Slow down...

I saw Jake at school today, I was hanging out with Gabby, he wanted to meet up and she really wanted to meet him, so she went along with me. He doesn’t quite know Gabby’s kind of craziness, so he asked her if she was drunk, that was a bad thing to say, she had a bad weekend and wants to move on from that, not the greatest thing to say to her, oh well, he didn’t know and I wasn’t about to explain it, it’s not for me to tell him Gabby’s personal life.

Well, one things for sure, he is definitely no Jordan, he needed my help with math, I can do higher math, it’s just funny to me that Jake struggles with it. I’m going to help him study for his final and he’ll help me with mine as well. Here’s the thing, I like Jake, but I’m trying not to rush into things, I want us to date for a while and get to know each other more, Jake on the other hand, likes me a lot, he’s told so, and I can tell. I just don’t want to rush into something, I think things are kind of going fast as it is, but Jake’s not making it any easier, he’s been calling me his dork, I keep telling him, “Oh really, we’ll see about that,” his response, “What do you mean? I really like you, and you are my dork.” I know he means well and it’s kind of flattering that he feels this way so soon, but that the thing, it’s so soon.

We’re going to go out and study together tomorrow after he gets out of work, I’ll already be out too, so I think we need to talk about things, talk in person, I really like him too, but it seems like things are moving too fast. I just want to be sure this is what I want, I’m doing for myself now, I need to look out for myself and be sure. By the way, I’m still so freakin’ sore, I still worked out but it was not easy. : (

Venting :(

Dam, having trouble sleeping, I have so many things in the back of my mind that I’ve been thinking about, I really need to vent and let out, timing sucks and than it doesn’t at the same time, because Jordan and I were planning my trip to go see him for Christmas and than he broke up with me, I had the best surprise for him, it just kind of sucks thinking of it, than again, maybe he didn’t even deserve it. (that’s how Gabby and Lucy have been encouraging me to think like lately) The Saturday after Jordan broke up with me I finally brought myself to unpack, that sucked, I had so many surprises he’ll never know about, I think it would probably drive him crazy knowing all the things I did for him, and would have, oh well, now what hell am I suppose to do with this stuff? Some things were for him, things which would have been useful, I know how he hates getting crap presents, so I had practical gifts in mind this year, some things he could have used everyday, I even had something for his mom, knowing her, I’m sure she would have loved it too, I thought of sending it to her, after all things were between Jordan and I not her, but why? I guess I’ll just figure out something to do with them. The thing that really drives me crazy is the fact that I actually had a few things planned, just for the two of us, one just for his enjoyment, that really sucks, I don‘t know what to do about that now, oh well. : (

I had a care package for him, that I was going to send out, and I was still thinking of sending it, but decided not to. I had been wanting hot chocolate for sometime now, why I didn’t think of it sooner? I open the package and had some hot chocolate along with some of the snacks I had packed, I’m taking care of myself now, I must admit though, I should eat too many treats if I really want to reach my goal. I had something for his B-day which I was going to send him ahead of time so it would be there the night before, I know he would have really liked that, screw it, its mine now, I like it too. Man! I don’t know, thinking of all this is sort of pissing me off, I did so much for us, for him, and he’ll never know, because while I was getting ready what was he doing? He was planning the trip with me, only to break up with me before it even happened, the crazy thing is, we even talked about me still going up even after breaking up, I am so much stronger than I was then, I probably would have still given him everything, but why? I know now that, that was a stupid and weak thing for me to think, he doesn‘t deserve any of the things I have to offer, he had no idea how lucky he was, I knew, that‘s the beauty of a surprise, the person being surprised never suspects a thing. I love surprises, but still, that really sucks! I guess I have really changed the way of looking at things, in my life, the crazy part about all of this, is how quickly I have adjusted to all of this, I am definitely not the same person that was broken just a week ago, but it still doesn’t change the past, I’m glad, things are kick ass for me right now, my life feels worth living for, it’s still crazy to me. : )

Feeling the burn...

