Friday, November 30, 2007

Long Day

I really want to start this blog off by saying thanks Julie, you're comments always hit right at home. I know some, but not all, who knows...those some could be all. It makes me feel glad and sad at the same time knowing how much my blog means to you, I almost feel souly responsible for your sudden out burst but maybe you too have something deep down waiting to come out, who knows it maybe the same as me. (I hope not, no one should ever have to go through what I've suffered through- but still I count my blessing for what I do have and that I'm still here because some people can't say the same.) I just really can't explain everything and I think that's one of my big problems, I need to.
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Yesterday I went looking for Jose at the two usual places, when I discovered him not to be there I went to sit outside I figured the fresh air would do me some good.

I've been feeling really bad lately and I missed 2 classes because of my illness. Happiness is a good cure, it made me so happy to discover those who really are my friend instead just talking to me during class and ignoring me outside of class (which sadly has happened many times) I ran into my friend Al yesterday and he nicely said sarcastically, "Guess who didn't come to class?" Well dumb me, you could tell I was really out of it when, me, usually the one that picks up on sarcasm and frequently gives it, responded, "Who?" He just looked at me with a smile on his face and that look that says come on I'm being sarcastic. I finally snapped to it and briefly explained how I've been feeling sick. We said our goodbyes, departed.

Then as I was walking to library to hide out from see anyone else from class, I could see another friend, UG in the short distance. I thought of walking slower so that we wouldn't cross but I was spotted, I smiled to myself as he stopped and waited for me with a smile on his face as usual. Once again I had to explain about being sick. It was ok and nice that he cared as well.

Oh yah, why was I walking around for no apparent reason? As my nephew would say: Dodo Me, I forgot my cell, actually it feel out of my pocket. I tried calling my mom from a pay phone but it was not working (great just my luck) I told her an estimated time I would be out so I went outside where she usually gets me from, from 2:30- 3:15pm. Don't worry, I wasn't looking all dumb waiting there by myself the entire time, my friend Peru (not actual name) came along and we had a nice talk. I was reading Jose's Blog when he came and he showed me his. I showed him my blog (which I rarely do) He was waiting for someone and they came for him just as he asked me to go back to Jose's blog and he had to leave.

It was then that I tried my luck again with the pay (still no luck) but one girl that was walking by told me that I could use the phone at the front desk where I was, DUH!!! I never even thought of that, finally I contacted my mom and head back to my waiting spot this time for only about 15mins.

As I was walking towards our van, I heard my name being called. When I turned around it was my philosophy professor Dr. Mustain she asked me if I knew where Jose could be apparently he was just in her office and forgot his laptop of all things (lol!) I told her his normal places, she thanked me and I went off. Homeward bound at last!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Overload of Heartache

First of all I must warn all my readers, this is going to be an extremely long blog.

I’m soooooo upset. I’ve been upset a lot lately so I’m going to say everything and not hold anything back. Okay here goes…

It's Christmas time, it should be the happiest time of the year, but not for me... at least not anymore... Does anyone remember the post "Drift Away," it probably seemed like a simple little poem to those of you that read it or will be curious to go back to it; but it means so much more to me than that.

You see..."Drift Away" was written for one of my best friends at the time, Michelle (I know, weird that two of the blogs I read are from girls named Michelle) I hardly mention her anymore because it still hurts to think about it, Michelle passed away when we were in high school. If you haven't guessed it already, it was around Christmas time. I use to love Christmas so much and I still do to a certain point, every year I would turn on my radio to "soft rock 101.9" (now Q101.9) starting the day after Thanksgiving they would play nothing but Christmas songs, I loved it.

