Life and the light at the end of the tunnel

Life has been good, sure there are always struggles here and there, but who doesn't go through that? That's life... We just have to see through the hard times as a learning process as we get older.

(sigh of peace) I love when I feel good, I remember when I use to feel down all the time, I can't believe the journey life has taken me on, I just look back and see how much stronger I am now.  Life hasn't always been easy, and my past postings probably seem like childish complaints on love, the truth is, that was the least of my worries before, I've just always been so private about my struggles that I had to release some steam, everyone talks about love issues, they're really no big deal, so that's why I would usually posted about boy troubles, just one thing I could get off my chest without digging deep down into my true personal life.

How times have changed, how life has changed, I don't feel like the same me I was a few years back when I first started this blog.  I took the hand I was dealt and learned to make the best of it, sometimes even bluffing myself to make it work.  That on it's own was the best accomplishment I've been through, overcoming fooling myself.  Now I don't have to, I look at my life and only the good shows through, people don't understand what I've been through to get where I am now, I don't mind, I just don't like to hear that people think I have things easy.  I struggled for a long, and worked hard to be where I am now, who I am now, I'm not trying to brag, just saying, if you don't know me, please don't pre-judge me.  I had a hard life, and I now have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, just barely, but I made it.  Only by God's grace I made it through.

The Curse

Yesterday to my surprise Sumo told me there was something he wanted to tell me, I tried to get it out of him but he told me I had to wait until later for him to tell me. Later he told me, “I think I love you” I was shocked and had no idea how to respond, I was really speechless but my mind was going crazy with thoughts. I felt bad for not responding back in a matter which is normally expected (as in “I love you too.”) I just couldn’t, the first thing that I thought about was my love for Jordan and how strong it really is. Secondly I felt bad for Sumo, I don’t even know what I did to make him feel this way, I was just me and I guess that was enough. Poor Sumo, he has now, unknowingly fallen into the cursed domain.

I’m not sure what it is about me that sucks guys into me, all I know is that when they are done with me, they are never the same, never done. I’m not being conceded, I’m serious, I think of it as a curs and I’m pretty sure the guys of my past would consider to be one as well if they only knew.

The only one that truly knows about this particular portion of my life is my old friend Lupe. She truly knew the incidental damage I could and would cause. I feel almost bad to be aloud into anyone guy’s life; I should come with a freakin’ warning label! I feels so bad, no one could truly understand (except Lupe of course and that’s only because she was an eye witness, she saw it all front and center) Now what am I to do?

The obvious would be to talk to Lupe since she’s the only one that knows of my situation… well, duh! I’ve already tried that! Lately she’s been unreachable! Dam it! Dam it! Dam it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!!! Just one of life's sick sad cruel jokes on me and my twisted life.

I’m guessing there’s one reader out there thinking I’m making too much of this, right? WRONG!!!!! Let’s have a short, quick and simple recap of some of the worst case situations (that I’m aware of) shall we..?

*I’ve had guys go crazy jealous after not wanting to be with them that they completely lose it and become a stocker which I couldn’t stop for reasons too complicated to explain.
*One hit almost complete depression and never got over the fact that it was over and I wasn’t going to go back to the way things were.
*After on and off feelings one very shy, quite type; finally left and made a dramatic change drinking and partying his freakin' brains out.
*After suspecting that I was being cheated on for the first time I ended things, it was then that he discovered how stupid he was and realized what he had with me but it was too late. I got with “R” that same day. (I know what you’re thinking, no it wasn’t a rebound thing, “R” had been trying to get with me for over a year and I had feeling for him but I idiotically stayed loyal to the cheating bustard!) + Recent update- he’s now been arrested at least twice (to my knowledge) for drinking and driving and he still claims to be in love with me although he has a girlfriend. (By the way for those that couldn’t piece together the puzzle this was the one I simply call “6.”)
*And of course let’s not forget “R”, for my constant readers- enough said…

The pattern I noticed was, the longer the relationship, the worst off the poor guy ended up being. I wish I could stop this stupid curse but what can I do? I’ve been worried about Jordan from the get-go but now I have Sumo to worry about as well. What the hell!!! Why can’t someone just freakin’ shoot me now and end this stupid curse!!!

