Yesterday I went over to my cousin’s house to celebrate her b-day. We her a dinner and chocolate cup cakes and we watched a movie. I ended up having to baby-sit my little cousin, niece, and nephew. I got a call from one of my managers and he heard all the noise and I explained how I was baby-sitting so I didn’t get a chance to do any phone time. I think that she really enjoyed us there celebrating her b-day since no one else even bothered, ok, they brought her a German Chocolate cake (which they really like, she doesn’t)
While at my cousin’s house Jordan called me and we needed to talk about something from a few days ago (too weird and personal to explain) We talked about it and everything was fine, then we started to really talk about things that had been going on for a while now. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but lately I’ve been more straight forward then usual so I told him straight out all the things that have been bothering me lately. He apologized a numerous amount of times but that’s part of the problem, I’ve been overlooking so many things lately simply with his apologies and promises to try. This time I had enough, as we talked he tried to explain what’s been going on and he dug himself in deeper. The more he tried to explain, the worse things became. Sadly I told Jordan I’m tired of this, and this time it’s really over. I think that I gave it a pretty good try and I gave him extra chances than I said I would.
I got up the nerve earlier today to tell my mom about the brake up without getting into details. The last time that Jordan and I sort of broke up we didn’t tell our families and we thought that we were do so to save ourselves from each ourselves, maybe we had the right idea the first time… I’m just sorry the way things ended, I was really upset with Jordan and I think I was harsh.
Jordan: I’m sorry, I really loved you all this time and it just hurt me all that much more that’s why I said if we still talk we can’t say I love you, it will be all the more harder on both of us. Right now, since it happened I just feel this weirdness, a strange pain inside but for some strange reason I also feel strong, and I know everything is going to be alright. I hope we’ll stay friends as we started out, I really want to still be there for you with everything going on in your life, I’m still here, I still care.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
God's sense of humor :)
God loves all his little children, but who does he love more? This was the question that was brought up today between Sumo and I when we sort of had a little bet going, for some strange reason I can never remember Sumo’s B-day until there’s just a week left before it and I have to remind myself daily so I won’t forget.
Well Sumo and I were joking about something and it came down to when is Sumo’s B-day? I remember the month but I forget the day so I said the wrong day, and after saying another wrong day, Sumo had an idea of an “agreement” giving me two more chances to guess correctly or I would have to do something, don’t worry, nothing bad, no funny business. Well I was thinking I was pretty much screwed, it was in the back of my mind but sadly I couldn’t remember as usual. I started thinking really hard and once again I guessed wrong.
One more chance left and I started thinking really hard, I had a number in my head but I was afraid of guessing wrong so I didn’t say it. We both laughed at how hard I thought of this, he even gave me a hint which helped me to know it was possible that I might have been correct yet still I doubted myself and still said nothing.
Just then I told him I had a number in my head but I was afraid to say, and Sumo said,” If God loves me, you’ll get this wrong.” It was funny how he said it and I still was doubting, so I still said nothing. I joined in saying things that I’ve done for God, through church, to deserve to win, in a joking matter of course (we all know God doesn’t play favorites)
Well here’s where Sumo began bargaining with God to let me guess wrong but he started with, “Oh baby Jesus…” (like Ricky Bobby) as he counted down time for me to answer and I started laughing so hard and I was rolling around on my bed. Yes, this was Sumo’s dorkyness at it’s finest-as stated by Sumo himself. He continued on to saying he would go to church every Sunday (which he normally misses 2 or 3 weeks in a roll) Well, just then, something clicked in my head and I realized that I was wrong, I remembered the day but when he came to the end of his count down I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t answer, oh, the things he said… Now that was “foony!”
Finally I calmed down and said my last guess and there was just silence for a moment… he told me it was wrong, then quickly he told the truth that I was right. Then he said that proved God loved me more, but I corrected him and told him it was because God knew he was lying about going to church every Sunday. That’s God’s sense of humor for ya, he knows when you’re telling the truth, how else could it be explained why I, so wrong, yet sincere, realized the correct answer as Sumo trying to lie..?
God truly does have a sense of humor, and he loves us all equally however if you try to lie to him…God will slightly play favorites at times to show who you’re messing with. ;)
Well Sumo and I were joking about something and it came down to when is Sumo’s B-day? I remember the month but I forget the day so I said the wrong day, and after saying another wrong day, Sumo had an idea of an “agreement” giving me two more chances to guess correctly or I would have to do something, don’t worry, nothing bad, no funny business. Well I was thinking I was pretty much screwed, it was in the back of my mind but sadly I couldn’t remember as usual. I started thinking really hard and once again I guessed wrong.
One more chance left and I started thinking really hard, I had a number in my head but I was afraid of guessing wrong so I didn’t say it. We both laughed at how hard I thought of this, he even gave me a hint which helped me to know it was possible that I might have been correct yet still I doubted myself and still said nothing.
Just then I told him I had a number in my head but I was afraid to say, and Sumo said,” If God loves me, you’ll get this wrong.” It was funny how he said it and I still was doubting, so I still said nothing. I joined in saying things that I’ve done for God, through church, to deserve to win, in a joking matter of course (we all know God doesn’t play favorites)
Well here’s where Sumo began bargaining with God to let me guess wrong but he started with, “Oh baby Jesus…” (like Ricky Bobby) as he counted down time for me to answer and I started laughing so hard and I was rolling around on my bed. Yes, this was Sumo’s dorkyness at it’s finest-as stated by Sumo himself. He continued on to saying he would go to church every Sunday (which he normally misses 2 or 3 weeks in a roll) Well, just then, something clicked in my head and I realized that I was wrong, I remembered the day but when he came to the end of his count down I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t answer, oh, the things he said… Now that was “foony!”
Finally I calmed down and said my last guess and there was just silence for a moment… he told me it was wrong, then quickly he told the truth that I was right. Then he said that proved God loved me more, but I corrected him and told him it was because God knew he was lying about going to church every Sunday. That’s God’s sense of humor for ya, he knows when you’re telling the truth, how else could it be explained why I, so wrong, yet sincere, realized the correct answer as Sumo trying to lie..?
God truly does have a sense of humor, and he loves us all equally however if you try to lie to him…God will slightly play favorites at times to show who you’re messing with. ;)
Sunday, March 23, 2008
It's Easter and feelin' girly
Yay! Today was Easter Sunday! Today is not the day for the Easter bunny, and finding eggs with special treats awaiting it’s happy finder, or a time for buying meaningless commercial driven gifts. (Granted we all fall for the mumble jumble any ways) No, today was the day that we rejoice and celebrate our lord and savior Jesus Christ rising from the dead after paying for our sins through crucifixion. (For the those poor souls which have no idea what I’m talking about, please refer to the Bible quote to the right of this blog also located at the very bottom-John 3:16) Rejoice! He has risen!
At church the grown up watched “The Passion of the Christ” as the kids, my small class, worked on the Easter projects (decorating visor hats to wear outside during their Easter egg hunt.) After they finished they turned there attention to watch the crucifixion part of the movie to the end (the true significance of Easter and how much God loves to spare us from our own sins) They were a little frightened by it but they have to learn what happened sometime…There was no crying, only total silence as we watched on to the gruesome sense so realistic.
As I said, no crying but we discussed the movie altogether afterwards, then we had an Easter lunch to which we all contributed our part. Then there was the Easter egg hunt which is always funny since the adults are encouraged to play as well. There’s just no way of forgetting, the very idea of my mom running after Easter eggs hiding on the pastor’s grill of his truck (which he himself placed there) if that’s not funny enough, the image of her and my little sister running at the same time, and my mom winning; I could imagine the memory of that will forever put a smile on my face just thinking about it.
Afterwards we headed down one street to my cousin’s house, as we do every Sunday. Today we helped make the potatoe salad, cutting up potatoes, pickles, and celery. It felt so weird using there knives and a glass plate. Oh lord, I’m so spoiled by Cutco, for those that don’t have the slightest clue of what I’m talking, let’s just say without getting into details, I basically have a job selling the worlds must awesome knives! Oh well, it was great spending the holidays with family as usual.
Now, here’s where I get to the part where I felt girly:
Today I felt so girly, I was wearing a greenish blue skirt with flowers and white vines (very Easterish) with a white tank top(spaghetti strapped) and a nice black cover up on top. I’m not normally this girly looking (well I guess sort of, there’s no way of mistaking my gender) but today, clothing wise, this skirt made me feel really girly.., all day.
When I talked to Sumo earlier I told him the funny part about the whole situation. Since I’m not use to dressing this particular type of girly style I originally didn’t have a shirt that would match. The only white shirt I had that was white has little tiny holes (purposely) in a pattern of a bunch of little flowers that didn’t match the flowers on the skirt. What is a girl to do? No really, I had no idea, except do something that probably only a boy, or in my case, someone not so girly would do… Like I said it had a hole pattern so no I didn’t turn it inside out, what did I do then..? I wore the shirt backwards because the pattern was only on the front and the back was just plan white.
Oh, just wait it gets more “foony” (inside joke that only a few would understand) as I continued to get ready to go, I bent down to reach something and you know what happened..? The tag did as tags do, it came out and how funny would that had been if I hadn’t noticed it until I was already out in public to show everyone that I was wearing my shirt backwards. So now what did I do? Did I change the shirt? No, I was determined to wear that stupid girly skirt so what did I do? Simple, I got the scissors and cut the tag completely off and you know what, you know what, you know what? It worked! I told you I have my brilliant moments; I just was never specific on what definition of brilliance. ;)
At church the grown up watched “The Passion of the Christ” as the kids, my small class, worked on the Easter projects (decorating visor hats to wear outside during their Easter egg hunt.) After they finished they turned there attention to watch the crucifixion part of the movie to the end (the true significance of Easter and how much God loves to spare us from our own sins) They were a little frightened by it but they have to learn what happened sometime…There was no crying, only total silence as we watched on to the gruesome sense so realistic.
As I said, no crying but we discussed the movie altogether afterwards, then we had an Easter lunch to which we all contributed our part. Then there was the Easter egg hunt which is always funny since the adults are encouraged to play as well. There’s just no way of forgetting, the very idea of my mom running after Easter eggs hiding on the pastor’s grill of his truck (which he himself placed there) if that’s not funny enough, the image of her and my little sister running at the same time, and my mom winning; I could imagine the memory of that will forever put a smile on my face just thinking about it.
