A New Realization-P2

Two days later after my last "A New Realization" just a heads up it crazier then the last.

I dread going over to my cousin's house tomorrow. I just know that when I do those "feelings" are going to come back. Dam it! Why can't I just be free of him and be done! No it's like he can't let me go so I should be the one to suffer through this. What the hell!?! I deserve some happiness don't I? I felt so good for a while after getting over my guilt trip of being with Jordan after "R" told me he had a gf, great! No not really, after he told me it seemed like things started gong down hill from, I feel like every time I'm at my cousin's house I feel his presence in my mind or something. It's like I just can't get him off my mind and it's really pissing me off!!! Freakin' get the hell out of my mind!!! Leave me alone! Sometimes I actually feel like shouting out, "LEAVE ME THE F@#& ALONE!!!" While ripping my hair out hoping to magically rip his memory out as well.

At church last week I went to the front for the pastor to pray for me when he asked,"If there is anyone that needs a special prayer, please come to the front so I can lay hands on you, you don't even have to tell me your problems, God knows what's in your heart." As he usually does but this time when I went up felt different and I cried, a lot, I balled my eyes out through out the entire service and fought them to only release streams of tears at random while teaching my children's class. I must have looked so pathetic, one of the kids gave me a look as if they pitied me and another offered to start out by reading our story of the day. How sad, that was the moment I realized I had hit a new low.

The crazy thing to me is that when the pastor was praying for me he said,"Oh, Lord take away this curse that is coming against her. Let not even witchcraft discourage her, she is your daughter and she wants to be strong for you. What ever harm that is trying to make her weak fight it for her, oh Lord. This is a battle that she can not fight alone, help her through this." I don't think I could ever forget those words, I didn't even say anything when I went up, I just stood there and cried with my eye closed feeling each stream fall down my face.

I bet this sounds stupid or too much of a co-wik-i-deek who may be reading this but to those, you know what? I DON'T GIVE A DAM!!! I know what I felt and you don't so don't you dare even think of freakin' judging me! You have no freakin' right!!! Non whatsoever!!! So before you even say something stupid let me tell you this,"SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' PIE WHOLE AND JUDGE YOURSELF BEFORE JUDGING ME!!!!!"