End to the "R" Cliff hanger

First of all, sorry to all, I know that I haven't posted in a while and I may have left some of my readers in a cliffhanger about the whole "R" thing.

Back to the Ch: On Friday I sent "R" a very upset, civil, email explaining why I was upset with him and why I wasn't replying to his text. I saw him on Sunday at my cousin Eric's house. I was in his room with him talking when I got a phone call from my lil sis telling me to come out that "R" was there. The 1st thing I thought to myself was,"Oh God, now what is he going to say or do after the email?" I wasn't expecting to see or hear from him again so I was scared. As soon as I opened the door there, just down the semi dark hall he stood for a second before he saw me and started in my direction. I'll admit I was kind of afraid... We met half way down the hall and immediately he reached out his arms and gave me a BIG hug. Usually when I would try to hug him he seemed like he didn't want to, he would barely swing one arm around and pat me on the back as I would go for a full hug, boy would it make me feel stupid everytime. So of course, I was surprised, shocked, I hugged him back.

We went to join Eric in his room, as he played darts, "R" and I sat down and talked. We talked about his gf and things they have been up to and are planing on doing. I didn't mind, I actually enjoyed it. It was a very nice change compared to the way he was acting the previous week. He left before me but only went down the block to his dad's house.

Back ground: My other cousin(CM), Eric's mom, loves fish, at least she does now. (not to eat, real ones) Not too long ago we had a population overload of Guppies, a type of fish I like to refer to as,"The rabbits of the water." (I would say sea, but they are fresh water fish) To solve our problem we asked my cousin if she wanted some fish, she told us to take her some. We took about 6guppies to start her out and a little clear glass bowl to start her out until she would get her own. The next day when we talk to her the guppies were all she could talk about, we told her how we had so many that we couldn't even notice that the 6fish were gone, I mean there were just too many to count! She asked if she could have some more for her and some for her sis (CI) (my other cousin) since she had already given 3 of them away to (CI) like I said, it was a population overload so we agreed and took (CM) a cup scope full of fish for her and to share with (CI) We bought (CM) a small1/2gallon tank as a surprise her but as I said guppies=rabbits of the water=RW, to make a long story shorter, (CM) now owns a 10gallon tank.

Turns out, saddly, ALL of (CM's) fish died and another long story short, we were completely rid of RW's and started over with mixed Tretas=Trs. The funny thing is that we gave her 4 of our new Trs fish after discovering there was a lone baby RW survivor. I prepared another tank that we had at home, which we now gave to (CM), it's about 2gallons then my mom and I had to construct a lid out of an aluminum cake pan since we aren't sure what happened to the lid it came with. Afterwards I cleaned the 10gl tank (You could only imagine the pain in my back the next day however I'm not sure anyone would want to)

End to the Ch: As we left I sent "R" a text: We're heading home. It was nice talking2 u 2dA,thats how I hope our friendship will always be. :) and he sent me: Be careful see you around. which I followed with: U too. :) I was so happy, maybe we can have the friendship that I always wanted us to have. I really felt a great sense of relief and I feel like I am starting anew. It feels great, I feel great, hopefully this will be a great year all around...

Oh yah, Sam? Julie? what's going on with you? Sam you haven't posted a new blog and Julie, you haven't posted a comment on mine, is everything peachy kean jelly bean? Let me know what's up :)

Overload of Heartache

First of all I must warn all my readers, this is going to be an extremely long blog.

I’m soooooo upset. I’ve been upset a lot lately so I’m going to say everything and not hold anything back. Okay here goes…

It's Christmas time, it should be the happiest time of the year, but not for me... at least not anymore... Does anyone remember the post "Drift Away," it probably seemed like a simple little poem to those of you that read it or will be curious to go back to it; but it means so much more to me than that.

