question should we trust the saftey of our children in the hands of China toy makers? Please post comments, I doubt it, but I wonder if I may possibly be over reacting to the whole situation.

The link to the article:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Consumer/story?id=3837091

Toxic Tears

This article was sent to me by my now boyfriend Jordan when we had been sharing deep dark secrets which no one else knows about. Well we cry a lot together and later we felt a lot better so Jordan being the nerd that he is looked up the cause of our sudden relief.
Jordan I just love how nerdy you are. I love you!

Here's the link that will take you straight to the article:
<http://www.thirdage.com/healthgate/files/14240.html>

Troubles with Jordan

I seriously thought that I had this great weight lifted from me when “R” told me that he found someone else, I mean come on it has been over 7months now, I wasn’t moping around so I didn’t want him to be. I guess it kind of seems selfish or maybe not, I don’t know… Well I thought that I could feel even better about what happened between Jordan and I during our almost perfect fall break we spent together BUT that wasn’t the case, as usual here I am having to complicate things. L Hum.. (deep breath) Ok, here’s what happened, I was feeling all sorts of happy after I heard the news, I mean for the rest of the day I was feeling great.

It started getting late and that’s when it happened, it dawned on me… I thought that I could move on since he said that he was already with his new girlfriend for three weeks already, yay, Jordan was here a little over 2 weeks. Man! I would have really enjoyed being with Jordan a lot more if it wasn’t for that guilt. I know this seems weird of me to feel like this, most girls wouldn’t even give it a second thought, you’re forgetting, I’m not like most girls. I actually meant it when I said I wanted us to still be friends, so I felt bad. That sucks! Who knows if he even thought of me? I mean, I didn’t want him back, he changed way beyond what I’m looking for in my guy, it’s just since I broke it off he would always make it seem like poor him I was the bad guy for breaking his heart and not getting back with him after 3 dates. Remember I did feel the guilt so it was working, but come on..!

He got with someone first and didn’t even want to tell me about it. I should have the feeling like I could move on but that is still not the case, I’m not sure if I can move on because of Jordan, it seems like we make the almost perfect couple but he’s just so far away from me.(sigh) I miss Jordan so much and for the first time through this whole thing, I feel envy towards “R,” he can move on and he has. I still can’t, Jordan and I can say that we’re together but we’re really not physically together. “R” has his girlfriend and they can enjoy being with each other and what do Jordan and I have, telephone conversations and the memories of those three great days we spent together over fall break. L Before that all we had were first- letters back and forth, telephone conversations, and the faded memory of the first time we met over a year and a half ago.

I feel so sad, should I really give up on Jordan because of the distance? Most people reading this would probably have no problem saying, “Yah, it’s too far to be together, just stop things now and eventually you’ll meet someone else and things will work out with that person in the long run.” I would probably tell myself the same thing but the only difference is that I know my heart. There are things that tell me that I wouldn’t find anyone more perfect for me than Jordan no one would ever believe me if I told them all the things that we do the same, sometimes the similarities are enough for me to think that I found my soul mate. I know that may seem like such a childish thing for me to say but that thought never even crossed my mind before Jordan, I never even felt this strong of a connection with anyone else not even “R” and we were together for almost for years and friends over a year before that.

I’m just afraid that if in fact I do have my soul mate here and just let him go because of the distance than neither of us will ever be truly happy. But if we aren’t and we let go now maybe we would still have a chance at finding our true love (if that such thing really exists) I don’t know what to do about this, could we be depriving ourselves of true happiness in hopes of holding on to something that neither of us are sure will even work out?

I really love Jordan and I know he really loves me too but I just don’t know which choice would hurt less. It seems, to me, that we just live in two completely different worlds and our worlds could never possibly come together. I don’t know what to do, this is causing me so much physical and mental pain. Anyone have a suggestion? Please post on the subject and don’t worry about hurt my feelings, be brutal it couldn’t possibly get any worse than what I’m going through at the moment, it may just be what I need.

Worried about"R"

When I broke up with “R” I told him that I still wanted to be friends and here’s the weird things for everyone to understand, I actually meant it. At first we would still talk on the phone and he would still come over to my house with all my family and watch movies just like we use to the only difference was that we would actually watch the entire movie rather than sneaking off in between to get a little make out time for a while. ;)

Then we even tried going out on dates to maybe see if there was something still there but that was a bust. After I told him that I didn’t like who he had become and basically that he changed too much far beyond the possibility of reconciliation(in a much nicer way of course), he stopped calling and I got worried about him. So one day I called him to see how he was, it seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me and he told me as we were getting off the phone, if it would be a while before we talked again not to worry about him that he would be fine.

It had been a good while again so I decided to call him, this time when I ask him how he was doing he answered to my surprise that he was actually doing pretty good, really good. I asked him what happened and he said that he couldn’t tell me then, that he would tell later.

Saturday I called him again when I was at my cousin’s house, “R’s” best friend, he said that he was helping a friend with a new roof so he would go over later. It started getting late and I thought that he wasn’t going but he did. He went to talk to my cousin in his room and after a while he came out and said he had to go. He then asked me if he could talk to me outside for a little bit, real quick, if I wanted to, of course I was curious so I went.

He told me that that he,” kind of met someone,” I thought that was great, I had no problem with it. I told him that it was good that he found someone and that I wasn’t upset with him. He seemed sad about telling and I’m not sure why, if he was happy with her(I don’t know her name) why was he so sad? Of course this didn’t dawn on me until much later after he left and I was feeling like I was in the greatest mood every in a long time. The reason for this, my first reaction was that I no longer had to feel guilty about how well Jordan and I are while “R” is still alone and depressed about our break up(I know, I was being selfish, I wasn’t completely happy for him only)

Well he told me that they met about a month before they got together and when they met things started out as just friends, not even that he said that he was trying to be an a** on purpose because he didn’t want to meet anyone and she still wanted to talk to him. Another thing, she had a boyfriend at the time. Does anyone see where I’m going with this, and why I’m still worried about “R”?

I’m worried that they may both be using each other to get over their ex-relationships, anyone else thinking what I’m thinking, rebound? Another red flag for me was that he said that he talks about me and brings things up about me and things we did together(happy things), all the time and get this, so does she with her ex-boyfriend. Call me crazy, but that is not something that two people really truly happy with each other would do. I know that I don’t do that unless I’m trying to make a point about something, other than that the sad truth is that I hardly think about my ex-boyfriends including “R”.

