I’m afraid. Lord, I know you are with me and my family, I know this because no matter how bad the situation I can always turn to you. You are the one that will never leave me though I have been through a lot I know this, and I choose to keep my faith in you. With everything going on in my life, faith is all I have left when even my own family has turned away from me, you are there to guide me through these hard times. It feels like we have hit rock bottom and if so, there’s own one way to go, up. I believe if I keep my faith and never give up, I will rise again just like the story of Job. You never left him; you were only testing his faith in you, now maybe you’re testing my faith in you as well.
It seems as if I have only sacrificed one happiness for another. I should be happier now but I’m not going to lie and say I am when I really am not. I know that there are a lot of people in world out there that have it worst off then me so I shouldn’t be complaining now should I? With all that I have been through, and all that is to come, Lord, I know that one set of footprints is not you abandoning me; no, I know that they are yours’ and that I am in the safety your arms as you carry me through these difficult times.
Lately I have been finding myself worrying through out the day and crying in the privacy of my own room. Who would ever guess that I, always so cheerful and full of laughter am really hurting deep down inside? In my own silence I find myself. It is then that I truly find the time to think about my life and it’s worth. I regrettably find myself thinking; wouldn’t it be so much easier on everyone if I were gone? Would anyone even notice or really care?
It seems that death is all around me. I heard from a friend of mine today that someone of which was in my high school robotics team, died, he was in a car accident. I could only think of two things when hearing this, why was he so lucky to be away from this horrible world? When will it be my time to join my Holy Father? I feel so bad for even thinking these awful thoughts but I must tell the truth. I often think of my old suicidal thoughts, and I wonder, what is my purpose?
There is a reason for every living creature to be on this earth and when they are done serving their purpose, then and only then will they finally be able to rest and meet our creator. Such a strange thing to envy, death. When most people are afraid of it, I can only wonder when it will be my time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Always the one you least expect...
I know it's really late or extremely early, which ever you want to see it is fine with me. I just can't seem to sleep and I just thought I might pay my respects to an actor which now, was one of my favorite actors. In case you're living under a rock or don't pay any attention to the news, Heath Ledger, passed away today, the exact cause still unknown. Why do I care you may ask?
1.) For one I enjoyed Ledger's movies, my favorite "10 Things I hate about you" which I own and love to watch all the time along with my mom and two sisters.
2.) The reason that the cause of his death is still unknown is because there will be an autopsy scheduled for tomorrow, there are no signs of foul play, instead at the moment his death is thought to be suicidal.
I have had these painful thoughts in my past and with God in my life, my friends, family I overcame my hard times. I know what you're thinking those of you that did not know this little secrete about me, it's always the one you least expect to do or even think of something as horrible as this. So it saddens me that Heath Ledger taking his own life is the most obvious reasoning at the moment, because he like me, like most stars seemed to have everything so together. So I close saying Heath Ledger, you will never be forgotten in the thoughts of those who knew you or admired you for your talent as I did, and you will forever live on in those you leave behind.
Sorry if this blog was boring to those that don't care about this subject or who was expecting something else from this post. I'm getting a little tired now so going to try to get some sleep and maybe I'll post tomorrow hopefully on a happier note.
To anyone interested in the full story I read follow this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22788914/?GT1=10755
1.) For one I enjoyed Ledger's movies, my favorite "10 Things I hate about you" which I own and love to watch all the time along with my mom and two sisters.
2.) The reason that the cause of his death is still unknown is because there will be an autopsy scheduled for tomorrow, there are no signs of foul play, instead at the moment his death is thought to be suicidal.
I have had these painful thoughts in my past and with God in my life, my friends, family I overcame my hard times. I know what you're thinking those of you that did not know this little secrete about me, it's always the one you least expect to do or even think of something as horrible as this. So it saddens me that Heath Ledger taking his own life is the most obvious reasoning at the moment, because he like me, like most stars seemed to have everything so together. So I close saying Heath Ledger, you will never be forgotten in the thoughts of those who knew you or admired you for your talent as I did, and you will forever live on in those you leave behind.
Sorry if this blog was boring to those that don't care about this subject or who was expecting something else from this post. I'm getting a little tired now so going to try to get some sleep and maybe I'll post tomorrow hopefully on a happier note.