Afterwards we headed down one street to my cousin’s house, as we do every Sunday. Today we helped make the potatoe salad, cutting up potatoes, pickles, and celery. It felt so weird using there knives and a glass plate. Oh lord, I’m so spoiled by Cutco, for those that don’t have the slightest clue of what I’m talking, let’s just say without getting into details, I basically have a job selling the worlds must awesome knives! Oh well, it was great spending the holidays with family as usual.
Now, here’s where I get to the part where I felt girly:
Today I felt so girly, I was wearing a greenish blue skirt with flowers and white vines (very Easterish) with a white tank top(spaghetti strapped) and a nice black cover up on top. I’m not normally this girly looking (well I guess sort of, there’s no way of mistaking my gender) but today, clothing wise, this skirt made me feel really girly.., all day.
When I talked to Sumo earlier I told him the funny part about the whole situation. Since I’m not use to dressing this particular type of girly style I originally didn’t have a shirt that would match. The only white shirt I had that was white has little tiny holes (purposely) in a pattern of a bunch of little flowers that didn’t match the flowers on the skirt. What is a girl to do? No really, I had no idea, except do something that probably only a boy, or in my case, someone not so girly would do… Like I said it had a hole pattern so no I didn’t turn it inside out, what did I do then..? I wore the shirt backwards because the pattern was only on the front and the back was just plan white.
Oh, just wait it gets more “foony” (inside joke that only a few would understand) as I continued to get ready to go, I bent down to reach something and you know what happened..? The tag did as tags do, it came out and how funny would that had been if I hadn’t noticed it until I was already out in public to show everyone that I was wearing my shirt backwards. So now what did I do? Did I change the shirt? No, I was determined to wear that stupid girly skirt so what did I do? Simple, I got the scissors and cut the tag completely off and you know what, you know what, you know what? It worked! I told you I have my brilliant moments; I just was never specific on what definition of brilliance. ;)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
How Dare You!!!
To anyone wanting to just start reading this blog from where its at, don't, you have to read from "A New Realization" and work your way up to understand what's going on. I still left some blanks in between these last blogs posted so I will fill them in tomorrow but just as a fair warning, they ARE more crazy sounding then the blogs I did choose to post today.
Now that my blog posting time is almost up I should post this, today's actually blog which I'm writing now. I'm pretty pissed off with Jordan for some reasons that will be revealed in tomorrows blog postings but for now I have one thing that I must say today, Jordan I don't appreciate that you read my warning and then joked about it laughing at my "multiple personalities" as you put it. How dare you!
For future reference, whenever someone says they feel like they're actually going crazy, don't mock them! That's exactly why I always talk to Sumo first, he doesn't mock me as you repeatedly have in the past and continue to do so! What's your problem!?! For someone smart you sure are acting stupid! Thanks to you I have another theory blog which I WILL post tomorrow so that you can see the total damage that your insensitive comments have done to me over night. THANKS A LOT!!! Just as I was feeling a little better after a weeks worth of release, I hope you're freakin' happy cause I'm not!
Now that my blog posting time is almost up I should post this, today's actually blog which I'm writing now. I'm pretty pissed off with Jordan for some reasons that will be revealed in tomorrows blog postings but for now I have one thing that I must say today, Jordan I don't appreciate that you read my warning and then joked about it laughing at my "multiple personalities" as you put it. How dare you!
For future reference, whenever someone says they feel like they're actually going crazy, don't mock them! That's exactly why I always talk to Sumo first, he doesn't mock me as you repeatedly have in the past and continue to do so! What's your problem!?! For someone smart you sure are acting stupid! Thanks to you I have another theory blog which I WILL post tomorrow so that you can see the total damage that your insensitive comments have done to me over night. THANKS A LOT!!! Just as I was feeling a little better after a weeks worth of release, I hope you're freakin' happy cause I'm not!
The Curse
Yesterday to my surprise Sumo told me there was something he wanted to tell me, I tried to get it out of him but he told me I had to wait until later for him to tell me. Later he told me, “I think I love you” I was shocked and had no idea how to respond, I was really speechless but my mind was going crazy with thoughts. I felt bad for not responding back in a matter which is normally expected (as in “I love you too.”) I just couldn’t, the first thing that I thought about was my love for Jordan and how strong it really is. Secondly I felt bad for Sumo, I don’t even know what I did to make him feel this way, I was just me and I guess that was enough. Poor Sumo, he has now, unknowingly fallen into the cursed domain.
I’m not sure what it is about me that sucks guys into me, all I know is that when they are done with me, they are never the same, never done. I’m not being conceded, I’m serious, I think of it as a curs and I’m pretty sure the guys of my past would consider to be one as well if they only knew.
The only one that truly knows about this particular portion of my life is my old friend Lupe. She truly knew the incidental damage I could and would cause. I feel almost bad to be aloud into anyone guy’s life; I should come with a freakin’ warning label! I feels so bad, no one could truly understand (except Lupe of course and that’s only because she was an eye witness, she saw it all front and center) Now what am I to do?
The obvious would be to talk to Lupe since she’s the only one that knows of my situation… well, duh! I’ve already tried that! Lately she’s been unreachable! Dam it! Dam it! Dam it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!!! Just one of life's sick sad cruel jokes on me and my twisted life.
I’m guessing there’s one reader out there thinking I’m making too much of this, right? WRONG!!!!! Let’s have a short, quick and simple recap of some of the worst case situations (that I’m aware of) shall we..?
*I’ve had guys go crazy jealous after not wanting to be with them that they completely lose it and become a stocker which I couldn’t stop for reasons too complicated to explain.
*One hit almost complete depression and never got over the fact that it was over and I wasn’t going to go back to the way things were.
*After on and off feelings one very shy, quite type; finally left and made a dramatic change drinking and partying his freakin' brains out.
*After suspecting that I was being cheated on for the first time I ended things, it was then that he discovered how stupid he was and realized what he had with me but it was too late. I got with “R” that same day. (I know what you’re thinking, no it wasn’t a rebound thing, “R” had been trying to get with me for over a year and I had feeling for him but I idiotically stayed loyal to the cheating bustard!) + Recent update- he’s now been arrested at least twice (to my knowledge) for drinking and driving and he still claims to be in love with me although he has a girlfriend. (By the way for those that couldn’t piece together the puzzle this was the one I simply call “6.”)
*And of course let’s not forget “R”, for my constant readers- enough said…
The pattern I noticed was, the longer the relationship, the worst off the poor guy ended up being. I wish I could stop this stupid curse but what can I do? I’ve been worried about Jordan from the get-go but now I have Sumo to worry about as well. What the hell!!! Why can’t someone just freakin’ shoot me now and end this stupid curse!!!
I’m not sure what it is about me that sucks guys into me, all I know is that when they are done with me, they are never the same, never done. I’m not being conceded, I’m serious, I think of it as a curs and I’m pretty sure the guys of my past would consider to be one as well if they only knew.
The only one that truly knows about this particular portion of my life is my old friend Lupe. She truly knew the incidental damage I could and would cause. I feel almost bad to be aloud into anyone guy’s life; I should come with a freakin’ warning label! I feels so bad, no one could truly understand (except Lupe of course and that’s only because she was an eye witness, she saw it all front and center) Now what am I to do?
The obvious would be to talk to Lupe since she’s the only one that knows of my situation… well, duh! I’ve already tried that! Lately she’s been unreachable! Dam it! Dam it! Dam it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!!! Just one of life's sick sad cruel jokes on me and my twisted life.
I’m guessing there’s one reader out there thinking I’m making too much of this, right? WRONG!!!!! Let’s have a short, quick and simple recap of some of the worst case situations (that I’m aware of) shall we..?
*I’ve had guys go crazy jealous after not wanting to be with them that they completely lose it and become a stocker which I couldn’t stop for reasons too complicated to explain.
*One hit almost complete depression and never got over the fact that it was over and I wasn’t going to go back to the way things were.
*After on and off feelings one very shy, quite type; finally left and made a dramatic change drinking and partying his freakin' brains out.
*After suspecting that I was being cheated on for the first time I ended things, it was then that he discovered how stupid he was and realized what he had with me but it was too late. I got with “R” that same day. (I know what you’re thinking, no it wasn’t a rebound thing, “R” had been trying to get with me for over a year and I had feeling for him but I idiotically stayed loyal to the cheating bustard!) + Recent update- he’s now been arrested at least twice (to my knowledge) for drinking and driving and he still claims to be in love with me although he has a girlfriend. (By the way for those that couldn’t piece together the puzzle this was the one I simply call “6.”)
*And of course let’s not forget “R”, for my constant readers- enough said…
The pattern I noticed was, the longer the relationship, the worst off the poor guy ended up being. I wish I could stop this stupid curse but what can I do? I’ve been worried about Jordan from the get-go but now I have Sumo to worry about as well. What the hell!!! Why can’t someone just freakin’ shoot me now and end this stupid curse!!!
The Train
The next day after the church realization.
Death has constantly been on my mind, all my memories of my past, those of which I try to block out and forget just won’t leave me be and I just want to make them stop even if that leaves death as my only solution. What could possibly be sooooooo bad that would cause me to wish death upon myself to finally end them from ever returning? Sorry, I can’t disclose that private information just yet, one chapter of my life I’m not sure will ever be revealed to the world.
I’ve actually been contemplating my own demise lately. No joke, I have seen several situations run through my head. One came to me when we were cross over a set of train tracks; I was sitting in the captain chair behind my mom. It seemed so real, in slow motion as we were straddle over the tracks I heard the sound of the horn and I turn to look out the window to see the front of the train smash directly into the side of our vehicle, injuring my mom and cousin, killing me almost instantly, almost…Just then my cousin sitting in the front passengers seat, called me for my attention and I quickly turn towards her returning back to reality.
All day I’ve been thinking of that train and wonder why I had to even think of such a terrible thought and what’s worst then thinking of it? I almost envied the idea of it. At church yesterday and the past two Sunday’s I’ve been praying and having our pastor lay hands on me to pray for me and sadly I think its been working. What kind of improvement could it be possibly be thinking of getting hit by a train? At least the thought wasn’t me killing myself this time.
Death has constantly been on my mind, all my memories of my past, those of which I try to block out and forget just won’t leave me be and I just want to make them stop even if that leaves death as my only solution. What could possibly be sooooooo bad that would cause me to wish death upon myself to finally end them from ever returning? Sorry, I can’t disclose that private information just yet, one chapter of my life I’m not sure will ever be revealed to the world.