It was my favorite time of the year up until Michelle's passing, what would really get to me was when I would here certain songs especially "Come Home For Christmas," all I could think about while the song was playing was, how is her family doing with knowing that she couldn't come home. How were they? I had to fight back tears just thinking about her, imagine living with constant reminders of her (which I did because we were so close she would give me many little things which were scattered all over my room in plan sight) but her family had to live with non-stop reminders. I don't know how they could have ever survived without her. :(

Michelle was the first person to get me into hugging everyone at school, I thought it was weird at first but it felt really good. I didn't get a lot of hugs from my family so it was a new thing that I soon became addicted to it just suddenly came naturally to me; so much that Michelle and I would constantly get in trouble at school because we weren't suppose to be touching anyone even if it was in a friendly manor. As you could imagine we ignored the warnings and would hug all the time, every time we would see each other and I'm happy that we did because I will always have those memories.(And no one can ever take them away) =)

I always get sad and lonely around the Christmas, I just can't help it, I don't purposely think of her to make me sad she's just in the back of my mind and I guess she always will be.
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I’ve been thinking about “R” a lot lately and as usual I’m really worried about him. I called him on Thanksgiving to talk to him and see how he’s doing it was after 11:00PM. It took a while ringing so I figured he wasn’t going to answer when finally he did. He sound like he was tired and kind of frustrated, I reluctantly asked him if he was busy and he reply,” Yah, kind of.” I pretended like it didn't bother me and I told him I just wanted to see what he was doing and to say Happy Thanksgiving even if it was late. Then we said our goodbyes and I felt sad when we hung up.

I told Jordan about this and he said just what I feared, I’m guessing everyone can figure out what I’m getting at. What Jordan doesn’t know is that this really, really hurt my feelings to think of this. :’( I’m crying right now as I type this. All I can think is if he could do that with someone he barely knows and barely got with after everything we went through, does he really care? :’( Care about respecting himself, his new girlfriend, and me? :’(

I can’t fight back the tears any more; this really hurts me to think of that. :’( We had almost 4 years of an innocent relationship (sure we had our little crazy moments but nothing as extreme as what I’m thinking he’s doing now, not even close.) I really want to talk to him but I don’t know when that would be possible (I have a feeling I’ll just break down and cry badly making myself look like a fool or what if he just wouldn’t want to.) :’(

When I was thinking of breaking up with him the thought ran through my mind, could we really stay friends? I really wanted to but he didn’t, after we broke up he was depressed around me and he told me that it hurt being around me or even talking to me. :’( That really hurts me most of all, does that mean that he didn’t care about our friendship within the relationship? Did he just pretend to care about our conversations while we were together just so we could stay together?

Dam it “R!” You probably will never read this but you have no idea how much you hurt me! :’( When we broke up you would still come around granted you were all depressed but was it all just a show? :’( Yah, I was kind of relieved when we broke up and I felt happy that I didn’t have to hide how I felt, but that’s the problem, I still did. Up until this point I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I was over everything, but now I must come clean. Yah, I felt better when we broke up but I was hurting deep down because the way that our relationship took a turn in the wrong direction. :’( Dam you! Why can’t you understand that you weren’t the only that was hurt here! :’( You weren’t the only one that lost something you cared about! I lost you! :’( I loved you! The way we were together and the way we talked about things of the future, I really thought that someday I would marry you! :’( I tried so hard to make things work between us and you just didn’t see that. Throughout everything people would try telling to leave you for different reasons and I would just ignore them because I wanted to work things out with you! :’(

After we broke up and we watched our video that day that we both broke down crying in my room; we decided to start over and that’s when we went on those dates to see if there was still something there. The first date I felt the difference that was in you, you had already gone back to drinking and you just weren’t the same but still I went on another because I thought maybe, just maybe we could work things out and get back together dispite the heartache and confusion I was going through towards the end. It wasn’t until the third date (that you kind of snuck up me on after church), that was the day that I really realized that I lost you for good; you weren’t the same at all. :’( You told me straight out that if I wanted to get back together that I had to take you as you were, that you weren’t going to change anymore (this included all the drinking among other things-not drugs, or at least not that I know of) and I knew that I didn’t want anyone that would drink before so why was I going to jeopardize my wants and needs so I could watch you destroy yourself!? :’( I realized I had to let you go. :’( You told me ever since we broke up that you still loved me and wanted to get back together then why didn’t you act like it? You said that you thought that we were just going to be separated for a little while and then get back together then why did you act so different. If you really wanted me still, why did you do everything that you knew wouldn’t get us back together!? Why did you push me away? :’(

