A prayer for my love

I had a wonderful day, I started out feeling great(not so great last night I was terribly sick) I felt pretty good, I spoke with Jordan my love as I do every morning-he's been feeling a little bad himself. My good friend/co-worker picked me up and stole me away first to breakfast (at a Mexican restaurant which she's close friends with the owners) then some unfinished business that's been really stressing me out (she was such a LIFESAVER today!!) We went to her lovely home, then work for our schedules and afterwards we went to this donut shop/restaurant that I 've never been (she's friends with the owners as well) we had drinks and a donut as we had a talk with a very friendly employer which appearently has worked there for a long time. (Of course I had to buy donuts to go for my mom and little sis, I love them no matter what) She took me home and I called my mom when I discovered she wasn't there, she was with my brother so I walked over and met her to go for a drive= on the road again. :)

So what could possible bring me down today? It seem like nothing, then I spoke with my love once again, he thought he was experiencing bad allegeries only to finally come to the conclusion that he is really really sick. I told him to get some rest since he already took his medicine. It's been a long time since I've felt heartache but it really broke my heart to hear him so sick, I don't think I've ever heard him sick. I let him go and then; I cried and I hugged my pillow tight wishing I could do something for him and I realized I could, I prayed. I prayed and cried my heart out to God to really watch over him, Jordan's not really religious but I am and I believe there is nothing more powerful then prayer. So I cried my eyes and heart out as I said a prayer for my love, I'm still a little worried about him but I put him in God's hands for him to be better soon, I love Jordan so much and it hurts me to hear him sad or sick just as it effects him to hear me that way.

Ash Wednesday & true love

Today was Ash Wendnesday, the day where Catholics take time to repent, get there cross shaped ashes on there forehead, and give up something they really like for 40 day. 40 days until Easter when Jesus arose.
- I don't have anything against Ash Wednesday or the people that follow it however I do have one thing that makes me feel alittle uneasy about it; I really don't like the stares I get from the people with ashes, I see them looking at me as if they see me as a sinner just because I don't the ash cross on my forehead. I'm not a Christian-Catholic, I'm Christian-Christian, we don't have Lint and so we don't get ashes. Really I personally don't have a problem with it I just don't see the point in asking for forgiveness and a chance to repent on just one specific day? I suppose there must be a reason but I'm just not familar with the Catholic beliefs. I wanted to wore a Christian rock band T-shirt to show my Christianaty and you know what, I didn't get those weird stares today.
- So today was just another day for me to awake and say "Good morning God, Good morning Jesus", and smile as the morning light shown through my window. Just another glorious day, a new day, better day (I could feel it) I was right. Lately the past few days I have not been feeling myself, they were not my best days but today was wonderful, I truly felt God's blessing today.
- I started out my day feeling refreshed and well rested. Joy, happiness, hope, and love feeled my heart. I felt so great today that I even got some exercise in using my dance game I have at home after a nice hardy breakfast (I can't start my days off without it anymore, so I thank God that I've been blessed with the time and Jordan's influence to have breakfast every morning.) I had hot tea to relax me, water, and Gaterade to replenish after, a small lunch and a nice healthy dinner prepared using a healthy cook book I purchased about a week ago. This was my second dinner from that book and they were both delious and very healthy. We had been eating out a lot and I really got tired of the fast food junk so I tired eating salads and then I thought,"Why not eat at home as we use to", my mother is a great cook and taught us to eat our veggies and now I actually crave them. I think my mom really just hasn't been in the mood to cook so that's why I decided to step up, I would watch her cook but she wouldn't let me help. Now that I'm older I can do the cooking myself and really there's nothing to it all you have to do is add the right spices to it for the flavor to be just right. I love cooking, I already have the next three breakfast and dinners planned (lunch is still a mystery) but they are healthy, filling, and gooooood. :) I plann to keep up with my health, not as a new year resolution (I didn't make any) but as something good I can do for myself to better myself.
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JoJo is my little dog, he is so adorable. He was laying on my lap for a while falling asleep, as you could imagine it starting hurt just alittle so I made an adjustment. He then lay with my arm as a support, one paw on my stomatche and the other on my rist as if they were his arm rest, his head laying back on my arm. It looked like he were lay on a lazy boy with his eyes closed and a smirk on his tiny face, he was like a prince sitting on his throne. I just watched him mainly because he looked both funny and cute at the same time; but mostly I couldn't believe how tiny he was in my arms. He appears so helpless yet trusting, just one squeeze is all it could take to ruin his perfect serenty but he knew I wouldn't disrupt that, I joined him in closing my eyes also trusting that he wouldn't just jump up on me or bite me. No... we were harmonious together, It was a wonderful feeling.
As strange as it may sound: It remind me of being with Jordan. We have those moments all the time with each other. We let our gaurd down and trust in each other. :) It's really a wonderful feeling, never before had I felt this way, not one other soul has made me feel so trusting, so safe. I love the feeling. It fills me with a calm, I could be in Jordan's arms forever and I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't mind at all. I know everything happens for a reason, I think God has sent me Jordan to show me what really love is suppose to feel like, I know I said I was in love once before but I know now that couldn't even begin to compare with the love Jordan and I share. Looking back I think of the love Jordan and I share would have been unimaginable, I had to exeperience it to know the possibilities. If a love like this with another person exist on earth.., I could only imagine the love that awaites in heaven, I could only imagine the eternal love God has for us all and I thank God for Jordan. He has shown me so much but, Jordan, of all, I treasure our love. Thank Jordan, for loving me and allowing me to finally know love. I love you Jordan, fy394. :)