I’ve actually been contemplating my own demise lately. No joke, I have seen several situations run through my head. One came to me when we were cross over a set of train tracks; I was sitting in the captain chair behind my mom. It seemed so real, in slow motion as we were straddle over the tracks I heard the sound of the horn and I turn to look out the window to see the front of the train smash directly into the side of our vehicle, injuring my mom and cousin, killing me almost instantly, almost…Just then my cousin sitting in the front passengers seat, called me for my attention and I quickly turn towards her returning back to reality.
All day I’ve been thinking of that train and wonder why I had to even think of such a terrible thought and what’s worst then thinking of it? I almost envied the idea of it. At church yesterday and the past two Sunday’s I’ve been praying and having our pastor lay hands on me to pray for me and sadly I think its been working. What kind of improvement could it be possibly be thinking of getting hit by a train? At least the thought wasn’t me killing myself this time.
A New Realization-P2
Two days later after my last "A New Realization" just a heads up it crazier then the last.
I dread going over to my cousin's house tomorrow. I just know that when I do those "feelings" are going to come back. Dam it! Why can't I just be free of him and be done! No it's like he can't let me go so I should be the one to suffer through this. What the hell!?! I deserve some happiness don't I? I felt so good for a while after getting over my guilt trip of being with Jordan after "R" told me he had a gf, great! No not really, after he told me it seemed like things started gong down hill from, I feel like every time I'm at my cousin's house I feel his presence in my mind or something. It's like I just can't get him off my mind and it's really pissing me off!!! Freakin' get the hell out of my mind!!! Leave me alone! Sometimes I actually feel like shouting out, "LEAVE ME THE F@#& ALONE!!!" While ripping my hair out hoping to magically rip his memory out as well.
At church last week I went to the front for the pastor to pray for me when he asked,"If there is anyone that needs a special prayer, please come to the front so I can lay hands on you, you don't even have to tell me your problems, God knows what's in your heart." As he usually does but this time when I went up felt different and I cried, a lot, I balled my eyes out through out the entire service and fought them to only release streams of tears at random while teaching my children's class. I must have looked so pathetic, one of the kids gave me a look as if they pitied me and another offered to start out by reading our story of the day. How sad, that was the moment I realized I had hit a new low.
The crazy thing to me is that when the pastor was praying for me he said,"Oh, Lord take away this curse that is coming against her. Let not even witchcraft discourage her, she is your daughter and she wants to be strong for you. What ever harm that is trying to make her weak fight it for her, oh Lord. This is a battle that she can not fight alone, help her through this." I don't think I could ever forget those words, I didn't even say anything when I went up, I just stood there and cried with my eye closed feeling each stream fall down my face.
I bet this sounds stupid or too much of a co-wik-i-deek who may be reading this but to those, you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAM!!! I know what I felt and you don't so don't you dare even think of freakin' judging me! You have no freakin' right!!! Non whatsoever!!! So before you even say something stupid let me tell you this,"SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' PIE WHOLE AND JUDGE YOURSELF BEFORE JUDGING ME!!!!!"
I dread going over to my cousin's house tomorrow. I just know that when I do those "feelings" are going to come back. Dam it! Why can't I just be free of him and be done! No it's like he can't let me go so I should be the one to suffer through this. What the hell!?! I deserve some happiness don't I? I felt so good for a while after getting over my guilt trip of being with Jordan after "R" told me he had a gf, great! No not really, after he told me it seemed like things started gong down hill from, I feel like every time I'm at my cousin's house I feel his presence in my mind or something. It's like I just can't get him off my mind and it's really pissing me off!!! Freakin' get the hell out of my mind!!! Leave me alone! Sometimes I actually feel like shouting out, "LEAVE ME THE F@#& ALONE!!!" While ripping my hair out hoping to magically rip his memory out as well.
At church last week I went to the front for the pastor to pray for me when he asked,"If there is anyone that needs a special prayer, please come to the front so I can lay hands on you, you don't even have to tell me your problems, God knows what's in your heart." As he usually does but this time when I went up felt different and I cried, a lot, I balled my eyes out through out the entire service and fought them to only release streams of tears at random while teaching my children's class. I must have looked so pathetic, one of the kids gave me a look as if they pitied me and another offered to start out by reading our story of the day. How sad, that was the moment I realized I had hit a new low.
The crazy thing to me is that when the pastor was praying for me he said,"Oh, Lord take away this curse that is coming against her. Let not even witchcraft discourage her, she is your daughter and she wants to be strong for you. What ever harm that is trying to make her weak fight it for her, oh Lord. This is a battle that she can not fight alone, help her through this." I don't think I could ever forget those words, I didn't even say anything when I went up, I just stood there and cried with my eye closed feeling each stream fall down my face.
I bet this sounds stupid or too much of a co-wik-i-deek who may be reading this but to those, you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAM!!! I know what I felt and you don't so don't you dare even think of freakin' judging me! You have no freakin' right!!! Non whatsoever!!! So before you even say something stupid let me tell you this,"SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' PIE WHOLE AND JUDGE YOURSELF BEFORE JUDGING ME!!!!!"
A New Realization-P1
This was the first blog that I was suppose to post but never did.-Part one 03/7/08
I recently had a new realization; it’s a bit alarming to me since I hadn’t noticed it before. Every Sunday after church we go over to my cousin’s house just a street away, well, “R’s” mother lives right across my cousin, he hasn’t lived there in a long time but I feel like I’m constantly being watched whenever I’m there. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it really sucks! I don’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore.
I know that some may think that I may be over exaggerating about this but I really don’t think so. The most troubling thing for me was as I said before I didn’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore. Even when I’m inside I feel watched, my cousin likes to leave her door open so I can see the house as it mocks me. I probably sound crazy but I don’t care, I feel crazy whenever I’m there.
What really sucks is that whenever I’m there the memory of “R” mocks me as well, really it does. I don’t think of good times we had or bad, I really just can’t stop thinking of him, so to try to solve this I think hard and force myself to think of Jordan(which I don’t mind) it’s crazy because it makes me sad when doing so. The other crazy thing that I noticed was when we’re leaving for home I still have him on my mind and it really drives me crazy in a bad way, I can’t stop thinking of him, I feel extremely sad thinking of Jordan, I feel like I’m going to cry, and I recently started getting chest pains which are really alarming.
I told a friend about it and she joked about “R’s” family doing witchcraft on me for ending things, which got me thinking… “R’s” mother never liked me because I wasn’t like her (probably) I was too nice and “R” changed a lot while we were together but he change for the better. I always suspected “R’s” family of hating me, unfortunately I was around them OFTEN because I encouraged him to visit although he didn’t want to.
Ever since we broke up he stopped visiting all together for a long while until now, he’s been going over for short visits every Sunday but that’s when I’m over at my cousin’s house. After his family visit he goes over to my cousin’s house which I think is solely because I’m there, he stays and talks to me longer then he does with his parents. What if his mother noticed this and she’s mad. After all now he has the type of gf I would imagine she wanted him with instead of me, someone that likes to go out a lot, drinks, and non-religious (which is still crazy for me to even think why she hated me so. Most of my friend’s parents practically through their sons at me wish I would be there gf.) Also now since being with his new gf for about 5monhs now is always strapped for cash since they always go eating out at expensive restaurants and going out A LOT (which I know isn’t “R’s” idea, he liked the fact that I was simple and just enjoyed his company)
How do I know this? “R” tells me, I’m not sure why, if he’s telling me to try and rub it in (as if that would really get me jealous) or in a way of complaining. Humm… not sure but he doesn’t look the same anymore; he doesn’t have that sincerity that originally drew me to him. If I would take a guess, if I met him this way, I would have never even became friends with him (at least not willingly) Sadly, I almost pity him, almost…
I recently had a new realization; it’s a bit alarming to me since I hadn’t noticed it before. Every Sunday after church we go over to my cousin’s house just a street away, well, “R’s” mother lives right across my cousin, he hasn’t lived there in a long time but I feel like I’m constantly being watched whenever I’m there. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it really sucks! I don’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore.
I know that some may think that I may be over exaggerating about this but I really don’t think so. The most troubling thing for me was as I said before I didn’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore. Even when I’m inside I feel watched, my cousin likes to leave her door open so I can see the house as it mocks me. I probably sound crazy but I don’t care, I feel crazy whenever I’m there.
What really sucks is that whenever I’m there the memory of “R” mocks me as well, really it does. I don’t think of good times we had or bad, I really just can’t stop thinking of him, so to try to solve this I think hard and force myself to think of Jordan(which I don’t mind) it’s crazy because it makes me sad when doing so. The other crazy thing that I noticed was when we’re leaving for home I still have him on my mind and it really drives me crazy in a bad way, I can’t stop thinking of him, I feel extremely sad thinking of Jordan, I feel like I’m going to cry, and I recently started getting chest pains which are really alarming.
I told a friend about it and she joked about “R’s” family doing witchcraft on me for ending things, which got me thinking… “R’s” mother never liked me because I wasn’t like her (probably) I was too nice and “R” changed a lot while we were together but he change for the better. I always suspected “R’s” family of hating me, unfortunately I was around them OFTEN because I encouraged him to visit although he didn’t want to.
Ever since we broke up he stopped visiting all together for a long while until now, he’s been going over for short visits every Sunday but that’s when I’m over at my cousin’s house. After his family visit he goes over to my cousin’s house which I think is solely because I’m there, he stays and talks to me longer then he does with his parents. What if his mother noticed this and she’s mad. After all now he has the type of gf I would imagine she wanted him with instead of me, someone that likes to go out a lot, drinks, and non-religious (which is still crazy for me to even think why she hated me so. Most of my friend’s parents practically through their sons at me wish I would be there gf.) Also now since being with his new gf for about 5monhs now is always strapped for cash since they always go eating out at expensive restaurants and going out A LOT (which I know isn’t “R’s” idea, he liked the fact that I was simple and just enjoyed his company)
How do I know this? “R” tells me, I’m not sure why, if he’s telling me to try and rub it in (as if that would really get me jealous) or in a way of complaining. Humm… not sure but he doesn’t look the same anymore; he doesn’t have that sincerity that originally drew me to him. If I would take a guess, if I met him this way, I would have never even became friends with him (at least not willingly) Sadly, I almost pity him, almost…
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Warning
Sorry everyone, I know I said I had a good post the last time, I really did, still do but I really don't have much time to post it. Really I don't actually have time to be posting now so I'm going to make this quick. I have been noticing myself lately, I'm not who I use to be, I'm very different emotionally. I don't quite know how to explain it, I'm not sure if my readers, friends, have noticed this as well but I've seen my postings transforming since I've started. The post that I was working on last time is a bit crazy, not my normal crazy, it's actually CRAZY as if a nut case wrote it. I don't mean to alarm anyone but things have been yoyoing for me, first good than completely insanely bad. I can't explain my feeling they are worst than the normal "feelings" I get from time to time. Jordan and I often joke about our sanity, or lack there of, however lately it's been no joke that's why I haven't even mentioned it. Now that I have posted, heave my warning and be prepared for tomorrow because I can't hold back these feelings any longer, and I don't want to hide them as if they don't exist. Be prepared for a weeks worth of insanity.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Gotta go!
