Overload of Heartache

First of all I must warn all my readers, this is going to be an extremely long blog.

I’m soooooo upset. I’ve been upset a lot lately so I’m going to say everything and not hold anything back. Okay here goes…

It's Christmas time, it should be the happiest time of the year, but not for me... at least not anymore... Does anyone remember the post "Drift Away," it probably seemed like a simple little poem to those of you that read it or will be curious to go back to it; but it means so much more to me than that.

You see..."Drift Away" was written for one of my best friends at the time, Michelle (I know, weird that two of the blogs I read are from girls named Michelle) I hardly mention her anymore because it still hurts to think about it, Michelle passed away when we were in high school. If you haven't guessed it already, it was around Christmas time. I use to love Christmas so much and I still do to a certain point, every year I would turn on my radio to "soft rock 101.9" (now Q101.9) starting the day after Thanksgiving they would play nothing but Christmas songs, I loved it.

It was my favorite time of the year up until Michelle's passing, what would really get to me was when I would here certain songs especially "Come Home For Christmas," all I could think about while the song was playing was, how is her family doing with knowing that she couldn't come home. How were they? I had to fight back tears just thinking about her, imagine living with constant reminders of her (which I did because we were so close she would give me many little things which were scattered all over my room in plan sight) but her family had to live with non-stop reminders. I don't know how they could have ever survived without her. :(

Michelle was the first person to get me into hugging everyone at school, I thought it was weird at first but it felt really good. I didn't get a lot of hugs from my family so it was a new thing that I soon became addicted to it just suddenly came naturally to me; so much that Michelle and I would constantly get in trouble at school because we weren't suppose to be touching anyone even if it was in a friendly manor. As you could imagine we ignored the warnings and would hug all the time, every time we would see each other and I'm happy that we did because I will always have those memories.(And no one can ever take them away) =)

I always get sad and lonely around the Christmas, I just can't help it, I don't purposely think of her to make me sad she's just in the back of my mind and I guess she always will be.
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I’ve been thinking about “R” a lot lately and as usual I’m really worried about him. I called him on Thanksgiving to talk to him and see how he’s doing it was after 11:00PM. It took a while ringing so I figured he wasn’t going to answer when finally he did. He sound like he was tired and kind of frustrated, I reluctantly asked him if he was busy and he reply,” Yah, kind of.” I pretended like it didn't bother me and I told him I just wanted to see what he was doing and to say Happy Thanksgiving even if it was late. Then we said our goodbyes and I felt sad when we hung up.

I told Jordan about this and he said just what I feared, I’m guessing everyone can figure out what I’m getting at. What Jordan doesn’t know is that this really, really hurt my feelings to think of this. :’( I’m crying right now as I type this. All I can think is if he could do that with someone he barely knows and barely got with after everything we went through, does he really care? :’( Care about respecting himself, his new girlfriend, and me? :’(

I can’t fight back the tears any more; this really hurts me to think of that. :’( We had almost 4 years of an innocent relationship (sure we had our little crazy moments but nothing as extreme as what I’m thinking he’s doing now, not even close.) I really want to talk to him but I don’t know when that would be possible (I have a feeling I’ll just break down and cry badly making myself look like a fool or what if he just wouldn’t want to.) :’(

When I was thinking of breaking up with him the thought ran through my mind, could we really stay friends? I really wanted to but he didn’t, after we broke up he was depressed around me and he told me that it hurt being around me or even talking to me. :’( That really hurts me most of all, does that mean that he didn’t care about our friendship within the relationship? Did he just pretend to care about our conversations while we were together just so we could stay together?

Dam it “R!” You probably will never read this but you have no idea how much you hurt me! :’( When we broke up you would still come around granted you were all depressed but was it all just a show? :’( Yah, I was kind of relieved when we broke up and I felt happy that I didn’t have to hide how I felt, but that’s the problem, I still did. Up until this point I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I was over everything, but now I must come clean. Yah, I felt better when we broke up but I was hurting deep down because the way that our relationship took a turn in the wrong direction. :’( Dam you! Why can’t you understand that you weren’t the only that was hurt here! :’( You weren’t the only one that lost something you cared about! I lost you! :’( I loved you! The way we were together and the way we talked about things of the future, I really thought that someday I would marry you! :’( I tried so hard to make things work between us and you just didn’t see that. Throughout everything people would try telling to leave you for different reasons and I would just ignore them because I wanted to work things out with you! :’(

After we broke up and we watched our video that day that we both broke down crying in my room; we decided to start over and that’s when we went on those dates to see if there was still something there. The first date I felt the difference that was in you, you had already gone back to drinking and you just weren’t the same but still I went on another because I thought maybe, just maybe we could work things out and get back together dispite the heartache and confusion I was going through towards the end. It wasn’t until the third date (that you kind of snuck up me on after church), that was the day that I really realized that I lost you for good; you weren’t the same at all. :’( You told me straight out that if I wanted to get back together that I had to take you as you were, that you weren’t going to change anymore (this included all the drinking among other things-not drugs, or at least not that I know of) and I knew that I didn’t want anyone that would drink before so why was I going to jeopardize my wants and needs so I could watch you destroy yourself!? :’( I realized I had to let you go. :’( You told me ever since we broke up that you still loved me and wanted to get back together then why didn’t you act like it? You said that you thought that we were just going to be separated for a little while and then get back together then why did you act so different. If you really wanted me still, why did you do everything that you knew wouldn’t get us back together!? Why did you push me away? :’(

Now here I am, left out again, sad, depressed and alone with no shoulder to cry on and no one to hold me as I so badly need. My poor niece and nephew take way too many hugs from me and I know that sometimes I hold them too tight or too long that they start to scwarm out of my embrace. Back in high school, all my friends would hug me on a daily bases every time we would see each other and I think even that wasn’t enough. I'm so hug deprived. :(

I seriously need some therapy for so many things, too many things, I wish that I could just sit down with someone for one whole day and just talk about everything. Just to let everything go would be so nice. -(small smile of wishful thinking) I think that if it wouldn’t be for my belief in God, I wouldn’t be here today; I would have been long gone. I know that God has some purpose for me and I just can’t give up on that, that’s my only hope. Even my family is too distant from me, they never were really there(they were there physcally but not in the sense that I needed them). Right now I teach the children’s class at my church and I always think of the children, I can’t leave them they need me and somewhere out there someone else needs me too and when I think of this; I don’t just think there’s a God, I know. :' )