God loves all his little children, but who does he love more? This was the question that was brought up today between Sumo and I when we sort of had a little bet going, for some strange reason I can never remember Sumo’s B-day until there’s just a week left before it and I have to remind myself daily so I won’t forget.
Well Sumo and I were joking about something and it came down to when is Sumo’s B-day? I remember the month but I forget the day so I said the wrong day, and after saying another wrong day, Sumo had an idea of an “agreement” giving me two more chances to guess correctly or I would have to do something, don’t worry, nothing bad, no funny business. Well I was thinking I was pretty much screwed, it was in the back of my mind but sadly I couldn’t remember as usual. I started thinking really hard and once again I guessed wrong.
One more chance left and I started thinking really hard, I had a number in my head but I was afraid of guessing wrong so I didn’t say it. We both laughed at how hard I thought of this, he even gave me a hint which helped me to know it was possible that I might have been correct yet still I doubted myself and still said nothing.
Just then I told him I had a number in my head but I was afraid to say, and Sumo said,” If God loves me, you’ll get this wrong.” It was funny how he said it and I still was doubting, so I still said nothing. I joined in saying things that I’ve done for God, through church, to deserve to win, in a joking matter of course (we all know God doesn’t play favorites)
Well here’s where Sumo began bargaining with God to let me guess wrong but he started with, “Oh baby Jesus…” (like Ricky Bobby) as he counted down time for me to answer and I started laughing so hard and I was rolling around on my bed. Yes, this was Sumo’s dorkyness at it’s finest-as stated by Sumo himself. He continued on to saying he would go to church every Sunday (which he normally misses 2 or 3 weeks in a roll) Well, just then, something clicked in my head and I realized that I was wrong, I remembered the day but when he came to the end of his count down I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t answer, oh, the things he said… Now that was “foony!”
Finally I calmed down and said my last guess and there was just silence for a moment… he told me it was wrong, then quickly he told the truth that I was right. Then he said that proved God loved me more, but I corrected him and told him it was because God knew he was lying about going to church every Sunday. That’s God’s sense of humor for ya, he knows when you’re telling the truth, how else could it be explained why I, so wrong, yet sincere, realized the correct answer as Sumo trying to lie..?
God truly does have a sense of humor, and he loves us all equally however if you try to lie to him…God will slightly play favorites at times to show who you’re messing with. ;)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
It's Easter and feelin' girly
Yay! Today was Easter Sunday! Today is not the day for the Easter bunny, and finding eggs with special treats awaiting it’s happy finder, or a time for buying meaningless commercial driven gifts. (Granted we all fall for the mumble jumble any ways) No, today was the day that we rejoice and celebrate our lord and savior Jesus Christ rising from the dead after paying for our sins through crucifixion. (For the those poor souls which have no idea what I’m talking about, please refer to the Bible quote to the right of this blog also located at the very bottom-John 3:16) Rejoice! He has risen!
At church the grown up watched “The Passion of the Christ” as the kids, my small class, worked on the Easter projects (decorating visor hats to wear outside during their Easter egg hunt.) After they finished they turned there attention to watch the crucifixion part of the movie to the end (the true significance of Easter and how much God loves to spare us from our own sins) They were a little frightened by it but they have to learn what happened sometime…There was no crying, only total silence as we watched on to the gruesome sense so realistic.
As I said, no crying but we discussed the movie altogether afterwards, then we had an Easter lunch to which we all contributed our part. Then there was the Easter egg hunt which is always funny since the adults are encouraged to play as well. There’s just no way of forgetting, the very idea of my mom running after Easter eggs hiding on the pastor’s grill of his truck (which he himself placed there) if that’s not funny enough, the image of her and my little sister running at the same time, and my mom winning; I could imagine the memory of that will forever put a smile on my face just thinking about it.
Afterwards we headed down one street to my cousin’s house, as we do every Sunday. Today we helped make the potatoe salad, cutting up potatoes, pickles, and celery. It felt so weird using there knives and a glass plate. Oh lord, I’m so spoiled by Cutco, for those that don’t have the slightest clue of what I’m talking, let’s just say without getting into details, I basically have a job selling the worlds must awesome knives! Oh well, it was great spending the holidays with family as usual.