Hey everyone, sorry but this is just a quick post, I have to go. Don't worry, I have a really good one I'm working on, I'll post it tommorow. Gotta go!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Crazy Retraction
Ok, this is kind of crazy but I’m writing this blog to sort of retract my previous. Told you it was kind of crazy. Here’s the thing, ever since we “supposeitly” broke up, we really don’t act like it so we figured that we really didn’t break up after all. So sorry everyone reading this, it was just a false alarm however we did come up with what some would think a very unusual agreement. We thought that we want to stay with each other but since we are at a great distance from each other if either of us were to meet someone we were interested in, we could go out on a date with that person as long as we tell the other. I know, I know, it seems crazy, I warned you from the get go.
I’m not sure either one of us will actually go out but I guess it’s a chance we’re willing to take by staying in this relationship. At first the whole thing started out with me, at admit it was entirely my fault to begin with, I was feeling like I was alone. Talking to Jordan on the phone I didn’t feel like that but we hadn’t been able to talk for a while as I said in previous blogs like in “Late night call from Jordan.” See, it was build season (which is 6weeks) and Jordan plays a vital part in his team so he had to always work late not allowing us to talk so it kind of felt lonely as you could imagine.
I told him about this after build season was over and that’s when we decided to end our relationship, just as Jordan post in “No Regrets,” not because of an argument, or someone else, we thought we were save ourselves from hurt each other in the long run. Actually all it really did was confuse us both, we had continued talking the same, and nothing changed, with build season over we were close once again. We have something here that we can’t explain to anyone without them thinking we’re weird or completely insane. For some reason we just aren’t ready to let each other go just yet. Humm…maybe everyone’s right, maybe we are insane. Oh well, sanity in relationships, is over rated. :)
I’m not sure either one of us will actually go out but I guess it’s a chance we’re willing to take by staying in this relationship. At first the whole thing started out with me, at admit it was entirely my fault to begin with, I was feeling like I was alone. Talking to Jordan on the phone I didn’t feel like that but we hadn’t been able to talk for a while as I said in previous blogs like in “Late night call from Jordan.” See, it was build season (which is 6weeks) and Jordan plays a vital part in his team so he had to always work late not allowing us to talk so it kind of felt lonely as you could imagine.
I told him about this after build season was over and that’s when we decided to end our relationship, just as Jordan post in “No Regrets,” not because of an argument, or someone else, we thought we were save ourselves from hurt each other in the long run. Actually all it really did was confuse us both, we had continued talking the same, and nothing changed, with build season over we were close once again. We have something here that we can’t explain to anyone without them thinking we’re weird or completely insane. For some reason we just aren’t ready to let each other go just yet. Humm…maybe everyone’s right, maybe we are insane. Oh well, sanity in relationships, is over rated. :)
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Irony
Just a warning: To fully understand this blog you must start reading from the blog titled “Letting Go” and “The Haunting” trust me it will make more sense then, and only then…
Today was a day full of irony and just as everyone may already know, irony really, really sucks. Yesterday I had to work late making calls so Jordan and I only had about ten to fifteen minuets to talk so right away, I’m admitting it was all my fault. Our short conversation got really serious, we started talking about problems and what was bothering me lately. We didn’t talk much but we both agreed we had to talk about it the next day which was today.
To come straight out with it, yesterday I was serious about breaking up with
All day I kept thinking about it and I really didn’t know what was going to happen when we would talk again. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just angry with him for his recent absence due to build season so I actually thought ALL DAY. I went through everything, pictures, old letters, I even read through almost all my old post. All day I wanted to cry and at some instances I did when I was alone in my room, shut out from the world.
Talk about irony, I sent Jordan a personalized dark chocolate card that read, ”I love you, Fy 394.-Sarah” which was suppose to arrive on Valentines Day, instead he got it earlier allowing him, still undecided on what to get me, the opportunity to get an idea.
I wanted to cry from the moment I saw the paper card, talk about irony, I receive my surprise the day after I almost broke up with Jordan, and was still trying to decide what to do; and for it to read Revenge! Oh, it was revenge alright, stupid Timing! I showed my mom, she had never heard me tell Jordan that I loved him (although its been countless times already) except one time when he was joining in on am inside joke that only my mom, my lil’ sis, and I knew about. Yep, today was the day she found out for sure.
Another irony that only Jordan would understand, today I found out what happened to the “Dead guy that magically came back after twenty years,” so that chapter of my life is over which SOOOOOOOOOO wasn’t worth it, at least I can spear myself all the stupidity and FINALLY stop watching now!
Anyways, getting back to what really matters, well as usual, when it came time when Jordan was able to talk and called me, I had something to do so I told him that I would call him back which I was planning to, only he beat me just as I arrived home to be able to talk in the privacy of my own room.
We got to talking and we went back to our seriousness. I’m not sure what sparked it but I told
We went into an overtime, and continued talking as if we had all the time in the world which it felt like I needed to fully explain myself. Finally I made up my mind to tell him my decision that I still love him and after thinking about it long enough, I do trust him(Letter from a Secrete Admirer) but I didn’t want to end up like “R” and I, hardly friends, that we should end it now before we end up hurting each other.
I’ve always been bad with break ups but this seemed like the hardest, as I told
We talked for a while and finally told me what he was thinking as he was driving home earlier today (which he told me at the beginning of our conversation, that he would tell me about after we were done talking) It was the sad thoughts which we had shared in the past referring to what I mentioned in, “Always the least expected,” suicide. I began to cry and begging him not to, he assured me that he wouldn’t but was telling me how it did cross his mind, and why he purposely didn’t mention it until after we talked.
He explained that he didn’t want me to think that he was trying to influence my decision by feeling sorry for him or obligated to remain with him simply to prevent it from happening.
I must admit, I’m sad and somewhat heartbroken, but as we talked I felt a sense of relief because I know that we’ll be alright. With all finally said and done, now it is understandable why irony played such a crazy role from the beginning of our relationship and into the return of us as friends. We’ll still be there to help each other get by.
I still love
Monday, February 18, 2008
Late night call from Jordan
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hey There D
I’ve been listening to the song “Hey There D” and it makes me both happy and sad when I hear it.
There are too many emotions to describe how I feel about you, there’s just no way to explain my feelings for you. I love you so much that it hurts me just thinking of all that we’re missing out on. I wish you were here so I could hold you and be held by you as well. This really isn’t fair, why did we have to fall so deeply in love as we did and be doomed to suffer so? All we have are memories of an almost perfect love, but now, they are just reminders that play a part in my daily torment every time I think of them. I never felt love like ours, not even with ”R”, no one from my past could even compare, there’s just no way at all.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Clear
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Hurting me
I can't stop thinking about what you said, it's going to always be in the back of my mind.
Why does this bother me so? The reason isn't explainable but it's pretty much obvious.
I'm not the average girlfriend, I want to know what's going with you which is why I didn't mind hearing about the letter in the first place.
But I just could have never prepared myself for you planning on leaving me.
Weather you deside to or not that fact of it is going to be that actually thought of it and had the nerve to tell me as you thought it.
I know your sort of new to this whole thing but come and use it.
I really love you, but you still just don't get it!
You really don't know when you're hurting me.
I know you didn't mean to do it intentionally but the fact still remains that you hurt me one way or another.
Why does this bother me so? The reason isn't explainable but it's pretty much obvious.
I'm not the average girlfriend, I want to know what's going with you which is why I didn't mind hearing about the letter in the first place.
But I just could have never prepared myself for you planning on leaving me.
Weather you deside to or not that fact of it is going to be that actually thought of it and had the nerve to tell me as you thought it.
I know your sort of new to this whole thing but come and use it.
I really love you, but you still just don't get it!
You really don't know when you're hurting me.
I know you didn't mean to do it intentionally but the fact still remains that you hurt me one way or another.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Realization
After thinking about everything that has happened lately, all the memories of “R”, I thought I was angry at him but I’m not. I have come to really appreciate “R” and the “haunting” that he was doing to me. I now realize what this whole thing was all about, I kept thinking about it and I figured out that “R” lied to me. He said that he loved me, and I believe that he did I still believe that, but after we broke up he said that he still loved me and that he didn’t want anyone else but me, he said couldn’t, he didn’t even want to try. Now that I have been “haunted” for a good while, I figured out what was really going on with him, he wanted to have someone to love he just thought it had to be me which turns out not to be true. The thing now is that it has made me think about my relationship with
Yesterday to my surprise,
I told him how it really bothered me how he was acting and that he was actually considering leaving me for someone that wrote him a letter. He remained casual saying he had a feeling it had to do with that. DUH!!!! What else could it possibly be?! It’s only common sense, I’m not a jealous person at all, people are surprised with how much of a relaxed and trusting girlfriend I am. Sometimes I surprise myself. So now what am I suppose to do? How can I trust you if you don’t even trust yourself?
Well you told me that you were thinking about it earlier this morning and you realized that you didn’t care about the letter or whoever wrote it, you wanted to stay with me. You decided that you wanted to stay with me no matter who the letter was from. The way you talked about it you made it seem like I should have been thrilled with what you said and just take your word for it. You actually had the nerve to ask me if I was still upset with you, once again, DUH!!! I’m not going to just magically forgive you because of what you said. You honestly don’t get the whole picture, do you? You think that by telling me in a casual way I’m going to just forgive and forget. For now I forgive you, for now; but I’m not sure if I will ever forget what you said, how could I
If only I could forget as easily as you. Well I can’t, not this so if I seem different you’ll know why. In the famous words of Sumo, “I don’t know how you’re going to dig your way out of this one.”
I have come to figure out what the “haunting” was really about. what if the whole “haunting” is just some kind of a warning to me that something isn’t right here and I should really think closely about my relationship with Jordan, is it all Really worth it?
In a way, the “haunting” isn’t just “R” coming back to torment me, maybe he is the only way I could actually figure out what’s been going on. As these “haunting came about I kept remembering things about my relationship with “R” and then I realize, wait a minuet,
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Letter from a secrete admiror
When you told me about it we both thought it was strange and funny.