Now here I am, left out again, sad, depressed and alone with no shoulder to cry on and no one to hold me as I so badly need. My poor niece and nephew take way too many hugs from me and I know that sometimes I hold them too tight or too long that they start to scwarm out of my embrace. Back in high school, all my friends would hug me on a daily bases every time we would see each other and I think even that wasn’t enough. I'm so hug deprived. :(

I seriously need some therapy for so many things, too many things, I wish that I could just sit down with someone for one whole day and just talk about everything. Just to let everything go would be so nice. -(small smile of wishful thinking) I think that if it wouldn’t be for my belief in God, I wouldn’t be here today; I would have been long gone. I know that God has some purpose for me and I just can’t give up on that, that’s my only hope. Even my family is too distant from me, they never were really there(they were there physcally but not in the sense that I needed them). Right now I teach the children’s class at my church and I always think of the children, I can’t leave them they need me and somewhere out there someone else needs me too and when I think of this; I don’t just think there’s a God, I know. :' )

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Short Blog

Can't really post today but I will write something tonight and post it tomorow trust me there's a lot going on right now it'll be worth it. ;) (Julie you'll probably really enjoy this)
Jordan, it'll explain a lot about the way I've been lately. I love you! 394!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just A Dream..?

Ever since Jordan and I met up again back in October during Fall break, I sometimes have to stop and think about it… could it all have been just a dream? I often get that strange feeling, everything was so great and almost perfect; could it have been too good to be true or could it have all been just a dream? Where do we cross the line between knowing and thinking? Could Jordan being here for those three wonderful days, had just been my hopes so strong of it coming true that I no long understand the difference between reality and fantasy? If in fact that is what it is, could this be realities pay back for tricking Doh and not telling him about Jordan being here? [Oh yah, I forgot to mention that Doh (although denies everything) is not very fund of Jordan so for Jordan’s safety and happiness we decided not to tell him that he was here.]

I know that this may seem weird, maybe even for me but I just can’t stop these thoughts from entering my head and it seems like most recently these thoughts have been tormenting my life. [Not so much the part about Doh] I mean seriously can anyone tell me how and when we ACTUALLY know the difference?

This scares me, what if in fact it was just a dream, what if THIS is just a dream as well and I’m really some nut job wear all white sitting in a padded room somewhere? Even if I’m not, all these thoughts may soon get me a one way ticket there. (lol) Straight to the loony bin for me! HA! HA! HA!

I’m not feeling well today, my stomach is really bothering me and I feel drained out. I just want to go to sleep right now but I know that will be impossible for now. Maybe later I'll get some sleep, MAYBE... :(

Monday, November 26, 2007

I'm BAAAAAAAAAACK...! :D

I see that I haven't gotten any new comments, sorry everyone, don't be upset...I have 4 drafts that I just haven't gotten around to posting. I also noticed that I've only received feeds from two, where are you (you know I'm talking to you) Well I have word that Jose will be posting soon so if anyone is interested in controversy..? This is kind of short but I'll be back with the scoop tomorrow on what's been going on in my life and what I did over the Thanksgiving holiday. [hint: I went to Sumo's house] (nothing happened except two friends catching up and hanging out... to be continued...

Jordan, thank you for finally posting I know we talk everyday but I really want read what's going on since we don't always talk about everything. FY, 394 =)

Friday, November 16, 2007

Brain Wipe2

Just got out of IEEE meeting followed by Robotics. Not good, we did not complete the circuit for the line follower project that we were working on. We wired everything and then we began to have the problem.(we thought it was one of the pots but apparently not) My brains dead... to be continued...

Monday, November 12, 2007

Trip to downtown :'(

Just so everyone knows, I never posted on the subject to tell you that Jordan and I made it offical and we have been boyfriend-girlfriend since October 18th when he came to San Antonio.

On Saturday we took our van to the shop to get a leak repaired, the mechanics told us that it would be ready in about 4hours so rather than waiting(it was before 9am. and we hadn't had breakfast) we walked to a resturant that was adjacent to the shop. That didn't take too long so we crossed the street and took the bus to downtown(not far from where we were) my fear of returning downtown came true, we walked right in front of the hotel (several times as if I was meant to be tormented) which Jordan stayed at during fall break.

