Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Treats for all my readers which post comments...

To everyone that post comments... Happy Halloween! Thanks for posting all your comments are a really treat! Today is Halloween and I don't feel like posting much today so here are some mini personal post for everyone that leaves me a comment:

Julie, I can't believe that my post means so much to you, I'm curious know, are you a nerd or do you have a thing for nerds as I do? I only know one Julie but you can't be her, she doesn't know anything about my blog.
Jordan, just in case you didn't read the comments, my friend Jose Luis was around me when I last posted and he added that part about the "engineering buffs."
Sam, sorry if my friend got your hopes up for nothing, and what do you mean when you say you'll make your move?
Sumo, where have you been? You haven't been keeping up with my post, why? I'll probably talk to you later tonight.
Jose Luis, you really crack me up with your comments so thanks a lot I really enjoy them all.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Returning from my Blog Vacation

I was just thinking, "man it's seems like a long time since my last blog", and I was right. I have fallen way behind. At first the intent for this blog was to post everyday except on the weekends but I feel like I have so much that I have posted about. Now it seems like I was on vacation from my blog. :) LOL! That's funny, a vacation from blogging... Blogging is like a vacation from everyday life.

I'm not even sure how to post about all those days without a post... Hummmmmmmmmm... although... by not posting a new blog I did receive more messages for "The Dictionary Problem," which I enjoyed getting so much feed back [Hint, Hint= please post comments people! Even if you don't know me, that's how I met Sam.] Oh well, I still have no idea if I really was over reacting or not, I'm sort of over it now. I'm just glad that I didn't wear my India shirt who knows what would have been assumed than :[ Moving on...

Well just in case anyone's wondering, things with Jordan are still going really well (Jordan: 3November ;) ) despite our few minor set backs. I'm just wondering when we'll get to see each other again. (sigh) I still really miss Jordan and I hope that it won't be another year and a half. Well I guess we'll just have to be patient and just wait and see. :D

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Dictionary Problem!

I feel like I really need to bring this out or it’s going to continue to drive me crazy until I do.

I talked to my friend Jose Luis yesterday about something Jordan told me that really bothered me. Ok, when Jordan was here I gave him an Arabic dictionary (we use references based on what I learned while taking the class) anyways, he told me that his grandmother didn’t like that I gave him the dictionary. Apparently she has a problem with me learn Arabic and she thinks that I’m learning it for the wrong reasons, terrorists reasons (which I’m not) It didn’t even dawn on me until later on (in which I still had no idea about the dictionary problem until Jordan told me) On the last night I saw Jordan we ordered pizza to the hotel room, I don’t eat any pork so I was just picking off the pepperonis, ham, ect…(meat lovers pizza-enough said) well it seemed a little suspicious to me that she questioned me almost immediately, “ Sarah, do you go to church?” I told her yes and then she asked where, I told her the name of the church and then translated the name to English; but that wasn’t what she wanted to know she then asked what kind of a church it was, when I told her Christian she just dropped the subject.

Come on for those that don’t know me I don’t like when people question things like that without asking directly or stating the purpose of their questioning. To me what she did was another way of being racist, I don’t like when people are racist there’s no point to it.

Jordan: I’m sorry Jordan cause I know your going to read this and get maybe a little upset, please just don’t your grandmother about this, I pretty sure she already doesn’t like me and you pretty much acknowledged it the night you returned home.

This was really bothering me (still is) ever since you first told me but I felt like I really needed to express it now. Well, Jose didn’t know what to say on the matter except making a joke about my potential of looking like a Muslim if I were to put a head dress on. (I don’t really look Muslim- (since we must address a race for everything, I’m Hispanic people!!!) Well he did say that may she’s just trying to find reasons not to like which still wouldn’t make any sense at all. Maybe she really just doesn’t like me for some reason.

Later on I spoke to Sumo about it (no he’s not big, it’s just an inside joke that very few know about, he calls me Sumo as well-I’m “Sumo1” he’s “Sumo2”) He thought it was a bit odd for her to assume so quickly and agreed with Jose (about her maybe not liking me, not the head dress thing) Well talk for a while and it really did help me out a lot, thanks Jose and Sumo! Especially Sumo, your little comment made me feel a little better about myself and it made me laugh how I tricked you into telling me (LOL!) for future reference: tape recorder :)

To all that read this: please post your opinion (even Jordan, Sumo, and Jose Luis) Am I giving too much thought to this?