To anyone interested in the full story I read follow this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22788914/?GT1=10755
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Japenese Exhbit =D
Jose Luis, my good friend from school, recently called me knowing I enjoy Japanese culture and invited me to a Japanese Exhibit which took place today. We planned it perfectly down to where to meet close to the museum and at what time(or so we thought) He calls me when I'm getting my clothes ready and was about to head down to eat my breakfast(lunch actually=after 11) that the exhibit starts two hours earlier than we(by we I mean Jose) originally thought so he told me to hurry that he was going to head out. That really through everything into a craze. My mom which was going to drop me off was not ready neither was my sister, we were running late to the new planned meeting time. Jose calls me very playfully says,"I'm here, where are you?" I told him that I was still at home but was just about to head out probably getting there in 15 to 20mins he said ok and we hung up, then we left the house and just for fun (not really) we discovered we had forgotten to fill up on gas the night before so we had to stop. While I was inside the gas station waiting to pay in this ridiculously long line he calls me again and ask if I was close I told him about the gas and he said it was fine that he was just making sure I wasn't standing him up(with an added laugh)
Finally I make it downtown and when I just around the corner and since my cell is rebelling against me I call him using my mom's cell(long story, I'll tell it maybe later) I tell him where I am, I could already see him wondering around trying to see me(oh yah, Jose why where you looking at the statue trying to find me, do you have x-ray vision you're not telling me about?) finally he spots me as I jump off. We then started towards the museum which was conveniently walking distance just down the street, I guess my mom must have turned around up the street or something because we were heading in the opposite direction we just arrived from and she honked and waved as she past us by.
We arrive at the museum and to our surprise it wasn't what was expected:A Japanese art exhibit, instead it was an exhibit of anemia for kids. We laughed the whole time as we realized we paid to see Japanese cartoons character figures, tv's with cartoon's such as Pokemon playing and lots of story book toys,ect... Well on the bright side, we had a good laugh as we read through the history of anemia, I had never been exposed to so much in my life but Jose had(he loves it) and it was funny watching him getting very excited with each passing station.
We decide to leave and head to the mall's food court, along the way I saw an old friend of mine BBC, we didn't stop to chat because he looked busy at work and I didn't want to get him in trouble but we waved and than we continued on our way. Speaking of continue, to continue the theme we decide on Asian food and to sit outside, big mistake(sitting outside, not the food) It started out nice and enjoyable as we sat across each other and began talking until a few pidgins decide to land on the ground next to us looking for food. Really it wouldn't have been a problem if it wouldn't have been for a young lady which decided to through it some food, once some food is spotted they all came and swarmed. Whoever she was with(I don't want to label because they could have been as me and Jose, just two friends hanging out) would swing his foot over in annoyance to keep them away but they still kept coming. Jose asked her nicely to please not feed them but she continued anyways soon a little kid started running to them scaring them where they were startled and began flying over us like crazy. Groused out we gathered our food and moved to a table inside,much better.
As we were eating I noticed a store up above where Jordan and I went before(home of his "This is my San Antonio," t-shirt) I told Jose about it and how I wanted to see if they had anymore(once again,long story, maybe later) After we finished eating we went upstairs to the store, no luck, they had the same shirt but not in Jordan's size so we went to the bookstore. It was awesome how many comic style books (novel size course) I saw and had no idea where there, it kind of made me wonder," How it was possible for me to have never become a comic book geek? Oh well, after spending a good time in the book store it was time to check out, Jose bought some books but I didn't (I own books which I still haven't even read yet)
Back to the inside of the mall, I was on a mission, my mom requested that I would find her something specific which we could find at Dillard's or Macy's. Never have I felt so out of place as I looked through all the girly creams, perfumes, and makeup only to not find what I was looking for(I'm girly but to a certain point) We left and along the way we saw another bookstore so we went in, of course Jose found another book.
Then we left the mall and headed to Jose's car, I don't recall what started it but I started teasing him about being a country boy seeing as how he leaves out in the middle of nowhere. I soon decided to stop, telling him since I never saw his car before he was going to pretend that it was stolen so he wouldn't give me a ride which would have a good punishment (it was getting cold) We laughed about it (no he didn't leave me there) as we drove out of the parking lot, when he turned I heard a strange yet familiar sound, I told him he needed power steering. He had no idea that was what that noise meant so he took my word for it and I guided him to a gas station to buy some. It was so funny, when we got there he had no idea what to get so I showed him his options and then just told him which to get. I decided to bag on him using sarcasm on how to open the hood, I thought I was going to have to put it in for him but he did it himself (yay Jose, I'll give you that)
Oh yah, my mom had her fun too when we were at Dillard's, she suggested that the next time we should go to a big people's museum at the Witti so since we were down the street and he didn't know how to get to it I was going to show him when I mentioned another bookstore being along the way. Needless to say, we stopped at the bookstore and Jose bought some more books. I love to read books but, dude, you're obsessed! NERD! :D We didn't go by the Witti we decided we had enough fun for one day so I called my mom and told her we were ready to meet her and that we were heading that way. As we drove back it came up somehow again about the power steering and I began to bag on him again and than I said the funniest thing, I told him,"I know this is going to sound nerdy, but this is so blog worthy," we both laughed before he begged me not to but I told him I would so he asked me to take it easy on him.