Now, here’s where I get to the part where I felt girly:
Today I felt so girly, I was wearing a greenish blue skirt with flowers and white vines (very Easterish) with a white tank top(spaghetti strapped) and a nice black cover up on top. I’m not normally this girly looking (well I guess sort of, there’s no way of mistaking my gender) but today, clothing wise, this skirt made me feel really girly.., all day.
When I talked to Sumo earlier I told him the funny part about the whole situation. Since I’m not use to dressing this particular type of girly style I originally didn’t have a shirt that would match. The only white shirt I had that was white has little tiny holes (purposely) in a pattern of a bunch of little flowers that didn’t match the flowers on the skirt. What is a girl to do? No really, I had no idea, except do something that probably only a boy, or in my case, someone not so girly would do… Like I said it had a hole pattern so no I didn’t turn it inside out, what did I do then..? I wore the shirt backwards because the pattern was only on the front and the back was just plan white.
Oh, just wait it gets more “foony” (inside joke that only a few would understand) as I continued to get ready to go, I bent down to reach something and you know what happened..? The tag did as tags do, it came out and how funny would that had been if I hadn’t noticed it until I was already out in public to show everyone that I was wearing my shirt backwards. So now what did I do? Did I change the shirt? No, I was determined to wear that stupid girly skirt so what did I do? Simple, I got the scissors and cut the tag completely off and you know what, you know what, you know what? It worked! I told you I have my brilliant moments; I just was never specific on what definition of brilliance. ;)
At church the grown up watched “The Passion of the Christ” as the kids, my small class, worked on the Easter projects (decorating visor hats to wear outside during their Easter egg hunt.) After they finished they turned there attention to watch the crucifixion part of the movie to the end (the true significance of Easter and how much God loves to spare us from our own sins) They were a little frightened by it but they have to learn what happened sometime…There was no crying, only total silence as we watched on to the gruesome sense so realistic.
As I said, no crying but we discussed the movie altogether afterwards, then we had an Easter lunch to which we all contributed our part. Then there was the Easter egg hunt which is always funny since the adults are encouraged to play as well. There’s just no way of forgetting, the very idea of my mom running after Easter eggs hiding on the pastor’s grill of his truck (which he himself placed there) if that’s not funny enough, the image of her and my little sister running at the same time, and my mom winning; I could imagine the memory of that will forever put a smile on my face just thinking about it.
Afterwards we headed down one street to my cousin’s house, as we do every Sunday. Today we helped make the potatoe salad, cutting up potatoes, pickles, and celery. It felt so weird using there knives and a glass plate. Oh lord, I’m so spoiled by Cutco, for those that don’t have the slightest clue of what I’m talking, let’s just say without getting into details, I basically have a job selling the worlds must awesome knives! Oh well, it was great spending the holidays with family as usual.
Now, here’s where I get to the part where I felt girly:
Today I felt so girly, I was wearing a greenish blue skirt with flowers and white vines (very Easterish) with a white tank top(spaghetti strapped) and a nice black cover up on top. I’m not normally this girly looking (well I guess sort of, there’s no way of mistaking my gender) but today, clothing wise, this skirt made me feel really girly.., all day.
When I talked to Sumo earlier I told him the funny part about the whole situation. Since I’m not use to dressing this particular type of girly style I originally didn’t have a shirt that would match. The only white shirt I had that was white has little tiny holes (purposely) in a pattern of a bunch of little flowers that didn’t match the flowers on the skirt. What is a girl to do? No really, I had no idea, except do something that probably only a boy, or in my case, someone not so girly would do… Like I said it had a hole pattern so no I didn’t turn it inside out, what did I do then..? I wore the shirt backwards because the pattern was only on the front and the back was just plan white.
Oh, just wait it gets more “foony” (inside joke that only a few would understand) as I continued to get ready to go, I bent down to reach something and you know what happened..? The tag did as tags do, it came out and how funny would that had been if I hadn’t noticed it until I was already out in public to show everyone that I was wearing my shirt backwards. So now what did I do? Did I change the shirt? No, I was determined to wear that stupid girly skirt so what did I do? Simple, I got the scissors and cut the tag completely off and you know what, you know what, you know what? It worked! I told you I have my brilliant moments; I just was never specific on what definition of brilliance. ;)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
How Dare You!!!