That’s why I can’t shake the feeling that something’s not right here, why do I keep thinking about “R?” I know that I’m not jealous of his new girlfriend; I don’t want to get back with him even when I was by myself I was far happier than how things were going at the end of our relationship, off and on throughout our entire relationship(“R”). I really just care about “R” so much as a friend that I just don’t want to see him hurt and I’m afraid that if he’s in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, to get over me, than he will end up hurt; especially if I’m right about the whole thing being a rebound.

I don’t know what to do, I’m just so worried about “R” more than anything, now I have a new sense of guilt hanging over my shoulders, should I confront him about my worries or just let it be? If he get’s hurt and I said nothing, does that make me partly to blame for not talking to him about this fear of mine? Please post your comments, I need all the help I can get!

Geting interesting...

Thanks to everyone who has been posting their comments. You're really making my blogs seem more interesting, I like it! Sam, I was just thinking are you in IEEE? If so you could comment on articles from for your blog. Well I just had a test and I pulled an all-nighter just to finish my paper due today so I'm going home now. Bye everyone!

Treats for all my readers which post comments...

To everyone that post comments... Happy Halloween! Thanks for posting all your comments are a really treat! Today is Halloween and I don't feel like posting much today so here are some mini personal post for everyone that leaves me a comment:

Julie, I can't believe that my post means so much to you, I'm curious know, are you a nerd or do you have a thing for nerds as I do? I only know one Julie but you can't be her, she doesn't know anything about my blog.
Jordan, just in case you didn't read the comments, my friend Jose Luis was around me when I last posted and he added that part about the "engineering buffs."
Sam, sorry if my friend got your hopes up for nothing, and what do you mean when you say you'll make your move?
Sumo, where have you been? You haven't been keeping up with my post, why? I'll probably talk to you later tonight.
Jose Luis, you really crack me up with your comments so thanks a lot I really enjoy them all.

Returning from my Blog Vacation

I was just thinking, "man it's seems like a long time since my last blog", and I was right. I have fallen way behind. At first the intent for this blog was to post everyday except on the weekends but I feel like I have so much that I have posted about. Now it seems like I was on vacation from my blog. :) LOL! That's funny, a vacation from blogging... Blogging is like a vacation from everyday life.

I'm not even sure how to post about all those days without a post... Hummmmmmmmmm... although... by not posting a new blog I did receive more messages for "The Dictionary Problem," which I enjoyed getting so much feed back [Hint, Hint= please post comments people! Even if you don't know me, that's how I met Sam.] Oh well, I still have no idea if I really was over reacting or not, I'm sort of over it now. I'm just glad that I didn't wear my India shirt who knows what would have been assumed than :[ Moving on...

Well just in case anyone's wondering, things with Jordan are still going really well (Jordan: 3November ;) ) despite our few minor set backs. I'm just wondering when we'll get to see each other again. (sigh) I still really miss Jordan and I hope that it won't be another year and a half. Well I guess we'll just have to be patient and just wait and see. :D

The Dictionary Problem!

I feel like I really need to bring this out or it’s going to continue to drive me crazy until I do.

I talked to my friend Jose Luis yesterday about something Jordan told me that really bothered me. Ok, when Jordan was here I gave him an Arabic dictionary (we use references based on what I learned while taking the class) anyways, he told me that his grandmother didn’t like that I gave him the dictionary. Apparently she has a problem with me learn Arabic and she thinks that I’m learning it for the wrong reasons, terrorists reasons (which I’m not) It didn’t even dawn on me until later on (in which I still had no idea about the dictionary problem until Jordan told me) On the last night I saw Jordan we ordered pizza to the hotel room, I don’t eat any pork so I was just picking off the pepperonis, ham, ect…(meat lovers pizza-enough said) well it seemed a little suspicious to me that she questioned me almost immediately, “ Sarah, do you go to church?” I told her yes and then she asked where, I told her the name of the church and then translated the name to English; but that wasn’t what she wanted to know she then asked what kind of a church it was, when I told her Christian she just dropped the subject.

Come on for those that don’t know me I don’t like when people question things like that without asking directly or stating the purpose of their questioning. To me what she did was another way of being racist, I don’t like when people are racist there’s no point to it.

Jordan: I’m sorry Jordan cause I know your going to read this and get maybe a little upset, please just don’t your grandmother about this, I pretty sure she already doesn’t like me and you pretty much acknowledged it the night you returned home.

This was really bothering me (still is) ever since you first told me but I felt like I really needed to express it now. Well, Jose didn’t know what to say on the matter except making a joke about my potential of looking like a Muslim if I were to put a head dress on. (I don’t really look Muslim- (since we must address a race for everything, I’m Hispanic people!!!) Well he did say that may she’s just trying to find reasons not to like which still wouldn’t make any sense at all. Maybe she really just doesn’t like me for some reason.

Later on I spoke to Sumo about it (no he’s not big, it’s just an inside joke that very few know about, he calls me Sumo as well-I’m “Sumo1” he’s “Sumo2”) He thought it was a bit odd for her to assume so quickly and agreed with Jose (about her maybe not liking me, not the head dress thing) Well talk for a while and it really did help me out a lot, thanks Jose and Sumo! Especially Sumo, your little comment made me feel a little better about myself and it made me laugh how I tricked you into telling me (LOL!) for future reference: tape recorder :)

To all that read this: please post your opinion (even Jordan, Sumo, and Jose Luis) Am I giving too much thought to this?

Oh well... I feel better now so I'll be signing off for now.

Moving on with Life :)

I'm feeling better for those that show concern, thanks. :)
I was in my philosophy class and it came to me with every word the professor said, we have a choice of what to belief and how to deal with that belief, also after my class I spoke to my friend Jose Luis and it really helped have someone else to talk to.

As for my belief: I was in the state of mind that I thought everything would be hopeless without Jordan around, I mean I tried to think positive but I would shoot down my own optimistic thoughts. I feel a little bad for saying this, but... I kind was hoping(before fall break) that when Jordan and I would meet up again, that things wouldn't go as great as they did so that I could move on and finally get on with my life not worrying about my feelings for Jordan. Obviously that is no longer the question on my mind.

The only thing that really concerns me now(as it always has) is how are things going to turn out in the long run? How are we going to make this work? I know one thing for sure though, I really want to answer that question, I'm not sure how long it will take, but I want to be able to post in future a success story. (and hopefully I will someday)

Sam: Thank you for finally come to your senses. I would love to have you continue to keep in contact through blogs. I can't wait to see your new blog, let me know when you finally have it ready!

