It's Over and it hurts.

I’ve been going through a lot lately, I’m going to be honest about what happened. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately with memories haunting me from my past that I just hadn’t let go. I told Jordan everything, he knew my deepest darkest secrets, I trusted him with my life. It hurts me so much that I put too much pressure on him for so long, I pushed him away with all my problems. I wasn’t being myself, so as a result, he eventually told me he fell out of love with me, he said that he didn’t love me the way he use to, he only loved me as a friend. It hurt so much, because my love for him was so strong., I was still happy in love with him.

For a while now, I’ve been driving myself crazy in a very bad way remember my past, it was uncontrollable for me. I began having uncontrollable suicidal thoughts, at first I wanted them to stop, I didn’t know why I was having those thoughts, I still can’t believe I let it get so far. Jordan was there trying to help me through it, he made me promise him I would call anytime I got those thoughts, I don’t know what happened, we hadn’t been talking for a while and then I was going through this and their he was; I don’t know what was going on in my head, the thoughts just kept becoming more and more frequently. I think in my mind I was liking the attention I had from Jordan once again, I am so ashamed that I didn’t realize this sooner. Through this process, I scared him and pushed him away. I lost my boyfriend, and I begged him to take me back, he said that it wasn’t my fault, he just fell out of love, but I wasn’t being me, how could he love what I was becoming? He broke up with me, and I told him I was going to kill myself, because I only allowed myself to live this long, for him, I lived for him. He said he would stay with me for a while, until I was better, I asked him to just try and he could love me again once he got to know the me that was gone, the me he fell in love with in the first place.

The next day, he was calling non stop, and I couldn’t answer, I was busy, but I didn’t even text him to let him know. He then text me to call, that it was an emergency, so I got away from what I was doing and I went to my room and called him. He was so upset with me, he thought I did something to myself. I told me that despite what he said before, he couldn’t do it, he talk to his friend and his mom for advice and they both told him he needed to get out. I cried and begged him not to, but he said that he made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it anymore, I begged him so much and still he would change his mind, he was not my Jordan at that moment, his voice was completely different than I had ever heard before. He told said he would still be my friend but he couldn’t be with me anymore, that hurt so bad, it still does, I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. He said he would call me later, I panicked and I called my friend Lucy, I couldn’t stop crying, and I told her everything. I told her what I thought he was doing, that he just needed to give me one more chance, I was in so much pain. I made the final mistake, I asked her to talk to him for me, that I was afraid he wouldn’t answer the phone or want to hear my voice anymore.

She agreed that she would talk to him, I was just crying and crying after I got off the phone with her, it only got worst, I was really hurt. After a while, Jordan called me, I answered it, he knew I was crying and asked me what was wrong, I told him,” What do you think Jordan? It hurts, a lot.” He told me he had just got off the phone with Lucy, I apologized and told him I just really needed to talk about it. He was angry with me, then the non- Jordan voice came out again, he told me, “Sarah listen to me, it’s over, we are not going to get back together, I am not going to just fall back love with you.” I started begging and crying, I had given him several chances before, he screwed up so much and I always gave him another chance, I had even gone through a point where I fell out of love with him, I thought I needed someone else, I didn’t even know who, I just thought I wanted someone new, I fell out of love with him for a while but I never told him, I kept talking to him, and when I went to see him in the summer, I fell back in love with him the moment I saw him, I remembered, I loved him.

