The Train

The next day after the church realization.

Death has constantly been on my mind, all my memories of my past, those of which I try to block out and forget just won’t leave me be and I just want to make them stop even if that leaves death as my only solution. What could possibly be sooooooo bad that would cause me to wish death upon myself to finally end them from ever returning? Sorry, I can’t disclose that private information just yet, one chapter of my life I’m not sure will ever be revealed to the world.

I’ve actually been contemplating my own demise lately. No joke, I have seen several situations run through my head. One came to me when we were cross over a set of train tracks; I was sitting in the captain chair behind my mom. It seemed so real, in slow motion as we were straddle over the tracks I heard the sound of the horn and I turn to look out the window to see the front of the train smash directly into the side of our vehicle, injuring my mom and cousin, killing me almost instantly, almost…Just then my cousin sitting in the front passengers seat, called me for my attention and I quickly turn towards her returning back to reality.

All day I’ve been thinking of that train and wonder why I had to even think of such a terrible thought and what’s worst then thinking of it? I almost envied the idea of it. At church yesterday and the past two Sunday’s I’ve been praying and having our pastor lay hands on me to pray for me and sadly I think its been working. What kind of improvement could it be possibly be thinking of getting hit by a train? At least the thought wasn’t me killing myself this time.