Right away, my heart sunk and I felt like I just wanted to cry right then and there. If that wasn't bad enough we stood waiting for a troll to come, right on the side of the hotel and my mom kept bring up fall break when Jordan was around(that only made things worse for me), there was a bridge there and we all looked down and there was the river floor exit of the hotel where Jordan and I went through several times, I fought back the tears as I am now.

That still wasn't the hard part, when we got on the troll we all sat in the exact same spot where Jordan and I sat (mom my and sisters choice) as we rode around my mom continued to ask questions about when Jordan was around and when/ if him and his family were going to come back. I don't know was all that I could muster out without my the sound of sadness being able to be deteched in my voice.

I talked to Jordan about the whole thing (there was more, much more but I really don't want to cry at the moment) and he felt so sad for me, with me. I could tell in his voice that he was as sad as I was about not knowing when and if we will see each other again.

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In case anyone's wondering what's going on with us we were doing pretty good, until now. I told Jordan that I talked to my cousin ("R's" bestfriend) and I let him know that I wasn't upset about "R" because I already had Jordan but what Jordan doesn't know yet, last night I told my mom about us being together(before Jordan and I talked on the phone until it was time to go to bed. Yay, no not really. :( Jordan, I'm sorry honey that I didn't tell you first, but I just didn't know how to. I always thought of it that when I would tell her, I would be all excited and that would be one of the first thing that I would want tell you.

As you could see where this is going, things did not go as well as I would have thought( where my mom would want to know all the details, when, where, ect...) This would be her normal reaction as with all my previous relationships. I love my mom and we're really close so I value her opinion very much and I wanted her to be curious and happy for me. That was not the case, she basically confirmed my worse fears.

To my surprise, my mom sort of scolded with a mini lecture on how this will never work out. I had tears in my eyes which I had to fight back as we pulled into our driveway, because I know my mom so well, it seemed to me like she was frustrated and kind of disappointed in me. (and that's what really hurt the most) She hit on some really strong points that I originally had and that brought a deep sense of sadness to my heart as I thought of everything that Jordan and I have been going through.

I still feel so sad right now. She reminded me of the age difference and the distance(Ponca City,Oklahoma and San Antonio,Texas) She told me that that is not a way to be with someone because we really aren't together. She told me that we could never really learn enough about each other over the phone, we'll never know how we are really feeling when we talk on the phone. We could sound a certain way and then be feeling another way which we would only know if we could see each others facial expression.

As usual, mom is so right :'( Yesterday I kind of didn't want to call Jordan because I just wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I knew if I didn't call, he would so I called him. The whole time that we were talking, Jordan didn't know that I was holding back the tears in my eyes. Because he couldn't see me, he went on talking as if everything was fine, when it really wasn't. After we ended our conversation I really wanted to release those tears that were still in my eyes but instead I still held them in and went to take a shower. I took a long shower and in the course of the time I was in there I let it all out and just cried. When I came out I wanted to cry myself to sleep but it felt like I just didn't have the strength to, hopelessly, I fell asleep with sadness in my heart and the thought of my mom's disappointment in me.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Made in China much longer?

I heard about this on Good Morning America this morning and it really bothered me to find out that yet another toy recall had been brought to the public eye. I'm starting to really think about this and wonder if this is more than, just a series of ascendants as we are told. Today, probably even yesterday but I didn't get a chance to see the news, it was announced that the now booming popular toy "Aqua Dots" have been added to the list of most recent recalls.

For anyone reading that has not heard of this below is the actual report that I heard this morning. I don't have kids (obviously that's not possible until the far future) but have a niece, a nephew, and plenty of younger cousins that like to follow the new toy craze. This really worries me to even think that any of them could have easily had access to this toy which contains a chemical so dangerous that there have been several reports of children appearing drug and disoriented and in many of the cases the result much more serious to where the kids fall into a comae. The chemical that was found in the spray which holds the "Aqua Dots" together contained a substance which is commonly found in the "Date Rape Drug." Now this is where I question once again, was this an ascendant?