I’m still thinking of my date with Jake, we had been working on studying for finals all day today, only taking a small break in between to text each other. Finally we got to talk, he called me, and when I answered, I got a pleasant greeting, ”Hello my beautiful dork.” Last night throughout the date he kept telling me how beautiful I am, not to sound conceded or anything, but I have been looking really hot lately. I have actually been keeping up with my workout schedule, I’ll admit, I’ve been struggling to keep it up, but my body has never looked better, I’m firmer pretty much everywhere, and my stomach actually has the little dividing lines, I really want to keep up with that, I’ve always been insecure with my stomach, but it’s looking great. I want to be able to wear a two piece this summer without feeling uncomfortable, I probably always could have, but I never felt comfortable with my body enough to do it. I can feel the burn more and more every time I workout, that’s a good sign, I’ve been slowly increasing my routine and I think that’s what’s helping.

I think it’s pretty awesome, Jake actually works out too, he’s not completely ripped, which is a good thing, I don’t like too much, I think I actually prefer a little something, but I can tell he works out, not to mention last night we were talking about it, he told me to feel his stomach, he’s on a four pack so far, that’s cool, I think he’s steps ahead, it’s nice, I‘ve never really kept up with myself enough to be this far. I think it‘s been about a little over four months, with short stops here and there, it‘s a miracle I was able to keep up with it even through my tough times, and now it‘s finally showing some pay off. : ) today we were talking about it more, because I was so sore, I told Jake, I’ve actually been feeling the burn for good while now it’s almost to the point that I want to stop. I just need to keep motivating myself, no stopping now, I’m this far and determined, after a while it should go away, right? I think that’s the way it work, feel the burn, that means its working., and boy do I feel the burn, its only been burning more and more. Jake thinks he could give me some tip on working out to get results faster, but I’m not sure I want to feel more burn than I already do.

My date with Jake :)

I went out with Jake! I was right, it was great! I was so nervous and excited before he came to pick me up. It’s kind of funny, I had to give him directions how to get to my house, I’m horrible with giving directions, but somehow I did it. He called me when he turned down a wrong street, but I helped him find his way, I told him to park in the front and I would come right out, and I did. I knew he had a truck, but I didn’t know what it looked like, when I came out I saw a normal size truck parked with it’s lights on, I got in and he starts laughing and said jokingly, “You didn’t know what my truck looked like, how did you know it was me? You’re crazy, just getting into a strangers truck.” Obviously it was the only one there waiting so I knew it had to be him. He had most of the date planned, he said he wanted to go to the Quarry and Diversions, but he wanted to take me to eat first, I really didn’t care, so on the drive we saw a Whataburger, he asked if I wanted to eat there, he hadn’t had it in a while, I agreed so our first stop, Whataburger, he got off quick and opened my door for me and gave me a big hug before we headed inside. We joked around with the guy at the register, I think he was kind of a newbie. There were only three others tables being used, one left after we went to sit down, three guys, including the one from the register came over to clean it, it was weird, it look like they kept checking on us. I noticed Jake's eyes were light blue again, so I asked him what color are his eyes, somehow he's not even sure. Jake is a fry monster, I told him that and he started talking like Cookie Monster, saying, “French fries,” a few times, I told him the last one sounded almost like Yota, he then changed his voice more like Yota saying, “Fries French.” I just could stop laughing, he is such a dork, score! After we finished eating we were talking for a while, somehow we got into some of his embarrassing childhood stories, they were funny, I guess he’s been crazy all his life. We decided to head out, it was so cold outside, but it was a nice warm drive.

As we were driving, it was non-stop joking back and fourth between us, he was pretending to be a tour guide pointing out these dumb little places, pretending they had history, and I pretended to believe him asking stupid questions, it was funny, that lasted a while then we both just couldn’t believe how dumb we were being. He decided on going to Diversions first, we talked about it and I told him that I hadn’t been there for a long time, I use to go there, I love arcade games, I’m suck a dork. Well, we talked a lot and then all of a sudden he reached for my hand, it fit! I use to tell Jordan how I noticed that holding hands never felt right with anyone before him, or during the time we broke up, it just seemed like no one’s hands fit with mine, besides Jordan, even Henry tried on our date, but I forgot to mention it since it too was a disappointment; so I was surprised that it felt so right, our hands fit together! That made me all kinds of happy. J Once again Jake opened the door for me, and we went in to play some games, he likes most of the same games as me, it was so funny, he almost beat me at air hockey, it’s okay, I warned him that usually win. We played Guitar Hero, and he killed us, it made me laugh that even my niece and nephew could play better. He rocks at shooting games, which is cool, because those are my favorite! He didn’t try the DDR but I did, I can never pass up DDR! We both placed in Area 51 and I found out his initials are J.W, weird, still won, placing 6, he was 9.