? Feeling Off.

I've been off these past few days, I'm not quite sure what it is but something is just different. I know I haven't been posting much, it's not that there isn't anything for me to post about, really I actually have a lot going on in my life lately. Let's see:

-I turned 21, yay! I still can't believe it, I don't feel any different then I did before. That's my story every year, all birthdays are, another day we've been wondering around on the earth. Really it's no big deal, I spent it relaxing after going to work in the morning and then having lunch with a friend of mine. It was all good. :)
-Thursday I spent the night over at one of my BFF's house (Chips). It was fun seeing her again we talk on the phone but the last time we actually saw each other was Halloween (which was a blast by the way- one of the best Halloween's every!) Well the next morning I was suppose to be returned home before she had to go to school, instead I tagged along, it was so much fun. I met most of her friends before she went to class and I stayed hagging out with them. It was so cool I ran into two of my friends one of which I knew went there (L) and the other just an added bonus. (You know I'm talking about you D.) I got alittle time to talk and catch up with what's been going on, a lot sure has changed including me (L) kept on commenting on how different I look now, I'm the same but with some adjustments. She says it's because of Jordan but I don't mind, I feel good and that all that matters. Any ways it was so cool to hang out with them again and now (D) subscribe to my feed and will probably read this so, Hello to you! :)

I will be going for now but I will try to post something more interesting tommorrow so until then goodnight everyone! Yay!

Hot girl..?

I never thought I would be saying this, but am I a hot girl? I've noticed that I've been getting more attention for strangers (more than I would like) but I was in denile thinking that it was all in my head or there must have been a prettier girl behind me. Man I feel weird about this topic, I still can't believe the attention I've been getting, it's all too... WEIRD! The only thing that I could think of is Jordan, it must be a glow I have from being with Jordan. Really that's when I started noticing the extra attention, after I came back from seeing Jordan over the Christmas Holiday.

Many people tell me that I look different, I sure feel different, I feel so happy and it's all because of Jordan. :) The last time I saw my friend Lucy she told me that I looked different, she said she knew why- I'm in love was her reasoning. I've been in love with Jordan so long but something about the trip just brought us closer and made us love each other even more- we didn't even know that was possible.

I feel more confident not and I've been trying new things and do more things for myself. I love doing things for myself, I don't think my mom likes it because she wants me to always be around. I think it scares her to think of me leaving home, I do everything she asks me to - I'm the only one. She always talks and cries to me about things going on and if I leave who will she have? My little sister doesn't understand what's going on, I don't really want her to and neither does my mom.