You see..."Drift Away" was written for one of my best friends at the time, Michelle (I know, weird that two of the blogs I read are from girls named Michelle) I hardly mention her anymore because it still hurts to think about it, Michelle passed away when we were in high school. If you haven't guessed it already, it was around Christmas time. I use to love Christmas so much and I still do to a certain point, every year I would turn on my radio to "soft rock 101.9" (now Q101.9) starting the day after Thanksgiving they would play nothing but Christmas songs, I loved it.

It was my favorite time of the year up until Michelle's passing, what would really get to me was when I would here certain songs especially "Come Home For Christmas," all I could think about while the song was playing was, how is her family doing with knowing that she couldn't come home. How were they? I had to fight back tears just thinking about her, imagine living with constant reminders of her (which I did because we were so close she would give me many little things which were scattered all over my room in plan sight) but her family had to live with non-stop reminders. I don't know how they could have ever survived without her. :(

Michelle was the first person to get me into hugging everyone at school, I thought it was weird at first but it felt really good. I didn't get a lot of hugs from my family so it was a new thing that I soon became addicted to it just suddenly came naturally to me; so much that Michelle and I would constantly get in trouble at school because we weren't suppose to be touching anyone even if it was in a friendly manor. As you could imagine we ignored the warnings and would hug all the time, every time we would see each other and I'm happy that we did because I will always have those memories.(And no one can ever take them away) =)

I always get sad and lonely around the Christmas, I just can't help it, I don't purposely think of her to make me sad she's just in the back of my mind and I guess she always will be.
___________________________________________________________
I’ve been thinking about “R” a lot lately and as usual I’m really worried about him. I called him on Thanksgiving to talk to him and see how he’s doing it was after 11:00PM. It took a while ringing so I figured he wasn’t going to answer when finally he did. He sound like he was tired and kind of frustrated, I reluctantly asked him if he was busy and he reply,” Yah, kind of.” I pretended like it didn't bother me and I told him I just wanted to see what he was doing and to say Happy Thanksgiving even if it was late. Then we said our goodbyes and I felt sad when we hung up.

I told Jordan about this and he said just what I feared, I’m guessing everyone can figure out what I’m getting at. What Jordan doesn’t know is that this really, really hurt my feelings to think of this. :’( I’m crying right now as I type this. All I can think is if he could do that with someone he barely knows and barely got with after everything we went through, does he really care? :’( Care about respecting himself, his new girlfriend, and me? :’(

I can’t fight back the tears any more; this really hurts me to think of that. :’( We had almost 4 years of an innocent relationship (sure we had our little crazy moments but nothing as extreme as what I’m thinking he’s doing now, not even close.) I really want to talk to him but I don’t know when that would be possible (I have a feeling I’ll just break down and cry badly making myself look like a fool or what if he just wouldn’t want to.) :’(

When I was thinking of breaking up with him the thought ran through my mind, could we really stay friends? I really wanted to but he didn’t, after we broke up he was depressed around me and he told me that it hurt being around me or even talking to me. :’( That really hurts me most of all, does that mean that he didn’t care about our friendship within the relationship? Did he just pretend to care about our conversations while we were together just so we could stay together?

Dam it “R!” You probably will never read this but you have no idea how much you hurt me! :’( When we broke up you would still come around granted you were all depressed but was it all just a show? :’( Yah, I was kind of relieved when we broke up and I felt happy that I didn’t have to hide how I felt, but that’s the problem, I still did. Up until this point I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I was over everything, but now I must come clean. Yah, I felt better when we broke up but I was hurting deep down because the way that our relationship took a turn in the wrong direction. :’( Dam you! Why can’t you understand that you weren’t the only that was hurt here! :’( You weren’t the only one that lost something you cared about! I lost you! :’( I loved you! The way we were together and the way we talked about things of the future, I really thought that someday I would marry you! :’( I tried so hard to make things work between us and you just didn’t see that. Throughout everything people would try telling to leave you for different reasons and I would just ignore them because I wanted to work things out with you! :’(