That was so much fun, we left and head to the Quarry, I hadn’t been there for a long either, it was so nice and peaceful since it was night, I bet it would be a nightmare during the day with the holiday season, Jake agrees. We walked around outside and sat on a bench talking, it was so cold! Even with my jacket on, I was freezing! Jake wasn’t even wearing a jacket, just a thermal shirt and t-shirt over, he saw how cold I was and started holding me, as we watched the lights, he liked my jacket, saying it was warm. We kept talking as he held me, and then he held one of my hands with the other still around me and he kissed me. Wow, wasn’t expecting that one. It was nice, then he held me some more, the warmth of my jacket made him realize he was getting cold, so we headed back to the truck for his jacket. Instead we got in and he drove us back around where we were sitting, leaving the heater on so we could both be warm, much better, I actually had to take off my jacket. We talked more, and he asked me to sit closer, I did, he held me and he kissed me some more, and I don’t know what happened, we just broke into a long make-out session, it was really good, we held each other tighter and he started rubbing his hands up and down my back, so I started running my finger through his hair, it was so soft! :D It was late, so we finally decided to leave, even though neither one of us really wanted to. He drove the long way home, and held my hand most of the way. I still can’t believe how much fun we had, it was so great, when we got to my house, he opened the door for me once again, he hugged and kissed me. It was so nice, by the time I got inside, it was exactly 1am. Oops.

From green to blue :)

I saw Jake at school today, I was heading to my class and he was as well, but he called that he wanted to see me, we decided to be late for our classes, besides, they were just review days, we met half way and went somewhere to talk. It was really nice, he is such a dork! :D I thought Jake’s eyes were blue, that’s what they looked like when we first met, but to my surprise, when I saw him today, they’re green! :D After my class he called again, asking where I was, I told him I was let out of my class early and was heading to my next class, but I had time, he told me to wait for him, that he was close, before I knew it, he was behind me. He hugged me and we talked outside on a balcony just outside the building of my next class. It was nice, I could see through the door, and I saw my professor pass through heading to class, he always get there about two minuet before class, so I knew I had to go, so Jake walked me inside, and we went our separate ways again. :) I have been talking to Jake more and more, I actually don’t call him, he calls me, so far our conversations have been short, because we both have school and work, I like it, I don’t want to be dependant on talking to him, I don’t want to fall for a voice, I need more, I deserve more than that. Jake asked me out the same night we first met, it will be tomorrow, he hasn’t forgotten, he‘s going to plan it, he’s been throwing ideas out there, but we‘ll see how it turns out. I think it will be great, he seems really cool, and we have a lot in common. I’m not going to let myself do anything I don’t want to do, so I want to go out with him, it’s not just because I can, I want to, and I think it will be great! :)

Jake :)

I met someone today, it was really unexpected, his name is Jake, my math class ended early, and I had an unfinished rough draft due, so I went in search for a spot to work on it. After finding that all seats were taken up stairs, I went downstairs to my luck, I saw people leaving from a table, the whole table to myself, score! I sat and began working, not long at all, this man comes up to me, with his hands full with a large book, and a lot of papers, he asked me if he could sit down. Of course I was not going to use the whole table, so I said it was fine, and he sat in front of me. He told me that he needed to work on homework, and I told him I had a paper due. I still think it was kind of funny, somehow we got into a conversation starting out asking basic info about each other., he asked what’s my major so I told him I’m studying Electrical Engineering, he’s majoring in Radio broadcasting among other things. Needless to say, neither one of us completely finished our assignments, but it was worth it, he gave me his number, so I entered it in my phone and hit dial so he could have my number as well, and we went on to our separate classes. I was in such a good mood to began with, but I felt a little guilty, I was suppose to go out later to see a movie with my friend Henry, we hung out as friends before, but this time he already knew Jordan broke up with me, so he asked me out. I knew I was going out with Henry later, but I was so excited after talking to Jake, he reminded me of Jordan at first, and I remembered Jordan told me I would find someone like him, but the truth is, he is soooo not like Jordan, and that’s a good thing for me. :) Everything has been great!

