Troubles with Jordan

I seriously thought that I had this great weight lifted from me when “R” told me that he found someone else, I mean come on it has been over 7months now, I wasn’t moping around so I didn’t want him to be. I guess it kind of seems selfish or maybe not, I don’t know… Well I thought that I could feel even better about what happened between Jordan and I during our almost perfect fall break we spent together BUT that wasn’t the case, as usual here I am having to complicate things. L Hum.. (deep breath) Ok, here’s what happened, I was feeling all sorts of happy after I heard the news, I mean for the rest of the day I was feeling great.

It started getting late and that’s when it happened, it dawned on me… I thought that I could move on since he said that he was already with his new girlfriend for three weeks already, yay, Jordan was here a little over 2 weeks. Man! I would have really enjoyed being with Jordan a lot more if it wasn’t for that guilt. I know this seems weird of me to feel like this, most girls wouldn’t even give it a second thought, you’re forgetting, I’m not like most girls. I actually meant it when I said I wanted us to still be friends, so I felt bad. That sucks! Who knows if he even thought of me? I mean, I didn’t want him back, he changed way beyond what I’m looking for in my guy, it’s just since I broke it off he would always make it seem like poor him I was the bad guy for breaking his heart and not getting back with him after 3 dates. Remember I did feel the guilt so it was working, but come on..!

He got with someone first and didn’t even want to tell me about it. I should have the feeling like I could move on but that is still not the case, I’m not sure if I can move on because of Jordan, it seems like we make the almost perfect couple but he’s just so far away from me.(sigh) I miss Jordan so much and for the first time through this whole thing, I feel envy towards “R,” he can move on and he has. I still can’t, Jordan and I can say that we’re together but we’re really not physically together. “R” has his girlfriend and they can enjoy being with each other and what do Jordan and I have, telephone conversations and the memories of those three great days we spent together over fall break. L Before that all we had were first- letters back and forth, telephone conversations, and the faded memory of the first time we met over a year and a half ago.

I feel so sad, should I really give up on Jordan because of the distance? Most people reading this would probably have no problem saying, “Yah, it’s too far to be together, just stop things now and eventually you’ll meet someone else and things will work out with that person in the long run.” I would probably tell myself the same thing but the only difference is that I know my heart. There are things that tell me that I wouldn’t find anyone more perfect for me than Jordan no one would ever believe me if I told them all the things that we do the same, sometimes the similarities are enough for me to think that I found my soul mate. I know that may seem like such a childish thing for me to say but that thought never even crossed my mind before Jordan, I never even felt this strong of a connection with anyone else not even “R” and we were together for almost for years and friends over a year before that.

I’m just afraid that if in fact I do have my soul mate here and just let him go because of the distance than neither of us will ever be truly happy. But if we aren’t and we let go now maybe we would still have a chance at finding our true love (if that such thing really exists) I don’t know what to do about this, could we be depriving ourselves of true happiness in hopes of holding on to something that neither of us are sure will even work out?

I really love Jordan and I know he really loves me too but I just don’t know which choice would hurt less. It seems, to me, that we just live in two completely different worlds and our worlds could never possibly come together. I don’t know what to do, this is causing me so much physical and mental pain. Anyone have a suggestion? Please post on the subject and don’t worry about hurt my feelings, be brutal it couldn’t possibly get any worse than what I’m going through at the moment, it may just be what I need.