After we broke up and we watched our video that day that we both broke down crying in my room; we decided to start over and that’s when we went on those dates to see if there was still something there. The first date I felt the difference that was in you, you had already gone back to drinking and you just weren’t the same but still I went on another because I thought maybe, just maybe we could work things out and get back together dispite the heartache and confusion I was going through towards the end. It wasn’t until the third date (that you kind of snuck up me on after church), that was the day that I really realized that I lost you for good; you weren’t the same at all. :’( You told me straight out that if I wanted to get back together that I had to take you as you were, that you weren’t going to change anymore (this included all the drinking among other things-not drugs, or at least not that I know of) and I knew that I didn’t want anyone that would drink before so why was I going to jeopardize my wants and needs so I could watch you destroy yourself!? :’( I realized I had to let you go. :’( You told me ever since we broke up that you still loved me and wanted to get back together then why didn’t you act like it? You said that you thought that we were just going to be separated for a little while and then get back together then why did you act so different. If you really wanted me still, why did you do everything that you knew wouldn’t get us back together!? Why did you push me away? :’(

Now here I am, left out again, sad, depressed and alone with no shoulder to cry on and no one to hold me as I so badly need. My poor niece and nephew take way too many hugs from me and I know that sometimes I hold them too tight or too long that they start to scwarm out of my embrace. Back in high school, all my friends would hug me on a daily bases every time we would see each other and I think even that wasn’t enough. I'm so hug deprived. :(

I seriously need some therapy for so many things, too many things, I wish that I could just sit down with someone for one whole day and just talk about everything. Just to let everything go would be so nice. -(small smile of wishful thinking) I think that if it wouldn’t be for my belief in God, I wouldn’t be here today; I would have been long gone. I know that God has some purpose for me and I just can’t give up on that, that’s my only hope. Even my family is too distant from me, they never were really there(they were there physcally but not in the sense that I needed them). Right now I teach the children’s class at my church and I always think of the children, I can’t leave them they need me and somewhere out there someone else needs me too and when I think of this; I don’t just think there’s a God, I know. :' )

Oh how can I tell you?

(Don't know when this was originally written but for sure it was towards the end when I already had it with the way things were going.)

I need to talk to you,
I need to tell you what's on my mind
Oh every time I try, it seems as if you hide.
Oh how can I tell you how I feel
if you don't even answer the phone?
Oh how can I tell you face to face
if we don't see each other anymore?
I have so much to tell you but with little time
Where do I start?
Oh, my feelings of love for you have died.
I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I feel this way,
but my feeling for you have changed.
Oh how can I tell you?
I want to go back to being just friends.
When I do tell you, I hope you understand,
but for now one question remains...
Oh how can I tell you?

(It wasn't easy but I finally did, over the phone-the only way possible. He didn't understand and it seemed like he was angry with me, I think the way things were going, I was intitled to be more mad then him. Oh well... We tried being friends afterwards but it's now been a month or more since we last spoke. The "R" time is now over. Yay time to focus on the present-Jordan! )

Why are you doing this to me?

(once again I'm not sure when I originally wrote this, oh well...)

My love is pure and it's always been true
And now this, I have to say,

Oh why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are you slowly taking my heart and then lsowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

Our love wasn't like andy other,
Oh I don't know why we found each other.
You were always there for me,
When for a friend I was in need.
But now I don't even know what to say to you.
Oh I don't want to break your heart,
but now, oh I think it's now time for us to part.

Oh baby why are you doing this to me? Oh why, oh why?
Why are yo slowly taking my heart and then slowly tearing it apart?
After I've been so true, always I'll love you.
Oh why are you doing this to me?

Change

(I stopped writing dates after a while because I just wanted to express my feelings that I forgot- but there all in order anyways.)