I had told him about this the first night he tried to break up with me, we were planning a trip for me to go up and see him again over Christmas and New Years, I told him to wait and just see until then, he agreed then, but not this time. I told him not talking to him would be like he was dead, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. I told him he had to give me a second chance, he told me, ”This was your second chance, you I know you don’t want another guy, but you can’t have me.” when I begged with him to just wait he told me we were done, “Sarah, I am not going to fall back in love with you, I won’t let myself fall back in love with you. I can’t talk to you anymore, not even as friends, I need to move on and so do you, and you won’t be able to if unless we stop talking, I’m sorry, goodbye Sarah.” I said, “ I love you, goodbye” I said, “I love you, goodbye”, and hung up the phone. I cried so hard, I called Lucy and I couldn’t even talk for a while, I was just crying out, letting it all out. I was so upset, she tried to calm me down, but it seemed hopeless. I had worked things out with my mom the day before, that itself was a miracle, I thought I would never be able to talk to her, so I gained my mom and lost my boyfriend the next day; I was crying to Lucy that I wanted my mom, but she wasn’t home, and I didn’t want to call and scare her. My only choice was to wait for her, which really sucked. I had Lucy to cry on, it was so hard, I just wanted my mom, I never felt this close to my mom, but things were different, I felt like I had a true mom there for me, telling me everything was going to be alright. I received a call from my mom and asked Lucy if I could call her back, it turns out my mom was home, but I accidentally locked her out.

She came in with a lot of stuff, which my little sister was helping her with. As soon as she put them down she asked what was wrong, I was still crying, and I told her,” It’s hard mom, it hurt so much.” She hugged me and told me that I was going to be fine, she told me, ”Just let him go, he’s the one that will see the difference, he’ll be the one to regret it later. Just be strong, you can do it, you’re not alone, just don’t let it get you down, you’ll fine someone who will really know how to appreciate you, and who will love you more, the way you deserve to be loved.” At first she sounded kind of mad and cold, but I know she was giving me the kick I needed, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I went up to my room and I called Lucy, she answered right away, I wasn’t crying anymore, I told her that it really helped talking to my mom. She agreed with her, and I kind of perked up, Lucy’s always known about the guys I know, I have a lot of friends that want to date me but I was always blunt about my feelings I had for Jordan, so they always knew there was no chance.

Lucy started talking to me excited, telling me that I could finally go out and have some fun with one of them or meet someone new (not very hard for me to do) it kind of helped me, and I really started to feel better, but then our conversation was cut off, I called Lucy back, then after talking some more, once again it was dropped, she called me back and told me that her phone was dying and that’s why the call kept dropping, I told her I would fine, and we hung up. I texted Jordan for the final time,” I have Lucy and my mom now, u were the push, they kicked my ass into gear. The things u were “trying”, I hope u’ll b ok. It hurts but I’m done crying. J ” He replied,” Good. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Goodbye, Sarah.”

Fresh!

I don't have to put up with all the crap from work anymore but I still have crap to deal with anyways. I'm glad I have Jordan there for me to get through the crap as I'm there for him, we're always there for each other and we wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting over and on the hunt again, putting out apps. and I'm feeling good. I have an interview tomorrow so, YAY! :)

My room has been looking good for a while now but yesterday I replaced my bed. It is such a space saver! I love it, I still can't believe my room, it looks so GREAT!!! It was hard work to it in my room because it was so heavy, specially stained all wood frame with thick 6" matching legs. I fell asleep so tired last night but I woke up feeling really good and well rested, the bed was so comfortable! My old bed was already really starting to hurt my back and neck. I slept so good and pain free. I'm now making some minor adjustments, I wanted a new bed and desk to complete my room and now I have them so I am happy am I'm done with the major stuff. One rule I'm going to try to follow, to keep your surroundings from become dull and boring you should always rearrange minor things such as pictures, decoration, books; the littlest of things can go a long way to keep your room looking fresh.

I can't wait to start my classes this fall semester.

Why parents should watch their kids at the store...

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I have my love back so I can release directly to him. Jordan always makes me feel so much better, I love talking things out with him. We've been catching up on what we missed since we couldn't talk.

Let me first start by saying, "Boys will be boys."
I work in retail and I have seen a lot of crazy things that kids do while their parents shop. I've seen kids fall off of shelves, knock down entire displays which where just put up, and many more things. Today I saw two kid(boys) so bord they decided to play, what and how did they play you may ask? Well, I could see them off in the distance, they were probably between the ages of seven and nine. I saw one boy reach for a baseball helmet (the only one left) so I guess the other boy wanted something on his head, his choice? He turned around and grabbed something white with straps, what was it..? I'll give you a hint, it was with the sports wear and sports equipment... if you can guess I would just like to say I never knew that what a jock strap look like until today, strapped to the little boys head. I was shocked that their parents weren't around to see them and tell them why it's so wrong to up just anything on your head.