Just as we thought the fun was coming to an end, we see flashing lights behind us. I asked him is that for us? Just as he said I hope not, we hear the cop say to pull over to the right, it scared him so he swerved and then past a red light before pulling into a small parking lot right after the light. Before the cop came to the window we were both clueless, it turns out his car was reported stolen so we were both arrested! (Just kidding!) His right stop light was out so he pulled him over to warn him about it. He was asked for the usual and the cop checked him up on the computer real quick, as he did I laughed at Jose and told him for sure I would blog about it he agreed that I should, about the entire day, just than the cop came back and told us we were free to go.
Finally we made it to where we were going to meet my mom, we got there first so we sat in the car and talked some more until not long after, my mom came. He got off the car to meet her and ask for directions home, she told him how to get home and we were leaving the parking lot when Jose left me with one last thing to laugh about, as he reversed we all saw him almost hit this cement separation thing. Did you hit it? We really couldn't tell. =D Well we both made it home safe after our 4hours of non-stop fun and sarcasm. I really had fun, thanks. Maybe we should go to the "Big People's Museum." (I just had to get one last one in before the end of the day) =D
Finally I make it downtown and when I just around the corner and since my cell is rebelling against me I call him using my mom's cell(long story, I'll tell it maybe later) I tell him where I am, I could already see him wondering around trying to see me(oh yah, Jose why where you looking at the statue trying to find me, do you have x-ray vision you're not telling me about?) finally he spots me as I jump off. We then started towards the museum which was conveniently walking distance just down the street, I guess my mom must have turned around up the street or something because we were heading in the opposite direction we just arrived from and she honked and waved as she past us by.
We arrive at the museum and to our surprise it wasn't what was expected:A Japanese art exhibit, instead it was an exhibit of anemia for kids. We laughed the whole time as we realized we paid to see Japanese cartoons character figures, tv's with cartoon's such as Pokemon playing and lots of story book toys,ect... Well on the bright side, we had a good laugh as we read through the history of anemia, I had never been exposed to so much in my life but Jose had(he loves it) and it was funny watching him getting very excited with each passing station.
We decide to leave and head to the mall's food court, along the way I saw an old friend of mine BBC, we didn't stop to chat because he looked busy at work and I didn't want to get him in trouble but we waved and than we continued on our way. Speaking of continue, to continue the theme we decide on Asian food and to sit outside, big mistake(sitting outside, not the food) It started out nice and enjoyable as we sat across each other and began talking until a few pidgins decide to land on the ground next to us looking for food. Really it wouldn't have been a problem if it wouldn't have been for a young lady which decided to through it some food, once some food is spotted they all came and swarmed. Whoever she was with(I don't want to label because they could have been as me and Jose, just two friends hanging out) would swing his foot over in annoyance to keep them away but they still kept coming. Jose asked her nicely to please not feed them but she continued anyways soon a little kid started running to them scaring them where they were startled and began flying over us like crazy. Groused out we gathered our food and moved to a table inside,much better.
As we were eating I noticed a store up above where Jordan and I went before(home of his "This is my San Antonio," t-shirt) I told Jose about it and how I wanted to see if they had anymore(once again,long story, maybe later) After we finished eating we went upstairs to the store, no luck, they had the same shirt but not in Jordan's size so we went to the bookstore. It was awesome how many comic style books (novel size course) I saw and had no idea where there, it kind of made me wonder," How it was possible for me to have never become a comic book geek? Oh well, after spending a good time in the book store it was time to check out, Jose bought some books but I didn't (I own books which I still haven't even read yet)
Back to the inside of the mall, I was on a mission, my mom requested that I would find her something specific which we could find at Dillard's or Macy's. Never have I felt so out of place as I looked through all the girly creams, perfumes, and makeup only to not find what I was looking for(I'm girly but to a certain point) We left and along the way we saw another bookstore so we went in, of course Jose found another book.