Things always seem different, as nothing is ever the same.
I was never happy and I never knew why.
I couldn't believe how much my life changed after I met you.
I began to feel happiness that I could have never before,
even imagined.
When did things change back to those unhappy feelings?
Why did things have to change?
Why didn't things stay the same, encluding my feelings for you?
I ma never know, but I know one thing for sure,
I hate too much change.

(As you could imagine this was written when I began to realize that my relationshop with "R" was not going to work out.)

Drift Away

(once again I don't know when I originally wrote this)

Sometimes my mind can't help but drift away.
I often think of that day.
I still have so many reminders of you.
I use to wonder what to do.
As one of my friends, you were one of the best.
But ever since you entered your enternal rest,
sometimes I still drift away,
and when I think of that day,
I can only think of good times with you.
I wonder what we'll do,
if you're still one of the best,
will we still be friends when I join you in enternal rest?

-In loving memory of a good friend: M.M.O

Panic Attack

(I don't know the original date because I didn't write it, it wasn't a top priority at the moment)

It's getting really cold, tears in my eyes, I try to hold.
They want to come out.
"Perfect" playing on the radio, now "Unwell".
My heart is raccing, pounding, lights flicker, rain pounding outside followed by thunder,
police sierenes are to be heard, I'm so terrifed at the moment.
I need some help!
Tears begin to form, still in my eyes they remain.
Radio goes off allowing the sounds more in.
Fear runs through my body as tears run from my eyes as I cry.
Radio came back on I can still hear the outside sounds inside.

(This was during a thunder storm. I'm terrified of storms because my family and I got caught in a flood one year. Our car filled up with water while we were still in it, we had to save ourselves but climbing out the drivers side widow, on the roof of the car where my brother was and pulled us up, down the back window and trunk. There were two men that stopped to help, they held a rope which my brother through to them and we pulled our way through the water and then we walked home-lucky a street away which somehow wasn't flooded. See I have a reason to be afraid, very afraid.)

Fixed a Door

originally written 9/07/03

A night out on the town is not the same because you're not around.
After returning I see my ex-bf but I really wish it were you.
It's true and weird, I see him more often than you
I really am truely lucky, most guys would e jealous,
but you trust in me, the way I trust in you.
Today I fixed a door that wouldn't close in more than one way.
Now please don't get mad, ut I sometimes would still wonder,
why didn't he ust want me, was I not enough?
I also wonder what my life would be like if he did choose me,
would I be just as happy? Probably not.
I now, with you am as happy as I could ever be,
and I don't wonder why, but I'm glad you chose me.
I wish you could have know the kind of satifaction I felt today,
knowing that I don't need him as much as he needs me,
so helpless, he can't even figure out how to pre-heat a stove, boil water for a cup of noodles, program a radio or VCR, he can't even figure out how to fix a door
that just won't close, I can, i took it apart and in an hour or less put it back
with it being able to close.
While I was fixing it he returned and tried to see how it was being done,
It was than that another door was fixed,
I no long wonder about life with him.
I can fix things on my own.
I don't need anyone, I could live alone,
but still I'm glad that I have you.

(I don't wish to comment now but maybe later I will)

Life and With you

originally written 9/06/02

I actually feel pain in my heart when we're apart
things that happened in my past, memories still last.
My 2 brothers and my sister left home at an ealy age.
My mom's so afraid that I will too,
that she tries to not let me have a normal life,
as the kid I rfeally am.
I was forced to grow up too soon,
I'm too mature for my age.
Sometimes I'm glad, but other times I wish that,
I could enjoy being and acting likde a kid.
I've never gone to the mall before, or out just with friends.
I've never even been out on a "real" date before.
I always felt left out like I'm not part of the crowd.
I don't even know how to cry out loud.
I try to hide them from my "friends" and "family" and even you,
sometimes but mostly from myself.
No matter what you say, I feel ashamed of myself,
and alone without you here with me.
I believe that when you start off with a good life,
you suffer later on, I've suffered all along,
so maybe life is getting better for me, starting with you.
You always tell me that youu're the lucky one,
but I wonder what I did to deserve a person like you.
You make me feel like the lucky one here.
I always tried to think of myself as lucky but,
I never started believing it until now.
I'm to try until I'm at least eighteen,
to remain in the same house under my mom's roof.
Then I'm moving out with or without you.
But things are better with you,
so I hope that's how it'll stay, you and me only.