I love you Jordan! 394! I really miss you, but I'm ok now :)

Fall break and heartache

I just had my fall break(Thursday & Friday) Jordan’s family came down to San Antonio and left early Sunday morning. I can’t believe the fun that we had (Jordan and I) We spent most of the time down on the Riverwalk and at Rivercenter Mall. I felt so comfortable with Jordan, more than I ever did being with “R” which was weird for me. I was with “R” for almost 4years and never really wanted him to hold my hand or me in public but it was different with Jordan, I loved it when he would hold my hand or when we would walk with his arm around me. (this may seem a little weird but…) I always thought that you can be sure if you’re with the right person by the touch of their hand.

Yesterday was the first day without Jordan and it was like hell because I knew that he was gone. I went to church and I couldn’t focus on the sermon and barely on my kids class, I just wanted to break down and cry but I knew that everyone would have wanted to know and I’m not sure who I can talk to besides Jordan. (after all he’s kind of going through the same thing as me) By talking to him I wonder if I’m taking this harder than him… He seems sad but I’ve been crying off and on whenever I get the chance and the rest of the time I’m trying as hard as I can to fight back the tears and focus on what’s going on around me.

I have so many reminders of Jordan now more than ever and I don’t know how long I can stand it. The last night I was with Jordan, my mom wanted me to get something to eat with her and my sister, I didn’t want to eat anything so she bought me a milkshake (I know this is stupid) when she gave me the shake there was a cherry on top and I felt tears in my eyes began to form as they are now, earlier that day we all went out to eat and Jordan had a milkshake with a cherry on top, he didn’t want it so he gave it to me and I saved the cherry stem.

Then yesterday I was with my little sister at the Halloween store and I guess I forgot I was with her, it was crowded in there and when she fell behind I was still thinking I was with Jordan so I reached my hand back and I turned around looking for him when he didn’t reach back. When I realized what was going on and that Jordan wasn’t there, I wanted to just break down and cry. I guess there’s no way to escape the memories but let time take it’s course, sooner or later things will get better.

I wonder why things are so different..? I miss him so much. I missed him before he even left because I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. L Just the thought of him leaving was lingering in my mind the whole time we were together but I just didn’t want to bring us down while he was here. On our last day (Saturday) together we sat in the stair well at the hotel were he was staying and we started crying together because I didn’t want him to leave nor did he.

It’s just so hard for me to focus now I want to just go in a corner or somewhere alone and cry until I can’t anymore, and that’s because I already cried myself to sleep the past two nights, I wake up crying for Jordan, and all day I’m forced to hold back the tears.

Coffee Withdraw

I sort of have a headache right now probably because I haven't eaten lunch yet and this morning I had a "Breakfast" drink that's suppose to be as good as eating an actual breakfast (it was my mom's idea) I myself felt like I could have probably had that plus a normal breakfast. Oh yah, not only have I not eaten, I had NO coffee in the morning. Humm... I wonder if I became dependent on it and am now suffering from a withdraw..? (I should have just gotten at least one cup, it was there)

1 day left for Jordan's arrival, yay! I'm so excited and scared at the same time, what if things aren't as we suspect them to be? What if we arugue overr something stupid and the whole break is then ruined? Awwww... just as I want this to work out...what if it doesn't? Then what? I guess we'll just have to see what happens when he's here.

Puzzed & Frustrated

Hummm... I'm feeling puzzled today about the robotics meeting on Friday, I didn't go and I'm trying to find out which of my friends went. So far no luck, all my friends I asks yesterday and today said that they didn't go so I'm now wondering who did go? Even "J" one of the main members wasn't present... weird. What was up with all us robotic folk on Friday, did we all just get the sudden urge to be lazy and not show up? Poor "S" I'm sure he was probably wondering what happened to everyone. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to see what happened when the next meeting comes up.

Feeling a little tired (I've cut back to only 1 cup of coffee for the day for the past 3days, yay, see I'm not addicted, I can stop anytime I want to.) I was disappointed this morning in my programming class, I failed my first mid term (for that class we're going to have 3, 1 grade will be dropped (the lowest) and the other two will combined in which the average will be our final mid term grade. ) I found out that there was only one "99" and the class average was about a "75," I'm below average, that hasn't happened to me in a while (I'm not saying that I'm above average, but at least average would have been more acceptable right about now.) Not only that, there are only 5 girls in the class, including myself, our professor announced that 4 of the 5 girls received grades over "90" that means that I'm the only girl that proves why not too many girls enter this type of field in the first place (most cases boys make better programmers) this sucks.

I have a goal now: By the next mid term I want the professor to say that all the girls are sticking it to the boys, I will learn to write programs, Sorry Jordan I know you say that I'm not a born programmer but that's no longer a concern of mine, I will learn how to program correctly! It's on now!!!

Oh yah, today I'm pissed off and on fire, so "Sam" don't even get me started with you, don't even think of commenting today. (Jordan and any other readers are more than welcome)

I'm done for today and I feel better now, hopefully no one will ruin this good feeling for me. Signing off!

Revelation

Today I realized something when re-reading the comment posted by my mystery reader, "Sam." Whoever you are, you are very clever(I'll give you that) "I am Sam" one of the movies I posted in my profile, "Sam," if I were to follow the link provided by chose "I am Sam" is it possible for me to stubble upon blog without even knowing it simply because of "I am Sam?" I'm going to be around for awhile so let me know if I'm right or even remotely close. *Just as a warning, you better answer today or forever hold your peace(I'm going to remove the option to post a comment without a user name)Who are you, really? Why did you pick me? Come on "Sam" if you want even a chance to get to know me, I need to first, who you are; otherwise you'll just have to suffer with reading my blogs without commmenting or you'll finally have to give up and post a comment using your user name or email me revealing who you are anyways... so...it's your call, make your choice, eventually I'll know who you are or we'll never get to know each other.

More Worries

I'm feeling more excited and worried about Jordan's up coming visit. I'm just really not sure how I feel right now, I can't help but wonder what's going to happen when we finally see each other again. I don't know what to do anymore, I do like feeling like this I feel like things aren't going to be as we imagine it.

I felt sad last night when we were talking, I didn't know really what to say. I know that you still can't help it but I feel like things are only going to get worst after we see each other, it's only going to be hard to not be together. When we first see each other how are we going to react since we haven't seen each other in over a year. Then after spending time together we are going to have to say good bye and part once again, how are we going to react?

I've been going through a lot of things lately and I'm not sure how to react to anything anymore. I was very emotional last night, I was doing my homework for philosophy class and the journal topic that I was suppose to write on brought up some very sensitive subject for me (Jordan I'll tell you about it later, I really wish you could be here already so that I could hold you, I'm sure that would probably make things around here a lot better (or) at least seem that way. I love you.)

