Jake :)

I met someone today, it was really unexpected, his name is Jake, my math class ended early, and I had an unfinished rough draft due, so I went in search for a spot to work on it. After finding that all seats were taken up stairs, I went downstairs to my luck, I saw people leaving from a table, the whole table to myself, score! I sat and began working, not long at all, this man comes up to me, with his hands full with a large book, and a lot of papers, he asked me if he could sit down. Of course I was not going to use the whole table, so I said it was fine, and he sat in front of me. He told me that he needed to work on homework, and I told him I had a paper due. I still think it was kind of funny, somehow we got into a conversation starting out asking basic info about each other., he asked what’s my major so I told him I’m studying Electrical Engineering, he’s majoring in Radio broadcasting among other things. Needless to say, neither one of us completely finished our assignments, but it was worth it, he gave me his number, so I entered it in my phone and hit dial so he could have my number as well, and we went on to our separate classes. I was in such a good mood to began with, but I felt a little guilty, I was suppose to go out later to see a movie with my friend Henry, we hung out as friends before, but this time he already knew Jordan broke up with me, so he asked me out. I knew I was going out with Henry later, but I was so excited after talking to Jake, he reminded me of Jordan at first, and I remembered Jordan told me I would find someone like him, but the truth is, he is soooo not like Jordan, and that’s a good thing for me. :) Everything has been great!

I’ve been going to the counselor a little over a month, and it has really helped me, for the second time I walked in there happy, but this time I felt so strong. I told her about the break up, and how hard it’s been, but that I realized I need to move on, continue with my life to the fullest, I will not allow myself to shut down. I told her how, it would be pointless to hold on to something that’s not there anymore, I have to let Jordan go, and live my life. I felt so empowered, and then came the fall, she asked me what I would do if Jordan would ever ask me back, I pause as tears formed in my eyes, I told her how much I loved him, how much I still love him, but I have to move on; I told her, even with as much as I love him, I don’t think I could do that to myself, it hurts too much. I need to live for myself, I would still be on the fence, but I would have to be strong for me, I couldn’t do it, I would say no. Probably reluctantly, but it hurts too much, I am going to be fine. Even with me saying this, I have a homework assignment, I need to write a pros and cons list with Gabby, about why I should let Jordan go, or why I shouldn’t give up hope, I broke, my confidence was broken, I know it’s not good to keep hoping in this situation. I agreed but, I really didn’t want to do it. L I did not leave the way I entered, but the good news is, that I am doing well, both counselors agree, they think I’m going to be good enough to end my sessions, only one more to go! :D I’m soooo happy about that! It hurts when I relive memories, but I don’t want to forget, instead I will just have to forgive and let go if I ever have to deal with more difficult situations like this, I want to be prepared and know how to handle them. I can’t believe she broke me again, I was not going to cry anymore, but I was obviously wrong, it’s still a process. I love Jordan, I know some part of me always will love him, I just wish him the best. I still miss him, I’m still tempted to text or call, but that’s a habit I will have to let go as well, I have toughen up, we can’t talk, I won’t let myself.

So, like I said, I went to the movies with Henry after I got out of school, we missed all the good movies, so we had to watch a foreign film, “A Serous Man”, neither one of us could figure it out, and that’s because it was in English! That had to be one of the weirdest movies I EVER saw! We kind of understood the point, but it left sooo many things unanswered. After the movie we ate at the deli in Target, I know that seems cheesy, maybe because it was, but we both really wanted to go look at the Legos and Kentex, so we killed two birds with one stone. :D He met my mom, today, it was kind of funny, he was his crazy self, he didn’t even try to hide the way he was. Surprisingly, he made my mom laugh, and we got to pick on him. J When I got home I got a text from Jake, he wanted to know what I was doing, after texting,” Nothing, just at home”, he called me, I liked talking to him more than going out with Henry, at least I went out and tried, but there won’t be another date. Jake and I talked for a while, and learned some basic stuff about each other, he is 28, seven years older than me, going to my college, (obviously since that’s where we met) in his fourth year, works near by our school, has a truck, and lives by himself in his own house. I told him about me, and after getting to know each other more, Jake asked me out for Saturday, that seem cool to me, I think it could be great, he seems more my type than Henry, and that’s because I wasn’t even sure if I had a type, apparently I do, it must be the dorkyness. :)