Oh well... I feel better now so I'll be signing off for now.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Moving on with Life :)

I'm feeling better for those that show concern, thanks. :)
I was in my philosophy class and it came to me with every word the professor said, we have a choice of what to belief and how to deal with that belief, also after my class I spoke to my friend Jose Luis and it really helped have someone else to talk to.

As for my belief: I was in the state of mind that I thought everything would be hopeless without Jordan around, I mean I tried to think positive but I would shoot down my own optimistic thoughts. I feel a little bad for saying this, but... I kind was hoping(before fall break) that when Jordan and I would meet up again, that things wouldn't go as great as they did so that I could move on and finally get on with my life not worrying about my feelings for Jordan. Obviously that is no longer the question on my mind.

The only thing that really concerns me now(as it always has) is how are things going to turn out in the long run? How are we going to make this work? I know one thing for sure though, I really want to answer that question, I'm not sure how long it will take, but I want to be able to post in future a success story. (and hopefully I will someday)

Sam: Thank you for finally come to your senses. I would love to have you continue to keep in contact through blogs. I can't wait to see your new blog, let me know when you finally have it ready!

I love you Jordan! 394! I really miss you, but I'm ok now :)

Monday, October 22, 2007

Fall break and heartache

I just had my fall break(Thursday & Friday) Jordan’s family came down to San Antonio and left early Sunday morning. I can’t believe the fun that we had (Jordan and I) We spent most of the time down on the Riverwalk and at Rivercenter Mall. I felt so comfortable with Jordan, more than I ever did being with “R” which was weird for me. I was with “R” for almost 4years and never really wanted him to hold my hand or me in public but it was different with Jordan, I loved it when he would hold my hand or when we would walk with his arm around me. (this may seem a little weird but…) I always thought that you can be sure if you’re with the right person by the touch of their hand.

Yesterday was the first day without Jordan and it was like hell because I knew that he was gone. I went to church and I couldn’t focus on the sermon and barely on my kids class, I just wanted to break down and cry but I knew that everyone would have wanted to know and I’m not sure who I can talk to besides Jordan. (after all he’s kind of going through the same thing as me) By talking to him I wonder if I’m taking this harder than him… He seems sad but I’ve been crying off and on whenever I get the chance and the rest of the time I’m trying as hard as I can to fight back the tears and focus on what’s going on around me.

I have so many reminders of Jordan now more than ever and I don’t know how long I can stand it. The last night I was with Jordan, my mom wanted me to get something to eat with her and my sister, I didn’t want to eat anything so she bought me a milkshake (I know this is stupid) when she gave me the shake there was a cherry on top and I felt tears in my eyes began to form as they are now, earlier that day we all went out to eat and Jordan had a milkshake with a cherry on top, he didn’t want it so he gave it to me and I saved the cherry stem.

Then yesterday I was with my little sister at the Halloween store and I guess I forgot I was with her, it was crowded in there and when she fell behind I was still thinking I was with Jordan so I reached my hand back and I turned around looking for him when he didn’t reach back. When I realized what was going on and that Jordan wasn’t there, I wanted to just break down and cry. I guess there’s no way to escape the memories but let time take it’s course, sooner or later things will get better.

I wonder why things are so different..? I miss him so much. I missed him before he even left because I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. L Just the thought of him leaving was lingering in my mind the whole time we were together but I just didn’t want to bring us down while he was here. On our last day (Saturday) together we sat in the stair well at the hotel were he was staying and we started crying together because I didn’t want him to leave nor did he.