Just as a side note to my mystery reader:
Hello again to my mystery reader, I wonder do you know me personally or did you just happen to come across my blog? Your comment seem just suggest that you know me but I've only given my identity to Jordan and Sumo. I know you don't want to tell me your your blogs name, could I have your name at least?

Well that's all for now.

Worries

I'm still feeling tired but today is different, I managed to get by this morning on only one cup of coffee oppose to the average three. Good for me.

The countdown is getting closer and closer, one week remaining 7days, YAY! I'm getting more excited and now a little bit worried. I can't wait to see Jordan, but what if his family doesn't like me or want me around? (sigh) I guess we'll just have to see when he gets here. =(

I was so worried today when I woke up because I had my first mid-term of the semester for my programming class. Well I wish I could say that I shouldn't have had anything to worry about but by saying that, I would be half lying. The test wasn't too bad I started out strong and sort of confident on the first three parts (total four) I felt like I was flying through the question only to discover that I left myself with only twenty-five minuets to write two programs(I usually take longer than that on just one of my homework programs) Well the professor gave us an extension of ten additional minuets to submit our programs, sadly I only finished one program and it did not do everything that it was suppose to :(

Thanks to the extended time I was late to my next class by fifteen minuets. What a great surprise I discovered when walking into class late, I had an online quiz which are usually twenty-five minuets total. My professor told me to get started right away and to kind of go through them quickly since I only had fifteen minuets remaining. Get this... how does my laptop know when I truly need so that it could take it's time starting up? :( Well... my professor always walks around the room (small) whenever there's a quiz going on so he saw that my laptop was still not ready and I only had ten minuets. The funny thing about it, I started the quiz as soon as my laptop allowed me to(five minuets remaining) I was rushing through and I was told that I could continue while the rest of the class started on the notes, well I was already half way done when told this so I just finished and I started taking the at the same time as everyone else. (The CRAZY thing about the whole thing I looked at the time, I finished the quiz in six minuets and still managed to score a [160 out of 200] SCORE for me!!! I wonder what I would have scored if I had the entire twenty-five minuets... =)

Well, got to go, sorry to my mystery reader for the changes. Who are you by the way...Why don't you tell me so that I can check out your blog..?

Tired

Don't feel like blogging much right now. No more programming style blogs(sorry to anyone who may have been actually enjoying them.) I'm tired so this will be a short blog. Despite going to bed early (2300) I'm still very tired and can't waite for the weekend the countdown still countinues 8days,yay! Jordan what are you going to do when you come, (no 3november.)

Well I think I'm going to be living soon, bye for now.

Double YAY!

/*I'm feeling tired and lazy today so forgive me if I seem a bit more air head than usual, I'm sure even if I do re-read this post before publishing, there will still be some things wrong with it so... OH WELL!!! */

#include Tired
#include Yay
#include Sumo.hb
#include Jordan.lk


int main()
{
printf( "Happy Birthday Sumo! You're one year older so it doesn't make you too old but it still make you OLD!!! =) Just kidding, I hope you read this blog today, if not, oh well... I'll call you later and MAKE you read it\n\n" ); /* Hopefully I'll see you and get to tell you in person*/

printf( "I'm feeling so tired today, despite what I thought I was going to do, I once again I find myself having trouble getting to sleep. I've resulted to two or three cups of coffee in the morning, feel tired all day long, and when I'm ready to sleep: something comes up not allowing me to.” ); /*I'm considering not answering when I'm called because my mom has been known to survive on less than four hours of sleep. I think she's trying to pull me into her ways and unlike her this is not helping me get through my day*/
printf( "It's a wonder that the coffee hasn't had it's full effect on me as it should. The other day I was so BRILLIANT that I actually put my cup into my bag thinking that it was empty(lets just say that I only towel dried it and the smell of the coffee still lingers in my bag to the point where I just have to open my bag to get the coffee high without actually drinking it in directly \n\n" );

printf( "Oh yah, I think that this is so cool, I just went to this workshop today and I passed a certification test to handle the camera equipment here at school."); /*To anyone thinking that that's not a big deal it is, just the wireless microphone(without the batteries) is $500 and camera & equipment with the tri-pod, all the cords, and batteries are worth about $5,000.*/
printf( "Just the fact that I would be trusted to borrow those things anytime is a huge deal with me. I just hope I'm not going through one of my blondie moments when I do finally check this stuff out and take it home or I'll be screwed for the full price.\n\n" );

printf( " I'm so excited because the countdown continues... 9days, yay! I can hardly waite to see Jordan again and spent time with him. We still haven't figured out entire plan however we kind-of, sort-of, know what we're going to do. If everything works out we'll both have a great story to tell how we spent our Fall break. Oh yah... More exciting news I found out that my Fall break isn't three days as Jordan, only two but...from Oct. 18-19th(Thursday&Friday when Jordan will be here! Double Yay! That means that I won't be distracted in class thinking of the time I'll get out and see get to him. Also that means that if I meet up with him early in the day, Sumo won't get to tag along, maybe will have extra time alone =) Once again, yay!\n\n" );

printf( "Well...I guess I'm going to go now, hopefully get some rest later on. I'm just so bubbly right now and I'm guessing I'll continue to be until Jordan's arrival in which I'll be EXTREMLY BUBBLY!\n" );

return 0;
} /*end blog*/

Yay!

/*happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy!*/
#include
int main()
{
int Jordan;
int Yay;
int Bubbly; /*Bubbly feeling*/

printf( "So anyways... I think that I had to first, post the "Unsent Letter to Jordan," to give a better understanding of the hard times that Jordan and I have gone through since we first expressed our love for each other.")/* It's also related to my past blogs*/
printf(" Now with that said and done, I have very exciting news ,for Jordan and I*/and anyone hoping we'll make it\n\n");*/

printf( " I just heard two days ago that Jordan is coming to San Antonio soon in just a little over a week. Yay! We are so excited, we are now trying to figure out what to do when he does get here. There are so many places I want to take him to but the only snag in are happiness is that he will only be here 3 days :( Oh well, I guess we just have to make the best of things while he is here :) I really can't wait to see him again but I'm afraid I'm going to have to wait the countdown continues. 10days, Yay! \n" ); /*Bubbly feeling! */

return 0;
} /*end of blog =) */

Unsent Letter to Jordan

There will be a change in the way I will write my blogs, I will now (at least try to) write my blogs in the form of a program. I thought it will be fun and interesting. We'll see how it goes for now...