Then we left the mall and headed to Jose's car, I don't recall what started it but I started teasing him about being a country boy seeing as how he leaves out in the middle of nowhere. I soon decided to stop, telling him since I never saw his car before he was going to pretend that it was stolen so he wouldn't give me a ride which would have a good punishment (it was getting cold) We laughed about it (no he didn't leave me there) as we drove out of the parking lot, when he turned I heard a strange yet familiar sound, I told him he needed power steering. He had no idea that was what that noise meant so he took my word for it and I guided him to a gas station to buy some. It was so funny, when we got there he had no idea what to get so I showed him his options and then just told him which to get. I decided to bag on him using sarcasm on how to open the hood, I thought I was going to have to put it in for him but he did it himself (yay Jose, I'll give you that)
Oh yah, my mom had her fun too when we were at Dillard's, she suggested that the next time we should go to a big people's museum at the Witti so since we were down the street and he didn't know how to get to it I was going to show him when I mentioned another bookstore being along the way. Needless to say, we stopped at the bookstore and Jose bought some more books. I love to read books but, dude, you're obsessed! NERD! :D We didn't go by the Witti we decided we had enough fun for one day so I called my mom and told her we were ready to meet her and that we were heading that way. As we drove back it came up somehow again about the power steering and I began to bag on him again and than I said the funniest thing, I told him,"I know this is going to sound nerdy, but this is so blog worthy," we both laughed before he begged me not to but I told him I would so he asked me to take it easy on him.
Just as we thought the fun was coming to an end, we see flashing lights behind us. I asked him is that for us? Just as he said I hope not, we hear the cop say to pull over to the right, it scared him so he swerved and then past a red light before pulling into a small parking lot right after the light. Before the cop came to the window we were both clueless, it turns out his car was reported stolen so we were both arrested! (Just kidding!) His right stop light was out so he pulled him over to warn him about it. He was asked for the usual and the cop checked him up on the computer real quick, as he did I laughed at Jose and told him for sure I would blog about it he agreed that I should, about the entire day, just than the cop came back and told us we were free to go.
Finally we made it to where we were going to meet my mom, we got there first so we sat in the car and talked some more until not long after, my mom came. He got off the car to meet her and ask for directions home, she told him how to get home and we were leaving the parking lot when Jose left me with one last thing to laugh about, as he reversed we all saw him almost hit this cement separation thing. Did you hit it? We really couldn't tell. =D Well we both made it home safe after our 4hours of non-stop fun and sarcasm. I really had fun, thanks. Maybe we should go to the "Big People's Museum." (I just had to get one last one in before the end of the day) =D
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Science of Love
Ok, this blog is short, sweet, and straight to the point more so for Jordan than any one else so if it seems questionably odd, that's why. 7 vs 3, could this be the explainantion?
Readers, you may not understand but this is still a very interesting thing, I recommend everyone to check out the link even if you don't know exactly what I mean.
This is a video called,"Science of Love."
You need to link to http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4148518&affil=koco (direct link to video).
Readers, you may not understand but this is still a very interesting thing, I recommend everyone to check out the link even if you don't know exactly what I mean.
This is a video called,"Science of Love."
You need to link to http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4148518&affil=koco (direct link to video).
Friday, January 18, 2008
End to the "R" Cliff hanger
First of all, sorry to all, I know that I haven't posted in a while and I may have left some of my readers in a cliffhanger about the whole "R" thing.
Back to the Ch: On Friday I sent "R" a very upset, civil, email explaining why I was upset with him and why I wasn't replying to his text. I saw him on Sunday at my cousin Eric's house. I was in his room with him talking when I got a phone call from my lil sis telling me to come out that "R" was there. The 1st thing I thought to myself was,"Oh God, now what is he going to say or do after the email?" I wasn't expecting to see or hear from him again so I was scared. As soon as I opened the door there, just down the semi dark hall he stood for a second before he saw me and started in my direction. I'll admit I was kind of afraid... We met half way down the hall and immediately he reached out his arms and gave me a BIG hug. Usually when I would try to hug him he seemed like he didn't want to, he would barely swing one arm around and pat me on the back as I would go for a full hug, boy would it make me feel stupid everytime. So of course, I was surprised, shocked, I hugged him back.
We went to join Eric in his room, as he played darts, "R" and I sat down and talked. We talked about his gf and things they have been up to and are planing on doing. I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed it. It was a very nice change compared to the way he was acting the previous week. He left before me but only went down the block to his dad's house.