It’s just so hard for me to focus now I want to just go in a corner or somewhere alone and cry until I can’t anymore, and that’s because I already cried myself to sleep the past two nights, I wake up crying for Jordan, and all day I’m forced to hold back the tears.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Coffee Withdraw

I sort of have a headache right now probably because I haven't eaten lunch yet and this morning I had a "Breakfast" drink that's suppose to be as good as eating an actual breakfast (it was my mom's idea) I myself felt like I could have probably had that plus a normal breakfast. Oh yah, not only have I not eaten, I had NO coffee in the morning. Humm... I wonder if I became dependent on it and am now suffering from a withdraw..? (I should have just gotten at least one cup, it was there)

1 day left for Jordan's arrival, yay! I'm so excited and scared at the same time, what if things aren't as we suspect them to be? What if we arugue overr something stupid and the whole break is then ruined? Awwww... just as I want this to work out...what if it doesn't? Then what? I guess we'll just have to see what happens when he's here.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Puzzed & Frustrated

Hummm... I'm feeling puzzled today about the robotics meeting on Friday, I didn't go and I'm trying to find out which of my friends went. So far no luck, all my friends I asks yesterday and today said that they didn't go so I'm now wondering who did go? Even "J" one of the main members wasn't present... weird. What was up with all us robotic folk on Friday, did we all just get the sudden urge to be lazy and not show up? Poor "S" I'm sure he was probably wondering what happened to everyone. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to see what happened when the next meeting comes up.

Feeling a little tired (I've cut back to only 1 cup of coffee for the day for the past 3days, yay, see I'm not addicted, I can stop anytime I want to.) I was disappointed this morning in my programming class, I failed my first mid term (for that class we're going to have 3, 1 grade will be dropped (the lowest) and the other two will combined in which the average will be our final mid term grade. ) I found out that there was only one "99" and the class average was about a "75," I'm below average, that hasn't happened to me in a while (I'm not saying that I'm above average, but at least average would have been more acceptable right about now.) Not only that, there are only 5 girls in the class, including myself, our professor announced that 4 of the 5 girls received grades over "90" that means that I'm the only girl that proves why not too many girls enter this type of field in the first place (most cases boys make better programmers) this sucks.

I have a goal now: By the next mid term I want the professor to say that all the girls are sticking it to the boys, I will learn to write programs, Sorry Jordan I know you say that I'm not a born programmer but that's no longer a concern of mine, I will learn how to program correctly! It's on now!!!

Oh yah, today I'm pissed off and on fire, so "Sam" don't even get me started with you, don't even think of commenting today. (Jordan and any other readers are more than welcome)

I'm done for today and I feel better now, hopefully no one will ruin this good feeling for me. Signing off!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Revelation

Today I realized something when re-reading the comment posted by my mystery reader, "Sam." Whoever you are, you are very clever(I'll give you that) "I am Sam" one of the movies I posted in my profile, "Sam," if I were to follow the link provided by chose "I am Sam" is it possible for me to stubble upon blog without even knowing it simply because of "I am Sam?" I'm going to be around for awhile so let me know if I'm right or even remotely close. *Just as a warning, you better answer today or forever hold your peace(I'm going to remove the option to post a comment without a user name)Who are you, really? Why did you pick me? Come on "Sam" if you want even a chance to get to know me, I need to first, who you are; otherwise you'll just have to suffer with reading my blogs without commmenting or you'll finally have to give up and post a comment using your user name or email me revealing who you are anyways... so...it's your call, make your choice, eventually I'll know who you are or we'll never get to know each other.

Friday, October 12, 2007

More Worries

I'm feeling more excited and worried about Jordan's up coming visit. I'm just really not sure how I feel right now, I can't help but wonder what's going to happen when we finally see each other again. I don't know what to do anymore, I do like feeling like this I feel like things aren't going to be as we imagine it.

I felt sad last night when we were talking, I didn't know really what to say. I know that you still can't help it but I feel like things are only going to get worst after we see each other, it's only going to be hard to not be together. When we first see each other how are we going to react since we haven't seen each other in over a year. Then after spending time together we are going to have to say good bye and part once again, how are we going to react?

I've been going through a lot of things lately and I'm not sure how to react to anything anymore. I was very emotional last night, I was doing my homework for philosophy class and the journal topic that I was suppose to write on brought up some very sensitive subject for me (Jordan I'll tell you about it later, I really wish you could be here already so that I could hold you, I'm sure that would probably make things around here a lot better (or) at least seem that way. I love you.)

Just as a side note to my mystery reader:
Hello again to my mystery reader, I wonder do you know me personally or did you just happen to come across my blog? Your comment seem just suggest that you know me but I've only given my identity to Jordan and Sumo. I know you don't want to tell me your your blogs name, could I have your name at least?