You read it to me word for word and I had no problem with it.
Together we tried to figure out who was this secrete admirer?
We laughed and joked about the possibilities.
Then I made a suggestion which agreed with.
You started to think about it and then kind of considered it.
I thought you should talk to her to find out for sure.
Questions started to come up, “what if it is her and she would try to kiss me or something?”
“What if I kissed her back, you questioned your faith in yourself.”
“What if I would leave you for her? After all I use to have a crush on her, remember? Plus she’s here and you’re not.
I want to be happy but I want to be happy with you.”
While we talked I thought positively, aww…he loves me enough to stay with me instead of going with the other girl.
After we got off the phone I started to think about things.
If you love me so much, why would you even think twice about staying with me or leaving me for someone else?
I didn’t care about the letter, I laughed it off, but your reaction bothered me.
How dare you! I myself have had other offers which I told you about and not once did I think of leaving you!
I honestly don’t know what the heck you were thinking when you started thinking those questions out loud!
With each thing you kept saying, I pretended as if I care not, but I didn’t want to come across as one of those crazy jealous girlfriends.
The truth of the matter is, I really wished you were telling me all this in person so that I could slap you!
I really wished I could slap you!
Here I am, so far away from you, staying faithful and devoted to you (even though I’ve been advised not to) taking a chance with our love from the start, rejecting those that were interested, simply to have you not show the same loyalty to me in return!
How dare you!!!
I spent seven months trying to get over “R” with you there basically reserving yourself the role as my boyfriend.
I really didn’t have time to grow, to reflect on what went wrong, or even take the time to give someone else the time to get to know me and vice versa.
No, instead I excepted the feelings we had for each other and waited to just miraculously heal from an almost four year relationship, in a way it was like I was never alone, you were there waiting for me to heal and give myself time to get over it while you were there as I said, reserving your spot as my future boyfriend!
I can’t believe that! I can’t believe you!
Now that I think of it more, I thought you were there for me, to help me heal, instead you were there shoving the idea in my head why I needed to get over the whole ordeal.
Now, I see what you were trying to do, you wanted me for yourself, so you helped yourself!
And me, little ol’ me, I was so stupid to let you.
I thought that you backing off, not constantly asking about my feelings you were being a good friend, nope!
You wanted me to think that way.
You won!
I lost!
And now, what’s your prize?
This…
I see how things are, I now see how it is with you,
You didn’t want to be with me just because we were in love,
You wanted me because you never felt love,
You used me!
You took advantage of my feelings and now, this “Secrete admirer” came in the picture and you thought of leaving me for her because she’s there and I’m not!
Wake up and see what’s really going on here!
You said you love me and you would never want to hurt me.
HELLO! Does that sound familiar to you?
You are making me repeat history in a way, “R” said he loved me and he never wanted to hurt me, and he did, granted it was in a completely different way,
What he did seems like nothing now, but you considering leaving for another girl…
You are almost as bad 6, he didn’t leave, he wanted us both,
But you want to leave me, what does that tell me about how much you really care?
If you want to leave me for someone that’s been there all that time and said nothing about it until you were finally happy with a girlfriend, what does that tell you about her?
You have the right to happiness, as do I.
Now I really have a lot to think about in what to do next…
You hurt with your words before,
But this, this really hit me bad…
I’m not sure how I could get over this.
Just you thinking about it…
Made me see the way you really think about our relationship.
Enjoy your letter from your secrete admirer, soon that may be the only love you’ll know.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Haunting
Today I got to be lazy and just lay around after leaving Marie at school. I have a huge problem though, I have become haunted by the memory of “R.” It just hit me all of a sudden, I’m not quite sure what is wrong with me. Everywhere I go I see things that remind me of old times with “R” and it makes me sad, not because I miss him, that’s the thing, I don’t know why I’m thinking the way I am. I just want to be friends with him but it seems like that is not really possible, and that makes me sad. Every relationship I had in the past I always said I wanted to stay friends after we would break upI don’t want “R” like that anymore so I have no idea why I’m have these constant reminders.
************************************************************************
Lately I’ve been seeing constant reminders of you. You are haunting me.
It seems as if I will never be able to escape your memory.
I was fine and free for a while but now all of a sudden, you’re back and it’s driving me crazy.
I can’t get you out of my mind although time and time I try.
Why? Why most you haunt my everyday. Why most I think of you in every way?
As if the day time isn’t enough now you’re haunting my dreams turned into nightmares with your presence.
How can I awake from this nightmare I dream and live?
You were once the love of my life but you changed so I had to let go.
I had to let you go, and I did but you wouldn’t let me go.
You said you couldn’t
Now it’s been a long while almost a year and we both have moved on.
We both have found a new love, a new life so why now?
Why have you come back to haunt me now.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Letter to our Lord, God
I’m afraid. Lord, I know you are with me and my family, I know this because no matter how bad the situation I can always turn to you. You are the one that will never leave me though I have been through a lot I know this, and I choose to keep my faith in you. With everything going on in my life, faith is all I have left when even my own family has turned away from me, you are there to guide me through these hard times. It feels like we have hit rock bottom and if so, there’s own one way to go, up. I believe if I keep my faith and never give up, I will rise again just like the story of Job. You never left him; you were only testing his faith in you, now maybe you’re testing my faith in you as well.
It seems as if I have only sacrificed one happiness for another. I should be happier now but I’m not going to lie and say I am when I really am not. I know that there are a lot of people in world out there that have it worst off then me so I shouldn’t be complaining now should I? With all that I have been through, and all that is to come, Lord, I know that one set of footprints is not you abandoning me; no, I know that they are yours’ and that I am in the safety your arms as you carry me through these difficult times.
Lately I have been finding myself worrying through out the day and crying in the privacy of my own room. Who would ever guess that I, always so cheerful and full of laughter am really hurting deep down inside? In my own silence I find myself. It is then that I truly find the time to think about my life and it’s worth. I regrettably find myself thinking; wouldn’t it be so much easier on everyone if I were gone? Would anyone even notice or really care?
It seems that death is all around me. I heard from a friend of mine today that someone of which was in my high school robotics team, died, he was in a car accident. I could only think of two things when hearing this, why was he so lucky to be away from this horrible world? When will it be my time to join my Holy Father? I feel so bad for even thinking these awful thoughts but I must tell the truth. I often think of my old suicidal thoughts, and I wonder, what is my purpose?
There is a reason for every living creature to be on this earth and when they are done serving their purpose, then and only then will they finally be able to rest and meet our creator. Such a strange thing to envy, death. When most people are afraid of it, I can only wonder when it will be my time.
It seems as if I have only sacrificed one happiness for another. I should be happier now but I’m not going to lie and say I am when I really am not. I know that there are a lot of people in world out there that have it worst off then me so I shouldn’t be complaining now should I? With all that I have been through, and all that is to come, Lord, I know that one set of footprints is not you abandoning me; no, I know that they are yours’ and that I am in the safety your arms as you carry me through these difficult times.
Lately I have been finding myself worrying through out the day and crying in the privacy of my own room. Who would ever guess that I, always so cheerful and full of laughter am really hurting deep down inside? In my own silence I find myself. It is then that I truly find the time to think about my life and it’s worth. I regrettably find myself thinking; wouldn’t it be so much easier on everyone if I were gone? Would anyone even notice or really care?
It seems that death is all around me. I heard from a friend of mine today that someone of which was in my high school robotics team, died, he was in a car accident. I could only think of two things when hearing this, why was he so lucky to be away from this horrible world? When will it be my time to join my Holy Father? I feel so bad for even thinking these awful thoughts but I must tell the truth. I often think of my old suicidal thoughts, and I wonder, what is my purpose?
There is a reason for every living creature to be on this earth and when they are done serving their purpose, then and only then will they finally be able to rest and meet our creator. Such a strange thing to envy, death. When most people are afraid of it, I can only wonder when it will be my time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Always the one you least expect...
I know it's really late or extremely early, which ever you want to see it is fine with me. I just can't seem to sleep and I just thought I might pay my respects to an actor which now, was one of my favorite actors. In case you're living under a rock or don't pay any attention to the news, Heath Ledger, passed away today, the exact cause still unknown. Why do I care you may ask?
1.) For one I enjoyed Ledger's movies, my favorite "10 Things I hate about you" which I own and love to watch all the time along with my mom and two sisters.
2.) The reason that the cause of his death is still unknown is because there will be an autopsy scheduled for tomorrow, there are no signs of foul play, instead at the moment his death is thought to be suicidal.
I have had these painful thoughts in my past and with God in my life, my friends, family I overcame my hard times. I know what you're thinking those of you that did not know this little secrete about me, it's always the one you least expect to do or even think of something as horrible as this. So it saddens me that Heath Ledger taking his own life is the most obvious reasoning at the moment, because he like me, like most stars seemed to have everything so together. So I close saying Heath Ledger, you will never be forgotten in the thoughts of those who knew you or admired you for your talent as I did, and you will forever live on in those you leave behind.
Sorry if this blog was boring to those that don't care about this subject or who was expecting something else from this post. I'm getting a little tired now so going to try to get some sleep and maybe I'll post tomorrow hopefully on a happier note.
To anyone interested in the full story I read follow this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22788914/?GT1=10755
1.) For one I enjoyed Ledger's movies, my favorite "10 Things I hate about you" which I own and love to watch all the time along with my mom and two sisters.
2.) The reason that the cause of his death is still unknown is because there will be an autopsy scheduled for tomorrow, there are no signs of foul play, instead at the moment his death is thought to be suicidal.
I have had these painful thoughts in my past and with God in my life, my friends, family I overcame my hard times. I know what you're thinking those of you that did not know this little secrete about me, it's always the one you least expect to do or even think of something as horrible as this. So it saddens me that Heath Ledger taking his own life is the most obvious reasoning at the moment, because he like me, like most stars seemed to have everything so together. So I close saying Heath Ledger, you will never be forgotten in the thoughts of those who knew you or admired you for your talent as I did, and you will forever live on in those you leave behind.
Sorry if this blog was boring to those that don't care about this subject or who was expecting something else from this post. I'm getting a little tired now so going to try to get some sleep and maybe I'll post tomorrow hopefully on a happier note.
