Irony

Just a warning: To fully understand this blog you must start reading from the blog titled “Letting Go” and “The Haunting” trust me it will make more sense then, and only then…
Today was a day full of irony and just as everyone may already know, irony really, really sucks. Yesterday I had to work late making calls so Jordan and I only had about ten to fifteen minuets to talk so right away, I’m admitting it was all my fault. Our short conversation got really serious, we started talking about problems and what was bothering me lately. We didn’t talk much but we both agreed we had to talk about it the next day which was today.
To come straight out with it, yesterday I was serious about breaking up with Jordan.
All day I kept thinking about it and I really didn’t know what was going to happen when we would talk again. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just angry with him for his recent absence due to build season so I actually thought ALL DAY. I went through everything, pictures, old letters, I even read through almost all my old post. All day I wanted to cry and at some instances I did when I was alone in my room, shut out from the world.
Talk about irony, I sent Jordan a personalized dark chocolate card that read, ”I love you, Fy 394.-Sarah” which was suppose to arrive on Valentines Day, instead he got it earlier allowing him, still undecided on what to get me, the opportunity to get an idea. Jordan told me that he had sent me a surprise which he ordered before Valentines, the idea being a sort of a spin off of my gift but I think we were both beginning to wonder if it was ever going to actually get here. Well today I got it today. It was a chocotelegram, the paper card read, ”Revenge! FY/392, Jordan.” The chocolate its read, “I love you too! FY392 –Jordan,” and it had two hearts, one on each of the bottom corners.
I wanted to cry from the moment I saw the paper card, talk about irony, I receive my surprise the day after I almost broke up with Jordan, and was still trying to decide what to do; and for it to read Revenge! Oh, it was revenge alright, stupid Timing! I showed my mom, she had never heard me tell Jordan that I loved him (although its been countless times already) except one time when he was joining in on am inside joke that only my mom, my lil’ sis, and I knew about. Yep, today was the day she found out for sure.
Another irony that only Jordan would understand, today I found out what happened to the “Dead guy that magically came back after twenty years,” so that chapter of my life is over which SOOOOOOOOOO wasn’t worth it, at least I can spear myself all the stupidity and FINALLY stop watching now!
Anyways, getting back to what really matters, well as usual, when it came time when Jordan was able to talk and called me, I had something to do so I told him that I would call him back which I was planning to, only he beat me just as I arrived home to be able to talk in the privacy of my own room.
We got to talking and we went back to our seriousness. I’m not sure what sparked it but I told Jordan, “well to tell you the truth, I was leading towards breaking up with you yesterday.” I told him about my “thinking” all day and things started getting quite. Eventually reluctant and calmly he said, “Well the question I want to know is, do you want to stay with me or end it now?” I went on telling him everything I thought about and why. Soon I was crying as was Jordan, our talk time was almost up but I couldn’t wait another day to tell him how I felt so I continued cry while talking, barely understandable for him.
We went into an overtime, and continued talking as if we had all the time in the world which it felt like I needed to fully explain myself. Finally I made up my mind to tell him my decision that I still love him and after thinking about it long enough, I do trust him(Letter from a Secrete Admirer) but I didn’t want to end up like “R” and I, hardly friends, that we should end it now before we end up hurting each other.
I’ve always been bad with break ups but this seemed like the hardest, as I told Jordan I didn’t want to let him go but I fell like I almost didn’t even have him anyways. We both balled (cried, A LOT) together on the phone then we talked about how we both didn’t know what we were going to do now, and how Austin (the one who introduced us to each other in the first place) and his mom, which considered me to be the perfect girlfriend; were going to be disappointed. Then as we calmed down a little, I asked Jordan if he believed in “fate.” He said he wasn’t sure and questioned why I asked, I told him that I do, and that I believe if we were truly meant to be together that someday will be. He agreed with me saying he could believe that.
We talked for a while and finally told me what he was thinking as he was driving home earlier today (which he told me at the beginning of our conversation, that he would tell me about after we were done talking) It was the sad thoughts which we had shared in the past referring to what I mentioned in, “Always the least expected,” suicide. I began to cry and begging him not to, he assured me that he wouldn’t but was telling me how it did cross his mind, and why he purposely didn’t mention it until after we talked.
He explained that he didn’t want me to think that he was trying to influence my decision by feeling sorry for him or obligated to remain with him simply to prevent it from happening. Jordan told me how he thinks he’ll be fine and I asked if we could still talk and if he would still call me; it made me feel better when he didn’t even hesitate to answer, “Of course.” Then I told him, “I really did mean it when I said I had no regrets about us,” he told me he meant it too.
I must admit, I’m sad and somewhat heartbroken, but as we talked I felt a sense of relief because I know that we’ll be alright. With all finally said and done, now it is understandable why irony played such a crazy role from the beginning of our relationship and into the return of us as friends. We’ll still be there to help each other get by.
I still love Jordan, I felt closer to him then I ever did with anyone else. There’s no way anyone could ever truly understand how we feel but it doesn’t matter because we know.