Realization

After thinking about everything that has happened lately, all the memories of “R”, I thought I was angry at him but I’m not. I have come to really appreciate “R” and the “haunting” that he was doing to me. I now realize what this whole thing was all about, I kept thinking about it and I figured out that “R” lied to me. He said that he loved me, and I believe that he did I still believe that, but after we broke up he said that he still loved me and that he didn’t want anyone else but me, he said couldn’t, he didn’t even want to try. Now that I have been “haunted” for a good while, I figured out what was really going on with him, he wanted to have someone to love he just thought it had to be me which turns out not to be true. The thing now is that it has made me think about my relationship with Jordan.
Jordan recently received a “love letter” from his “secrete admirer” at school which I wrote about in a previous blog. The thing about it, I did not mind, I thought that it was funny actually. That was until after we got off the phone when I had the chance to think about what he said. I wasn’t upset about Jordan getting the letter or what it said, the thing that really bothered me was how he reacted to it. He was trying to figure out who sent it, really thinking hard, I guess I kind of encouraged it when I brought up one girl that he told me about before. He agreed with me that it probably was that girl, then he started questioning it. “Well what if it is that girl? Remember I told you I use to have a crush on her? She’s here. What if I would leave you for her? No, I can’t leave you for her, even if she’s here, I love you Sarah. I want to be happy but I want to be happy with you.” As we were talking I kept thinking , aww…he really loves me, he has a chance to have someone there with him, instead he wants me. However, like I said I thought about it after we got off the phone, I wanted to talk to him about it the next day but I didn’t have enough time to talk to him about it so I told him that the next day we needed to talk about something which was yesterday.
Yesterday to my surprise, Jordan remembered that we had something to talk about and he was willing to hear it. I must admit I thought he was going to try to avoid the whole conversation as he use to but he really has been keeping up with his promise he made me back in November. Well any ways, he reminded me about wanting to talk, he first asked if it was bad and I told him kind of. With that note he said he had to put up some clothes first so that I could have his full attention.
I told him how it really bothered me how he was acting and that he was actually considering leaving me for someone that wrote him a letter. He remained casual saying he had a feeling it had to do with that. DUH!!!! What else could it possibly be?! It’s only common sense, I’m not a jealous person at all, people are surprised with how much of a relaxed and trusting girlfriend I am. Sometimes I surprise myself. So now what am I suppose to do? How can I trust you if you don’t even trust yourself?
Well you told me that you were thinking about it earlier this morning and you realized that you didn’t care about the letter or whoever wrote it, you wanted to stay with me. You decided that you wanted to stay with me no matter who the letter was from. The way you talked about it you made it seem like I should have been thrilled with what you said and just take your word for it. You actually had the nerve to ask me if I was still upset with you, once again, DUH!!! I’m not going to just magically forgive you because of what you said. You honestly don’t get the whole picture, do you? You think that by telling me in a casual way I’m going to just forgive and forget. For now I forgive you, for now; but I’m not sure if I will ever forget what you said, how could I
If only I could forget as easily as you. Well I can’t, not this so if I seem different you’ll know why. In the famous words of Sumo, “I don’t know how you’re going to dig your way out of this one.”
I have come to figure out what the “haunting” was really about. what if the whole “haunting” is just some kind of a warning to me that something isn’t right here and I should really think closely about my relationship with Jordan, is it all Really worth it?
In a way, the “haunting” isn’t just “R” coming back to torment me, maybe he is the only way I could actually figure out what’s been going on. As these “haunting came about I kept remembering things about my relationship with “R” and then I realize, wait a minuet, Jordan and I are going through similar things at the moment. Do I really want history to repeat itself?