To anyone interested in the full story I read follow this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22788914/?GT1=10755
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Japenese Exhbit =D
Jose Luis, my good friend from school, recently called me knowing I enjoy Japanese culture and invited me to a Japanese Exhibit which took place today. We planned it perfectly down to where to meet close to the museum and at what time(or so we thought) He calls me when I'm getting my clothes ready and was about to head down to eat my breakfast(lunch actually=after 11) that the exhibit starts two hours earlier than we(by we I mean Jose) originally thought so he told me to hurry that he was going to head out. That really through everything into a craze. My mom which was going to drop me off was not ready neither was my sister, we were running late to the new planned meeting time. Jose calls me very playfully says,"I'm here, where are you?" I told him that I was still at home but was just about to head out probably getting there in 15 to 20mins he said ok and we hung up, then we left the house and just for fun (not really) we discovered we had forgotten to fill up on gas the night before so we had to stop. While I was inside the gas station waiting to pay in this ridiculously long line he calls me again and ask if I was close I told him about the gas and he said it was fine that he was just making sure I wasn't standing him up(with an added laugh)
Finally I make it downtown and when I just around the corner and since my cell is rebelling against me I call him using my mom's cell(long story, I'll tell it maybe later) I tell him where I am, I could already see him wondering around trying to see me(oh yah, Jose why where you looking at the statue trying to find me, do you have x-ray vision you're not telling me about?) finally he spots me as I jump off. We then started towards the museum which was conveniently walking distance just down the street, I guess my mom must have turned around up the street or something because we were heading in the opposite direction we just arrived from and she honked and waved as she past us by.
We arrive at the museum and to our surprise it wasn't what was expected:A Japanese art exhibit, instead it was an exhibit of anemia for kids. We laughed the whole time as we realized we paid to see Japanese cartoons character figures, tv's with cartoon's such as Pokemon playing and lots of story book toys,ect... Well on the bright side, we had a good laugh as we read through the history of anemia, I had never been exposed to so much in my life but Jose had(he loves it) and it was funny watching him getting very excited with each passing station.
We decide to leave and head to the mall's food court, along the way I saw an old friend of mine BBC, we didn't stop to chat because he looked busy at work and I didn't want to get him in trouble but we waved and than we continued on our way. Speaking of continue, to continue the theme we decide on Asian food and to sit outside, big mistake(sitting outside, not the food) It started out nice and enjoyable as we sat across each other and began talking until a few pidgins decide to land on the ground next to us looking for food. Really it wouldn't have been a problem if it wouldn't have been for a young lady which decided to through it some food, once some food is spotted they all came and swarmed. Whoever she was with(I don't want to label because they could have been as me and Jose, just two friends hanging out) would swing his foot over in annoyance to keep them away but they still kept coming. Jose asked her nicely to please not feed them but she continued anyways soon a little kid started running to them scaring them where they were startled and began flying over us like crazy. Groused out we gathered our food and moved to a table inside,much better.
As we were eating I noticed a store up above where Jordan and I went before(home of his "This is my San Antonio," t-shirt) I told Jose about it and how I wanted to see if they had anymore(once again,long story, maybe later) After we finished eating we went upstairs to the store, no luck, they had the same shirt but not in Jordan's size so we went to the bookstore. It was awesome how many comic style books (novel size course) I saw and had no idea where there, it kind of made me wonder," How it was possible for me to have never become a comic book geek? Oh well, after spending a good time in the book store it was time to check out, Jose bought some books but I didn't (I own books which I still haven't even read yet)
Back to the inside of the mall, I was on a mission, my mom requested that I would find her something specific which we could find at Dillard's or Macy's. Never have I felt so out of place as I looked through all the girly creams, perfumes, and makeup only to not find what I was looking for(I'm girly but to a certain point) We left and along the way we saw another bookstore so we went in, of course Jose found another book.
Then we left the mall and headed to Jose's car, I don't recall what started it but I started teasing him about being a country boy seeing as how he leaves out in the middle of nowhere. I soon decided to stop, telling him since I never saw his car before he was going to pretend that it was stolen so he wouldn't give me a ride which would have a good punishment (it was getting cold) We laughed about it (no he didn't leave me there) as we drove out of the parking lot, when he turned I heard a strange yet familiar sound, I told him he needed power steering. He had no idea that was what that noise meant so he took my word for it and I guided him to a gas station to buy some. It was so funny, when we got there he had no idea what to get so I showed him his options and then just told him which to get. I decided to bag on him using sarcasm on how to open the hood, I thought I was going to have to put it in for him but he did it himself (yay Jose, I'll give you that)
Oh yah, my mom had her fun too when we were at Dillard's, she suggested that the next time we should go to a big people's museum at the Witti so since we were down the street and he didn't know how to get to it I was going to show him when I mentioned another bookstore being along the way. Needless to say, we stopped at the bookstore and Jose bought some more books. I love to read books but, dude, you're obsessed! NERD! :D We didn't go by the Witti we decided we had enough fun for one day so I called my mom and told her we were ready to meet her and that we were heading that way. As we drove back it came up somehow again about the power steering and I began to bag on him again and than I said the funniest thing, I told him,"I know this is going to sound nerdy, but this is so blog worthy," we both laughed before he begged me not to but I told him I would so he asked me to take it easy on him.
Just as we thought the fun was coming to an end, we see flashing lights behind us. I asked him is that for us? Just as he said I hope not, we hear the cop say to pull over to the right, it scared him so he swerved and then past a red light before pulling into a small parking lot right after the light. Before the cop came to the window we were both clueless, it turns out his car was reported stolen so we were both arrested! (Just kidding!) His right stop light was out so he pulled him over to warn him about it. He was asked for the usual and the cop checked him up on the computer real quick, as he did I laughed at Jose and told him for sure I would blog about it he agreed that I should, about the entire day, just than the cop came back and told us we were free to go.
Finally we made it to where we were going to meet my mom, we got there first so we sat in the car and talked some more until not long after, my mom came. He got off the car to meet her and ask for directions home, she told him how to get home and we were leaving the parking lot when Jose left me with one last thing to laugh about, as he reversed we all saw him almost hit this cement separation thing. Did you hit it? We really couldn't tell. =D Well we both made it home safe after our 4hours of non-stop fun and sarcasm. I really had fun, thanks. Maybe we should go to the "Big People's Museum." (I just had to get one last one in before the end of the day) =D
Finally I make it downtown and when I just around the corner and since my cell is rebelling against me I call him using my mom's cell(long story, I'll tell it maybe later) I tell him where I am, I could already see him wondering around trying to see me(oh yah, Jose why where you looking at the statue trying to find me, do you have x-ray vision you're not telling me about?) finally he spots me as I jump off. We then started towards the museum which was conveniently walking distance just down the street, I guess my mom must have turned around up the street or something because we were heading in the opposite direction we just arrived from and she honked and waved as she past us by.
We arrive at the museum and to our surprise it wasn't what was expected:A Japanese art exhibit, instead it was an exhibit of anemia for kids. We laughed the whole time as we realized we paid to see Japanese cartoons character figures, tv's with cartoon's such as Pokemon playing and lots of story book toys,ect... Well on the bright side, we had a good laugh as we read through the history of anemia, I had never been exposed to so much in my life but Jose had(he loves it) and it was funny watching him getting very excited with each passing station.
We decide to leave and head to the mall's food court, along the way I saw an old friend of mine BBC, we didn't stop to chat because he looked busy at work and I didn't want to get him in trouble but we waved and than we continued on our way. Speaking of continue, to continue the theme we decide on Asian food and to sit outside, big mistake(sitting outside, not the food) It started out nice and enjoyable as we sat across each other and began talking until a few pidgins decide to land on the ground next to us looking for food. Really it wouldn't have been a problem if it wouldn't have been for a young lady which decided to through it some food, once some food is spotted they all came and swarmed. Whoever she was with(I don't want to label because they could have been as me and Jose, just two friends hanging out) would swing his foot over in annoyance to keep them away but they still kept coming. Jose asked her nicely to please not feed them but she continued anyways soon a little kid started running to them scaring them where they were startled and began flying over us like crazy. Groused out we gathered our food and moved to a table inside,much better.
As we were eating I noticed a store up above where Jordan and I went before(home of his "This is my San Antonio," t-shirt) I told Jose about it and how I wanted to see if they had anymore(once again,long story, maybe later) After we finished eating we went upstairs to the store, no luck, they had the same shirt but not in Jordan's size so we went to the bookstore. It was awesome how many comic style books (novel size course) I saw and had no idea where there, it kind of made me wonder," How it was possible for me to have never become a comic book geek? Oh well, after spending a good time in the book store it was time to check out, Jose bought some books but I didn't (I own books which I still haven't even read yet)
Back to the inside of the mall, I was on a mission, my mom requested that I would find her something specific which we could find at Dillard's or Macy's. Never have I felt so out of place as I looked through all the girly creams, perfumes, and makeup only to not find what I was looking for(I'm girly but to a certain point) We left and along the way we saw another bookstore so we went in, of course Jose found another book.
Then we left the mall and headed to Jose's car, I don't recall what started it but I started teasing him about being a country boy seeing as how he leaves out in the middle of nowhere. I soon decided to stop, telling him since I never saw his car before he was going to pretend that it was stolen so he wouldn't give me a ride which would have a good punishment (it was getting cold) We laughed about it (no he didn't leave me there) as we drove out of the parking lot, when he turned I heard a strange yet familiar sound, I told him he needed power steering. He had no idea that was what that noise meant so he took my word for it and I guided him to a gas station to buy some. It was so funny, when we got there he had no idea what to get so I showed him his options and then just told him which to get. I decided to bag on him using sarcasm on how to open the hood, I thought I was going to have to put it in for him but he did it himself (yay Jose, I'll give you that)
Oh yah, my mom had her fun too when we were at Dillard's, she suggested that the next time we should go to a big people's museum at the Witti so since we were down the street and he didn't know how to get to it I was going to show him when I mentioned another bookstore being along the way. Needless to say, we stopped at the bookstore and Jose bought some more books. I love to read books but, dude, you're obsessed! NERD! :D We didn't go by the Witti we decided we had enough fun for one day so I called my mom and told her we were ready to meet her and that we were heading that way. As we drove back it came up somehow again about the power steering and I began to bag on him again and than I said the funniest thing, I told him,"I know this is going to sound nerdy, but this is so blog worthy," we both laughed before he begged me not to but I told him I would so he asked me to take it easy on him.
Just as we thought the fun was coming to an end, we see flashing lights behind us. I asked him is that for us? Just as he said I hope not, we hear the cop say to pull over to the right, it scared him so he swerved and then past a red light before pulling into a small parking lot right after the light. Before the cop came to the window we were both clueless, it turns out his car was reported stolen so we were both arrested! (Just kidding!) His right stop light was out so he pulled him over to warn him about it. He was asked for the usual and the cop checked him up on the computer real quick, as he did I laughed at Jose and told him for sure I would blog about it he agreed that I should, about the entire day, just than the cop came back and told us we were free to go.
