Where do I belong?

I can't sleep, so I blog to calm my nerves. (Hopefully)

I've spent yesterday and today with my family(mom, brothers, & sisters) celebrating two B-day's. Most would assume it would be fun to go bowling and then out to a pizza place in two days but,(sigh) nope... not when it's my family. I feel like the one that's always left out of everything, since I was little it's always been that way. I'm not the oldest nor the baby of the family, I'm not even the middle child so why me? Why am I always feeling this way? And before anyone makes the assumption that it's all in my head, it's not, in fact; I wish it were just all in my head but there's actual proof.
I might not show it but I've always been the "Loser" of my family, I've never been cool enough for any of them. This doesn't bother, the way my own family treats me, that what bothers me. I'm the one that doesn't follow the crowd or try to prove myself to anyone, I'm just me, that the way I've always been. My brothers and sisters have always followed the crowd even when it comes to stupid things. Well there's always one in every family and I guess I'm that one, I was always picked on, mental and physically (I have both scares to prove it.)
I never did anything but help my brothers and sister all my life and they have hurt me in so many ways in return of my kindness (and I realize what you might be thinking& no I don't do it for them to treat me differently, I've just always been the kind-hearted person of the family) I believe in honoring thy mother and father, and respecting, caring, for my siblings as well as others. I'm one of those persons that can show kindness to someone even so heartless just at the thought of showing them what humanity should be like. It's hard and trying to show it constantly to those whom wronged me but I continue to be an 'opt' looking on the bright side of the half full glass.
Seriously, as odd as this may sound: I've always been the ONLY white sheep of my family surrounded by individual black sheep which makes the white sheep look odd. (Jordan: I'm sure you would agree with me, you know about them, you know what I'm referring to)
I'm nothing like my family, I don't see where I fit with them other then someone to pick on and use as a life preserver when needed. I promise you this, with every little thing I do for them; if I wasn't there to do it, I don't know what they would do without me. I'm a freakin' life saver, and I honestly don't know how I've put up with all this for so long. I've been saying no and trying to distance myself from them when I get a chance-which I've been trying to do more ever since my return. My mom still likes to bring up the fact that I abandoned her without warning(which isn't true unless you consider about a month no warning, and then actual proof warn of two weeks. It's not my fault she chose not to believe it until the night before.)
They all need me to a certain point but won't admit it, my mom probably most of all.
Well I've always had these thoughts but yesterday and today it really hit me hard, how am I even related to these persons? I really can't see it. I feel like the poor white sheep that doesn't belong. Where do I belong? The sad thing is I know where I belong, I feel like myself, better than myself, "Sarah 2.o", complete when I'm with Jordan no matter where we are. I want to go home Jordan, just like you've told me in the past, you're my home, you're where I belong. :'(

Another Year Gone By

Another year gone by I feel so useless, that's crazy I know I'm not but I feel like I am. I wish I could change my life. It's been a year since Heath Ledger's death. It's so weird to think of it already that long ago. It was weird for me to hear it's been an entire year already, all the news had a short mentioning of him and there have been some of his movies showing on T.V.

I glad I don't feel the same as I did one year ago when I first blogged about his death. I feel much better and I'm looking forward towards the future, my future. :) I'm in love with Jordan and that's enough of a reason for me to feel good. It feels so good to think positive so just forget my first comment, I feel great and so should everyone! Have a great rest of the day, I'm going to go and do something useful with the rest of mine.

A New Year!

Hello to everyone!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I know I did. :)

First of all, I hope that I didn't worry anyone the way I just completely stopped posting after Jordan and I broke up. I kept on writing but I just never had the chance to post any of them, later I'll try to post the document link for anyone that wants to read them all but I must warn- there are a lot, I wrote practically every day.