Back ground: My other cousin(CM), Eric's mom, loves fish, at least she does now. (not to eat, real ones) Not too long ago we had a population overload of Guppies, a type of fish I like to refer to as,"The rabbits of the water." (I would say sea, but they are fresh water fish) To solve our problem we asked my cousin if she wanted some fish, she told us to take her some. We took about 6guppies to start her out and a little clear glass bowl to start her out until she would get her own. The next day when we talk to her the guppies were all she could talk about, we told her how we had so many that we couldn't even notice that the 6fish were gone, I mean there were just too many to count! She asked if she could have some more for her and some for her sis (CI) (my other cousin) since she had already given 3 of them away to (CI) like I said, it was a population overload so we agreed and took (CM) a cup scope full of fish for her and to share with (CI) We bought (CM) a small1/2gallon tank as a surprise her but as I said guppies=rabbits of the water=RW, to make a long story shorter, (CM) now owns a 10gallon tank.
Turns out, saddly, ALL of (CM's) fish died and another long story short, we were completely rid of RW's and started over with mixed Tretas=Trs. The funny thing is that we gave her 4 of our new Trs fish after discovering there was a lone baby RW survivor. I prepared another tank that we had at home, which we now gave to (CM), it's about 2gallons then my mom and I had to construct a lid out of an aluminum cake pan since we aren't sure what happened to the lid it came with. Afterwards I cleaned the 10gl tank (You could only imagine the pain in my back the next day however I'm not sure anyone would want to)
End to the Ch: As we left I sent "R" a text: We're heading home. It was nice talking2 u 2dA,thats how I hope our friendship will always be. :) and he sent me: Be careful see you around. which I followed with: U too. :) I was so happy, maybe we can have the friendship that I always wanted us to have. I really felt a great sense of relief and I feel like I am starting anew. It feels great, I feel great, hopefully this will be a great year all around...
Oh yah, Sam? Julie? what's going on with you? Sam you haven't posted a new blog and Julie, you haven't posted a comment on mine, is everything peachy kean jelly bean? Let me know what's up :)
Back to the Ch: On Friday I sent "R" a very upset, civil, email explaining why I was upset with him and why I wasn't replying to his text. I saw him on Sunday at my cousin Eric's house. I was in his room with him talking when I got a phone call from my lil sis telling me to come out that "R" was there. The 1st thing I thought to myself was,"Oh God, now what is he going to say or do after the email?" I wasn't expecting to see or hear from him again so I was scared. As soon as I opened the door there, just down the semi dark hall he stood for a second before he saw me and started in my direction. I'll admit I was kind of afraid... We met half way down the hall and immediately he reached out his arms and gave me a BIG hug. Usually when I would try to hug him he seemed like he didn't want to, he would barely swing one arm around and pat me on the back as I would go for a full hug, boy would it make me feel stupid everytime. So of course, I was surprised, shocked, I hugged him back.
We went to join Eric in his room, as he played darts, "R" and I sat down and talked. We talked about his gf and things they have been up to and are planing on doing. I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed it. It was a very nice change compared to the way he was acting the previous week. He left before me but only went down the block to his dad's house.
Back ground: My other cousin(CM), Eric's mom, loves fish, at least she does now. (not to eat, real ones) Not too long ago we had a population overload of Guppies, a type of fish I like to refer to as,"The rabbits of the water." (I would say sea, but they are fresh water fish) To solve our problem we asked my cousin if she wanted some fish, she told us to take her some. We took about 6guppies to start her out and a little clear glass bowl to start her out until she would get her own. The next day when we talk to her the guppies were all she could talk about, we told her how we had so many that we couldn't even notice that the 6fish were gone, I mean there were just too many to count! She asked if she could have some more for her and some for her sis (CI) (my other cousin) since she had already given 3 of them away to (CI) like I said, it was a population overload so we agreed and took (CM) a cup scope full of fish for her and to share with (CI) We bought (CM) a small1/2gallon tank as a surprise her but as I said guppies=rabbits of the water=RW, to make a long story shorter, (CM) now owns a 10gallon tank.
Turns out, saddly, ALL of (CM's) fish died and another long story short, we were completely rid of RW's and started over with mixed Tretas=Trs. The funny thing is that we gave her 4 of our new Trs fish after discovering there was a lone baby RW survivor. I prepared another tank that we had at home, which we now gave to (CM), it's about 2gallons then my mom and I had to construct a lid out of an aluminum cake pan since we aren't sure what happened to the lid it came with. Afterwards I cleaned the 10gl tank (You could only imagine the pain in my back the next day however I'm not sure anyone would want to)
End to the Ch: As we left I sent "R" a text: We're heading home. It was nice talking2 u 2dA,thats how I hope our friendship will always be. :) and he sent me: Be careful see you around. which I followed with: U too. :) I was so happy, maybe we can have the friendship that I always wanted us to have. I really felt a great sense of relief and I feel like I am starting anew. It feels great, I feel great, hopefully this will be a great year all around...
