Trip to downtown :'(

Just so everyone knows, I never posted on the subject to tell you that Jordan and I made it offical and we have been boyfriend-girlfriend since October 18th when he came to San Antonio.

On Saturday we took our van to the shop to get a leak repaired, the mechanics told us that it would be ready in about 4hours so rather than waiting(it was before 9am. and we hadn't had breakfast) we walked to a resturant that was adjacent to the shop. That didn't take too long so we crossed the street and took the bus to downtown(not far from where we were) my fear of returning downtown came true, we walked right in front of the hotel (several times as if I was meant to be tormented) which Jordan stayed at during fall break.

Right away, my heart sunk and I felt like I just wanted to cry right then and there. If that wasn't bad enough we stood waiting for a troll to come, right on the side of the hotel and my mom kept bring up fall break when Jordan was around(that only made things worse for me), there was a bridge there and we all looked down and there was the river floor exit of the hotel where Jordan and I went through several times, I fought back the tears as I am now.

That still wasn't the hard part, when we got on the troll we all sat in the exact same spot where Jordan and I sat (mom my and sisters choice) as we rode around my mom continued to ask questions about when Jordan was around and when/ if him and his family were going to come back. I don't know was all that I could muster out without my the sound of sadness being able to be deteched in my voice.

I talked to Jordan about the whole thing (there was more, much more but I really don't want to cry at the moment) and he felt so sad for me, with me. I could tell in his voice that he was as sad as I was about not knowing when and if we will see each other again.

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In case anyone's wondering what's going on with us we were doing pretty good, until now. I told Jordan that I talked to my cousin ("R's" bestfriend) and I let him know that I wasn't upset about "R" because I already had Jordan but what Jordan doesn't know yet, last night I told my mom about us being together(before Jordan and I talked on the phone until it was time to go to bed. Yay, no not really. :( Jordan, I'm sorry honey that I didn't tell you first, but I just didn't know how to. I always thought of it that when I would tell her, I would be all excited and that would be one of the first thing that I would want tell you.

As you could see where this is going, things did not go as well as I would have thought( where my mom would want to know all the details, when, where, ect...) This would be her normal reaction as with all my previous relationships. I love my mom and we're really close so I value her opinion very much and I wanted her to be curious and happy for me. That was not the case, she basically confirmed my worse fears.

To my surprise, my mom sort of scolded with a mini lecture on how this will never work out. I had tears in my eyes which I had to fight back as we pulled into our driveway, because I know my mom so well, it seemed to me like she was frustrated and kind of disappointed in me. (and that's what really hurt the most) She hit on some really strong points that I originally had and that brought a deep sense of sadness to my heart as I thought of everything that Jordan and I have been going through.

I still feel so sad right now. She reminded me of the age difference and the distance(Ponca City,Oklahoma and San Antonio,Texas) She told me that that is not a way to be with someone because we really aren't together. She told me that we could never really learn enough about each other over the phone, we'll never know how we are really feeling when we talk on the phone. We could sound a certain way and then be feeling another way which we would only know if we could see each others facial expression.

As usual, mom is so right :'( Yesterday I kind of didn't want to call Jordan because I just wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I knew if I didn't call, he would so I called him. The whole time that we were talking, Jordan didn't know that I was holding back the tears in my eyes. Because he couldn't see me, he went on talking as if everything was fine, when it really wasn't. After we ended our conversation I really wanted to release those tears that were still in my eyes but instead I still held them in and went to take a shower. I took a long shower and in the course of the time I was in there I let it all out and just cried. When I came out I wanted to cry myself to sleep but it felt like I just didn't have the strength to, hopelessly, I fell asleep with sadness in my heart and the thought of my mom's disappointment in me.