Well that's all for now.

Worries

I'm still feeling tired but today is different, I managed to get by this morning on only one cup of coffee oppose to the average three. Good for me.

The countdown is getting closer and closer, one week remaining 7days, YAY! I'm getting more excited and now a little bit worried. I can't wait to see Jordan, but what if his family doesn't like me or want me around? (sigh) I guess we'll just have to see when he gets here. =(

I was so worried today when I woke up because I had my first mid-term of the semester for my programming class. Well I wish I could say that I shouldn't have had anything to worry about but by saying that, I would be half lying. The test wasn't too bad I started out strong and sort of confident on the first three parts (total four) I felt like I was flying through the question only to discover that I left myself with only twenty-five minuets to write two programs(I usually take longer than that on just one of my homework programs) Well the professor gave us an extension of ten additional minuets to submit our programs, sadly I only finished one program and it did not do everything that it was suppose to :(

Thanks to the extended time I was late to my next class by fifteen minuets. What a great surprise I discovered when walking into class late, I had an online quiz which are usually twenty-five minuets total. My professor told me to get started right away and to kind of go through them quickly since I only had fifteen minuets remaining. Get this... how does my laptop know when I truly need so that it could take it's time starting up? :( Well... my professor always walks around the room (small) whenever there's a quiz going on so he saw that my laptop was still not ready and I only had ten minuets. The funny thing about it, I started the quiz as soon as my laptop allowed me to(five minuets remaining) I was rushing through and I was told that I could continue while the rest of the class started on the notes, well I was already half way done when told this so I just finished and I started taking the at the same time as everyone else. (The CRAZY thing about the whole thing I looked at the time, I finished the quiz in six minuets and still managed to score a [160 out of 200] SCORE for me!!! I wonder what I would have scored if I had the entire twenty-five minuets... =)

Well, got to go, sorry to my mystery reader for the changes. Who are you by the way...Why don't you tell me so that I can check out your blog..?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Tired

Don't feel like blogging much right now. No more programming style blogs(sorry to anyone who may have been actually enjoying them.) I'm tired so this will be a short blog. Despite going to bed early (2300) I'm still very tired and can't waite for the weekend the countdown still countinues 8days,yay! Jordan what are you going to do when you come, (no 3november.)

Well I think I'm going to be living soon, bye for now.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Double YAY!

/*I'm feeling tired and lazy today so forgive me if I seem a bit more air head than usual, I'm sure even if I do re-read this post before publishing, there will still be some things wrong with it so... OH WELL!!! */

#include Tired
#include Yay
#include Sumo.hb
#include Jordan.lk


int main()
{
printf( "Happy Birthday Sumo! You're one year older so it doesn't make you too old but it still make you OLD!!! =) Just kidding, I hope you read this blog today, if not, oh well... I'll call you later and MAKE you read it\n\n" ); /* Hopefully I'll see you and get to tell you in person*/

printf( "I'm feeling so tired today, despite what I thought I was going to do, I once again I find myself having trouble getting to sleep. I've resulted to two or three cups of coffee in the morning, feel tired all day long, and when I'm ready to sleep: something comes up not allowing me to.” ); /*I'm considering not answering when I'm called because my mom has been known to survive on less than four hours of sleep. I think she's trying to pull me into her ways and unlike her this is not helping me get through my day*/
printf( "It's a wonder that the coffee hasn't had it's full effect on me as it should. The other day I was so BRILLIANT that I actually put my cup into my bag thinking that it was empty(lets just say that I only towel dried it and the smell of the coffee still lingers in my bag to the point where I just have to open my bag to get the coffee high without actually drinking it in directly \n\n" );

printf( "Oh yah, I think that this is so cool, I just went to this workshop today and I passed a certification test to handle the camera equipment here at school."); /*To anyone thinking that that's not a big deal it is, just the wireless microphone(without the batteries) is $500 and camera & equipment with the tri-pod, all the cords, and batteries are worth about $5,000.*/
printf( "Just the fact that I would be trusted to borrow those things anytime is a huge deal with me. I just hope I'm not going through one of my blondie moments when I do finally check this stuff out and take it home or I'll be screwed for the full price.\n\n" );