To anyone wanting to just start reading this blog from where its at, don't, you have to read from "A New Realization" and work your way up to understand what's going on. I still left some blanks in between these last blogs posted so I will fill them in tomorrow but just as a fair warning, they ARE more crazy sounding then the blogs I did choose to post today.
Now that my blog posting time is almost up I should post this, today's actually blog which I'm writing now. I'm pretty pissed off with Jordan for some reasons that will be revealed in tomorrows blog postings but for now I have one thing that I must say today, Jordan I don't appreciate that you read my warning and then joked about it laughing at my "multiple personalities" as you put it. How dare you!
For future reference, whenever someone says they feel like they're actually going crazy, don't mock them! That's exactly why I always talk to Sumo first, he doesn't mock me as you repeatedly have in the past and continue to do so! What's your problem!?! For someone smart you sure are acting stupid! Thanks to you I have another theory blog which I WILL post tomorrow so that you can see the total damage that your insensitive comments have done to me over night. THANKS A LOT!!! Just as I was feeling a little better after a weeks worth of release, I hope you're freakin' happy cause I'm not!
Now that my blog posting time is almost up I should post this, today's actually blog which I'm writing now. I'm pretty pissed off with Jordan for some reasons that will be revealed in tomorrows blog postings but for now I have one thing that I must say today, Jordan I don't appreciate that you read my warning and then joked about it laughing at my "multiple personalities" as you put it. How dare you!
For future reference, whenever someone says they feel like they're actually going crazy, don't mock them! That's exactly why I always talk to Sumo first, he doesn't mock me as you repeatedly have in the past and continue to do so! What's your problem!?! For someone smart you sure are acting stupid! Thanks to you I have another theory blog which I WILL post tomorrow so that you can see the total damage that your insensitive comments have done to me over night. THANKS A LOT!!! Just as I was feeling a little better after a weeks worth of release, I hope you're freakin' happy cause I'm not!
The Curse
Yesterday to my surprise Sumo told me there was something he wanted to tell me, I tried to get it out of him but he told me I had to wait until later for him to tell me. Later he told me, “I think I love you” I was shocked and had no idea how to respond, I was really speechless but my mind was going crazy with thoughts. I felt bad for not responding back in a matter which is normally expected (as in “I love you too.”) I just couldn’t, the first thing that I thought about was my love for Jordan and how strong it really is. Secondly I felt bad for Sumo, I don’t even know what I did to make him feel this way, I was just me and I guess that was enough. Poor Sumo, he has now, unknowingly fallen into the cursed domain.
I’m not sure what it is about me that sucks guys into me, all I know is that when they are done with me, they are never the same, never done. I’m not being conceded, I’m serious, I think of it as a curs and I’m pretty sure the guys of my past would consider to be one as well if they only knew.
The only one that truly knows about this particular portion of my life is my old friend Lupe. She truly knew the incidental damage I could and would cause. I feel almost bad to be aloud into anyone guy’s life; I should come with a freakin’ warning label! I feels so bad, no one could truly understand (except Lupe of course and that’s only because she was an eye witness, she saw it all front and center) Now what am I to do?
The obvious would be to talk to Lupe since she’s the only one that knows of my situation… well, duh! I’ve already tried that! Lately she’s been unreachable! Dam it! Dam it! Dam it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!!! Just one of life's sick sad cruel jokes on me and my twisted life.
I’m guessing there’s one reader out there thinking I’m making too much of this, right? WRONG!!!!! Let’s have a short, quick and simple recap of some of the worst case situations (that I’m aware of) shall we..?
*I’ve had guys go crazy jealous after not wanting to be with them that they completely lose it and become a stocker which I couldn’t stop for reasons too complicated to explain.
*One hit almost complete depression and never got over the fact that it was over and I wasn’t going to go back to the way things were.
*After on and off feelings one very shy, quite type; finally left and made a dramatic change drinking and partying his freakin' brains out.