/*Anyone who reads this blog and my next, post a coment and let me know what you think.*/

/*WARNING!*/
/*This was written under very hard times, this is really sad.*/

/*(Originally written 6/27/07)*/
#include
int main()
{
int Jordan;
int love;
int l;
int k;
int infinity

printf( "Dear Jordan, \n" );
printf( "I can’t sleep right now; I’ve got a lot on my mind… This is hard for me to explain but I’m not sure I should be having these feelings for you anymore. As always, things are very complicated in leading towards my decision. I’ve been doing some thinking of how close yet how faraway we really are. I almost can’t believe how much we have in common, I wonder if these same thoughts have ever crossed your mind. Someday we may or may not cross each others path again and that worries me deeply. :’( I don’t know what’s in store for our but I’m feeling so sad just wondering if we’ll ever meet again and for how long. I’m not sure how much more of this my heart can stand. Even if we would meet again my heart would only know more sadness when we must say goodbye and depart once again (sign) I wish that there was a way of truly knowing if things would work out between us and if we were truly meant to be together. My heart is breaking just thinking of the possibility. It’s driving me crazy! Why did we meet the way we did and fall in love? I just don’t get it, the Bible says that God has our destiny pre-planned way before we are even born and for some reason this was meant to happen but it’s not fair that we have no way of knowing what’s in store for our future.\n\n" );

printf( "I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m losing faith in us. If God has it in his plan for us to be together so be it but I’m not sure if we should continue to give ourselves false hope if indeed that’s all that this will turn out to be. So I ask of you, please no more future talk of when we’ll meet ands what we’ll do, no more talk of us getting together, getting married, having children and so on and so on. No more talk at all. As I stated before, I’m not sure how much more my heart can stand it. Each thought only brings heartache. I can’t stand the thought of losing you and as of now the way I see it, I can’t lose what I don’t have. I’ve been hurt before and my feelings weren’t even as strong as I have for you, I would hate to imagine the emotional damage that could occur now. If we’re meant to be will find out in the future but why suffer more than we already have? Maybe we should start letting go. :’( I think maybe we should talk less or result back to writing as before. I love you so much but I’m afraid of our fate. I’ve been hurt too many times in my past and I know for sure I don’t want to hurt you either. Why are things always so complicated when it comes to us? I’m going crazy!@ @ I should be going to sleep already, goodnight mi amor.(sigh) I really do love you. ^ + ((l) (k)) ^ infinity^infinity^infinity. S.W.A.K! 394.\n" );

return 0;
} /*end of post =) */

Break Through

Last night I guess you could say Jordan and I had somewhat of a fight, it felt more like a debate then a fight. I had talked to Sumo(I'll explain about Sumo in a later blog) the night before and I told him that I wasn't sure about how things were going with Jordan. I told him that I wasn't sure if I thought that I should continue to invest as much time in Jordan as I have.

I brought up a friend of mine from about three years ago, Crystal. She was always good with real life situations and I was having a problem with "R" at the time so I sought out for her help. (Crystal knew nothing about my relationship or my past because she was new to the school)I told her that I needed someone to tell me like it is and I new that she would. I told she that I was with "R" and I was having strong feelings for a friend of mine. Her first reaction was to say that since I had what I wanted with "R" I then wanted something new, this was not true. I told her that I had felt this way for him before "R" but I just couldn't be with him. She said that I "settled" since I couldn't have what I wanted, I "settled" for "R" and in doing so I would never be happy. He was not the first one that I wanted and couldn't have, there was someone else before that and I just eventually got over him and then met my friend. She said that I really would never be happy if I continue this pattern. (Now why did I bring this up?)

I told Jordan that there are two catagories with me, (1.) Those which I wanted and could never have. (2.) Those which I "settled" for like "R" since I couldn't have what I really wanted I gave them a try but was never really happy.

Jordan is sort of in between at the moment more so (1.) The distance between us is really playing a part in why we can't be together. I was thinking about, am I wasting time on Jordan only to never really be with him? OR Am I once again about to "settle" by giving up on the thought of being with him?

I'm not sure how to explain it but I also told Jordan that he was in a way looking down on me (he's such a nerd and I love that (I'm crazy about nerds) but I noticed that he has stopped wanting to talk about technology with me and just talk about simply things or when we would talk about those topics he would act as if I couldn't keep up or possible understand him)

I really felt like I said everything that needed to be said yesturday, I called Jordan out on being so inconceiderate towards me and everyone around him. Also on how ungrateful he is. I was very upset and crying a lot after we got off the phone last night and once again I called Sumo and told him everything. It really helps to have him there for me when I really need him. He made me feel much better and I slept with a sense of relief :)

Earlier I got to read an email which he sent me and was very happy to discover that I really got through to him. It feels like our conversation has made us come to a major break through in our lives and relationship. I can hardly wait to talk to him tonight (especially since it's the weekend) I love him and maybe we will work things out. =)

Heartahe

I really don't know what I'm going to do about Jordan. I want to think that its possible for us to be together someday in the future but I'm not sure, what if I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing. I'm scared about what is going to happen if we never get to meet again. I don't know, I'm not sure if my heart can handle anymore heartache. I want someone around that I can hold and to be able to know that I can count on them to always be there for me when I need them to be. With Jordan I know that he loves me and I know that I really love him too but lately I've been really doubting any hope for the future as far as Jordan and I are concerned. I don't know what to do anymore... (sigh) it almost seems pointless to continue.

My Mistake

I just read the full version of Jordan's blog titled "Mistake." It's sad to me that he thinks that I would be playing mind games with him.

(just a side note: I did tell Jordan about Chris, he just simply dismissed it as if nothing. His exact words when I told him that Chris "claims" that he does like Jordan, he's just messing with his head: "Oh well, I guess it worked because I thought he really did hate me." )

It kind of bothered me what Jordan wrote because I did tell him. I'm not sure what he thinks I would be hidding from him and thats what makes me think about this whole thing as a mistake. I know that telling Jordan that I love him was not a mistake but maybe it was a mistake to let my feelings even get that far.

How could this ever really work? Is it possible? What if we never see each other again, are we going to just simply wait forever? If doing so we may let other opportunities of happiness within our grasp just slip away. I hate having thoughts like this. :(

I love Jordan and I wouldn't want to hurt him.

Brain Wipe

I felt kind of bad earlier after I re-read what I posted (Pain...) I don't know why but I have been thinking about it all day long, and it's driving me crazy! I'm not sure what I'm going to do anymore, with anything not just my situation with Jordan. (sigh) Awwwwwwwwwww...What am I going to do..?