printf( " I'm so excited because the countdown continues... 9days, yay! I can hardly waite to see Jordan again and spent time with him. We still haven't figured out entire plan however we kind-of, sort-of, know what we're going to do. If everything works out we'll both have a great story to tell how we spent our Fall break. Oh yah... More exciting news I found out that my Fall break isn't three days as Jordan, only two but...from Oct. 18-19th(Thursday&Friday when Jordan will be here! Double Yay! That means that I won't be distracted in class thinking of the time I'll get out and see get to him. Also that means that if I meet up with him early in the day, Sumo won't get to tag along, maybe will have extra time alone =) Once again, yay!\n\n" );

printf( "Well...I guess I'm going to go now, hopefully get some rest later on. I'm just so bubbly right now and I'm guessing I'll continue to be until Jordan's arrival in which I'll be EXTREMLY BUBBLY!\n" );

return 0;
} /*end blog*/

Monday, October 8, 2007

Yay!

/*happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy!*/
#include
int main()
{
int Jordan;
int Yay;
int Bubbly; /*Bubbly feeling*/

printf( "So anyways... I think that I had to first, post the "Unsent Letter to Jordan," to give a better understanding of the hard times that Jordan and I have gone through since we first expressed our love for each other.")/* It's also related to my past blogs*/
printf("
Now with that said and done, I have very exciting news ,for Jordan and I*/and anyone hoping we'll make it\n\n");*/

printf( " I just heard two days ago that Jordan is coming to San Antonio soon in just a little over a week. Yay! We are so excited, we are now trying to figure out what to do when he does get here. There are so many places I want to take him to but the only snag in are happiness is that he will only be here 3 days :( Oh well, I guess we just have to make the best of things while he is here :) I really can't wait to see him again but I'm afraid I'm going to have to wait the countdown continues. 10days, Yay! \n" ); /*Bubbly feeling! */

return 0;
} /*end of blog =) */

Unsent Letter to Jordan

There will be a change in the way I will write my blogs, I will now (at least try to) write my blogs in the form of a program. I thought it will be fun and interesting. We'll see how it goes for now...

/*Anyone who reads this blog and my next, post a coment and let me know what you think.*/

/*WARNING!*/
/*This was written under very hard times, this is really sad.*/

/*(Originally written 6/27/07)*/
#include
int main()
{
int Jordan;
int love;
int l;
int k;
int infinity

printf( "Dear Jordan, \n" );
printf( "I can’t sleep right now; I’ve got a lot on my mind… This is hard for me to explain but I’m not sure I should be having these feelings for you anymore. As always, things are very complicated in leading towards my decision. I’ve been doing some thinking of how close yet how faraway we really are. I almost can’t believe how much we have in common, I wonder if these same thoughts have ever crossed your mind. Someday we may or may not cross each others path again and that worries me deeply. :’( I don’t know what’s in store for our but I’m feeling so sad just wondering if we’ll ever meet again and for how long. I’m not sure how much more of this my heart can stand. Even if we would meet again my heart would only know more sadness when we must say goodbye and depart once again (sign) I wish that there was a way of truly knowing if things would work out between us and if we were truly meant to be together. My heart is breaking just thinking of the possibility. It’s driving me crazy! Why did we meet the way we did and fall in love? I just don’t get it, the Bible says that God has our destiny pre-planned way before we are even born and for some reason this was meant to happen but it’s not fair that we have no way of knowing what’s in store for our future.\n\n" );

printf( "I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m losing faith in us. If God has it in his plan for us to be together so be it but I’m not sure if we should continue to give ourselves false hope if indeed that’s all that this will turn out to be. So I ask of you, please no more future talk of when we’ll meet ands what we’ll do, no more talk of us getting together, getting married, having children and so on and so on. No more talk at all. As I stated before, I’m not sure how much more my heart can stand it. Each thought only brings heartache. I can’t stand the thought of losing you and as of now the way I see it, I can’t lose what I don’t have. I’ve been hurt before and my feelings weren’t even as strong as I have for you, I would hate to imagine the emotional damage that could occur now. If we’re meant to be will find out in the future but why suffer more than we already have? Maybe we should start letting go. :’( I think maybe we should talk less or result back to writing as before. I love you so much but I’m afraid of our fate. I’ve been hurt too many times in my past and I know for sure I don’t want to hurt you either. Why are things always so complicated when it comes to us? I’m going crazy!@ @ I should be going to sleep already, goodnight mi amor.(sigh) I really do love you. ^ + ((l) (k)) ^ infinity^infinity^infinity. S.W.A.K! 394.\n" );