*After suspecting that I was being cheated on for the first time I ended things, it was then that he discovered how stupid he was and realized what he had with me but it was too late. I got with “R” that same day. (I know what you’re thinking, no it wasn’t a rebound thing, “R” had been trying to get with me for over a year and I had feeling for him but I idiotically stayed loyal to the cheating bustard!) + Recent update- he’s now been arrested at least twice (to my knowledge) for drinking and driving and he still claims to be in love with me although he has a girlfriend. (By the way for those that couldn’t piece together the puzzle this was the one I simply call “6.”)
*And of course let’s not forget “R”, for my constant readers- enough said…
The pattern I noticed was, the longer the relationship, the worst off the poor guy ended up being. I wish I could stop this stupid curse but what can I do? I’ve been worried about Jordan from the get-go but now I have Sumo to worry about as well. What the hell!!! Why can’t someone just freakin’ shoot me now and end this stupid curse!!!
I’m not sure what it is about me that sucks guys into me, all I know is that when they are done with me, they are never the same, never done. I’m not being conceded, I’m serious, I think of it as a curs and I’m pretty sure the guys of my past would consider to be one as well if they only knew.
The only one that truly knows about this particular portion of my life is my old friend Lupe. She truly knew the incidental damage I could and would cause. I feel almost bad to be aloud into anyone guy’s life; I should come with a freakin’ warning label! I feels so bad, no one could truly understand (except Lupe of course and that’s only because she was an eye witness, she saw it all front and center) Now what am I to do?
The obvious would be to talk to Lupe since she’s the only one that knows of my situation… well, duh! I’ve already tried that! Lately she’s been unreachable! Dam it! Dam it! Dam it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!!! Just one of life's sick sad cruel jokes on me and my twisted life.
I’m guessing there’s one reader out there thinking I’m making too much of this, right? WRONG!!!!! Let’s have a short, quick and simple recap of some of the worst case situations (that I’m aware of) shall we..?
*I’ve had guys go crazy jealous after not wanting to be with them that they completely lose it and become a stocker which I couldn’t stop for reasons too complicated to explain.
*One hit almost complete depression and never got over the fact that it was over and I wasn’t going to go back to the way things were.
*After on and off feelings one very shy, quite type; finally left and made a dramatic change drinking and partying his freakin' brains out.
*After suspecting that I was being cheated on for the first time I ended things, it was then that he discovered how stupid he was and realized what he had with me but it was too late. I got with “R” that same day. (I know what you’re thinking, no it wasn’t a rebound thing, “R” had been trying to get with me for over a year and I had feeling for him but I idiotically stayed loyal to the cheating bustard!) + Recent update- he’s now been arrested at least twice (to my knowledge) for drinking and driving and he still claims to be in love with me although he has a girlfriend. (By the way for those that couldn’t piece together the puzzle this was the one I simply call “6.”)
*And of course let’s not forget “R”, for my constant readers- enough said…
The pattern I noticed was, the longer the relationship, the worst off the poor guy ended up being. I wish I could stop this stupid curse but what can I do? I’ve been worried about Jordan from the get-go but now I have Sumo to worry about as well. What the hell!!! Why can’t someone just freakin’ shoot me now and end this stupid curse!!!
The Train
The next day after the church realization.
Death has constantly been on my mind, all my memories of my past, those of which I try to block out and forget just won’t leave me be and I just want to make them stop even if that leaves death as my only solution. What could possibly be sooooooo bad that would cause me to wish death upon myself to finally end them from ever returning? Sorry, I can’t disclose that private information just yet, one chapter of my life I’m not sure will ever be revealed to the world.
I’ve actually been contemplating my own demise lately. No joke, I have seen several situations run through my head. One came to me when we were cross over a set of train tracks; I was sitting in the captain chair behind my mom. It seemed so real, in slow motion as we were straddle over the tracks I heard the sound of the horn and I turn to look out the window to see the front of the train smash directly into the side of our vehicle, injuring my mom and cousin, killing me almost instantly, almost…Just then my cousin sitting in the front passengers seat, called me for my attention and I quickly turn towards her returning back to reality.