After all the recent recalls I wonder why are we still doing business half way across the world? Just for the government and major corperations to save a few bucks by exploting sweat shop workers in china, but at what cost? What real cost, the saftey of our child here in America? I'm sorry but I don't find this exceptable, something must be done. I think that China has slipped up one too many times and dispite their "suppose it" extra percaustions and paying more attention so that these little mistakes would not happen again. Let me remind you, the only differents that was noticable was ONE chemical that was specifically told to the makers not to be included because of it's harmful effects.

So I leave all those which read this with this question should we trust the saftey of our children in the hands of China toy makers? Please post comments, I doubt it, but I wonder if I may possibly be over reacting to the whole situation.

The link to the article:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Consumer/story?id=3837091

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Toxic Tears

This article was sent to me by my now boyfriend Jordan when we had been sharing deep dark secrets which no one else knows about. Well we cry a lot together and later we felt a lot better so Jordan being the nerd that he is looked up the cause of our sudden relief.
Jordan I just love how nerdy you are. I love you!

Here's the link that will take you straight to the article:
<http://www.thirdage.com/healthgate/files/14240.html>

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Troubles with Jordan

I seriously thought that I had this great weight lifted from me when “R” told me that he found someone else, I mean come on it has been over 7months now, I wasn’t moping around so I didn’t want him to be. I guess it kind of seems selfish or maybe not, I don’t know… Well I thought that I could feel even better about what happened between Jordan and I during our almost perfect fall break we spent together BUT that wasn’t the case, as usual here I am having to complicate things. L Hum.. (deep breath) Ok, here’s what happened, I was feeling all sorts of happy after I heard the news, I mean for the rest of the day I was feeling great.

It started getting late and that’s when it happened, it dawned on me… I thought that I could move on since he said that he was already with his new girlfriend for three weeks already, yay, Jordan was here a little over 2 weeks. Man! I would have really enjoyed being with Jordan a lot more if it wasn’t for that guilt. I know this seems weird of me to feel like this, most girls wouldn’t even give it a second thought, you’re forgetting, I’m not like most girls. I actually meant it when I said I wanted us to still be friends, so I felt bad. That sucks! Who knows if he even thought of me? I mean, I didn’t want him back, he changed way beyond what I’m looking for in my guy, it’s just since I broke it off he would always make it seem like poor him I was the bad guy for breaking his heart and not getting back with him after 3 dates. Remember I did feel the guilt so it was working, but come on..!

He got with someone first and didn’t even want to tell me about it. I should have the feeling like I could move on but that is still not the case, I’m not sure if I can move on because of Jordan, it seems like we make the almost perfect couple but he’s just so far away from me.(sigh) I miss Jordan so much and for the first time through this whole thing, I feel envy towards “R,” he can move on and he has. I still can’t, Jordan and I can say that we’re together but we’re really not physically together. “R” has his girlfriend and they can enjoy being with each other and what do Jordan and I have, telephone conversations and the memories of those three great days we spent together over fall break. L Before that all we had were first- letters back and forth, telephone conversations, and the faded memory of the first time we met over a year and a half ago.

I feel so sad, should I really give up on Jordan because of the distance? Most people reading this would probably have no problem saying, “Yah, it’s too far to be together, just stop things now and eventually you’ll meet someone else and things will work out with that person in the long run.” I would probably tell myself the same thing but the only difference is that I know my heart. There are things that tell me that I wouldn’t find anyone more perfect for me than Jordan no one would ever believe me if I told them all the things that we do the same, sometimes the similarities are enough for me to think that I found my soul mate. I know that may seem like such a childish thing for me to say but that thought never even crossed my mind before Jordan, I never even felt this strong of a connection with anyone else not even “R” and we were together for almost for years and friends over a year before that.

I’m just afraid that if in fact I do have my soul mate here and just let him go because of the distance than neither of us will ever be truly happy. But if we aren’t and we let go now maybe we would still have a chance at finding our true love (if that such thing really exists) I don’t know what to do about this, could we be depriving ourselves of true happiness in hopes of holding on to something that neither of us are sure will even work out?