I'm tired, I feel like I just got a complete brain wipe. (sigh) I just came from my robotics meeting which started at 1630. We were working on bread circuit boards, my second time working with one (previously I used a different kind-which needed soddering)

I neeeeeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!

I'm going home already so hopeful since it's the weekend I've be able to get some extra sleep (key word- HOPEFULLY) well I guess I'll have to do my philosophy and programming homework before I can even think of sleep. (I'm behind in philosophy journal entries)

Well bye for now...

Pain (Tears of saddness)

originally written 7/23/07

As if things weren't bad enough with us bing so far apart and the age difference, now this?
I just don't know how to react now finding out one of my biggest concerns, religion, doesn't hold the same meaning to you as it does me.
I thought that I would have learned my lession with how much pain was casted upon me when discvering this same thing about "R"
I always told my friends of the pain and how much I wanted to avoid experiencing it once again.
I thought that I would ask about religion right away when I was enterested in someone, but to tell the truth, I thought that my feeling for you could never amount to more than those of a friend.
When I began to like you, I still thought that there was no use in asking you.
As my feelings developed into stronger feelings, I eventually fell in love with you.
I guess that's when I was just afraid to ask and I was still douting the amount of love.
I never could have imagined that our love would be so strong as it is now.
Now here am I with all these thoughts unning through my head, pain int my heart, and countless tears of saddness falling from my eyes.
And now I don't know what to do...

Someday

originally written 6/18/07

Sometimes I can’t believe just how alike we really are.
When I think about it long enough, it’s kind of scary.
Why do we have to be so alike and in love,
and live so faraway from each other?
I wish we could be together but for now that seems impossible.
“Someday we’ll be together,”
that’s what you always say to me when I question our future.
I wish there would be a way to know for sure,
what is to come and what lies ahead.
I don’t know what’s in store for us,
and I’m sure neither do you.
What are we going to do?
I suppose we must not give up hope,
and in time we’ll see…
I really want to believe someday we’ll be together.
For now that will have to do, I guess...
Awww… I love you so much and I don’t want to wait much longer.
But I really must be patient and just never give up hope.
I wish we were older so we could know what to do.
Will we really wait for each other?
I guess only time will tell if we’re meant to be.
Someday we’ll find out our fate, and if we truly are meant to be.
So for now we’ll wait for that day…someday.

A Piece of my heart

originally written 6/04/07

Throughout my day I find it hard not to think of you
my feeling I have for you, sometimes scare me,
They really do.
I’ve been in love once before,
but the love I have for you feels like so much more.
I want to be with you forever,
but it hurts me that we’re not together.
It makes me sad and want to cry that we’re so far apart.
I want you to know, no matter what,
you’ll always have a piece of my heart.
I love you, I truly do.
I will always love you.

Untitled

I often think of you, here so faraway from you,
I’m not sure, what am I going to do?
Why did we have to meet and fall in Love?
Now just talking to you is not enough,
why oh, why, did we have to be so
Faraway and fall in love?

Moving on...

It's time for me to move on, finishing my post of "R" will finally let me do just that, move on. I have just one problem with this, I can't fully move on because my love is so far away. I have no idea what to do about this, he always says "We'll figure something out", but what and how? I don't know what to do any more I think about him all day long and sometimes it makes me happy but other times I just feel so alone. I still can't move on because Jordan's not here and we can't be together so far away, it seems like we already are together but we're not. :(

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this sucks, what should I do?

Oh how can I tell you?

(Don't know when this was originally written but for sure it was towards the end when I already had it with the way things were going.)

I need to talk to you,
I need to tell you what's on my mind
Oh every time I try, it seems as if you hide.
Oh how can I tell you how I feel
if you don't even answer the phone?
Oh how can I tell you face to face
if we don't see each other anymore?
I have so much to tell you but with little time
Where do I start?
Oh, my feelings of love for you have died.
I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I feel this way,
but my feeling for you have changed.
Oh how can I tell you?
I want to go back to being just friends.
When I do tell you, I hope you understand,
but for now one question remains...
Oh how can I tell you?

(It wasn't easy but I finally did, over the phone-the only way possible. He didn't understand and it seemed like he was angry with me, I think the way things were going, I was intitled to be more mad then him. Oh well... We tried being friends afterwards but it's now been a month or more since we last spoke. The "R" time is now over. Yay time to focus on the present-Jordan! )

Why are you doing this to me?

(once again I'm not sure when I originally wrote this, oh well...)

My love is pure and it's always been true
And now this, I have to say,

Oh why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are you slowly taking my heart and then lsowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

Our love wasn't like andy other,
Oh I don't know why we found each other.
You were always there for me,
When for a friend I was in need.
But now I don't even know what to say to you.
Oh I don't want to break your heart,
but now, oh I think it's now time for us to part.

Oh baby why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are yo slowly taking my heart and then slowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

BRILLIANT!!!

I just realized today by looking in my journal that I am almost through my book to the part of which I began writing about Jordan. Yay! There's only two or three more about "R" and then I get to start talking about the present.

I finally got my laptop back from the shop and I discovered that it was competely wiped clean as they told me that might have to be done. It kind of sucks because I spent at least an hour reinstalling software from my programming class. BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! The only thing I could do while I was waiting for it to finish was catch up on my reading in my programming class.

Another thing that sucks, I have to re-do a 6-8 page paper which was also wiped off my laptop and I'm sooooooooooo brilliant that I did not think to save it to my USB. D'oh! Oh well, you live and learn but you would think that I would have learned since this is not the first time that something like this has happened to me. Once again...BRILLIANT!!!

Change

(I stopped writing dates after a while because I just wanted to express my feelings that I forgot- but there all in order anyways.)

Things always seem different, as nothing is ever the same.
I was never happy and I never knew why.
I couldn't believe how much my life changed after I met you.
I began to feel happiness that I could have never before,
even imagined.
When did things change back to those unhappy feelings?
Why did things have to change?
Why didn't things stay the same, encluding my feelings for you?
I ma never know, but I know one thing for sure,
I hate too much change.

(As you could imagine this was written when I began to realize that my relationshop with "R" was not going to work out.)

Drift Away

(once again I don't know when I originally wrote this)

Sometimes my mind can't help but drift away.
I often think of that day.
I still have so many reminders of you.
I use to wonder what to do.
As one of my friends, you were one of the best.
But ever since you entered your enternal rest,
sometimes I still drift away,
and when I think of that day,
I can only think of good times with you.
I wonder what we'll do,
if you're still one of the best,
will we still be friends when I join you in enternal rest?