All day I’ve been thinking of that train and wonder why I had to even think of such a terrible thought and what’s worst then thinking of it? I almost envied the idea of it. At church yesterday and the past two Sunday’s I’ve been praying and having our pastor lay hands on me to pray for me and sadly I think its been working. What kind of improvement could it be possibly be thinking of getting hit by a train? At least the thought wasn’t me killing myself this time.
Death has constantly been on my mind, all my memories of my past, those of which I try to block out and forget just won’t leave me be and I just want to make them stop even if that leaves death as my only solution. What could possibly be sooooooo bad that would cause me to wish death upon myself to finally end them from ever returning? Sorry, I can’t disclose that private information just yet, one chapter of my life I’m not sure will ever be revealed to the world.
I’ve actually been contemplating my own demise lately. No joke, I have seen several situations run through my head. One came to me when we were cross over a set of train tracks; I was sitting in the captain chair behind my mom. It seemed so real, in slow motion as we were straddle over the tracks I heard the sound of the horn and I turn to look out the window to see the front of the train smash directly into the side of our vehicle, injuring my mom and cousin, killing me almost instantly, almost…Just then my cousin sitting in the front passengers seat, called me for my attention and I quickly turn towards her returning back to reality.
All day I’ve been thinking of that train and wonder why I had to even think of such a terrible thought and what’s worst then thinking of it? I almost envied the idea of it. At church yesterday and the past two Sunday’s I’ve been praying and having our pastor lay hands on me to pray for me and sadly I think its been working. What kind of improvement could it be possibly be thinking of getting hit by a train? At least the thought wasn’t me killing myself this time.
A New Realization-P2
Two days later after my last "A New Realization" just a heads up it crazier then the last.
I dread going over to my cousin's house tomorrow. I just know that when I do those "feelings" are going to come back. Dam it! Why can't I just be free of him and be done! No it's like he can't let me go so I should be the one to suffer through this. What the hell!?! I deserve some happiness don't I? I felt so good for a while after getting over my guilt trip of being with Jordan after "R" told me he had a gf, great! No not really, after he told me it seemed like things started gong down hill from, I feel like every time I'm at my cousin's house I feel his presence in my mind or something. It's like I just can't get him off my mind and it's really pissing me off!!! Freakin' get the hell out of my mind!!! Leave me alone! Sometimes I actually feel like shouting out, "LEAVE ME THE F@#& ALONE!!!" While ripping my hair out hoping to magically rip his memory out as well.
At church last week I went to the front for the pastor to pray for me when he asked,"If there is anyone that needs a special prayer, please come to the front so I can lay hands on you, you don't even have to tell me your problems, God knows what's in your heart." As he usually does but this time when I went up felt different and I cried, a lot, I balled my eyes out through out the entire service and fought them to only release streams of tears at random while teaching my children's class. I must have looked so pathetic, one of the kids gave me a look as if they pitied me and another offered to start out by reading our story of the day. How sad, that was the moment I realized I had hit a new low.
The crazy thing to me is that when the pastor was praying for me he said,"Oh, Lord take away this curse that is coming against her. Let not even witchcraft discourage her, she is your daughter and she wants to be strong for you. What ever harm that is trying to make her weak fight it for her, oh Lord. This is a battle that she can not fight alone, help her through this." I don't think I could ever forget those words, I didn't even say anything when I went up, I just stood there and cried with my eye closed feeling each stream fall down my face.
I bet this sounds stupid or too much of a co-wik-i-deek who may be reading this but to those, you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAM!!! I know what I felt and you don't so don't you dare even think of freakin' judging me! You have no freakin' right!!! Non whatsoever!!! So before you even say something stupid let me tell you this,"SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' PIE WHOLE AND JUDGE YOURSELF BEFORE JUDGING ME!!!!!"