Oh yah, Sam? Julie? what's going on with you? Sam you haven't posted a new blog and Julie, you haven't posted a comment on mine, is everything peachy kean jelly bean? Let me know what's up :)
Monday, January 7, 2008
First blog of the New Year!!!
I'mmm Baaaaaaaaaaack...
Hello everyone did you miss me? I missed blogging, there were so many times that I just really wanted to run to my local library and go at it but obviously that's not as easy as it sounds.
So what did I do this break..? First of all let review my goals I set for the break, I did accomplish some of my goals:
1. I did clean my room and I mean CLEAN, I did a complete overhaul.
2. I finally was able to sleep comfortably. I could have still got more sleep than I did but still I tried and I managed to go without drinking coffee everyday so that shows improvement on my sleep time.
3. Opened lots of presents (I love my pj's and slippers from mi amor, Jordan-There green!) =)
4. Gave lots of presents :) (I was not able to see everyone on actual Christmas so I gave the day before, Christmas and I finally finished yesterday when I gave "R" his-A grey snoser stuffed animal which looked just like the one he use to have named "Boy." (Now I think that maybe I still shouldn't have even given it to him afterall, I'll explain why later on in this blog)
5. I read my monthly nerd magazines "Potential", "Spectrum", and some technology related articles from business weekly-which I don't think I will be renewing my subscription.
6. Definitely still stressing about returning to school.
So Recap on what happened this Christmas break:
Jordan and I had our ups and downs as usual only not like usual (not sure if that makes sense) Ok, we usually have little arguments here and there but we have one major one that almost ended our relationship. I'm not really wanting to get too into the details but it was about religion (a huge priority in my life) well anyways, things were pretty bad and I had to think hard about things. In the end I guess I just can't or don't want to let go just yet.
Jordan, I know our relationship is complicated honey but I'm glad that we worked things out I love you. Thanks for being there for me yesterday, I wish you really could be here maybe then things would be a little more bare able. (sigh) Oh well I'm still lucky to have you in my life one way or another, I keep thinking about when you were here and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I miss you so much, its not fair that we can't be together.
Yesterday I saw and was so upset, with "R" lately he had been acting like an A** ! Ok, for those which are familiar with my blog, my days of stressing out worrying about "R" are done. I mean, I don't even think that there are words to describe how pissed off I was I'm sooooooooooooo over trying to be nice with him, I have NEVER, EVER felt so stupid for caring. I actually asked him straight out, "do really want to be my friend or are you just saying that because lately you have been acting like a A**?" He said he wanted to still be my friend but I'm still not convinced if he truly wanted to be friends with me than why would he be acting this way with me?
I was with my cousin in his room and we were talking about our relations when "R" came in and ruined everything. Just as a side note "R" and my cousin Eric were best friends and they still talk once in a while. Well "R" started showing Eric his "myspace" claiming it to be better than "blogging" (because he knows that I blog but I haven't and won't give him my address to him) and then he linked over to his gf's "myspace." To me it seemed like he was trying to rub it in as he went on and on to Eric about her (while I was still in the room, loudly might I add) I didn't say anything, I really don't care! Ha,ha!
Jose Luis called me while I was there, by the thank you soooooooooooo much for that! I needed an escape from listening to "R." Once again, ha,ha, I think that it bothered "R" more that I was talking to someone than him trying to get me jealous with talking about his gf and showing off pictures(and that's cause I wasn't even trying). Anyways, "R" kept turning and looking over in my direction as I talked with Jose Luis then Jordan called... I switched over quickly to tell him I would call back cause Jose wanted to three-way, Jordan agreed and shortly I connected us. (sigh) I should have learned my lesson when I three-way called Sumo and Jordan(apparently not) I soon because lost in the nerd babble between Jose and Jordan. I think that "R" was getting even more annoyed with me talking to two guys instead of one, and he started being an A** again. He started playing with this Simpson toy of Flanders, on the back you push a button and it says,"There's always room for one more Flanders!" I didn't care that he kept pushing it and I told him that it didn't bothered me, I guess since it didn't bother me he just decided to try and annoy either Jose or Jordan as he held the stupid toy right at my mic on the phone. He kept pushing and pushing it and it started to get on Jordan's nerves so I pushed him away and he came back still doing pushing it so I ripped it out of his hand and went to sit on my cousins bed.