-In loving memory of a good friend: M.M.O

Panic Attack

(I don't know the original date because I didn't write it, it wasn't a top priority at the moment)

It's getting really cold, tears in my eyes, I try to hold.
They want to come out.
"Perfect" playing on the radio, now "Unwell".
My heart is raccing, pounding, lights flicker, rain pounding outside followed by thunder,
police sierenes are to be heard, I'm so terrifed at the moment.
I need some help!
Tears begin to form, still in my eyes they remain.
Radio goes off allowing the sounds more in.
Fear runs through my body as tears run from my eyes as I cry.
Radio came back on I can still hear the outside sounds inside.

(This was during a thunder storm. I'm terrified of storms because my family and I got caught in a flood one year. Our car filled up with water while we were still in it, we had to save ourselves but climbing out the drivers side widow, on the roof of the car where my brother was and pulled us up, down the back window and trunk. There were two men that stopped to help, they held a rope which my brother through to them and we pulled our way through the water and then we walked home-lucky a street away which somehow wasn't flooded. See I have a reason to be afraid, very afraid.)

Fixed a Door

originally written 9/07/03

A night out on the town is not the same because you're not around.
After returning I see my ex-bf but I really wish it were you.
It's true and weird, I see him more often than you
I really am truely lucky, most guys would e jealous,
but you trust in me, the way I trust in you.
Today I fixed a door that wouldn't close in more than one way.
Now please don't get mad, ut I sometimes would still wonder,
why didn't he ust want me, was I not enough?
I also wonder what my life would be like if he did choose me,
would I be just as happy? Probably not.
I now, with you am as happy as I could ever be,
and I don't wonder why, but I'm glad you chose me.
I wish you could have know the kind of satifaction I felt today,
knowing that I don't need him as much as he needs me,
so helpless, he can't even figure out how to pre-heat a stove, boil water for a cup of noodles, program a radio or VCR, he can't even figure out how to fix a door
that just won't close, I can, i took it apart and in an hour or less put it back
with it being able to close.
While I was fixing it he returned and tried to see how it was being done,
It was than that another door was fixed,
I no long wonder about life with him.
I can fix things on my own.
I don't need anyone, I could live alone,
but still I'm glad that I have you.

(I don't wish to comment now but maybe later I will)

Life and With you

originally written 9/06/02

I actually feel pain in my heart when we're apart
things that happened in my past, memories still last.
My 2 brothers and my sister left home at an ealy age.
My mom's so afraid that I will too,
that she tries to not let me have a normal life,
as the kid I rfeally am.
I was forced to grow up too soon,
I'm too mature for my age.
Sometimes I'm glad, but other times I wish that,
I could enjoy being and acting likde a kid.
I've never gone to the mall before, or out just with friends.
I've never even been out on a "real" date before.
I always felt left out like I'm not part of the crowd.
I don't even know how to cry out loud.
I try to hide them from my "friends" and "family" and even you,
sometimes but mostly from myself.
No matter what you say, I feel ashamed of myself,
and alone without you here with me.
I believe that when you start off with a good life,
you suffer later on, I've suffered all along,
so maybe life is getting better for me, starting with you.
You always tell me that youu're the lucky one,
but I wonder what I did to deserve a person like you.
You make me feel like the lucky one here.
I always tried to think of myself as lucky but,
I never started believing it until now.
I'm to try until I'm at least eighteen,
to remain in the same house under my mom's roof.
Then I'm moving out with or without you.
But things are better with you,
so I hope that's how it'll stay, you and me only.

(Now looking back on this, I don't think I ever felt like this with "R" as I do for Jordan. Reading what I wrote seems like it applies to Jordan than it ever did for "R". "R" didn't really know what I meant by this and Jordan does. - Isn't this kind of weird how life turns out completely different than what we expect? I would have thought that "R" and I would have been together forever, or at least gotten married, but now he doesn't want to talk to me because I wouldn't get back with him. I'm not even sure if we would make good friends the way that he's changed over the years.)

Until I Met You.

originally written 8/31/03

Things I never did before,I still can't believe, I'm trying then now
I was afraid to, or I would often quit,
I gave up on the world because I thought the world had given up on me.
It was hard for me to trust because all promises people would not ever keep.
It was hard for me , at night I would often cry myself to sleep.
I always felt weak, no matter what I would do, it always felt the same.
That's of course, until I met you.
Ever since, I gave the would a 2nd chance, just as it has me.
I'm beginning to trust easily starting with you.
At night I sleep so peacefully.
Now I cry only tears of joy.
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
And no matter what I do, I'm happy because I'm with you.

(Well now looking back I think whoever I end up with owes "R" a huge thanks, because I was I project when we met and he improved me for the long run. -Thanks "R"!)

Tears

originally written 8/10/03

It use tyo be that when tears formed in my eyes wanting to cry, the tears were those of saddness.
I don't quite know why when a song plays on the radio it reminds me of you and the happy times we've spent on the phone.
I have to stop and smile whenever I think of you.
Even when I am, I don't feel so alone,
It's true, when I'm alone in my room, I'm not, because you're always in my thoughts and deep in my heart, but still I can't figure out...
When my tears of joy, love, and happiness made my tears of saddness fade away.
In my everyday life, in every possible way,
I love you and I hope you remember that and never forget.

(as you culd imagine once again I have both tears of saddness and joy= love sucks! )

Blood Drive

Today I posted a few poems from memory lane and reflected on them but it was kind of getting depressing so I will now write about the present.

I'm here at school (college, oooo, how nerdy am I?) and to my surprise I walk into the UC and there's a blood drive going on, beds, blood draining machines, the whole works. ( I should probably mention that I had a blood test last year in which only a small amount was taken... long story short I would not be able to donate blood, my blood is perfectly heathy but I just got dizzy for a good while-not fun, never again-hopefully. )

I can't even watch it being done to someone else (which is weird because one of my favorite shows, "House" shows a lot of blood) As you could imagine I found myself a seat to which the blood drive is out of site :D (I guess now may be a time when I can honestly say I love the snack machine.)

Well I should be going now (I have homework which is due 2morr @ 09:20, barely started on two of the five question. Oh yah...I actually have to fininsh by today to be able to send it through the digital drop box, I have no internet at home and I am not going to come to school that early-I made a point to have my earliest class alittle after 1000.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay, that's all for now.