I really love Jordan and I know he really loves me too but I just don’t know which choice would hurt less. It seems, to me, that we just live in two completely different worlds and our worlds could never possibly come together. I don’t know what to do, this is causing me so much physical and mental pain. Anyone have a suggestion? Please post on the subject and don’t worry about hurt my feelings, be brutal it couldn’t possibly get any worse than what I’m going through at the moment, it may just be what I need.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Worried about"R"

When I broke up with “R” I told him that I still wanted to be friends and here’s the weird things for everyone to understand, I actually meant it. At first we would still talk on the phone and he would still come over to my house with all my family and watch movies just like we use to the only difference was that we would actually watch the entire movie rather than sneaking off in between to get a little make out time for a while. ;)

Then we even tried going out on dates to maybe see if there was something still there but that was a bust. After I told him that I didn’t like who he had become and basically that he changed too much far beyond the possibility of reconciliation(in a much nicer way of course), he stopped calling and I got worried about him. So one day I called him to see how he was, it seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me and he told me as we were getting off the phone, if it would be a while before we talked again not to worry about him that he would be fine.

It had been a good while again so I decided to call him, this time when I ask him how he was doing he answered to my surprise that he was actually doing pretty good, really good. I asked him what happened and he said that he couldn’t tell me then, that he would tell later.

Saturday I called him again when I was at my cousin’s house, “R’s” best friend, he said that he was helping a friend with a new roof so he would go over later. It started getting late and I thought that he wasn’t going but he did. He went to talk to my cousin in his room and after a while he came out and said he had to go. He then asked me if he could talk to me outside for a little bit, real quick, if I wanted to, of course I was curious so I went.

He told me that that he,” kind of met someone,” I thought that was great, I had no problem with it. I told him that it was good that he found someone and that I wasn’t upset with him. He seemed sad about telling and I’m not sure why, if he was happy with her(I don’t know her name) why was he so sad? Of course this didn’t dawn on me until much later after he left and I was feeling like I was in the greatest mood every in a long time. The reason for this, my first reaction was that I no longer had to feel guilty about how well Jordan and I are while “R” is still alone and depressed about our break up(I know, I was being selfish, I wasn’t completely happy for him only)

Well he told me that they met about a month before they got together and when they met things started out as just friends, not even that he said that he was trying to be an a** on purpose because he didn’t want to meet anyone and she still wanted to talk to him. Another thing, she had a boyfriend at the time. Does anyone see where I’m going with this, and why I’m still worried about “R”?

I’m worried that they may both be using each other to get over their ex-relationships, anyone else thinking what I’m thinking, rebound? Another red flag for me was that he said that he talks about me and brings things up about me and things we did together(happy things), all the time and get this, so does she with her ex-boyfriend. Call me crazy, but that is not something that two people really truly happy with each other would do. I know that I don’t do that unless I’m trying to make a point about something, other than that the sad truth is that I hardly think about my ex-boyfriends including “R”.

That’s why I can’t shake the feeling that something’s not right here, why do I keep thinking about “R?” I know that I’m not jealous of his new girlfriend; I don’t want to get back with him even when I was by myself I was far happier than how things were going at the end of our relationship, off and on throughout our entire relationship(“R”). I really just care about “R” so much as a friend that I just don’t want to see him hurt and I’m afraid that if he’s in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, to get over me, than he will end up hurt; especially if I’m right about the whole thing being a rebound.

I don’t know what to do, I’m just so worried about “R” more than anything, now I have a new sense of guilt hanging over my shoulders, should I confront him about my worries or just let it be? If he get’s hurt and I said nothing, does that make me partly to blame for not talking to him about this fear of mine? Please post your comments, I need all the help I can get!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Geting interesting...

Thanks to everyone who has been posting their comments. You're really making my blogs seem more interesting, I like it! Sam, I was just thinking are you in IEEE? If so you could comment on articles from for your blog. Well I just had a test and I pulled an all-nighter just to finish my paper due today so I'm going home now. Bye everyone!