If that wasn't bad enough he started making fun the way I was breathing (I've always had really bad sinus problems where occasionally it feels like I can't breathe so I guess I sound funny) he would never make fun of me about this before because even my dad had the same problem as me. At first I didn't care that he was laughing I just ignored him until he saw that it was not bothering me so he started calling me names. Still I tried to ignore him but "R" just had to kept it up being the A** that he was or is. I continued to talk to Jose and Jordan than Jordan had to go for a while so I continued talking to Jose. "R" still kept up with the name calling and then he started imitating my breathing and that did bothered but I still said nothing. He kept going until finally I had enough, I said nothing, I got up, walk to the door, left, slamming the door behind me. I sat in the living room for probably no more than two mins when Jose had to go, we hung up and just than Jordan called. I told Jordan how upset I was with "R" and how badly I wanted to cry but there was nowhere to go and I didn't want anyone to see me, especially "R" (he probably would have really enjoyed that).
Shortly after that "R" came out of my cousins room, he talk to my mom about something really quick and than he said bye to everyone even me, I said bye but he knew that I was upset. A few mins later I got a text from him that said,"Hey didn't mean to piss u off. I want to be your friend but your gonna have to accept who and how I am sry for being me. See u later buddy."
My cousin Eric came out to the living room where I was and he told me that he was going to go take a shower, if I wanted to I could go talk in his room so I could have some privacy and when he came out we could talk some more. I'm pretty sure that he realized that I was upset, I almost couldn't stand it anymore so I took him up on his offer. I continued to talk to Jordan about what happened and how I was feeling, he told me that I needed to let it all out and just cry since I was going to be alone for a while(which doesn't happen too often) still I tried to hold it in but I gave up and cried a lot. Jordan was so great, he comforted me while I practically cried my eyes out.
Oh yah, surprise for me, my friend Bobbie(here's a surprise for my readers, Bobbie is actually a girl) called me from out of the green ;) perfect timing if you ask me, I told her that I really needed to talk to her later that I was going through something. I've been feeling so alone lately, it's not that I don't have friends, its just that most of them are boys it felt so good to hear from Bobbie, we go way back to fourth grade maybe I'll post about that someday. I told her that I would call her later because I needed to talk, it made me feel a lot better for a brief moment when she said that she's always there for me whenever I needed her I could just call.
Before we left my cousin's house I apologized for walking out, I told him that I wasn't mad at him and we talked about for a while and than we had to go home. On the drive home I told my mom how "R" was acting and it felt so good that she finally agreed with me that maybe I should just let him go his own way, I deserve better friends than that and I have them already so why waste my time on someone who is acting really childish and doesn't care anymore. Maybe I really should ignore him and just learn to be a little cold heart and finally let go.
Hello everyone did you miss me? I missed blogging, there were so many times that I just really wanted to run to my local library and go at it but obviously that's not as easy as it sounds.
So what did I do this break..? First of all let review my goals I set for the break, I did accomplish some of my goals:
1. I did clean my room and I mean CLEAN, I did a complete overhaul.
2. I finally was able to sleep comfortably. I could have still got more sleep than I did but still I tried and I managed to go without drinking coffee everyday so that shows improvement on my sleep time.
3. Opened lots of presents (I love my pj's and slippers from mi amor, Jordan-There green!) =)
4. Gave lots of presents :) (I was not able to see everyone on actual Christmas so I gave the day before, Christmas and I finally finished yesterday when I gave "R" his-A grey snoser stuffed animal which looked just like the one he use to have named "Boy." (Now I think that maybe I still shouldn't have even given it to him afterall, I'll explain why later on in this blog)
5. I read my monthly nerd magazines "Potential", "Spectrum", and some technology related articles from business weekly-which I don't think I will be renewing my subscription.
6. Definitely still stressing about returning to school.
So Recap on what happened this Christmas break:
Jordan and I had our ups and downs as usual only not like usual (not sure if that makes sense) Ok, we usually have little arguments here and there but we have one major one that almost ended our relationship. I'm not really wanting to get too into the details but it was about religion (a huge priority in my life) well anyways, things were pretty bad and I had to think hard about things. In the end I guess I just can't or don't want to let go just yet.
Jordan, I know our relationship is complicated honey but I'm glad that we worked things out I love you. Thanks for being there for me yesterday, I wish you really could be here maybe then things would be a little more bare able. (sigh) Oh well I'm still lucky to have you in my life one way or another, I keep thinking about when you were here and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I miss you so much, its not fair that we can't be together.
Yesterday I saw and was so upset, with "R" lately he had been acting like an A** ! Ok, for those which are familiar with my blog, my days of stressing out worrying about "R" are done. I mean, I don't even think that there are words to describe how pissed off I was I'm sooooooooooooo over trying to be nice with him, I have NEVER, EVER felt so stupid for caring. I actually asked him straight out, "do really want to be my friend or are you just saying that because lately you have been acting like a A**?" He said he wanted to still be my friend but I'm still not convinced if he truly wanted to be friends with me than why would he be acting this way with me?