Finally we made it to where we were going to meet my mom, we got there first so we sat in the car and talked some more until not long after, my mom came. He got off the car to meet her and ask for directions home, she told him how to get home and we were leaving the parking lot when Jose left me with one last thing to laugh about, as he reversed we all saw him almost hit this cement separation thing. Did you hit it? We really couldn't tell. =D Well we both made it home safe after our 4hours of non-stop fun and sarcasm. I really had fun, thanks. Maybe we should go to the "Big People's Museum." (I just had to get one last one in before the end of the day) =D
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Science of Love
Ok, this blog is short, sweet, and straight to the point more so for Jordan than any one else so if it seems questionably odd, that's why. 7 vs 3, could this be the explainantion?
Readers, you may not understand but this is still a very interesting thing, I recommend everyone to check out the link even if you don't know exactly what I mean.
This is a video called,"Science of Love."
You need to link to http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4148518&affil=koco (direct link to video).
Readers, you may not understand but this is still a very interesting thing, I recommend everyone to check out the link even if you don't know exactly what I mean.
This is a video called,"Science of Love."
You need to link to http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4148518&affil=koco (direct link to video).
Friday, January 18, 2008
End to the "R" Cliff hanger
First of all, sorry to all, I know that I haven't posted in a while and I may have left some of my readers in a cliffhanger about the whole "R" thing.
Back to the Ch: On Friday I sent "R" a very upset, civil, email explaining why I was upset with him and why I wasn't replying to his text. I saw him on Sunday at my cousin Eric's house. I was in his room with him talking when I got a phone call from my lil sis telling me to come out that "R" was there. The 1st thing I thought to myself was,"Oh God, now what is he going to say or do after the email?" I wasn't expecting to see or hear from him again so I was scared. As soon as I opened the door there, just down the semi dark hall he stood for a second before he saw me and started in my direction. I'll admit I was kind of afraid... We met half way down the hall and immediately he reached out his arms and gave me a BIG hug. Usually when I would try to hug him he seemed like he didn't want to, he would barely swing one arm around and pat me on the back as I would go for a full hug, boy would it make me feel stupid everytime. So of course, I was surprised, shocked, I hugged him back.
We went to join Eric in his room, as he played darts, "R" and I sat down and talked. We talked about his gf and things they have been up to and are planing on doing. I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed it. It was a very nice change compared to the way he was acting the previous week. He left before me but only went down the block to his dad's house.
Back ground: My other cousin(CM), Eric's mom, loves fish, at least she does now. (not to eat, real ones) Not too long ago we had a population overload of Guppies, a type of fish I like to refer to as,"The rabbits of the water." (I would say sea, but they are fresh water fish) To solve our problem we asked my cousin if she wanted some fish, she told us to take her some. We took about 6guppies to start her out and a little clear glass bowl to start her out until she would get her own. The next day when we talk to her the guppies were all she could talk about, we told her how we had so many that we couldn't even notice that the 6fish were gone, I mean there were just too many to count! She asked if she could have some more for her and some for her sis (CI) (my other cousin) since she had already given 3 of them away to (CI) like I said, it was a population overload so we agreed and took (CM) a cup scope full of fish for her and to share with (CI) We bought (CM) a small1/2gallon tank as a surprise her but as I said guppies=rabbits of the water=RW, to make a long story shorter, (CM) now owns a 10gallon tank.
Turns out, saddly, ALL of (CM's) fish died and another long story short, we were completely rid of RW's and started over with mixed Tretas=Trs. The funny thing is that we gave her 4 of our new Trs fish after discovering there was a lone baby RW survivor. I prepared another tank that we had at home, which we now gave to (CM), it's about 2gallons then my mom and I had to construct a lid out of an aluminum cake pan since we aren't sure what happened to the lid it came with. Afterwards I cleaned the 10gl tank (You could only imagine the pain in my back the next day however I'm not sure anyone would want to)
End to the Ch: As we left I sent "R" a text: We're heading home. It was nice talking2 u 2dA,thats how I hope our friendship will always be. :) and he sent me: Be careful see you around. which I followed with: U too. :) I was so happy, maybe we can have the friendship that I always wanted us to have. I really felt a great sense of relief and I feel like I am starting anew. It feels great, I feel great, hopefully this will be a great year all around...
Oh yah, Sam? Julie? what's going on with you? Sam you haven't posted a new blog and Julie, you haven't posted a comment on mine, is everything peachy kean jelly bean? Let me know what's up :)
Back to the Ch: On Friday I sent "R" a very upset, civil, email explaining why I was upset with him and why I wasn't replying to his text. I saw him on Sunday at my cousin Eric's house. I was in his room with him talking when I got a phone call from my lil sis telling me to come out that "R" was there. The 1st thing I thought to myself was,"Oh God, now what is he going to say or do after the email?" I wasn't expecting to see or hear from him again so I was scared. As soon as I opened the door there, just down the semi dark hall he stood for a second before he saw me and started in my direction. I'll admit I was kind of afraid... We met half way down the hall and immediately he reached out his arms and gave me a BIG hug. Usually when I would try to hug him he seemed like he didn't want to, he would barely swing one arm around and pat me on the back as I would go for a full hug, boy would it make me feel stupid everytime. So of course, I was surprised, shocked, I hugged him back.
We went to join Eric in his room, as he played darts, "R" and I sat down and talked. We talked about his gf and things they have been up to and are planing on doing. I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed it. It was a very nice change compared to the way he was acting the previous week. He left before me but only went down the block to his dad's house.
Back ground: My other cousin(CM), Eric's mom, loves fish, at least she does now. (not to eat, real ones) Not too long ago we had a population overload of Guppies, a type of fish I like to refer to as,"The rabbits of the water." (I would say sea, but they are fresh water fish) To solve our problem we asked my cousin if she wanted some fish, she told us to take her some. We took about 6guppies to start her out and a little clear glass bowl to start her out until she would get her own. The next day when we talk to her the guppies were all she could talk about, we told her how we had so many that we couldn't even notice that the 6fish were gone, I mean there were just too many to count! She asked if she could have some more for her and some for her sis (CI) (my other cousin) since she had already given 3 of them away to (CI) like I said, it was a population overload so we agreed and took (CM) a cup scope full of fish for her and to share with (CI) We bought (CM) a small1/2gallon tank as a surprise her but as I said guppies=rabbits of the water=RW, to make a long story shorter, (CM) now owns a 10gallon tank.
Turns out, saddly, ALL of (CM's) fish died and another long story short, we were completely rid of RW's and started over with mixed Tretas=Trs. The funny thing is that we gave her 4 of our new Trs fish after discovering there was a lone baby RW survivor. I prepared another tank that we had at home, which we now gave to (CM), it's about 2gallons then my mom and I had to construct a lid out of an aluminum cake pan since we aren't sure what happened to the lid it came with. Afterwards I cleaned the 10gl tank (You could only imagine the pain in my back the next day however I'm not sure anyone would want to)
End to the Ch: As we left I sent "R" a text: We're heading home. It was nice talking2 u 2dA,thats how I hope our friendship will always be. :) and he sent me: Be careful see you around. which I followed with: U too. :) I was so happy, maybe we can have the friendship that I always wanted us to have. I really felt a great sense of relief and I feel like I am starting anew. It feels great, I feel great, hopefully this will be a great year all around...
Oh yah, Sam? Julie? what's going on with you? Sam you haven't posted a new blog and Julie, you haven't posted a comment on mine, is everything peachy kean jelly bean? Let me know what's up :)
Monday, January 7, 2008
First blog of the New Year!!!
I'mmm Baaaaaaaaaaack...
Hello everyone did you miss me? I missed blogging, there were so many times that I just really wanted to run to my local library and go at it but obviously that's not as easy as it sounds.
So what did I do this break..? First of all let review my goals I set for the break, I did accomplish some of my goals:
1. I did clean my room and I mean CLEAN, I did a complete overhaul.
2. I finally was able to sleep comfortably. I could have still got more sleep than I did but still I tried and I managed to go without drinking coffee everyday so that shows improvement on my sleep time.
3. Opened lots of presents (I love my pj's and slippers from mi amor, Jordan-There green!) =)
4. Gave lots of presents :) (I was not able to see everyone on actual Christmas so I gave the day before, Christmas and I finally finished yesterday when I gave "R" his-A grey snoser stuffed animal which looked just like the one he use to have named "Boy." (Now I think that maybe I still shouldn't have even given it to him afterall, I'll explain why later on in this blog)
5. I read my monthly nerd magazines "Potential", "Spectrum", and some technology related articles from business weekly-which I don't think I will be renewing my subscription.
6. Definitely still stressing about returning to school.
So Recap on what happened this Christmas break:
Jordan and I had our ups and downs as usual only not like usual (not sure if that makes sense) Ok, we usually have little arguments here and there but we have one major one that almost ended our relationship. I'm not really wanting to get too into the details but it was about religion (a huge priority in my life) well anyways, things were pretty bad and I had to think hard about things. In the end I guess I just can't or don't want to let go just yet.
Jordan, I know our relationship is complicated honey but I'm glad that we worked things out I love you. Thanks for being there for me yesterday, I wish you really could be here maybe then things would be a little more bare able. (sigh) Oh well I'm still lucky to have you in my life one way or another, I keep thinking about when you were here and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I miss you so much, its not fair that we can't be together.
Yesterday I saw and was so upset, with "R" lately he had been acting like an A** ! Ok, for those which are familiar with my blog, my days of stressing out worrying about "R" are done. I mean, I don't even think that there are words to describe how pissed off I was I'm sooooooooooooo over trying to be nice with him, I have NEVER, EVER felt so stupid for caring. I actually asked him straight out, "do really want to be my friend or are you just saying that because lately you have been acting like a A**?" He said he wanted to still be my friend but I'm still not convinced if he truly wanted to be friends with me than why would he be acting this way with me?
I was with my cousin in his room and we were talking about our relations when "R" came in and ruined everything. Just as a side note "R" and my cousin Eric were best friends and they still talk once in a while. Well "R" started showing Eric his "myspace" claiming it to be better than "blogging" (because he knows that I blog but I haven't and won't give him my address to him) and then he linked over to his gf's "myspace." To me it seemed like he was trying to rub it in as he went on and on to Eric about her (while I was still in the room, loudly might I add) I didn't say anything, I really don't care! Ha,ha!
