A New Realization-P1

This was the first blog that I was suppose to post but never did.-Part one 03/7/08

I recently had a new realization; it’s a bit alarming to me since I hadn’t noticed it before. Every Sunday after church we go over to my cousin’s house just a street away, well, “R’s” mother lives right across my cousin, he hasn’t lived there in a long time but I feel like I’m constantly being watched whenever I’m there. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it really sucks! I don’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore.

I know that some may think that I may be over exaggerating about this but I really don’t think so. The most troubling thing for me was as I said before I didn’t even feel comfortable visiting my own family anymore. Even when I’m inside I feel watched, my cousin likes to leave her door open so I can see the house as it mocks me. I probably sound crazy but I don’t care, I feel crazy whenever I’m there.

What really sucks is that whenever I’m there the memory of “R” mocks me as well, really it does. I don’t think of good times we had or bad, I really just can’t stop thinking of him, so to try to solve this I think hard and force myself to think of Jordan(which I don’t mind) it’s crazy because it makes me sad when doing so. The other crazy thing that I noticed was when we’re leaving for home I still have him on my mind and it really drives me crazy in a bad way, I can’t stop thinking of him, I feel extremely sad thinking of Jordan, I feel like I’m going to cry, and I recently started getting chest pains which are really alarming.

I told a friend about it and she joked about “R’s” family doing witchcraft on me for ending things, which got me thinking… “R’s” mother never liked me because I wasn’t like her (probably) I was too nice and “R” changed a lot while we were together but he change for the better. I always suspected “R’s” family of hating me, unfortunately I was around them OFTEN because I encouraged him to visit although he didn’t want to.

Ever since we broke up he stopped visiting all together for a long while until now, he’s been going over for short visits every Sunday but that’s when I’m over at my cousin’s house. After his family visit he goes over to my cousin’s house which I think is solely because I’m there, he stays and talks to me longer then he does with his parents. What if his mother noticed this and she’s mad. After all now he has the type of gf I would imagine she wanted him with instead of me, someone that likes to go out a lot, drinks, and non-religious (which is still crazy for me to even think why she hated me so. Most of my friend’s parents practically through their sons at me wish I would be there gf.) Also now since being with his new gf for about 5monhs now is always strapped for cash since they always go eating out at expensive restaurants and going out A LOT (which I know isn’t “R’s” idea, he liked the fact that I was simple and just enjoyed his company)
How do I know this? “R” tells me, I’m not sure why, if he’s telling me to try and rub it in (as if that would really get me jealous) or in a way of complaining. Humm… not sure but he doesn’t look the same anymore; he doesn’t have that sincerity that originally drew me to him. If I would take a guess, if I met him this way, I would have never even became friends with him (at least not willingly) Sadly, I almost pity him, almost…