Regrouping

It has not been easy, and I don’t expect it to be. I was having a hard time at work, I can’t let myself, shut down. I went to work after an almost complete melt down last night. I had to help some guy with his little girl, he was walking around without a clue, I approached him and asked if he needed help, after all he was in the lingerie department, he laughed and told me his wife sent him to find her something. I asked what he was looking for, bras or panties, he told me she wanted something sexy for Christmas, but she wanted him to pick it out. I took him over to the sexy Christmas outfits we had, he told me she has a lot of black and red, so he wanted something different. I took him over to another area, where we had more black and red, black and pink, and white. He really liked the white one, I asked if he knew her size, he didn’t know how to pick out the size, but he knew her cup size and waist, so that helped, really that’s all you need to know. He also liked a black and pink one. He wasn’t sure which he wanted, and asked me, if I was married, I told him no, than he asked if I had a boyfriend, I sighed and said, “Recently, no,” he apologized, and told me he just wanted an opinion of what I would get, he apologized again, and said, “ You know what, screw him, he doesn’t deserve you,” my eyes got a little teary and my voice cracked as I said, thanks with a small smile. I told him he could have one for Christmas and save one for Valentines, so he wouldn’t have to worry about it later, he laughed and said he doesn’t get twofers, that’s why she has so many, he said, “ I’m easy, Ill just take both.” He looked at me kind of sad, my eyes still glossy and fighting back tears, he thanked me for my helping and went on to pay. It’s crazy, but I rebuilt myself fast thinking of what he said, he was right, screw him, maybe Jordan didn’t deserve me, I did so much for him over the years, much more than he realized or ever gave me credit for. I was still a little hurt, but I regrouped and got back to work.

It's Over and it hurts.

I’ve been going through a lot lately, I’m going to be honest about what happened. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately with memories haunting me from my past that I just hadn’t let go. I told Jordan everything, he knew my deepest darkest secrets, I trusted him with my life. It hurts me so much that I put too much pressure on him for so long, I pushed him away with all my problems. I wasn’t being myself, so as a result, he eventually told me he fell out of love with me, he said that he didn’t love me the way he use to, he only loved me as a friend. It hurt so much, because my love for him was so strong., I was still happy in love with him.

For a while now, I’ve been driving myself crazy in a very bad way remember my past, it was uncontrollable for me. I began having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, at first I wanted them to stop, I didn’t know why I was having those thoughts, I still can’t believe I let it get so far. Jordan was there trying to help me through it, he made me promise him I would call anytime I got those thoughts, I don’t know what happened, we hadn’t been talking for a while and then I was going through this and their he was; I don’t know what was going on in my head, the thoughts just kept becoming more and more frequently. I think in my mind I was liking the attention I had from Jordan once again, I am so ashamed that I didn’t realize this sooner. Through this process, I scared him and pushed him away. I lost my boyfriend, and I begged him to take me back, he said that it wasn’t my fault, he just fell out of love, but I wasn’t being me, how could he love what I was becoming? He broke up with me, and I told him I was going to kill myself, because I only allowed myself to live this long, for him, I lived for him. He said he would stay with me for a while, until I was better, I asked him to just try and he could love me again once he got to know the me that was gone, the me he fell in love with in the first place.

The next day, he was calling non stop, and I couldn’t answer, I was busy, but I didn’t even text him to let him know. He then text me to call, that it was an emergency, so I got away from what I was doing and I went to my room and called him. He was so upset with me, he thought I did something to myself. I told me that despite what he said before, he couldn’t do it, he talk to his friend and his mom for advice and they both told him he needed to get out. I cried and begged him not to, but he said that he made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it anymore, I begged him so much and still he would change his mind, he was not my Jordan at that moment, his voice was completely different than I had ever heard before. He told said he would still be my friend but he couldn’t be with me anymore, that hurt so bad, it still does, I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. He said he would call me later, I panicked and I called my friend Lucy, I couldn’t stop crying, and I told her everything. I told her what I thought he was doing, that he just needed to give me one more chance, I was in so much pain. I made the final mistake, I asked her to talk to him for me, that I was afraid he wouldn’t answer the phone or want to hear my voice anymore.