Oh yay, on a random note, I ate animal crackers the day before and yesterday. Something about writing the blog about animal crackers really made me crave them. I shared with my nephew and at least I eat the head first to put the animal out of it's misery, he eat the feet one by one while making the animals noises to match. I was just giving him random animals and all of a sudden he tells me," Look, I got happy feet." It was a penguin so I asked if he was going to bite his little head off, he told me," No, I'll eat his feet first so he can stop dancing." The crazy things that come out of kids mouths, I thought I was evil, he's worst! He makes his poor little animals die a slow and painful death. CRUNCH!

Speak no more, so tired...

I woke up an hour before work, (late) I didn't want to get out of bed because was so tired. By the time I actually got up there were about forty minuets, I didn't iron my clothes (I didn't even know what to wear) I found clothes, ironed them, dressed, brush my teeth, wash my face, feed my dog, and cleaned up after him. No time for a breakfast energy boost, I grabbed a soda and a mini muffin (not enough) I was so tired at work, I just couldn't stop yawning. Why was I so tired? Well if you read my blog from yesterday you would know that it was late enough when I posted but then I typed out a letter, exercised (10mins. a day), rearranged some of my books on my new shelf, and took a shower. You would think I would be so tired, tired enough to just knock out, I was but I didn't. I tried to cry in the shower but it always just relaxes me so I couldn't, I really needed to cry, bad. So after my shower I laid in bed thinking of the main character Melinda in my book, "Speak," big mistake! I couldn't cry and it only hurt more, I was so tired but I couldn't sleep I had no other choice: I started reading the book. I was almost done, so close to the end, the story was at the climax I could stop! About an hour later I finished the book, 3:38am when I looked at the time. Bad news: I didn't get enough sleep. Good news: I bawled like I knew the character personally, I cried and it felt so good, I felt so good. Closure at last!

Through all this I still thought of Jordan, I miss Jordan so much, it Tuesday night so his plane should be returning him home soon, and he promised he would call as soon as he was home, YAY!!! I can't wait to hear him voice again, I love the sound of his voice, I him. I love Jordan so much! Thisssss much! (arm stretched out as wide as they possible could) I know, I'm such a dork, oh well I don't care. :)

Well I'm going to try to go to sleep early, Jordan usually helps, over the phone he drags me top my bed, I don't know how he does it but he does, I love him. :) I think I need a not-so intense book this time around, hopefully I will choose one that won't drive me crazy again. JORDAN! he just called, he's riding home from the airport, he'll call me when he's back home! YAY!!!! I'm so happy! Got to go, he should be home soon.

"Speak" :'(

As you may have noticed I didn't blog yesterday, I wanted to but I just didn't find the time. I had to distract myself so I did rearrange some of my stuff as I said then I went shopping with my mom. I'm still so proud of myself because I've kept up with my rule that I would only buy things that I need, I serious needed a bookshelf so I bought on among a few other items. I knew I needed one but I really didn't know how much I needed the bookshelf until I started putting I my books on it. It filled up fast but it looks so good and organized, I love it! Still not as much Jordan, though, I would still leave it behind for him but at least I can enjoy being in there for now. (my dog loves it too, he just loves the way he has him own area set up with plenty of roaming space, Freedom!)

The new book, "Speak," is really getting to me. Sadly I was right about my guess, I hate being right because that means I can see the signs. I wanted to cry as I read the big secrete but I couldn't I had to hold it in so I feel very sad. I still want to cry but I can't just yet, not until I'm in the safety of my room. I needed to write a letter and blog before I could take my late night shower (I switched to nights it's easier to sleep) I have to work in the morning so I should probably hurry up.