I dread going over to my cousin's house tomorrow. I just know that when I do those "feelings" are going to come back. Dam it! Why can't I just be free of him and be done! No it's like he can't let me go so I should be the one to suffer through this. What the hell!?! I deserve some happiness don't I? I felt so good for a while after getting over my guilt trip of being with Jordan after "R" told me he had a gf, great! No not really, after he told me it seemed like things started gong down hill from, I feel like every time I'm at my cousin's house I feel his presence in my mind or something. It's like I just can't get him off my mind and it's really pissing me off!!! Freakin' get the hell out of my mind!!! Leave me alone! Sometimes I actually feel like shouting out, "LEAVE ME THE F@#& ALONE!!!" While ripping my hair out hoping to magically rip his memory out as well.
At church last week I went to the front for the pastor to pray for me when he asked,"If there is anyone that needs a special prayer, please come to the front so I can lay hands on you, you don't even have to tell me your problems, God knows what's in your heart." As he usually does but this time when I went up felt different and I cried, a lot, I balled my eyes out through out the entire service and fought them to only release streams of tears at random while teaching my children's class. I must have looked so pathetic, one of the kids gave me a look as if they pitied me and another offered to start out by reading our story of the day. How sad, that was the moment I realized I had hit a new low.
The crazy thing to me is that when the pastor was praying for me he said,"Oh, Lord take away this curse that is coming against her. Let not even witchcraft discourage her, she is your daughter and she wants to be strong for you. What ever harm that is trying to make her weak fight it for her, oh Lord. This is a battle that she can not fight alone, help her through this." I don't think I could ever forget those words, I didn't even say anything when I went up, I just stood there and cried with my eye closed feeling each stream fall down my face.
I bet this sounds stupid or too much of a co-wik-i-deek who may be reading this but to those, you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAM!!! I know what I felt and you don't so don't you dare even think of freakin' judging me! You have no freakin' right!!! Non whatsoever!!! So before you even say something stupid let me tell you this,"SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' PIE WHOLE AND JUDGE YOURSELF BEFORE JUDGING ME!!!!!"
A New Realization-P1
This was the first blog that I was suppose to post but never did.-Part one 03/7/08
I recently had a new realization; it’s a bit alarming to me since I hadn’t noticed it before. Every Sunday after church we go over to my cousin’s house just a street away, well, “R’s” mother lives right across my cousin, he hasn’t lived there in a long time but I feel like I’m constantly being watched whenever I’m there. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it really sucks! I don’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore.
I know that some may think that I may be over exaggerating about this but I really don’t think so. The most troubling thing for me was as I said before I didn’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore. Even when I’m inside I feel watched, my cousin likes to leave her door open so I can see the house as it mocks me. I probably sound crazy but I don’t care, I feel crazy whenever I’m there.
What really sucks is that whenever I’m there the memory of “R” mocks me as well, really it does. I don’t think of good times we had or bad, I really just can’t stop thinking of him, so to try to solve this I think hard and force myself to think of Jordan(which I don’t mind) it’s crazy because it makes me sad when doing so. The other crazy thing that I noticed was when we’re leaving for home I still have him on my mind and it really drives me crazy in a bad way, I can’t stop thinking of him, I feel extremely sad thinking of Jordan, I feel like I’m going to cry, and I recently started getting chest pains which are really alarming.
I told a friend about it and she joked about “R’s” family doing witchcraft on me for ending things, which got me thinking… “R’s” mother never liked me because I wasn’t like her (probably) I was too nice and “R” changed a lot while we were together but he change for the better. I always suspected “R’s” family of hating me, unfortunately I was around them OFTEN because I encouraged him to visit although he didn’t want to.
Ever since we broke up he stopped visiting all together for a long while until now, he’s been going over for short visits every Sunday but that’s when I’m over at my cousin’s house. After his family visit he goes over to my cousin’s house which I think is solely because I’m there, he stays and talks to me longer then he does with his parents. What if his mother noticed this and she’s mad. After all now he has the type of gf I would imagine she wanted him with instead of me, someone that likes to go out a lot, drinks, and non-religious (which is still crazy for me to even think why she hated me so. Most of my friend’s parents practically through their sons at me wish I would be there gf.) Also now since being with his new gf for about 5monhs now is always strapped for cash since they always go eating out at expensive restaurants and going out A LOT (which I know isn’t “R’s” idea, he liked the fact that I was simple and just enjoyed his company)
How do I know this? “R” tells me, I’m not sure why, if he’s telling me to try and rub it in (as if that would really get me jealous) or in a way of complaining. Humm… not sure but he doesn’t look the same anymore; he doesn’t have that sincerity that originally drew me to him. If I would take a guess, if I met him this way, I would have never even became friends with him (at least not willingly) Sadly, I almost pity him, almost…
I recently had a new realization; it’s a bit alarming to me since I hadn’t noticed it before. Every Sunday after church we go over to my cousin’s house just a street away, well, “R’s” mother lives right across my cousin, he hasn’t lived there in a long time but I feel like I’m constantly being watched whenever I’m there. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it really sucks! I don’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore.