Jose Luis called me while I was there, by the thank you soooooooooooo much for that! I needed an escape from listening to "R." Once again, ha,ha, I think that it bothered "R" more that I was talking to someone than him trying to get me jealous with talking about his gf and showing off pictures(and that's cause I wasn't even trying). Anyways, "R" kept turning and looking over in my direction as I talked with Jose Luis then Jordan called... I switched over quickly to tell him I would call back cause Jose wanted to three-way, Jordan agreed and shortly I connected us. (sigh) I should have learned my lesson when I three-way called Sumo and Jordan(apparently not) I soon because lost in the nerd babble between Jose and Jordan. I think that "R" was getting even more annoyed with me talking to two guys instead of one, and he started being an A** again. He started playing with this Simpson toy of Flanders, on the back you push a button and it says,"There's always room for one more Flanders!" I didn't care that he kept pushing it and I told him that it didn't bothered me, I guess since it didn't bother me he just decided to try and annoy either Jose or Jordan as he held the stupid toy right at my mic on the phone. He kept pushing and pushing it and it started to get on Jordan's nerves so I pushed him away and he came back still doing pushing it so I ripped it out of his hand and went to sit on my cousins bed.
If that wasn't bad enough he started making fun the way I was breathing (I've always had really bad sinus problems where occasionally it feels like I can't breathe so I guess I sound funny) he would never make fun of me about this before because even my dad had the same problem as me. At first I didn't care that he was laughing I just ignored him until he saw that it was not bothering me so he started calling me names. Still I tried to ignore him but "R" just had to kept it up being the A** that he was or is. I continued to talk to Jose and Jordan than Jordan had to go for a while so I continued talking to Jose. "R" still kept up with the name calling and then he started imitating my breathing and that did bothered but I still said nothing. He kept going until finally I had enough, I said nothing, I got up, walk to the door, left, slamming the door behind me. I sat in the living room for probably no more than two mins when Jose had to go, we hung up and just than Jordan called. I told Jordan how upset I was with "R" and how badly I wanted to cry but there was nowhere to go and I didn't want anyone to see me, especially "R" (he probably would have really enjoyed that).
Shortly after that "R" came out of my cousins room, he talk to my mom about something really quick and than he said bye to everyone even me, I said bye but he knew that I was upset. A few mins later I got a text from him that said,"Hey didn't mean to piss u off. I want to be your friend but your gonna have to accept who and how I am sry for being me. See u later buddy."
My cousin Eric came out to the living room where I was and he told me that he was going to go take a shower, if I wanted to I could go talk in his room so I could have some privacy and when he came out we could talk some more. I'm pretty sure that he realized that I was upset, I almost couldn't stand it anymore so I took him up on his offer. I continued to talk to Jordan about what happened and how I was feeling, he told me that I needed to let it all out and just cry since I was going to be alone for a while(which doesn't happen too often) still I tried to hold it in but I gave up and cried a lot. Jordan was so great, he comforted me while I practically cried my eyes out.
Oh yah, surprise for me, my friend Bobbie(here's a surprise for my readers, Bobbie is actually a girl) called me from out of the green ;) perfect timing if you ask me, I told her that I really needed to talk to her later that I was going through something. I've been feeling so alone lately, it's not that I don't have friends, its just that most of them are boys it felt so good to hear from Bobbie, we go way back to fourth grade maybe I'll post about that someday. I told her that I would call her later because I needed to talk, it made me feel a lot better for a brief moment when she said that she's always there for me whenever I needed her I could just call.
Before we left my cousin's house I apologized for walking out, I told him that I wasn't mad at him and we talked about for a while and than we had to go home. On the drive home I told my mom how "R" was acting and it felt so good that she finally agreed with me that maybe I should just let him go his own way, I deserve better friends than that and I have them already so why waste my time on someone who is acting really childish and doesn't care anymore. Maybe I really should ignore him and just learn to be a little cold heart and finally let go.
Hello everyone did you miss me? I missed blogging, there were so many times that I just really wanted to run to my local library and go at it but obviously that's not as easy as it sounds.
So what did I do this break..? First of all let review my goals I set for the break, I did accomplish some of my goals:
1. I did clean my room and I mean CLEAN, I did a complete overhaul.
2. I finally was able to sleep comfortably. I could have still got more sleep than I did but still I tried and I managed to go without drinking coffee everyday so that shows improvement on my sleep time.
3. Opened lots of presents (I love my pj's and slippers from mi amor, Jordan-There green!) =)
4. Gave lots of presents :) (I was not able to see everyone on actual Christmas so I gave the day before, Christmas and I finally finished yesterday when I gave "R" his-A grey snoser stuffed animal which looked just like the one he use to have named "Boy." (Now I think that maybe I still shouldn't have even given it to him afterall, I'll explain why later on in this blog)
5. I read my monthly nerd magazines "Potential", "Spectrum", and some technology related articles from business weekly-which I don't think I will be renewing my subscription.
6. Definitely still stressing about returning to school.
So Recap on what happened this Christmas break:
Jordan and I had our ups and downs as usual only not like usual (not sure if that makes sense) Ok, we usually have little arguments here and there but we have one major one that almost ended our relationship. I'm not really wanting to get too into the details but it was about religion (a huge priority in my life) well anyways, things were pretty bad and I had to think hard about things. In the end I guess I just can't or don't want to let go just yet.
Jordan, I know our relationship is complicated honey but I'm glad that we worked things out I love you. Thanks for being there for me yesterday, I wish you really could be here maybe then things would be a little more bare able. (sigh) Oh well I'm still lucky to have you in my life one way or another, I keep thinking about when you were here and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I miss you so much, its not fair that we can't be together.
Yesterday I saw and was so upset, with "R" lately he had been acting like an A** ! Ok, for those which are familiar with my blog, my days of stressing out worrying about "R" are done. I mean, I don't even think that there are words to describe how pissed off I was I'm sooooooooooooo over trying to be nice with him, I have NEVER, EVER felt so stupid for caring. I actually asked him straight out, "do really want to be my friend or are you just saying that because lately you have been acting like a A**?" He said he wanted to still be my friend but I'm still not convinced if he truly wanted to be friends with me than why would he be acting this way with me?
I was with my cousin in his room and we were talking about our relations when "R" came in and ruined everything. Just as a side note "R" and my cousin Eric were best friends and they still talk once in a while. Well "R" started showing Eric his "myspace" claiming it to be better than "blogging" (because he knows that I blog but I haven't and won't give him my address to him) and then he linked over to his gf's "myspace." To me it seemed like he was trying to rub it in as he went on and on to Eric about her (while I was still in the room, loudly might I add) I didn't say anything, I really don't care! Ha,ha!
Jose Luis called me while I was there, by the thank you soooooooooooo much for that! I needed an escape from listening to "R." Once again, ha,ha, I think that it bothered "R" more that I was talking to someone than him trying to get me jealous with talking about his gf and showing off pictures(and that's cause I wasn't even trying). Anyways, "R" kept turning and looking over in my direction as I talked with Jose Luis then Jordan called... I switched over quickly to tell him I would call back cause Jose wanted to three-way, Jordan agreed and shortly I connected us. (sigh) I should have learned my lesson when I three-way called Sumo and Jordan(apparently not) I soon because lost in the nerd babble between Jose and Jordan. I think that "R" was getting even more annoyed with me talking to two guys instead of one, and he started being an A** again. He started playing with this Simpson toy of Flanders, on the back you push a button and it says,"There's always room for one more Flanders!" I didn't care that he kept pushing it and I told him that it didn't bothered me, I guess since it didn't bother me he just decided to try and annoy either Jose or Jordan as he held the stupid toy right at my mic on the phone. He kept pushing and pushing it and it started to get on Jordan's nerves so I pushed him away and he came back still doing pushing it so I ripped it out of his hand and went to sit on my cousins bed.
If that wasn't bad enough he started making fun the way I was breathing (I've always had really bad sinus problems where occasionally it feels like I can't breathe so I guess I sound funny) he would never make fun of me about this before because even my dad had the same problem as me. At first I didn't care that he was laughing I just ignored him until he saw that it was not bothering me so he started calling me names. Still I tried to ignore him but "R" just had to kept it up being the A** that he was or is. I continued to talk to Jose and Jordan than Jordan had to go for a while so I continued talking to Jose. "R" still kept up with the name calling and then he started imitating my breathing and that did bothered but I still said nothing. He kept going until finally I had enough, I said nothing, I got up, walk to the door, left, slamming the door behind me. I sat in the living room for probably no more than two mins when Jose had to go, we hung up and just than Jordan called. I told Jordan how upset I was with "R" and how badly I wanted to cry but there was nowhere to go and I didn't want anyone to see me, especially "R" (he probably would have really enjoyed that).
Shortly after that "R" came out of my cousins room, he talk to my mom about something really quick and than he said bye to everyone even me, I said bye but he knew that I was upset. A few mins later I got a text from him that said,"Hey didn't mean to piss u off. I want to be your friend but your gonna have to accept who and how I am sry for being me. See u later buddy."
My cousin Eric came out to the living room where I was and he told me that he was going to go take a shower, if I wanted to I could go talk in his room so I could have some privacy and when he came out we could talk some more. I'm pretty sure that he realized that I was upset, I almost couldn't stand it anymore so I took him up on his offer. I continued to talk to Jordan about what happened and how I was feeling, he told me that I needed to let it all out and just cry since I was going to be alone for a while(which doesn't happen too often) still I tried to hold it in but I gave up and cried a lot. Jordan was so great, he comforted me while I practically cried my eyes out.
Oh yah, surprise for me, my friend Bobbie(here's a surprise for my readers, Bobbie is actually a girl) called me from out of the green ;) perfect timing if you ask me, I told her that I really needed to talk to her later that I was going through something. I've been feeling so alone lately, it's not that I don't have friends, its just that most of them are boys it felt so good to hear from Bobbie, we go way back to fourth grade maybe I'll post about that someday. I told her that I would call her later because I needed to talk, it made me feel a lot better for a brief moment when she said that she's always there for me whenever I needed her I could just call.
Before we left my cousin's house I apologized for walking out, I told him that I wasn't mad at him and we talked about for a while and than we had to go home. On the drive home I told my mom how "R" was acting and it felt so good that she finally agreed with me that maybe I should just let him go his own way, I deserve better friends than that and I have them already so why waste my time on someone who is acting really childish and doesn't care anymore. Maybe I really should ignore him and just learn to be a little cold heart and finally let go.
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