Even my mom's been looking at me differently like she knows something. When I first came back she was mad at me for a while, she said I left them with no warning. I guess a month isn't enough warning according to her, really I think she thought I wasn't going to leave. I day she told me," Well if you want to go then go I'm not going to stop you, I don't care." I don't care, that hurt me some much and she had no idea just how much; at that moment was when I decided to go. If she didn't care why stay when there's someone that does care waiting for me? I needed to leave and I'm glad that I did. :)

Now I feel better, I'm more rested and look better and apparently I'm hot. My ex before "R" is trying to get back with me, he's never stopped but he gotten more annoying asking my mom and step dad if he could date me. They didn't know I was with him before but they know I don't want to be with him now. It's the curse, waite a minute... maybe I was in denile. Maybe I have been hot I look the same to me sort of, I haven't lost or gained any weight, why does the curse happen? Could me being hot be part of it? It's still weird for me to think of myself as hot, to those who know me- am I?

Where do I belong?

I can't sleep, so I blog to calm my nerves. (Hopefully)

I've spent yesterday and today with my family(mom, brothers, & sisters) celebrating two B-day's. Most would assume it would be fun to go bowling and then out to a pizza place in two days but,(sigh) nope... not when it's my family. I feel like the one that's always left out of everything, since I was little it's always been that way. I'm not the oldest nor the baby of the family, I'm not even the middle child so why me? Why am I always feeling this way? And before anyone makes the assumption that it's all in my head, it's not, in fact; I wish it were just all in my head but there's actual proof.
I might not show it but I've always been the "Loser" of my family, I've never been cool enough for any of them. This doesn't bother, the way my own family treats me, that what bothers me. I'm the one that doesn't follow the crowd or try to prove myself to anyone, I'm just me, that the way I've always been. My brothers and sisters have always followed the crowd even when it comes to stupid things. Well there's always one in every family and I guess I'm that one, I was always picked on, mental and physically (I have both scares to prove it.)
I never did anything but help my brothers and sister all my life and they have hurt me in so many ways in return of my kindness (and I realize what you might be thinking& no I don't do it for them to treat me differently, I've just always been the kind-hearted person of the family) I believe in honoring thy mother and father, and respecting, caring, for my siblings as well as others. I'm one of those persons that can show kindness to someone even so heartless just at the thought of showing them what humanity should be like. It's hard and trying to show it constantly to those whom wronged me but I continue to be an 'opt' looking on the bright side of the half full glass.
Seriously, as odd as this may sound: I've always been the ONLY white sheep of my family surrounded by individual black sheep which makes the white sheep look odd. (Jordan: I'm sure you would agree with me, you know about them, you know what I'm referring to)
I'm nothing like my family, I don't see where I fit with them other then someone to pick on and use as a life preserver when needed. I promise you this, with every little thing I do for them; if I wasn't there to do it, I don't know what they would do without me. I'm a freakin' life saver, and I honestly don't know how I've put up with all this for so long. I've been saying no and trying to distance myself from them when I get a chance-which I've been trying to do more ever since my return. My mom still likes to bring up the fact that I abandoned her without warning(which isn't true unless you consider about a month no warning, and then actual proof warn of two weeks. It's not my fault she chose not to believe it until the night before.)
They all need me to a certain point but won't admit it, my mom probably most of all.
Well I've always had these thoughts but yesterday and today it really hit me hard, how am I even related to these persons? I really can't see it. I feel like the poor white sheep that doesn't belong. Where do I belong? The sad thing is I know where I belong, I feel like myself, better than myself, "Sarah 2.o", complete when I'm with Jordan no matter where we are. I want to go home Jordan, just like you've told me in the past, you're my home, you're where I belong. :'(

Another Year Gone By

Another year gone by I feel so useless, that's crazy I know I'm not but I feel like I am. I wish I could change my life. It's been a year since Heath Ledger's death. It's so weird to think of it already that long ago. It was weird for me to hear it's been an entire year already, all the news had a short mentioning of him and there have been some of his movies showing on T.V.

I glad I don't feel the same as I did one year ago when I first blogged about his death. I feel much better and I'm looking forward towards the future, my future. :) I'm in love with Jordan and that's enough of a reason for me to feel good. It feels so good to think positive so just forget my first comment, I feel great and so should everyone! Have a great rest of the day, I'm going to go and do something useful with the rest of mine.

A New Year!