Love

originally written 8/3/03

So sweet and very smart, that's what you are,
I don't know what exactly it is,
A kiss is just a kiss, so people say...
Maybe so but it means much more.
Every time we kiss, it's easy to say,
I'm falling deeperr in love, in a new way.
Will our love last long? I just may.
I'll love you forever and always.

(sigh... oh well it was a good run while it lasted and I do still love him but as nothing more than a friend)

So Happy In Love

originally written 8/3/03

The time we've spent together, I'll never forget
Things we say and do, runs through my head
People thought we wouldn't last more than two weeks
Now look, aren't they surprised,
We're still in each others lives
I'm so happy when I take a look in your eyes
I love when you hold me in your arms
I feel the love deep in my heart
Nothing or no one can take us apart.

(if you haven't noticed the pattern yet the "R" stands for a name, my ex-boyfriends name to be exact. The only one that took us apart was him, he changed so much from when we first met some good, some bad-more bad as the years went on. That's right I said years ,almost 4. )

Never End

originally written 7/10/03

Whenever I go out, there's never any doubt
I love you with all my heart, even when we're apart
When we talk on the phone, I know I'm not alone
When you speak of problems at home
I wish I could be there to comfort you
Because my feelings are true
I wish out love will never end.

(as every other relationship, our love eventually came to an end)

Left out again :(

(I wrote this last night before I went to sleep.)

I made an attempt to contact my dad today (and that’s not easy for me to do) he answer but he was working as usual (not to my benefit since he lives in another city and my mom is single handedly struggling to keep everything barely together) I asked him if he would please call me after work and he agreed…he never called.

I’m supposed to be part of the IEEE and I have heard nothing from anyone, it’s as if I don’t count. I see other members and the only one’s that would talk to me either:
1.) Don’t recognize me with my new haircut and semi new colorful style.

OR

2.) They just don’t want to even talk to me anymore. (as if that was a lot to begin with)

I was talking to a new friend of mine about IEEE while walking to my class and he said he was thinking of joining. He told me that he got a email that there was a meeting on Friday (I did not receive that email and that’s cause I was on the list the past two semesters.) I’m being left out again and this really sucks! I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not only a “blue person” I’m a “green person” which part of it’s description is that I recharge by being by myself; but I hate being left out of the loop when it comes to something important. :@ I also heard that robotics (which I’ve been waiting for) has started or is going to start and I once again did not get an email!

I was talking to Jordan and I was telling him everything that I have been going through lately. Well I didn’t tell him, but when I mentioned being left out again with the IEEE and robotics (just like in high school) and then my dad, and tears began to roll down my face. I wanted to really cry out but I held it in hiding it from him.

Right now I’m crying, ever since I was on the phone with Jordan, he has no idea how bad things really are, I’m not sure if I really want him to know. He was trying to cheer me up because he knew I was upset by what I was telling him but only tears ran down my face so he was clueless to my crying. :’(

Jordan’s the only one other than Sumo that I can talk to about just about anything, I wanted to tell Jordan but he was in too good of a mood that I thought he didn’t need me pulling him down. He always has problems of his own just like anyone else so why pull him down with my troubles now?

As we were getting off the phone Jordan convinced me to lay down and try to take it easy and I guess at least try to forget everything that’s going on. I wish that I could say it helped but it just made me have to hold back more, as soon as we got off the phone I sunk my head into my pillow and I CRIED, I mean I really let it out. That helped but I’m still crying and I have a feeling that I will cry myself to sleep.

I don’t know how Jordan’s going to react when he sees this blog. (sigh) I’m just going through so much right now as I stated before and I don’t what to do about anything. Everything is just coming at me so fast and I’m afraid that I don’t know how much more I can take before I have a melt down. (Which has happened before in the past and was hard on me for a good time period) I hope and pray that I can get past all this before that happens. :’( I better figure something soon or I’ll be in trouble.

Just you & Me

originally written 6/22/03

Whenever I think of you, a smile spreads across my face.
I know now my heart's in the right place.
With you I'm glad to be.
My feeling are beyond what eyes could see.
My love for you runs really deep.
I will try for you to keep, that loving heart that lyes beneith.
I love the way you are always so sweet.
I've been hurt before, I hope with you no more.
I've never felt this way before.
With each day I'm loving you more.
When I'm with you everyone else is out.
There's no doubt, their opinions matter not to me.
Together forever, I hope us to be.
Together forever, just you and me.

My Thoughts

I can't help but feel sad when I think of the situtation Jordan and I are going through. We are almost perfect for each other in almost every way yet we just can't be together.(at least not now) I'm not really sure what to do anymore, I really love him but I'm afraid of the future (or lack there of) I want to be with him, and I want us to be happy with each other but now it's seems that instead of happiness we only continue to cause each other heartache. I know that this is real because if it wouldn't be then we wouldn't have spent all those nights crying over simular conversations. I feel like screaming!!! I wish that we could do something, but what? I have no idea what other people might think of this but it's driving me CRAZY!!!

I'm not sure when I'll get to post the rest of my poems but I will post one of my poems right after this journal, hopefully it will be soon.

First blog

This is my first blog so i want to post my most recent writing before I dive into my past so here it is...

Written: 9/13/07

What if things don’t work out the way we want them to? I love you so much. I never had this strong of a connection with anyone other then you. I don’t know why things have to be so difficult. I just wish we could be together. I want us to be together but I’m afraid that, that may never happen.
Why do we have to be so far away from each other and feel the way we do? At night and any chance I get during the day I just lay in bed and hold my pillow tight thinking of you. At night I often cry myself to sleep because I miss you so much and I really want to see you. I want to hold you instead of my pillow.
It hurts so bad to think of but what if everyone’s right and we should try to find other people? I know it’s possible but I just don’t want to! I feel bad for even considering it. If they only knew how we felt they wouldn’t even suggest it.
I really hate feeling like this… I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I don’t know if there ever will be an “us”. I could imagine it as if were already true but then it only saddens me to know that my minds just playing tricks on me.
We are just so alike that it worries me I may never be able to find that closeness with anyone else (at least not the way it is with you.) I feel so alone at times and other times I feel like your right here with me. Sometimes I can actually hear your voice, feel your touch, I mean I really feel you.
Sometimes I wake up a little bit later and I can feel you gone as if you were there all along and when I look at the time I realize that you would be gone. How can I feel this when we’re not even in the same state? How can I feel you when you were never here to begin with? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I wish someone could explain it to me because I may never know otherwise.
I should really go to bed now, I can hear you crying as well and you’re calling me so we can just hold each other, cry together, and fall asleep together. Goodnight Jordan. I’m coming to bed.