**Just a quick recap, things were hard after Jordan and I broke up, we would still talk everyday and he had a different reaction than any of my past breakups. Instead of pulling away he was sweet, caring, and still there for me no matter what. It was painful but for a long while we didn't tell each other how we felt but there were moments when I cried, then he cried with me.
**I started dating for while but sadly things just couldn't compare to what Jordan and I had, I think I was trying too hard to make myself have feeling that weren't really there. The way things were only farther help me realize my feelings for Jordan weren't going to go away, and they still haven't.

This Christmas holiday I spent two amazing weeks with the love of my life, Jordan and I'm glad that I took the chance because it only brought us closer to each and fall more and more in love with each. I still can't believe, I didn't think it was even possible to be in love as we are now. I've felt so great ever since I decided to take that chance, I don't regret it at all.

I went by train because I had never been on one and I always wanted to try it.

My Train experience:
4. Well it was a long train ride but it was so quit compared to all the craziness I was use to.
3. I was able to sleep A LOT (which I disparately needed)
2. I saw beautiful landscapes along the way.
1. The best thing of all, I did it all on my own!

When I arrived it was really cold, but I didn't have to be in the cold too long because Jordan was there waiting for me on the platform . I nearly cried but the cold wind kept me from my tears.

It was so great to be with him again, I love him so much. I spent Christmas with him and his family, they are so nice and fun to be around. I got some presents but the best present of all was just being able to spent Christmas with Jordan I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! :)

We stayed at Jordan's Grandma's house for three days and we saw a lot of movies and played Guitar Hero World Tour with his brother and sister. It was fun! After the three days we drove down to his dad's side of the family for an after Christmas, Christmas. We were there for most of the day then we went back to his house. We drove around a lot but I liked it, he is such a good driver, I felt so safe with him.

On New Years Eve we went to other city to eat lunch and Jordan bought me a t-shirt from there. He kind of picked it because he liked the way it looked and it was two shades of GREEN! I love green so I really liked it. When we got back in town we went over to his friends house so we could meet but he was with his girlfriend so I met his parents and we watched Across the Universe I really liked that movie since the first time I saw, (I LOVE the Beatles!) When we got back to his house, his sister was having a New Years party so being the losers and nerds that we are we just went to his room and watch a Battle Star Galactica season.

For anyone who's into robotic: The First Robotic Kickoff was on the 3rd and we were there! It was so different than what I was use to. The game is so different now, a lot has changed. Jordan being the nerd I know and love, had to help teach many persons how to work with the new programming. So I had the pleasure of watching him at his nerdiest. :D

We stayed late so Jordan was pretty much brain dead, hungry, and on a sugar crash from all the sweet snacks he ate. I said goodbye to everyone I met there because it was my last night then went to eat at Chili's. I had never been there so Jordan was determined to take me there as he had pomised, he's so sweet. That's just one of the things I love about him, he always does what he says he's going to do.

The train station is about two hours away from Jordan's house so just he and I spent the night at his grandma's house about twenty mins away. On the drive over there he had to pull over on the side of the road because I was crying from the thought of having to leave the next morning. He cried with me, we cried so much and we held each other tight. I don't remember the last time I cried the way I did that night, I felt dead afterwards, it was like I cried out almost all my tears.

The next morning I was as strong as I could be and I held back my tears that I desparately wanted to cry on the drive to the train station and as we waited for my train. He walked with me to the train and he gave me one last hug and kiss than walked away. I think he trying not to let me see him cry but I saw the tears in his eyes and I'm sure he saw the ones in mine. I cried to myself for a little while on the train as I looked out the window, eventually I took a nap. It was kind of sad, I woke up and I looked around in search of Jordan before I realized where I was.

Don't worry everyone, I've been feeling great lately, I'll admit it was hard at first but I really have been feeling great and it's all because of Jordan. I will go back again in April but not for as long. :( Any time with him is better than none at all. :) I can't wait until I get to hold him, kiss him and look into those bright blue eyes again.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JORDAN! FY394. -FY392 :)