Fall break and heartache

I just had my fall break(Thursday & Friday) Jordan’s family came down to San Antonio and left early Sunday morning. I can’t believe the fun that we had (Jordan and I) We spent most of the time down on the Riverwalk and at Rivercenter Mall. I felt so comfortable with Jordan, more than I ever did being with “R” which was weird for me. I was with “R” for almost 4years and never really wanted him to hold my hand or me in public but it was different with Jordan, I loved it when he would hold my hand or when we would walk with his arm around me. (this may seem a little weird but…) I always thought that you can be sure if you’re with the right person by the touch of their hand.

Yesterday was the first day without Jordan and it was like hell because I knew that he was gone. I went to church and I couldn’t focus on the sermon and barely on my kids class, I just wanted to break down and cry but I knew that everyone would have wanted to know and I’m not sure who I can talk to besides Jordan. (after all he’s kind of going through the same thing as me) By talking to him I wonder if I’m taking this harder than him… He seems sad but I’ve been crying off and on whenever I get the chance and the rest of the time I’m trying as hard as I can to fight back the tears and focus on what’s going on around me.

I have so many reminders of Jordan now more than ever and I don’t know how long I can stand it. The last night I was with Jordan, my mom wanted me to get something to eat with her and my sister, I didn’t want to eat anything so she bought me a milkshake (I know this is stupid) when she gave me the shake there was a cherry on top and I felt tears in my eyes began to form as they are now, earlier that day we all went out to eat and Jordan had a milkshake with a cherry on top, he didn’t want it so he gave it to me and I saved the cherry stem.

Then yesterday I was with my little sister at the Halloween store and I guess I forgot I was with her, it was crowded in there and when she fell behind I was still thinking I was with Jordan so I reached my hand back and I turned around looking for him when he didn’t reach back. When I realized what was going on and that Jordan wasn’t there, I wanted to just break down and cry. I guess there’s no way to escape the memories but let time take it’s course, sooner or later things will get better.

I wonder why things are so different..? I miss him so much. I missed him before he even left because I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. L Just the thought of him leaving was lingering in my mind the whole time we were together but I just didn’t want to bring us down while he was here. On our last day (Saturday) together we sat in the stair well at the hotel were he was staying and we started crying together because I didn’t want him to leave nor did he.

It’s just so hard for me to focus now I want to just go in a corner or somewhere alone and cry until I can’t anymore, and that’s because I already cried myself to sleep the past two nights, I wake up crying for Jordan, and all day I’m forced to hold back the tears.