I was with my cousin in his room and we were talking about our relations when "R" came in and ruined everything. Just as a side note "R" and my cousin Eric were best friends and they still talk once in a while. Well "R" started showing Eric his "myspace" claiming it to be better than "blogging" (because he knows that I blog but I haven't and won't give him my address to him) and then he linked over to his gf's "myspace." To me it seemed like he was trying to rub it in as he went on and on to Eric about her (while I was still in the room, loudly might I add) I didn't say anything, I really don't care! Ha,ha!
Jose Luis called me while I was there, by the thank you soooooooooooo much for that! I needed an escape from listening to "R." Once again, ha,ha, I think that it bothered "R" more that I was talking to someone than him trying to get me jealous with talking about his gf and showing off pictures(and that's cause I wasn't even trying). Anyways, "R" kept turning and looking over in my direction as I talked with Jose Luis then Jordan called... I switched over quickly to tell him I would call back cause Jose wanted to three-way, Jordan agreed and shortly I connected us. (sigh) I should have learned my lesson when I three-way called Sumo and Jordan(apparently not) I soon because lost in the nerd babble between Jose and Jordan. I think that "R" was getting even more annoyed with me talking to two guys instead of one, and he started being an A** again. He started playing with this Simpson toy of Flanders, on the back you push a button and it says,"There's always room for one more Flanders!" I didn't care that he kept pushing it and I told him that it didn't bothered me, I guess since it didn't bother me he just decided to try and annoy either Jose or Jordan as he held the stupid toy right at my mic on the phone. He kept pushing and pushing it and it started to get on Jordan's nerves so I pushed him away and he came back still doing pushing it so I ripped it out of his hand and went to sit on my cousins bed.
If that wasn't bad enough he started making fun the way I was breathing (I've always had really bad sinus problems where occasionally it feels like I can't breathe so I guess I sound funny) he would never make fun of me about this before because even my dad had the same problem as me. At first I didn't care that he was laughing I just ignored him until he saw that it was not bothering me so he started calling me names. Still I tried to ignore him but "R" just had to kept it up being the A** that he was or is. I continued to talk to Jose and Jordan than Jordan had to go for a while so I continued talking to Jose. "R" still kept up with the name calling and then he started imitating my breathing and that did bothered but I still said nothing. He kept going until finally I had enough, I said nothing, I got up, walk to the door, left, slamming the door behind me. I sat in the living room for probably no more than two mins when Jose had to go, we hung up and just than Jordan called. I told Jordan how upset I was with "R" and how badly I wanted to cry but there was nowhere to go and I didn't want anyone to see me, especially "R" (he probably would have really enjoyed that).
Shortly after that "R" came out of my cousins room, he talk to my mom about something really quick and than he said bye to everyone even me, I said bye but he knew that I was upset. A few mins later I got a text from him that said,"Hey didn't mean to piss u off. I want to be your friend but your gonna have to accept who and how I am sry for being me. See u later buddy."
My cousin Eric came out to the living room where I was and he told me that he was going to go take a shower, if I wanted to I could go talk in his room so I could have some privacy and when he came out we could talk some more. I'm pretty sure that he realized that I was upset, I almost couldn't stand it anymore so I took him up on his offer. I continued to talk to Jordan about what happened and how I was feeling, he told me that I needed to let it all out and just cry since I was going to be alone for a while(which doesn't happen too often) still I tried to hold it in but I gave up and cried a lot. Jordan was so great, he comforted me while I practically cried my eyes out.
Oh yah, surprise for me, my friend Bobbie(here's a surprise for my readers, Bobbie is actually a girl) called me from out of the green ;) perfect timing if you ask me, I told her that I really needed to talk to her later that I was going through something. I've been feeling so alone lately, it's not that I don't have friends, its just that most of them are boys it felt so good to hear from Bobbie, we go way back to fourth grade maybe I'll post about that someday. I told her that I would call her later because I needed to talk, it made me feel a lot better for a brief moment when she said that she's always there for me whenever I needed her I could just call.
Before we left my cousin's house I apologized for walking out, I told him that I wasn't mad at him and we talked about for a while and than we had to go home. On the drive home I told my mom how "R" was acting and it felt so good that she finally agreed with me that maybe I should just let him go his own way, I deserve better friends than that and I have them already so why waste my time on someone who is acting really childish and doesn't care anymore. Maybe I really should ignore him and just learn to be a little cold heart and finally let go.
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