Venting :(

Dam, having trouble sleeping, I have so many things in the back of my mind that I’ve been thinking about, I really need to vent and let out, timing sucks and than it doesn’t at the same time, because Jordan and I were planning my trip to go see him for Christmas and than he broke up with me, I had the best surprise for him, it just kind of sucks thinking of it, than again, maybe he didn’t even deserve it. (that’s how Gabby and Lucy have been encouraging me to think like lately) The Saturday after Jordan broke up with me I finally brought myself to unpack, that sucked, I had so many surprises he’ll never know about, I think it would probably drive him crazy knowing all the things I did for him, and would have, oh well, now what hell am I suppose to do with this stuff? Some things were for him, things which would have been useful, I know how he hates getting crap presents, so I had practical gifts in mind this year, some things he could have used everyday, I even had something for his mom, knowing her, I’m sure she would have loved it too, I thought of sending it to her, after all things were between Jordan and I not her, but why? I guess I’ll just figure out something to do with them. The thing that really drives me crazy is the fact that I actually had a few things planned, just for the two of us, one just for his enjoyment, that really sucks, I don‘t know what to do about that now, oh well. : (

I had a care package for him, that I was going to send out, and I was still thinking of sending it, but decided not to. I had been wanting hot chocolate for sometime now, why I didn’t think of it sooner? I open the package and had some hot chocolate along with some of the snacks I had packed, I’m taking care of myself now, I must admit though, I should eat too many treats if I really want to reach my goal. I had something for his B-day which I was going to send him ahead of time so it would be there the night before, I know he would have really liked that, screw it, its mine now, I like it too. Man! I don’t know, thinking of all this is sort of pissing me off, I did so much for us, for him, and he’ll never know, because while I was getting ready what was he doing? He was planning the trip with me, only to break up with me before it even happened, the crazy thing is, we even talked about me still going up even after breaking up, I am so much stronger than I was then, I probably would have still given him everything, but why? I know now that, that was a stupid and weak thing for me to think, he doesn‘t deserve any of the things I have to offer, he had no idea how lucky he was, I knew, that‘s the beauty of a surprise, the person being surprised never suspects a thing. I love surprises, but still, that really sucks! I guess I have really changed the way of looking at things, in my life, the crazy part about all of this, is how quickly I have adjusted to all of this, I am definitely not the same person that was broken just a week ago, but it still doesn’t change the past, I’m glad, things are kick ass for me right now, my life feels worth living for, it’s still crazy to me. : )