I just can't believe the impact a book could have on my life, I really picked some good books I can't wait to read my final pick then I'll have to buy some more, good thing my shelf is big enough with an extra shelf still! :) I can't wait to go to my room and cry it all out, I always feel so much better after a good cry. I really need to cry, I can feel a knot of emotions in my chest waiting to let lose. I really miss Jordan, I need a hug, not just any hug, a hug from my love. :( There's something about being with Jordan, we fit perfect, it just feels so right. I miss that feeling, I need that feeling right now. One more day, tomorrow night I can talk to my love, still one night too long. :'(

Jordan withdraw :(

It's not the same. :( Nothing feels the same without my love, Jordan. I worked today and it really sucks not to have someone to talk to about my day, I can't talk to my mom about it, the sad thing is I've become so desperate I've actually tried but she's no help. I want to cry. Things are getting worst, I'm stressing out too much and I won't have that going on in my life when I go back to school. I mean, I know I might have some stress when I'm back in school but even school never got to me this bad, I'm a NERD! I love school! I can't wait to go back! Yay, school! I feel a little better now thinking of my escape from home and work.

Actually I don't really mind being at home so much my room is now improved big time and I love spending time playing with my little dog. My friend "Ceci" actually compliment me on how oragnized it is in there, if anything it's improved even more since her visit. I still have things I want to get rid of but I'm glad that everything has a place and I keep it in that place. It feels kind of weird not having anything to do to my room so I might just start re-arranging my furniture again, maybe, I don't know. I've still been reading the new book, "Speak," it's getting better and better!

To escape my Jordan withdraw I have turned blogging, tea and, ice cream (not at the same time) throughout my day. It helps to relax me and calm my nerves which I so need right now. I miss talking to Jordan I can't wait until he gets back from vacation and we can talk again, he's my lifesaver! I don't know what I would do without him, I just have to keep counting down, only three more days, yay. :( That's still three days too long for us. I miss him like crazy. :(

Prooves and Animal Crackers

I've been thinking about this book I read a while back, "The Last Book in the Universe," I can't seem to get it out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I can't believe how much of an impact that book had on my life. Through out the book I imagined every detail described and tried to relate it with the world around me. It takes place in the future and it makes our time look really good, the book kind of makes you appreciate what we have now because you never know when it could all be taken away. Well yesterday we were driving from downtown heading to my brother's work and there are a few incomplete building structures along the way; it was really weird, all of a sudden I was pulled into the story. I could see the world as it was described in the book and I didn't hear or see anything going on around me, in my head the sky turned a grayish-red with rubble and metal on the ground below. I could see the main characters standing in the rubble: Spaz, Wrider, Little face (Chox), the latch leader- Billy, and the Proove- Layana. Before I knew it we were pulled up to my brother work place and I had the image of Red world in my head before I knew it just started talking about the book to my mom. This isn't the first time it happened either and it's sort of freaking me out, I just finished another book,"Talk to the Hand," after "The Last Book in the Universe" and it didn't catch my attention as much. Now I'm reading another book called "Speak" just like the "TLBIU" I'm getting pulled into the story, it's serious with some everyday humor and a big secrete which I'm already guessing (I always do that when I get into a book) I can see the characters but for some reason it always comes back to the Prooves. Why? I have no idea why I keep imagining these things but it's really weird for me and almost uncontrollable. Maybe I should change the subject...

Ha, Ha! Jordan should appreciate this one, other than Prooves I've been thinking about animal crackers. They're haunting me! The day before I was talking to Jordan after work and I was eat animal crackers. Yep, biting the heads off one by one. Elephant, crunch! Awww, cute little little penguin, crunch, crunch, crunch! Jordan felt sorry for the poor helpless little animal. Oh well that their fault for not being able to fly. Ha, ha, ha! I felt like a little kid playing with their food, I mean what kid hasn't? A kid or an evil giant crunching away at the tiny little animals. Man I want some more animal crackers! Mmmm... animal crackers....

I miss Jordan. He gone right now and I miss him, last night I fell asleep for the first time without talking to him on the phone saying how much we love each other. It felt kind of weird falling asleep without telling Jordan goodnight. :( I ended up saying, "Goodnight Jordan I love you," in the darkness of my room. It wasn't the same. (sigh) I miss Jordan.