return 0;
} /*end of post =) */

Friday, October 5, 2007

Break Through

Last night I guess you could say Jordan and I had somewhat of a fight, it felt more like a debate then a fight. I had talked to Sumo(I'll explain about Sumo in a later blog) the night before and I told him that I wasn't sure about how things were going with Jordan. I told him that I wasn't sure if I thought that I should continue to invest as much time in Jordan as I have.

I brought up a friend of mine from about three years ago, Crystal. She was always good with real life situations and I was having a problem with "R" at the time so I sought out for her help. (Crystal knew nothing about my relationship or my past because she was new to the school)I told her that I needed someone to tell me like it is and I new that she would. I told she that I was with "R" and I was having strong feelings for a friend of mine. Her first reaction was to say that since I had what I wanted with "R" I then wanted something new, this was not true. I told her that I had felt this way for him before "R" but I just couldn't be with him. She said that I "settled" since I couldn't have what I wanted, I "settled" for "R" and in doing so I would never be happy. He was not the first one that I wanted and couldn't have, there was someone else before that and I just eventually got over him and then met my friend. She said that I really would never be happy if I continue this pattern. (Now why did I bring this up?)

I told Jordan that there are two catagories with me, (1.) Those which I wanted and could never have. (2.) Those which I "settled" for like "R" since I couldn't have what I really wanted I gave them a try but was never really happy.

Jordan is sort of in between at the moment more so (1.) The distance between us is really playing a part in why we can't be together. I was thinking about, am I wasting time on Jordan only to never really be with him? OR Am I once again about to "settle" by giving up on the thought of being with him?

I'm not sure how to explain it but I also told Jordan that he was in a way looking down on me (he's such a nerd and I love that (I'm crazy about nerds) but I noticed that he has stopped wanting to talk about technology with me and just talk about simply things or when we would talk about those topics he would act as if I couldn't keep up or possible understand him)

I really felt like I said everything that needed to be said yesturday, I called Jordan out on being so inconceiderate towards me and everyone around him. Also on how ungrateful he is. I was very upset and crying a lot after we got off the phone last night and once again I called Sumo and told him everything. It really helps to have him there for me when I really need him. He made me feel much better and I slept with a sense of relief :)

Earlier I got to read an email which he sent me and was very happy to discover that I really got through to him. It feels like our conversation has made us come to a major break through in our lives and relationship. I can hardly wait to talk to him tonight (especially since it's the weekend) I love him and maybe we will work things out. =)

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Heartahe

I really don't know what I'm going to do about Jordan. I want to think that its possible for us to be together someday in the future but I'm not sure, what if I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing. I'm scared about what is going to happen if we never get to meet again. I don't know, I'm not sure if my heart can handle anymore heartache. I want someone around that I can hold and to be able to know that I can count on them to always be there for me when I need them to be. With Jordan I know that he loves me and I know that I really love him too but lately I've been really doubting any hope for the future as far as Jordan and I are concerned. I don't know what to do anymore... (sigh) it almost seems pointless to continue.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

My Mistake

I just read the full version of Jordan's blog titled "Mistake." It's sad to me that he thinks that I would be playing mind games with him.

(just a side note: I did tell Jordan about Chris, he just simply dismissed it as if nothing. His exact words when I told him that Chris "claims" that he does like Jordan, he's just messing with his head: "Oh well, I guess it worked because I thought he really did hate me." )

It kind of bothered me what Jordan wrote because I did tell him. I'm not sure what he thinks I would be hidding from him and thats what makes me think about this whole thing as a mistake. I know that telling Jordan that I love him was not a mistake but maybe it was a mistake to let my feelings even get that far.

How could this ever really work? Is it possible? What if we never see each other again, are we going to just simply wait forever? If doing so we may let other opportunities of happiness within our grasp just slip away. I hate having thoughts like this. :(

I love Jordan and I wouldn't want to hurt him.