(Now looking back on this, I don't think I ever felt like this with "R" as I do for Jordan. Reading what I wrote seems like it applies to Jordan than it ever did for "R". "R" didn't really know what I meant by this and Jordan does. - Isn't this kind of weird how life turns out completely different than what we expect? I would have thought that "R" and I would have been together forever, or at least gotten married, but now he doesn't want to talk to me because I wouldn't get back with him. I'm not even sure if we would make good friends the way that he's changed over the years.)

Until I Met You.

originally written 8/31/03

Things I never did before,I still can't believe, I'm trying then now
I was afraid to, or I would often quit,
I gave up on the world because I thought the world had given up on me.
It was hard for me to trust because all promises people would not ever keep.
It was hard for me , at night I would often cry myself to sleep.
I always felt weak, no matter what I would do, it always felt the same.
That's of course, until I met you.
Ever since, I gave the would a 2nd chance, just as it has me.
I'm beginning to trust easily starting with you.
At night I sleep so peacefully.
Now I cry only tears of joy.
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
And no matter what I do, I'm happy because I'm with you.

(Well now looking back I think whoever I end up with owes "R" a huge thanks, because I was I project when we met and he improved me for the long run. -Thanks "R"!)

Tears

originally written 8/10/03

It use tyo be that when tears formed in my eyes wanting to cry, the tears were those of saddness.
I don't quite know why when a song plays on the radio it reminds me of you and the happy times we've spent on the phone.
I have to stop and smile whenever I think of you.
Even when I am, I don't feel so alone,
It's true, when I'm alone in my room, I'm not, because you're always in my thoughts and deep in my heart, but still I can't figure out...
When my tears of joy, love, and happiness made my tears of saddness fade away.
In my everyday life, in every possible way,
I love you and I hope you remember that and never forget.

(as you culd imagine once again I have both tears of saddness and joy= love sucks! )

Love

originally written 8/3/03

So sweet and very smart, that's what you are,
I don't know what exactly it is,
A kiss is just a kiss, so people say...
Maybe so but it means much more.
Every time we kiss, it's easy to say,
I'm falling deeperr in love, in a new way.
Will our love last long? I just may.
I'll love you forever and always.

(sigh... oh well it was a good run while it lasted and I do still love him but as nothing more than a friend)

So Happy In Love

originally written 8/3/03

The time we've spent together, I'll never forget
Things we say and do, runs through my head
People thought we wouldn't last more than two weeks
Now look, aren't they surprised,
We're still in each others lives
I'm so happy when I take a look in your eyes
I love when you hold me in your arms
I feel the love deep in my heart
Nothing or no one can take us apart.

(if you haven't noticed the pattern yet the "R" stands for a name, my ex-boyfriends name to be exact. The only one that took us apart was him, he changed so much from when we first met some good, some bad-more bad as the years went on. That's right I said years ,almost 4. )

Never End

originally written 7/10/03

Whenever I go out, there's never any doubt
I love you with all my heart, even when we're apart
When we talk on the phone, I know I'm not alone
When you speak of problems at home
I wish I could be there to comfort you
Because my feelings are true
I wish out love will never end.

(as every other relationship, our love eventually came to an end)

Just you & Me

originally written 6/22/03

Whenever I think of you, a smile spreads across my face.
I know now my heart's in the right place.
With you I'm glad to be.
My feeling are beyond what eyes could see.
My love for you runs really deep.
I will try for you to keep, that loving heart that lyes beneith.
I love the way you are always so sweet.
I've been hurt before, I hope with you no more.
I've never felt this way before.
With each day I'm loving you more.
When I'm with you everyone else is out.
There's no doubt, their opinions matter not to me.
Together forever, I hope us to be.
Together forever, just you and me.