I’ve been going to the counselor a little over a month, and it has really helped me, for the second time I walked in there happy, but this time I felt so strong. I told her about the break up, and how hard it’s been, but that I realized I need to move on, continue with my life to the fullest, I will not allow myself to shut down. I told her how, it would be pointless to hold on to something that’s not there anymore, I have to let Jordan go, and live my life. I felt so empowered, and then came the fall, she asked me what I would do if Jordan would ever ask me back, I pause as tears formed in my eyes, I told her how much I loved him, how much I still love him, but I have to move on; I told her, even with as much as I love him, I don’t think I could do that to myself, it hurts too much. I need to live for myself, I would still be on the fence, but I would have to be strong for me, I couldn’t do it, I would say no. Probably reluctantly, but it hurts too much, I am going to be fine. Even with me saying this, I have a homework assignment, I need to write a pros and cons list with Gabby, about why I should let Jordan go, or why I shouldn’t give up hope, I broke, my confidence was broken, I know it’s not good to keep hoping in this situation. I agreed but, I really didn’t want to do it. L I did not leave the way I entered, but the good news is, that I am doing well, both counselors agree, they think I’m going to be good enough to end my sessions, only one more to go! :D I’m soooo happy about that! It hurts when I relive memories, but I don’t want to forget, instead I will just have to forgive and let go if I ever have to deal with more difficult situations like this, I want to be prepared and know how to handle them. I can’t believe she broke me again, I was not going to cry anymore, but I was obviously wrong, it’s still a process. I love Jordan, I know some part of me always will love him, I just wish him the best. I still miss him, I’m still tempted to text or call, but that’s a habit I will have to let go as well, I have toughen up, we can’t talk, I won’t let myself.

So, like I said, I went to the movies with Henry after I got out of school, we missed all the good movies, so we had to watch a foreign film, “A Serous Man”, neither one of us could figure it out, and that’s because it was in English! That had to be one of the weirdest movies I EVER saw! We kind of understood the point, but it left sooo many things unanswered. After the movie we ate at the deli in Target, I know that seems cheesy, maybe because it was, but we both really wanted to go look at the Legos and Kentex, so we killed two birds with one stone. :D He met my mom, today, it was kind of funny, he was his crazy self, he didn’t even try to hide the way he was. Surprisingly, he made my mom laugh, and we got to pick on him. J When I got home I got a text from Jake, he wanted to know what I was doing, after texting,” Nothing, just at home”, he called me, I liked talking to him more than going out with Henry, at least I went out and tried, but there won’t be another date. Jake and I talked for a while, and learned some basic stuff about each other, he is 28, seven years older than me, going to my college, (obviously since that’s where we met) in his fourth year, works near by our school, has a truck, and lives by himself in his own house. I told him about me, and after getting to know each other more, Jake asked me out for Saturday, that seem cool to me, I think it could be great, he seems more my type than Henry, and that’s because I wasn’t even sure if I had a type, apparently I do, it must be the dorkyness. :)

Regrouping

It has not been easy, and I don’t expect it to be. I was having a hard time at work, I can’t let myself, shut down. I went to work after an almost complete melt down last night. I had to help some guy with his little girl, he was walking around without a clue, I approached him and asked if he needed help, after all he was in the lingerie department, he laughed and told me his wife sent him to find her something. I asked what he was looking for, bras or panties, he told me she wanted something sexy for Christmas, but she wanted him to pick it out. I took him over to the sexy Christmas outfits we had, he told me she has a lot of black and red, so he wanted something different. I took him over to another area, where we had more black and red, black and pink, and white. He really liked the white one, I asked if he knew her size, he didn’t know how to pick out the size, but he knew her cup size and waist, so that helped, really that’s all you need to know. He also liked a black and pink one. He wasn’t sure which he wanted, and asked me, if I was married, I told him no, than he asked if I had a boyfriend, I sighed and said, “Recently, no,” he apologized, and told me he just wanted an opinion of what I would get, he apologized again, and said, “ You know what, screw him, he doesn’t deserve you,” my eyes got a little teary and my voice cracked as I said, thanks with a small smile. I told him he could have one for Christmas and save one for Valentines, so he wouldn’t have to worry about it later, he laughed and said he doesn’t get twofers, that’s why she has so many, he said, “ I’m easy, Ill just take both.” He looked at me kind of sad, my eyes still glossy and fighting back tears, he thanked me for my helping and went on to pay. It’s crazy, but I rebuilt myself fast thinking of what he said, he was right, screw him, maybe Jordan didn’t deserve me, I did so much for him over the years, much more than he realized or ever gave me credit for. I was still a little hurt, but I regrouped and got back to work.