I know that some may think that I may be over exaggerating about this but I really don’t think so. The most troubling thing for me was as I said before I didn’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore. Even when I’m inside I feel watched, my cousin likes to leave her door open so I can see the house as it mocks me. I probably sound crazy but I don’t care, I feel crazy whenever I’m there.
What really sucks is that whenever I’m there the memory of “R” mocks me as well, really it does. I don’t think of good times we had or bad, I really just can’t stop thinking of him, so to try to solve this I think hard and force myself to think of Jordan(which I don’t mind) it’s crazy because it makes me sad when doing so. The other crazy thing that I noticed was when we’re leaving for home I still have him on my mind and it really drives me crazy in a bad way, I can’t stop thinking of him, I feel extremely sad thinking of Jordan, I feel like I’m going to cry, and I recently started getting chest pains which are really alarming.
I told a friend about it and she joked about “R’s” family doing witchcraft on me for ending things, which got me thinking… “R’s” mother never liked me because I wasn’t like her (probably) I was too nice and “R” changed a lot while we were together but he change for the better. I always suspected “R’s” family of hating me, unfortunately I was around them OFTEN because I encouraged him to visit although he didn’t want to.
Ever since we broke up he stopped visiting all together for a long while until now, he’s been going over for short visits every Sunday but that’s when I’m over at my cousin’s house. After his family visit he goes over to my cousin’s house which I think is solely because I’m there, he stays and talks to me longer then he does with his parents. What if his mother noticed this and she’s mad. After all now he has the type of gf I would imagine she wanted him with instead of me, someone that likes to go out a lot, drinks, and non-religious (which is still crazy for me to even think why she hated me so. Most of my friend’s parents practically through their sons at me wish I would be there gf.) Also now since being with his new gf for about 5monhs now is always strapped for cash since they always go eating out at expensive restaurants and going out A LOT (which I know isn’t “R’s” idea, he liked the fact that I was simple and just enjoyed his company)
How do I know this? “R” tells me, I’m not sure why, if he’s telling me to try and rub it in (as if that would really get me jealous) or in a way of complaining. Humm… not sure but he doesn’t look the same anymore; he doesn’t have that sincerity that originally drew me to him. If I would take a guess, if I met him this way, I would have never even became friends with him (at least not willingly) Sadly, I almost pity him, almost…
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Warning
Sorry everyone, I know I said I had a good post the last time, I really did, still do but I really don't have much time to post it. Really I don't actually have time to be posting now so I'm going to make this quick. I have been noticing myself lately, I'm not who I use to be, I'm very different emotionally. I don't quite know how to explain it, I'm not sure if my readers, friends, have noticed this as well but I've seen my postings transforming since I've started. The post that I was working on last time is a bit crazy, not my normal crazy, it's actually CRAZY as if a nut case wrote it. I don't mean to alarm anyone but things have been yoyoing for me, first good than completely insanely bad. I can't explain my feeling they are worst than the normal "feelings" I get from time to time. Jordan and I often joke about our sanity, or lack there of, however lately it's been no joke that's why I haven't even mentioned it. Now that I have posted, heave my warning and be prepared for tomorrow because I can't hold back these feelings any longer, and I don't want to hide them as if they don't exist. Be prepared for a weeks worth of insanity.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Gotta go!
Hey everyone, sorry but this is just a quick post, I have to go. Don't worry, I have a really good one I'm working on, I'll post it tommorow. Gotta go!
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