Hello to everyone!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I know I did. :)

First of all, I hope that I didn't worry anyone the way I just completely stopped posting after Jordan and I broke up. I kept on writing but I just never had the chance to post any of them, later I'll try to post the document link for anyone that wants to read them all but I must warn- there are a lot, I wrote practically every day.

**Just a quick recap, things were hard after Jordan and I broke up, we would still talk everyday and he had a different reaction than any of my past breakups. Instead of pulling away he was sweet, caring, and still there for me no matter what. It was painful but for a long while we didn't tell each other how we felt but there were moments when I cried, then he cried with me.
**I started dating for while but sadly things just couldn't compare to what Jordan and I had, I think I was trying too hard to make myself have feeling that weren't really there. The way things were only farther help me realize my feelings for Jordan weren't going to go away, and they still haven't.

This Christmas holiday I spent two amazing weeks with the love of my life, Jordan and I'm glad that I took the chance because it only brought us closer to each and fall more and more in love with each. I still can't believe, I didn't think it was even possible to be in love as we are now. I've felt so great ever since I decided to take that chance, I don't regret it at all.

I went by train because I had never been on one and I always wanted to try it.

My Train experience:
4. Well it was a long train ride but it was so quit compared to all the craziness I was use to.
3. I was able to sleep A LOT (which I disparately needed)
2. I saw beautiful landscapes along the way.
1. The best thing of all, I did it all on my own!

When I arrived it was really cold, but I didn't have to be in the cold too long because Jordan was there waiting for me on the platform . I nearly cried but the cold wind kept me from my tears.

It was so great to be with him again, I love him so much. I spent Christmas with him and his family, they are so nice and fun to be around. I got some presents but the best present of all was just being able to spent Christmas with Jordan I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! :)

We stayed at Jordan's Grandma's house for three days and we saw a lot of movies and played Guitar Hero World Tour with his brother and sister. It was fun! After the three days we drove down to his dad's side of the family for an after Christmas, Christmas. We were there for most of the day then we went back to his house. We drove around a lot but I liked it, he is such a good driver, I felt so safe with him.

On New Years Eve we went to other city to eat lunch and Jordan bought me a t-shirt from there. He kind of picked it because he liked the way it looked and it was two shades of GREEN! I love green so I really liked it. When we got back in town we went over to his friends house so we could meet but he was with his girlfriend so I met his parents and we watched Across the Universe I really liked that movie since the first time I saw, (I LOVE the Beatles!) When we got back to his house, his sister was having a New Years party so being the losers and nerds that we are we just went to his room and watch a Battle Star Galactica season.

For anyone who's into robotic: The First Robotic Kickoff was on the 3rd and we were there! It was so different than what I was use to. The game is so different now, a lot has changed. Jordan being the nerd I know and love, had to help teach many persons how to work with the new programming. So I had the pleasure of watching him at his nerdiest. :D

We stayed late so Jordan was pretty much brain dead, hungry, and on a sugar crash from all the sweet snacks he ate. I said goodbye to everyone I met there because it was my last night then went to eat at Chili's. I had never been there so Jordan was determined to take me there as he had pomised, he's so sweet. That's just one of the things I love about him, he always does what he says he's going to do.

The train station is about two hours away from Jordan's house so just he and I spent the night at his grandma's house about twenty mins away. On the drive over there he had to pull over on the side of the road because I was crying from the thought of having to leave the next morning. He cried with me, we cried so much and we held each other tight. I don't remember the last time I cried the way I did that night, I felt dead afterwards, it was like I cried out almost all my tears.

The next morning I was as strong as I could be and I held back my tears that I desparately wanted to cry on the drive to the train station and as we waited for my train. He walked with me to the train and he gave me one last hug and kiss than walked away. I think he trying not to let me see him cry but I saw the tears in his eyes and I'm sure he saw the ones in mine. I cried to myself for a little while on the train as I looked out the window, eventually I took a nap. It was kind of sad, I woke up and I looked around in search of Jordan before I realized where I was.

Don't worry everyone, I've been feeling great lately, I'll admit it was hard at first but I really have been feeling great and it's all because of Jordan. I will go back again in April but not for as long. :( Any time with him is better than none at all. :) I can't wait until I get to hold him, kiss him and look into those bright blue eyes again.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JORDAN! FY394. -FY392 :)