She agreed that she would talk to him, I was just crying and crying after I got off the phone with her, it only got worst, I was really hurt. After a while, Jordan called me, I answered it, he knew I was crying and asked me what was wrong, I told him,” What do you think Jordan? It hurts, a lot.” He told me he had just got off the phone with Lucy, I apologized and told him I just really needed to talk about it. He was angry with me, then the non- Jordan voice came out again, he told me, “Sarah listen to me, it’s over, we are not going to get back together, I am not going to just fall back love with you.” I started begging and crying, I had given him several chances before, he screwed up so much and I always gave him another chance, I had even gone through a point where I fell out of love with him, I thought I needed someone else, I didn’t even know who, I just thought I wanted someone new, I fell out of love with him for a while but I never told him, I kept talking to him, and when I went to see him in the summer, I fell back in love with him the moment I saw him, I remembered, I loved him.

I had told him about this the first night he tried to break up with me, we were planning a trip for me to go up and see him again over Christmas and New Years, I told him to wait and just see until then, he agreed then, but not this time. I told him not talking to him would be like he was dead, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. I told him he had to give me a second chance, he told me, ”This was your second chance, you I know you don’t want another guy, but you can’t have me.” when I begged with him to just wait he told me we were done, “Sarah, I am not going to fall back in love with you, I won’t let myself fall back in love with you. I can’t talk to you anymore, not even as friends, I need to move on and so do you, and you won’t be able to if unless we stop talking, I’m sorry, goodbye Sarah.” I said, “ I love you, goodbye” I said, “I love you, goodbye”, and hung up the phone. I cried so hard, I called Lucy and I couldn’t even talk for a while, I was just crying out, letting it all out. I was so upset, she tried to calm me down, but it seemed hopeless. I had worked things out with my mom the day before, that itself was a miracle, I thought I would never be able to talk to her, so I gained my mom and lost my boyfriend the next day; I was crying to Lucy that I wanted my mom, but she wasn’t home, and I didn’t want to call and scare her. My only choice was to wait for her, which really sucked. I had Lucy to cry on, it was so hard, I just wanted my mom, I never felt this close to my mom, but things were different, I felt like I had a true mom there for me, telling me everything was going to be alright. I received a call from my mom and asked Lucy if I could call her back, it turns out my mom was home, but I accidentally locked her out.

She came in with a lot of stuff, which my little sister was helping her with. As soon as she put them down she asked what was wrong, I was still crying, and I told her,” It’s hard mom, it hurt so much.” She hugged me and told me that I was going to be fine, she told me, ”Just let him go, he’s the one that will see the difference, he’ll be the one to regret it later. Just be strong, you can do it, you’re not alone, just don’t let it get you down, you’ll fine someone who will really know how to appreciate you, and who will love you more, the way you deserve to be loved.” At first she sounded kind of mad and cold, but I know she was giving me the kick I needed, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I went up to my room and I called Lucy, she answered right away, I wasn’t crying anymore, I told her that it really helped talking to my mom. She agreed with her, and I kind of perked up, Lucy’s always known about the guys I know, I have a lot of friends that want to date me but I was always blunt about my feelings I had for Jordan, so they always knew there was no chance.

Lucy started talking to me excited, telling me that I could finally go out and have some fun with one of them or meet someone new (not very hard for me to do) it kind of helped me, and I really started to feel better, but then our conversation was cut off, I called Lucy back, then after talking some more, once again it was dropped, she called me back and told me that her phone was dying and that’s why the call kept dropping, I told her I would fine, and we hung up. I texted Jordan for the final time,” I have Lucy and my mom now, u were the push, they kicked my ass into gear. The things u were “trying”, I hope u’ll b ok. It hurts but I’m done crying. J ” He replied,” Good. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Goodbye, Sarah.”