Left out again :(

(I wrote this last night before I went to sleep.)

I made an attempt to contact my dad today (and that’s not easy for me to do) he answer but he was working as usual (not to my benefit since he lives in another city and my mom is single handedly struggling to keep everything barely together) I asked him if he would please call me after work and he agreed…he never called.

I’m supposed to be part of the IEEE and I have heard nothing from anyone, it’s as if I don’t count. I see other members and the only one’s that would talk to me either:
1.) Don’t recognize me with my new haircut and semi new colorful style.

OR

2.) They just don’t want to even talk to me anymore. (as if that was a lot to begin with)

I was talking to a new friend of mine about IEEE while walking to my class and he said he was thinking of joining. He told me that he got a email that there was a meeting on Friday (I did not receive that email and that’s cause I was on the list the past two semesters.) I’m being left out again and this really sucks! I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not only a “blue person” I’m a “green person” which part of it’s description is that I recharge by being by myself; but I hate being left out of the loop when it comes to something important. :@ I also heard that robotics (which I’ve been waiting for) has started or is going to start and I once again did not get an email!

I was talking to Jordan and I was telling him everything that I have been going through lately. Well I didn’t tell him, but when I mentioned being left out again with the IEEE and robotics (just like in high school) and then my dad, and tears began to roll down my face. I wanted to really cry out but I held it in hiding it from him.

Right now I’m crying, ever since I was on the phone with Jordan, he has no idea how bad things really are, I’m not sure if I really want him to know. He was trying to cheer me up because he knew I was upset by what I was telling him but only tears ran down my face so he was clueless to my crying. :’(

Jordan’s the only one other than Sumo that I can talk to about just about anything, I wanted to tell Jordan but he was in too good of a mood that I thought he didn’t need me pulling him down. He always has problems of his own just like anyone else so why pull him down with my troubles now?

As we were getting off the phone Jordan convinced me to lay down and try to take it easy and I guess at least try to forget everything that’s going on. I wish that I could say it helped but it just made me have to hold back more, as soon as we got off the phone I sunk my head into my pillow and I CRIED, I mean I really let it out. That helped but I’m still crying and I have a feeling that I will cry myself to sleep.

I don’t know how Jordan’s going to react when he sees this blog. (sigh) I’m just going through so much right now as I stated before and I don’t what to do about anything. Everything is just coming at me so fast and I’m afraid that I don’t know how much more I can take before I have a melt down. (Which has happened before in the past and was hard on me for a good time period) I hope and pray that I can get past all this before that happens. :’( I better figure something soon or I’ll be in trouble.